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A review by breenmachine
The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real
4.0
Great book. Full of good ideas about how to approach problems in relationships (romantic or otherwise). Not only did he explain things well, he gives concrete ways of making changes happen. I especially loved his explanation of boundaries. He does do some massive and outdated generalizations about male vs females in 21st century relationships - but ignoring that - the content is great. The Feedback Wheel and the chart of "one up, one down, boundaryless or not" - two of my favorite sections.
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."