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aschwartau 's review for:
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
by Esther Perel
A thought-provoking psychotherapy examination of what triggers infidelity, how relationships can prevent it and what we can learn from those who have gone through it. Don't go into this expecting hard numbers and researched facts. Very little academic research is done on the subject of infidelity so the author, a renowned couples therapist who specializes in infidelity leans on her decades of experience and expertise. She shares anecdotes, direct quotes, and lessons learned from hundreds of her clients. Having worked with thousands of couples through the healing process after an affair or some other rule-breaking extramarital situation, she shares insights about how the most resilient relationships deal with heartache and loss.
While this book focuses primarily on commitment issues in couples (relationships made up of 2 monogamous people), it does delve into plural sex, love, and marriage situations too, including swingers, poly families, and open marriages. These chapters were, to me, the most interesting, as I think there's a lot to be learned from consensual non-monogamy.
When I was telling Justin about how interesting I found this whole read, he asked what I had learned. I can't say that I learned anything specific; like I said, this wasn't a facts-and-figures type of book. What this did, instead of stuffing my brain with knowledge, was fill my head with questions. Tough questions that I think are important for anyone in a long-term committed relationship should ask themselves and their partners about their beliefs on sex and love, and their monogamy philosophy. A lot of 'what ifs' and 'what would I do in this scenario' thoughts would make me pause the audio book so I could ponder the information more deeply without missing the next section.
A lot of couples could probably save themselves a lot of confusion, anger, and tears if they went to couples counseling, but they could also save a bunch of money if they just read this book and work through the thought exercises and have some deep, challenging conversations based on the stories presented. :)
While this book focuses primarily on commitment issues in couples (relationships made up of 2 monogamous people), it does delve into plural sex, love, and marriage situations too, including swingers, poly families, and open marriages. These chapters were, to me, the most interesting, as I think there's a lot to be learned from consensual non-monogamy.
When I was telling Justin about how interesting I found this whole read, he asked what I had learned. I can't say that I learned anything specific; like I said, this wasn't a facts-and-figures type of book. What this did, instead of stuffing my brain with knowledge, was fill my head with questions. Tough questions that I think are important for anyone in a long-term committed relationship should ask themselves and their partners about their beliefs on sex and love, and their monogamy philosophy. A lot of 'what ifs' and 'what would I do in this scenario' thoughts would make me pause the audio book so I could ponder the information more deeply without missing the next section.
A lot of couples could probably save themselves a lot of confusion, anger, and tears if they went to couples counseling, but they could also save a bunch of money if they just read this book and work through the thought exercises and have some deep, challenging conversations based on the stories presented. :)