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james1star 's review for:
I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
by Baek Se-hee
informative
reflective
medium-paced
Title: 100/5 ⭐️
Cover: 20/5 ⭐️
Content and execution: 3.5/5⭐️
This is marketed as a mental health / self help / memoir but I don’t think that’s really an accurate description. It’s basically a transcript of Baek’s sessions with her psychiatrist and then some observations. “This is a record of a very ordinary, incomplete person who meets another very ordinary, incomplete person, the latter of whom happens to be a therapist.” So I think it was okay but not necessarily what I had expected or offered anything that insightful/different. There was parts I (and others from reading reviews) can relate to and understand about depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and others. Baek begins her sessions talking about past trauma (issues of domestic abuse, unhealthy relationship with her older sister to whom she depended on, embarrassment over her social status, passivity in romanic relationships, being bullied at school that made her scared of straying from the herd and some others) and then in her sessions talks over what was happening in her life at the time and how she’s feeling. Her psychiatrist does help, offering some good advice but at times what they say don’t seem to be the most helpful or put across in the best way. Two examples: “…don’t think about the future too much. Your anxiety can become a burden to others.” And “I understand this need of yours to confirm, but I think the way you go about it is perhaps a little… childish?” I don’t have any experience in psychology but do have some with mental health professionals so maybe I’m not the best judge - however, this argument is picked up in some other reviews by professionals.
I also don’t think the writing was all that good, it seemed a bit basic at times and just wasn’t too engaging. I understand it’s a transcript for most of this book and so the things people have said orally written down so there’s little editing one can do but this follows through to the parts where the author is summarising parts and her observations. It’s possible that the nuance, meaning and eloquence was lost in translation.
What follows are my notes and some quotes that stuck out to me. I am glad I did read this as parts I could resonate with and take from it into my own life. But I would say it’s not worth the hype and there are better variations of what this book was trying to do. Exceptional title but average reading experience.
“But the idea that I’m actually normal is somehow even more weird to me”
Likely she has dysthymia - persistent depressive disorder
Hedgehog’s dilemma - contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length. “I have always wanted to be alone, yet always hated being alone.”
“The assurance that I’m fine makes me want to cry with relief, how embarrassing.”
Self-surveillance, psych says “forgetfulness can be liberating”
“Don’t compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to your past self.”
“You have this superego that exerts control over you, a superego built not only from your own experiences but cobbled together from all sorts of things that you admire, creating an idealised version of yourself. But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal. It's not who you actually are. You keep failing to meet that ideal in the real world…”
“I believe that the more I look into this strange being, myself, the more routes I will find to happiness.”
Humans beings are three-dimensional - try looking at people like this more
“The unhappiness floats to the top like oil while the happiness sinks below. But the container that holds both is what we call life, and that's where I find solace and joy. I'm sad, but I'm alive, and living through it.”
“I'm very good at objectifying myself, you see. I know I'm not ugly. But I'm not pretty, either. I know I'm just ordinary, and I hate that even more.”
“The social gaze is so insidious, and despite any escape being impossible, I want to escape it.” … “I don't know why an individual has to be treated as less-than and strive to fit society's standards when it's the people who denigrate others who are the real problem.”
Limit use of modifiers like age, job, education and stuff - it adds pressure that we may not be able to fulfil
Content Warnings
Graphic: Mental illness
Minor: Alcoholism, Bullying, Domestic abuse, Eating disorder, Fatphobia, Alcohol