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A review by estanceveyrac
Turtles All the Way Down by John Green
5.0
I was very scared to read this book. I haven't been in an acceptable headspace for a long while.
I was hopeful & optimist at the beginning of the summer, which was more a manifestation of anxiety by the way of avoidance than anything more positive. I sustained that mindset for a few months, then fell into a void of depression-fulled apathy, worsen by the emergence of the public discourse around sexual assault.
As is my wont, I turned down my phone every time I felt like I couldn't handle anything, effectively not engaging in any social interactions except for twitter most of the time. I stopped eating, showering, leaving my bed, either sleeping all the time or not at all, for weeks at time. I was then admitted to a psychiatric ward where I spent some time. I ate & slept in anything else.
Time passes by, about two months now & I'm not doing better. I haven't seen any of my friends, because reading my messages, answering them, answering again if I get an answer is a mountain.
I have made plans that I've cancelled, paralysed by fear & anxiety in my bed. I even spend 5 weeks away from twitter, effectively cut up entirely from the human world.
Aza's experience resonated with me in many ways. I do not recall the exact words, but she says something akin to that she is not doing well, but she is not doing as bad, relatively better.
The sentiment that there is not escape, that the (for lack of a better word) disease is a constant factor that reduces the scale on which one can measure their mental state, their well-being, their ability to function, to live & to live in society, is an horrifying perspective, but it is as close an explanation as I can manage to give about my mental state.
I was scared to read this book, this book which just gave me tools of comprehension, tools to map the way to recover & understanding what recovery actually is.
PS: My cognitive therapist is way better than Aza's, so there's that.
I was hopeful & optimist at the beginning of the summer, which was more a manifestation of anxiety by the way of avoidance than anything more positive. I sustained that mindset for a few months, then fell into a void of depression-fulled apathy, worsen by the emergence of the public discourse around sexual assault.
As is my wont, I turned down my phone every time I felt like I couldn't handle anything, effectively not engaging in any social interactions except for twitter most of the time. I stopped eating, showering, leaving my bed, either sleeping all the time or not at all, for weeks at time. I was then admitted to a psychiatric ward where I spent some time. I ate & slept in anything else.
Time passes by, about two months now & I'm not doing better. I haven't seen any of my friends, because reading my messages, answering them, answering again if I get an answer is a mountain.
I have made plans that I've cancelled, paralysed by fear & anxiety in my bed. I even spend 5 weeks away from twitter, effectively cut up entirely from the human world.
Aza's experience resonated with me in many ways. I do not recall the exact words, but she says something akin to that she is not doing well, but she is not doing as bad, relatively better.
The sentiment that there is not escape, that the (for lack of a better word) disease is a constant factor that reduces the scale on which one can measure their mental state, their well-being, their ability to function, to live & to live in society, is an horrifying perspective, but it is as close an explanation as I can manage to give about my mental state.
I was scared to read this book, this book which just gave me tools of comprehension, tools to map the way to recover & understanding what recovery actually is.
PS: My cognitive therapist is way better than Aza's, so there's that.