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acozynook 's review for:
Without You
by Marley Valentine
Re-read 3/10/2025: I forgot how broken both Julian and Deacon were. My chest ACHED throughout the first half of this book. I also forgot how they both took care of each other. In my first review, I talked about how Deacon cared for Julian, but Julian did the same for Deacon. They both just genuinely wanted to take care of the other in their own way.
I wallow in nothingness and convince myself life is better on my own. With no feelings, no friends, no family. But for whatever reason, I don't want that for Deacon. He needs to relieve himself of the guilt and sense of blame that oozes out of his pores. Every word. Every look. Every move. He's driven by the need to be better, because the right people didn't tell him he was enough.
Anyway, this book still is a total 5-star read for me, and I cannot wait for With You.
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"I can’t explain the need, or what possesses me to comfort him this way, but that’s what it is. A need. Not a choice. My parents have each other, Victoria has her family, and he has nobody—we both have nobody." The juxtaposition of Deacon's thoughts here with the letter that Rhett left for Deacon ?? Breathtaking. I won't post Rhett's letter because I don't want to give it all away, but seeing Deacon's initial thoughts about Julian beside Rhett's wishes ... well, I was sobbing.
My heart ached watching Deacon and Julian come to grips with their feelings for each other. Their connection jumped off the page, and my heart was literally clenched waiting for both of them to acknowledge what was happening.
Deacon was absolutely broken from his mom's emotional abuse, and he just wanted to get away from it all. He never felt like he could measure up to his younger brother, Rhett, so he left as soon as he could to move to Seattle. Even after his brother died from cancer, Deacon felt like he never truly belonged back in Montana with the rest of his family. Julian, Rhett's boyfriend who was left behind when Rhett passed away, was also broken for very different reasons, but still ... so broken.
Sometimes I wonder if death really is the worst thing, because being alive and feeling so empty and hollow seems to be much worse.
When Deacon came back to Montana for the first anniversary of his brother's death, Julian was there, and there was something that kept pulling them together. This story follows Deacon's sexual awakening, Julian's struggle with grief, and both of their overwhelming feelings of guilt. The way that they both navigated these difficult waters while still supporting each other was stunning.
I loved how Deacon took care of Julian, who had truly never been taken care of in his life. Who knew that fucking pair of gloves would bring me to my knees. 🥺🥺🥺
His kindness has rendered me speechless. It’s effortless, like taking care of me is as natural to him as breathing. I’ve never had that before. When my family died, I took care of myself. When Rhett was sick, all I did was take care of him. I put both hands up in front of my chest, my fingers spread apart, and I watch him take care of me.
I thought the references to Rhett would get annoying, but I think the author was able to keep his memory very much alive while still giving both Deacon and Julian the space to move on and be happy together. I would have loved to seen more happiness - more domesticity - but the little bit we got to see towards the end was very sweet. They were such a communicative and supportive partnership. Their phone conversations? Top tier. ❤️
From the boy who lost his way, not once, not twice, but three times, I finally feel like I’m home.
I fell in love with both Deacon and Julian, and their story will always have a special place in my heart.