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_sofiia_ 's review for:
What Dementia Teaches Us About Love
by Nicci Gerrard
challenging
emotional
reflective
sad
slow-paced
this book calmly suggested that i read it when it managed to capture my eye in a charity shop. i thought it would be a sweet, perhaps a bit tearful read, from which i should not expect much. i was even worried it would be that kind of repetitive non-fiction that makes me stir away from the genre as a whole. but oh boy… oh boy…
this is a masterpiece. a profoundly felt and beautifully written mix of life stories of people with dementia and philosophical inquiries of the self, home, and shame. Gerrard undoubtedly managed to write a consistently gripping work that is filled with emotion and a sense of urgency. this book is paramount for reading even if you do not live with dementia - it carries something bigger indeed, it indeed teaches us about the intricacies and the power of love and human connection.
i’m surprised that this book survived with only one accidental splash of water while travelling in my bag, and had not been flooded with my tears practically at every instance i sat down to read it.
i’m impressed with how the author tackled multiple themes in this book, from what dementia is (e.g., the nature of memory loss) to the subtleties of a diagnostic label, to the accompanying feelings of naked shame, harrowing isolation, and a devastating loss of a self. i loved the questioning of our ability to truly understand what dementia is, what it feels like, and the recognition of the language’s powerlessness when it comes to attempting to answer these questions. the illumination of carers’/spouses’ experiences was especially powerful and deserves elaboration.
i’m impressed with how the author tackled multiple themes in this book, from what dementia is (e.g., the nature of memory loss) to the subtleties of a diagnostic label, to the accompanying feelings of naked shame, harrowing isolation, and a devastating loss of a self. i loved the questioning of our ability to truly understand what dementia is, what it feels like, and the recognition of the language’s powerlessness when it comes to attempting to answer these questions. the illumination of carers’/spouses’ experiences was especially powerful and deserves elaboration.
To have one's life back, if only for a while; to care and yet to physically survive. How much should one give? Everything? One's whole self? It's always too much; it's never enough. (ch. 7 - Carers)
my favourite chapters were Shame (ch. 6), Home (ch. 9), and At the End (ch. 12 - where the dam of my tear duct burst and i had a final cathartic/existential cry).
in Shame, i appreciated the versatility with which Gerrard treated this feeling, exposing it in the experiences of people with dementia, their carers/spouses, and the society that is soaked in a collective shame and denial of the realities of ageing.
Home was full of philosophical undertones that linked back to the earlier images of people with dementia who may cry for “home”, for their memories are lost and they may no longer feel at home in their lives, “they suffer a ‘searing’ homesickness for the site of ‘psychic security’” (ch. 9).
At the End moved me with its depiction of a connection between an incredibly empathetic and attentive staff member and a person at the later stages of dementia. this solidified the message of how crucial it is to treat people with respect and care, giving them the opportunity to access the good memories even when you’d think that the self is lost. it is a perturbing mystery - the things that are the last to go that make us - us.
one of my favourite quotes that also summarises one of the lessons i want to take from this book, is from Theresa Clarke and goes like so:
[Theresa Clarke:] ““we’ve got to know what makes us tick. if we don’t, we’re losing ourselves, dementia or not. you have to delve into yourself. i feel that i know the real me. i feel no shame because i can’t be caught out”. not many of us can’t be caught out.” p.106
***
something to be returned to again and again.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Medical trauma