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A review by alisarae
We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter by Celeste Headlee
This book is based on NPR show host Celeste Headlee's TED Talk, "10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation."
The 10 points in the talk each have a corresponding chapter in the book. The points are:
1. Don't multitask - be fully in or fully out of the conversation.
2. Don't pontificate.
3. Use open ended questions.
4. Go with the flow / Travel together.
5. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
6. Don't equate your experience with theirs.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds.
9. Listen.
10. Be brief.
There are a few other introductory chapters as well.
Why the book is worth reading even after you watch the TED Talk:
Headlee goes into a lot about empathy. That is totally missing from the talk, but it seems that the solution to nearly all of our "conversational narcissism" and inability to talk to people about touchy issues is because we lack empathy. Research supports this: in a compilation of 72 studies done over 30 years, scientists "found a 40% decline in empathy among college students, with the vast majority of that decline taking place after 2000."
We also lack self-control to hold our tongues and let our thoughts go. Headlee gives numerous examples of how meditation has helped her do both of those things, and the results of when she didn't. We don't have to correct people all the time, even if they are wrong. We don't have to say every thought that comes to mind; it doesn't really matter in the end. Keeping quiet is not the same as condoning.
The third reason is all of Headlee's personal stories and the bits of research tucked into every chapter. Her stories are so powerful that they are almost unbelievable. I guess that's what happens when you really, truly listen to the person you are talking to.
The 10 points in the talk each have a corresponding chapter in the book. The points are:
1. Don't multitask - be fully in or fully out of the conversation.
2. Don't pontificate.
3. Use open ended questions.
4. Go with the flow / Travel together.
5. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
6. Don't equate your experience with theirs.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds.
9. Listen.
10. Be brief.
There are a few other introductory chapters as well.
Why the book is worth reading even after you watch the TED Talk:
Headlee goes into a lot about empathy. That is totally missing from the talk, but it seems that the solution to nearly all of our "conversational narcissism" and inability to talk to people about touchy issues is because we lack empathy. Research supports this: in a compilation of 72 studies done over 30 years, scientists "found a 40% decline in empathy among college students, with the vast majority of that decline taking place after 2000."
We also lack self-control to hold our tongues and let our thoughts go. Headlee gives numerous examples of how meditation has helped her do both of those things, and the results of when she didn't. We don't have to correct people all the time, even if they are wrong. We don't have to say every thought that comes to mind; it doesn't really matter in the end. Keeping quiet is not the same as condoning.
The third reason is all of Headlee's personal stories and the bits of research tucked into every chapter. Her stories are so powerful that they are almost unbelievable. I guess that's what happens when you really, truly listen to the person you are talking to.