Scan barcode
A review by warningvelocireader
Kiss Kiss Fang Fang by Penelope Bloom
2.0
Two things to consider before reading this: 1) it contained my least favorite narrative type by utilizing alternating narrators - regardless of how you may feel about it, I find it trite and cheap, so, I may have been put off by that in the very beginning. 2) I read it right on the heels of finishing the Sookie Stackhouse series, which is 13 books long and emotionally draining. Maybe reading another paranormal romance directly after that was not my best move. But, I was ready to laugh at the genre after Charlaine Harris let me down. What can I say.
First of all? It wasn't funny. Not even "blow air out your nose instead of actually laughing" funny. Light hearted? Sure. But, not funny. And I'm not a tough sell. I saved a video clip on Instagram of a guy crashing his golf cart because EVERY TIME I watch it and hear the guy's buddy' laughing, I laugh until tears run down my face. Not to mention, humor is my favorite way to avoid feeling feelings. I am disappointed: not as advertised.
Next up: Ms. Bloom ripped a line from your favorite action-sci-fi-comedy from the 1990s, Men in Black. These vampires have the "charm" ability or "glamour" ability (if you're of the True Blood variety). When our leading hero starts charming the local humans, our heroine says this: “No,” I said. “Jesus. We need to teach you some etiquette or something. I don’t care if you can. You shouldn’t. Lucian frowned. “Why?” “I don’t know? What if you’re scrambling up their brains every time or giving them cancer? No more memory wiping. Okay? That’s a rule from now on.”
Honestly? I thought Will Smith said it better:
Dr. Weaver : [still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Kay : Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.
[neuralyzes her again]
Jay : Would you stop that!
Kay : What?
Jay : That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!
Kay : Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
Jay : Never hurt her before? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Kay : Couple.
Jay : So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Kay : A little.
Jay : K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
Jay : I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
The sex scenes? Cringeworthy. Wait - some of them aren't actually sex scenes. They're...dry humping scenes. Two adults. How's that for cringeworthy? For semi-spoiler-y reasons, I won't get into why they're dry humping. But, they are. Even when they're actually having sex, the dialogue went from this very blithe prose to X rated very quickly. It didn't fit together at all. Which brings me to my next point...
The inconsistencies. One section of the book is devoted to our heroine teaching the vampires how to use cell phones. (One of them immediately uses it to send dick pics. Charming.) And that makes sense, right? They're centuries old and spent the last hundred years sequestered from humanity, so, smart phones probably came way out of left field. I don't know how many of you have ever had to explain to your parents or grandparents how to use some technology feature...but it's taxing. It would then be quite shocking, I think, if that parent or grandparent turned right around and used this barb: ...Alaric [vampire] let out a long whistle of appreciation. “Shadow Force?” he said, laughing. “They really went with that as a name? Was their leader a twelve-year-old boy who spends his days playing video games and threatening to sleep with the mothers of his enemies?” Sir, someone just had to spend several minutes of a short novel explaining how to use a cell phone. How would you know what a video game is or the favorite put down of a teenager playing said video games?
Lastly - it was just so cursory. Plot, characters, scenes, bad guys, setting, ending...I just couldn't buy into any of it. I feel absolutely no loss that the book is over.
First of all? It wasn't funny. Not even "blow air out your nose instead of actually laughing" funny. Light hearted? Sure. But, not funny. And I'm not a tough sell. I saved a video clip on Instagram of a guy crashing his golf cart because EVERY TIME I watch it and hear the guy's buddy' laughing, I laugh until tears run down my face. Not to mention, humor is my favorite way to avoid feeling feelings. I am disappointed: not as advertised.
Next up: Ms. Bloom ripped a line from your favorite action-sci-fi-comedy from the 1990s, Men in Black. These vampires have the "charm" ability or "glamour" ability (if you're of the True Blood variety). When our leading hero starts charming the local humans, our heroine says this: “No,” I said. “Jesus. We need to teach you some etiquette or something. I don’t care if you can. You shouldn’t. Lucian frowned. “Why?” “I don’t know? What if you’re scrambling up their brains every time or giving them cancer? No more memory wiping. Okay? That’s a rule from now on.”
Honestly? I thought Will Smith said it better:
Dr. Weaver : [still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Kay : Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.
[neuralyzes her again]
Jay : Would you stop that!
Kay : What?
Jay : That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!
Kay : Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
Jay : Never hurt her before? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Kay : Couple.
Jay : So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Kay : A little.
Jay : K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
Jay : I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
The sex scenes? Cringeworthy. Wait - some of them aren't actually sex scenes. They're...dry humping scenes. Two adults. How's that for cringeworthy? For semi-spoiler-y reasons, I won't get into why they're dry humping. But, they are. Even when they're actually having sex, the dialogue went from this very blithe prose to X rated very quickly. It didn't fit together at all. Which brings me to my next point...
The inconsistencies. One section of the book is devoted to our heroine teaching the vampires how to use cell phones. (One of them immediately uses it to send dick pics. Charming.) And that makes sense, right? They're centuries old and spent the last hundred years sequestered from humanity, so, smart phones probably came way out of left field. I don't know how many of you have ever had to explain to your parents or grandparents how to use some technology feature...but it's taxing. It would then be quite shocking, I think, if that parent or grandparent turned right around and used this barb: ...Alaric [vampire] let out a long whistle of appreciation. “Shadow Force?” he said, laughing. “They really went with that as a name? Was their leader a twelve-year-old boy who spends his days playing video games and threatening to sleep with the mothers of his enemies?” Sir, someone just had to spend several minutes of a short novel explaining how to use a cell phone. How would you know what a video game is or the favorite put down of a teenager playing said video games?
Lastly - it was just so cursory. Plot, characters, scenes, bad guys, setting, ending...I just couldn't buy into any of it. I feel absolutely no loss that the book is over.