A review by readingwithsierra
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

4.0

Its 2000 and fifteen year old Vanessa Wye is attending her sophomore year at Browick Boarding school with the hopes of making new friends, or at least that is what her mom is hoping for. As Vanessa settles into her classes and dorm room, she's finding it harder to acclimate with her fellow classmates, which eventually leads her to becoming the prey of her forty-two year old English teacher, Jacob Strane. Strane lets Vanessa borrow his copy of Lolita which leads to him steadily grooming her over the course of the school year, making Vanessa his own version of Lolita. As their affair turns serious, Vanessa is forced to deal with many challenges that no fifteen year old girl should ever have to face. Between the abuse she's become accustomed to and the danger of being caught, Vanessa must decide if she is willing to lose Strane or become her own martyr.

Flash forward to 2017. Vanessa is in her early thirties and she is still in contact with her abuser and rapist, Jacob Strane. One day she stumbles across a Facebook post written by a girl who alleges that Jacob Strane had abused her when she was only fourteen years old. Distraught by the allegation, Strane contacts Vanessa in hopes that she will stay silent on their ‘prior relationship’ in order to save his name. Unfortunately, Vanessa takes his side of the story and refuses to speak about her time with him. That is until more allegations come out against Strane, forcing Vanessa to doubt his side and question her own relationship with him. As the allegations pick up momentum, the other victims try to reach out to Vanessa to get her story out there in hopes that it will condemn Strane as the rapist he is. Vanessa struggles with her own definition of abuse and what counts as “rape” as she recounts the effects Strane has had on her whole life. She must acknowledge the abuse and rape she was forced to belive was true love was actually a pedofile acting on his ‘dark urges’.

I had a really hard time getting through this book and I found myself wondering why nobody could see that she was being abused by her teacher. I think to myself how obvious it was and then I think back to when I was about that age, I was erratic; I was difficult to handle; and I’m pretty sure I also lied about being fine when I most definitely wasn’t. The hard truth of this book is that it portrays the reality of how we sexualize our young girls and how as young girls we are taught that our bodies can be used and abused by men without our ‘consent’ because ‘who will believe you?’ Its heartbreaking that this story is probably the reality of many young women who were gaslit into believing they deserved this type of abuse and what this book does is it opens up the conversation on how manipulation and PTSD from sexual abuse can harm us not only physically but mentally and emotionally. In the time of #MeToo and assault of young women on the rise, we see how detrimental the whole process can be when we try to come out with our stories. Not only are we not believed but we are then forced into the role of a monster for ‘ruining a good man’s reputation’.

I will commend Kate Elizabeth Russell on her beautiful writing and portrayal of emotions, this book was filled with such vivid depictions of abuse and mental instability that I found myself in tears for most of it. The characters were all so well developed and despite me hating every single one of them, I found myself enthralled with their lives and interactions. I did feel the book went on for way too long and maybe that is because she wrote this over the span of a decade, which makes me think there was a lot of story to tell and a lot of perspective to give. Overall, this book was a good (bad?) read and I would say it needs to be more well known throughout modern media because the message its giving is that we need to do better by our girls.