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A review by crystalstarrlight
Star Wars: Dark Empire Trilogy by Tom Veitch
2.0
Bullet Review:
Dark Empire - 3 stars. Meh but not horrible
Dark Empire II - 0 stars. Stupidest of the stupidest. I can't believe the same team did this.
Empire's End - 0 stars. Maybe BARELY better than DEII. Emperor has full blown mustache twirling as he races after a baby.
Full review to come - because I can't not for a Star Wars book I've seen alluded to SO MANY TIMES and am so underwhelmed with upon finishing.
THIS was the story all the books referenced back in the day?! What about the one where Luke dresses up like a woman and makes the Emperor fall in love with him?!
Full Review:
Chronologically in "Legends" Star Wars EU Time, this falls between the Thrawn trilogy and the Jedi Academy trilogy, although I believe it was written years before the Thrawn trilogy and set after that I think due to some arrangement with Bantam and Dark Horse.
The book opens with Han and Leia hurrying to save Lando and Luke, who crash-landed their Star Destroyer on Coruscant. Why did this happen? Why is the Empire back when it was soundly defeated in both Return of the Jedi and the Thrawn Trilogy? Get used to having questions that never get answered.
Luke then senses a Force Storm (what is this? Where was the foreshadowing that this was a thing?), which sucks him in and has him face to face with...the Emperor! He's been reborn in one of the millions of clones he has. The Emperor's mission? To have Luke replace Darth Vader at his side and rule the galaxy.
Meanwhile, the Empire, ever infatuated with the idea of spending quadrillions of credits on weapons of mass destruction that will just become massively destroyed weapons, have developed World Devastators. Which if you've seen "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" are basically the same things used to destroy Earth for a bypass.
And I'm supposed to take this concept seriously. No wonder I never told people back in the day I liked Star Wars - might as well admit I liked Blue Beetle and Wonder Dog while I was at it.
Leia eventually can't take that Luke is being turned by the Dark Side (which the only way I could tell is that he wears black - he actually commands his troops to self-destruct or deploy stupidly so that they die, making Luke once again an accomplice to the unnecessary murder of billions). She bullies Han, who insists that Luke is a big boy and is totes not being turned by the Dark Side because the Force is hokey and all that razzmatazz, to take her seriously - plus, Force Woo means she just happens to know that Luke is on Byss. How? Why? This galaxy has World Devastators. Nothing has to make sense here.
Han and Leia zoom out to Nar Shaddaa and meet up with one of the only other females in the book, Salla Zend, Han's ex and a super pilot herself. Oh wait, there's also yet another one of those Jedi who somehow didn't get killed in the purge, Vima, who just happens to be on Nar Shaddaa, who HAPPENS to be in Leia's path and who HAPPENS to have a plot convenient Holocron. And because all old Jedi are weird, she talks about herself in third person.
Lando and Wedge head off to defeat the World Devastators before Zaphod Beeblebrox becomes president instead of Mon Mothma and whales and blabberfish, Han and Leia bully Shug and Salla to help them rescue Luke (and later on shame them when they - gasp! - are upset that their business and ships got decimated when helping Han and Leia) - but can they save him if he's already been turned? Even if that turning just means listening to Evanescence and shopping Hot Topic?
That was only Dark Empire - and while I snark heavily, it was not all that bad.
No, I reserve that for Dark Empire II and Empire's End.
So, although everything gets wrapped up in Dark Empire, someone saw that there was a market for Star Wars and pumped out DEII and Empire's End. These two tag team in probably the worst graphic concoction of bad jokes (The Millennium Falcon is an old ship and is broken all the time!), horrible art (Leia looks like a fat man most of the time), nonsensical plot elements (Han and Leia racing back to get Vima, meeting Brand, Luke in the middle of a war deciding to head to Ossus and recruit Jedi), bad romance (Luke and Jem in a "blink and you'll miss it" romance - has Veitch ever SEEN people fall in love?!), new stupid superweapons (starring the ACME Galaxy Gun), terrible villains (Sedriss is laughable and the Emperor comes back AGAIN to twirl his non-existent mustache - by this point, the Emperor is the Boss Hogg of this series, so ineffectual and yet everyone keeps running from him acting as if he's so bad), and absurdly overdramatic! irrelelvant! narration! - and yes, I mean even worse than the Marvel comics from the 1970's!
At least the 70's Marvel comics were bad because that was the time period. Jaxxon the Rabbit was ridiculous, but everything in the 70's was ridiculous. I mean, look at those panels above! Had anyone heard of PANTS in this galaxy?! Dark Empire II and Empire's End came AFTER "The Watchman" and Frank Miller's Batman stuff - who the frak thought anyone could take this sh!t seriously?!
And now for the long-awaited return: Nerd Nitpicks!
1) All those damned Jedi. Darth Vader was TERRIBLE at eradicating the Jedi. He missed Vima, Brand, Ranik Solusar, and the entire colony on Ossus! WTF!
2) Superweapons. After this book, no one should have ever been allowed to ever touch the word "superweapon". World Devastator was bad, but nothing compares to the abject stupidity of the Galaxy Gun. I said it in a status update - I've seen more realistic weapons of destruction in Looney Tunes.
3) New Alderaan. Want to hide your kids and keep them safe? Put them on a planet and just have people randomly land on the planet without radio contact. That SURELY won't arouse suspicion - even though every half-civilized planet in this galaxy has radio communications with ships to make sure to clear them and give them appropriate landing directions.
4) The Emperor wants your baby! Because, you see, it makes MORE sense for him to steal a baby and put his soul in it, and then wait 18 years than to take one of his Force-sensitive lackeys and do the same thing. Nevermind that no one even knew that you could use the Dark Side to preserve your soul long enough to put it in a new body.
I cannot believe that this compilation costs almost $100 on Amazon. I can think of a million other things I'd rather spend $100 on than this, including:
+ A bike (and I hate bike riding)
+ Yarn
+ More books
+ Hand sanitizer
+ Trail mix
+ Full body wax
I respect the hell out of Dark Empire, because it wasn't actually too awful and made me nostalgic for my teenaged years of loving Star Wars. But Dark Empire II and Empire''s End are abominations and need to be purged from all memory.
Dark Empire - 3 stars. Meh but not horrible
Dark Empire II - 0 stars. Stupidest of the stupidest. I can't believe the same team did this.
Empire's End - 0 stars. Maybe BARELY better than DEII. Emperor has full blown mustache twirling as he races after a baby.
Full review to come - because I can't not for a Star Wars book I've seen alluded to SO MANY TIMES and am so underwhelmed with upon finishing.
THIS was the story all the books referenced back in the day?! What about the one where Luke dresses up like a woman and makes the Emperor fall in love with him?!
Full Review:
Chronologically in "Legends" Star Wars EU Time, this falls between the Thrawn trilogy and the Jedi Academy trilogy, although I believe it was written years before the Thrawn trilogy and set after that I think due to some arrangement with Bantam and Dark Horse.
The book opens with Han and Leia hurrying to save Lando and Luke, who crash-landed their Star Destroyer on Coruscant. Why did this happen? Why is the Empire back when it was soundly defeated in both Return of the Jedi and the Thrawn Trilogy? Get used to having questions that never get answered.
Luke then senses a Force Storm (what is this? Where was the foreshadowing that this was a thing?), which sucks him in and has him face to face with...the Emperor! He's been reborn in one of the millions of clones he has. The Emperor's mission? To have Luke replace Darth Vader at his side and rule the galaxy.
Meanwhile, the Empire, ever infatuated with the idea of spending quadrillions of credits on weapons of mass destruction that will just become massively destroyed weapons, have developed World Devastators. Which if you've seen "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" are basically the same things used to destroy Earth for a bypass.
And I'm supposed to take this concept seriously. No wonder I never told people back in the day I liked Star Wars - might as well admit I liked Blue Beetle and Wonder Dog while I was at it.
Leia eventually can't take that Luke is being turned by the Dark Side (which the only way I could tell is that he wears black - he actually commands his troops to self-destruct or deploy stupidly so that they die, making Luke once again an accomplice to the unnecessary murder of billions). She bullies Han, who insists that Luke is a big boy and is totes not being turned by the Dark Side because the Force is hokey and all that razzmatazz, to take her seriously - plus, Force Woo means she just happens to know that Luke is on Byss. How? Why? This galaxy has World Devastators. Nothing has to make sense here.
Han and Leia zoom out to Nar Shaddaa and meet up with one of the only other females in the book, Salla Zend, Han's ex and a super pilot herself. Oh wait, there's also yet another one of those Jedi who somehow didn't get killed in the purge, Vima, who just happens to be on Nar Shaddaa, who HAPPENS to be in Leia's path and who HAPPENS to have a plot convenient Holocron. And because all old Jedi are weird, she talks about herself in third person.
Lando and Wedge head off to defeat the World Devastators before Zaphod Beeblebrox becomes president instead of Mon Mothma and whales and blabberfish, Han and Leia bully Shug and Salla to help them rescue Luke (and later on shame them when they - gasp! - are upset that their business and ships got decimated when helping Han and Leia) - but can they save him if he's already been turned? Even if that turning just means listening to Evanescence and shopping Hot Topic?
That was only Dark Empire - and while I snark heavily, it was not all that bad.
No, I reserve that for Dark Empire II and Empire's End.
So, although everything gets wrapped up in Dark Empire, someone saw that there was a market for Star Wars and pumped out DEII and Empire's End. These two tag team in probably the worst graphic concoction of bad jokes (The Millennium Falcon is an old ship and is broken all the time!), horrible art (Leia looks like a fat man most of the time), nonsensical plot elements (Han and Leia racing back to get Vima, meeting Brand, Luke in the middle of a war deciding to head to Ossus and recruit Jedi), bad romance (Luke and Jem in a "blink and you'll miss it" romance - has Veitch ever SEEN people fall in love?!), new stupid superweapons (starring the ACME Galaxy Gun), terrible villains (Sedriss is laughable and the Emperor comes back AGAIN to twirl his non-existent mustache - by this point, the Emperor is the Boss Hogg of this series, so ineffectual and yet everyone keeps running from him acting as if he's so bad), and absurdly overdramatic! irrelelvant! narration! - and yes, I mean even worse than the Marvel comics from the 1970's!
At least the 70's Marvel comics were bad because that was the time period. Jaxxon the Rabbit was ridiculous, but everything in the 70's was ridiculous. I mean, look at those panels above! Had anyone heard of PANTS in this galaxy?! Dark Empire II and Empire's End came AFTER "The Watchman" and Frank Miller's Batman stuff - who the frak thought anyone could take this sh!t seriously?!
And now for the long-awaited return: Nerd Nitpicks!
1) All those damned Jedi. Darth Vader was TERRIBLE at eradicating the Jedi. He missed Vima, Brand, Ranik Solusar, and the entire colony on Ossus! WTF!
2) Superweapons. After this book, no one should have ever been allowed to ever touch the word "superweapon". World Devastator was bad, but nothing compares to the abject stupidity of the Galaxy Gun. I said it in a status update - I've seen more realistic weapons of destruction in Looney Tunes.
3) New Alderaan. Want to hide your kids and keep them safe? Put them on a planet and just have people randomly land on the planet without radio contact. That SURELY won't arouse suspicion - even though every half-civilized planet in this galaxy has radio communications with ships to make sure to clear them and give them appropriate landing directions.
4) The Emperor wants your baby! Because, you see, it makes MORE sense for him to steal a baby and put his soul in it, and then wait 18 years than to take one of his Force-sensitive lackeys and do the same thing. Nevermind that no one even knew that you could use the Dark Side to preserve your soul long enough to put it in a new body.
I cannot believe that this compilation costs almost $100 on Amazon. I can think of a million other things I'd rather spend $100 on than this, including:
+ A bike (and I hate bike riding)
+ Yarn
+ More books
+ Hand sanitizer
+ Trail mix
+ Full body wax
I respect the hell out of Dark Empire, because it wasn't actually too awful and made me nostalgic for my teenaged years of loving Star Wars. But Dark Empire II and Empire''s End are abominations and need to be purged from all memory.