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A review by laurenmichellebrock
The Dive from Clausen's Pier by Ann Packer
3.0
I’d first heard of Ann Packer’s The Dive from Clausen’s Pier by way of a movie I saw once on Lifetime. I knew the general story – a girl’s fiance takes a dive off a pier and ends up a quadriplegic; in a fit of pressure, said girl runs off to New York to study fashion design. Well, it ends up being a little more than studying fashion design. In fact, that part of her quest in New York is actually quite small. I’d read reviews about people hating this book, hating the main character, so I tried to read it objectively. I kept my emotions at bay while I took in the narrator’s – Carrie Bell’s – actions: her withdrawal from friends, her flight to New York, her romance with a man who offers little information about himself.
At first, I wanted Carrie to leave. The fact that people expected her to stay in a relationship that had gone from bad to worse since her fiance’s accident seemed incredibly weighty and unfair, but then as she entered New York and met Kilroy, started remembering remnants of her past with Mike, I felt uneasy. Kilroy was distant to the point of madness, and I sometimes wondered whether Carrie was more sexually attached to him than she was in love with him, if their sexual connection didn’t somehow manipulate her feelings. But then, of course they did. She could do with Kilroy what she couldn’t do with Mike, and that seems more clear to me now than while I was reading the book. There were moments, though, that I felt horrible for Kilroy, moments where I wanted to like him. But then he would clam up, refuse Carrie bits of information he claimed were unimportant, and it would infuriate me. I thought it was unwise of Carrie to ask about past girlfriends, sure, but there were other things, other hidden things, that he wasn’t forthcoming about that really made me uneasy about their relationship.
I also had to wonder what exactly Carrie was thinking, because while she narrated this story, it was sometimes hard for me to understand what led her to certain decisions. Obviously, the big decision to run away from Wisconsin to New York was understandable, but then there was ditching on a friend’s wedding she’d agreed to attend, shunting aside a good friend’s plead to come home when her family was in crisis, realizing her mother was going to be alone on Christmas after canceling a flight ticket back to Madison. There were reasons internally deeper that I felt I just wasn’t getting from her. But maybe it was just the fear, the inability to face what she’d done, and that was something that always hung around her.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not I liked Carrie Bell. She left people who’d loved her all her life when their need for her was at its peak, then she runs away to New York and creates more relationships she eventually abandons. The fact that Simon’s and her friendship comes to a standstill and never gets resolved was the harshest, and while she offered Lane a certain closure, Simon was left without any reassurances. While Carrie was sure of her decision in the end, I felt unnerved by it. I couldn’t get over this tug of war she’d played with the people in her life, and it’s left me feeling raw. I understand that she dealt with things the only way she felt capable of, but I still held on to that opinion Mike’s mother had of her: unreliable. I don’t feel like I can trust her to carry on so assuredly past the end of the book. I’m left asking myself, if this story were to go on, would she start to feel suffocated again and repeat the cycle? Perhaps I was supposed to feel like she’d learned something, that her decision to stay was supposed to make me feel better, that she was finally doing the right thing. But then I’d think about the cast in New York. Yes, she’s doing what she should’ve done in the beginning, but where does that leave them? It’s discomfiting for me to think about.
With all that being said, I found myself engrossed with this story. I don’t think it’s supposed to be an easy one to read. I’m not even sure readers are supposed to like Carrie. But I think the point of it is watching someone deal with a complicated situation in the only way they know how, even if it’s ugly and terrible. I think it’s a testament to just how messy life can get and just how badly we end up dealing with it when the pressure is on. We can’t control the way people react to things, we can only control the way we react to things. And while Carrie could’ve handled the situation differently, it doesn’t necessarily mean it would’ve turned out better for her or anyone else. The question Carrie asks herself in the book is, “What do we owe the people we love?” But I think the question she needed to ask was, “How do we handle ourselves so that the people we love know we’re doing our best?” I think Carrie’s biggest failure was also what infuriated her about Kilroy. She wasn’t forthcoming with her family and friends back home. Kilroy believed that information didn’t allow you to really know a person, but deep down, even though she didn’t admit it in her narration, I think Carrie thought differently. I think she realized that withholding things from those in her hometown was what led to her flight in the first place, and the only way for them to move forward was for her to be open about what she’d felt in the beginning.
At first, I wanted Carrie to leave. The fact that people expected her to stay in a relationship that had gone from bad to worse since her fiance’s accident seemed incredibly weighty and unfair, but then as she entered New York and met Kilroy, started remembering remnants of her past with Mike, I felt uneasy. Kilroy was distant to the point of madness, and I sometimes wondered whether Carrie was more sexually attached to him than she was in love with him, if their sexual connection didn’t somehow manipulate her feelings. But then, of course they did. She could do with Kilroy what she couldn’t do with Mike, and that seems more clear to me now than while I was reading the book. There were moments, though, that I felt horrible for Kilroy, moments where I wanted to like him. But then he would clam up, refuse Carrie bits of information he claimed were unimportant, and it would infuriate me. I thought it was unwise of Carrie to ask about past girlfriends, sure, but there were other things, other hidden things, that he wasn’t forthcoming about that really made me uneasy about their relationship.
I also had to wonder what exactly Carrie was thinking, because while she narrated this story, it was sometimes hard for me to understand what led her to certain decisions. Obviously, the big decision to run away from Wisconsin to New York was understandable, but then there was ditching on a friend’s wedding she’d agreed to attend, shunting aside a good friend’s plead to come home when her family was in crisis, realizing her mother was going to be alone on Christmas after canceling a flight ticket back to Madison. There were reasons internally deeper that I felt I just wasn’t getting from her. But maybe it was just the fear, the inability to face what she’d done, and that was something that always hung around her.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not I liked Carrie Bell. She left people who’d loved her all her life when their need for her was at its peak, then she runs away to New York and creates more relationships she eventually abandons. The fact that Simon’s and her friendship comes to a standstill and never gets resolved was the harshest, and while she offered Lane a certain closure, Simon was left without any reassurances. While Carrie was sure of her decision in the end, I felt unnerved by it. I couldn’t get over this tug of war she’d played with the people in her life, and it’s left me feeling raw. I understand that she dealt with things the only way she felt capable of, but I still held on to that opinion Mike’s mother had of her: unreliable. I don’t feel like I can trust her to carry on so assuredly past the end of the book. I’m left asking myself, if this story were to go on, would she start to feel suffocated again and repeat the cycle? Perhaps I was supposed to feel like she’d learned something, that her decision to stay was supposed to make me feel better, that she was finally doing the right thing. But then I’d think about the cast in New York. Yes, she’s doing what she should’ve done in the beginning, but where does that leave them? It’s discomfiting for me to think about.
With all that being said, I found myself engrossed with this story. I don’t think it’s supposed to be an easy one to read. I’m not even sure readers are supposed to like Carrie. But I think the point of it is watching someone deal with a complicated situation in the only way they know how, even if it’s ugly and terrible. I think it’s a testament to just how messy life can get and just how badly we end up dealing with it when the pressure is on. We can’t control the way people react to things, we can only control the way we react to things. And while Carrie could’ve handled the situation differently, it doesn’t necessarily mean it would’ve turned out better for her or anyone else. The question Carrie asks herself in the book is, “What do we owe the people we love?” But I think the question she needed to ask was, “How do we handle ourselves so that the people we love know we’re doing our best?” I think Carrie’s biggest failure was also what infuriated her about Kilroy. She wasn’t forthcoming with her family and friends back home. Kilroy believed that information didn’t allow you to really know a person, but deep down, even though she didn’t admit it in her narration, I think Carrie thought differently. I think she realized that withholding things from those in her hometown was what led to her flight in the first place, and the only way for them to move forward was for her to be open about what she’d felt in the beginning.