kriscent 's review for:

Tiny Humans, Big Emotions: How to Navigate Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Defiance to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children by Lauren Elizabeth Stauble, Alyssa Blask Campbell

3.75

informative medium-paced

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This book was an alright read. Some information was useful and lined up with authors, organizations and studies with similar parenting views. Other information was not straightforward, rather confusing at times and had a lot of conflicting information. Especially the coping mechanism vs coping strategies chapters. That was one big wobbly line that crossed at multiple points and didn't have guidance, a real answer or a solution. 

The same applies to the boundary vs threat section. The problem is that a lot of the "threats" she classified are simply consequences of behavior. Unfortunately in this book the author feels that consequences are only that if they're natural. 

For example in the book she states: 

Boundary: I won’t let you hit my body. Consequence: If you hit my body, I will move to keep myself safe. 

Threat: If you hit me, I will feel sad and won’t talk to you. 

Threat: If you hit me, you won’t get a doughnut when we go to the bakery later.

The problem is that both threats are consequences but only the bakery one is an imposed consequence. If you hit someone they will be upset and probably won't talk to/play with you (especially in regards to other children) and therefore it's a natural consequence of a specific behavior. There's nothing wrong with letting them know that if they hurt people they won't want to play with you and that other people have emotions as well and can feel sad or angry. 

I did really like most of chapter 10 and found it very helpful. There was lots of good information that I plan on rereading through the years as my kids grow older. A particular set of paragraphs after a elementary school story was particularly relatable but not something I had thought of until pointed out 

"Some children’s nervous systems react by going into fight mode (hitting, kicking, yelling, biting) while others flee (running away), fawn (apologize or people-please immediately), or freeze (disconnect, go quiet, and maybe even seem regulated when they are not). If a child who freezes is uncertain about their rights to the toy or how to get help, they might distract themselves quickly in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable. They might look perfectly fine, not complain, or get involved with something else. A regulated child is usually presumed to be high functioning and not need support or have to work on skills regarding social-emotional development. This child may seem very easygoing, when, in fact, they don’t know how to self-advocate. Instances of advocacy often start with a feeling of discomfort, sometimes even despair or rage related to whatever the current circumstances are. So emotion processing is important for transforming a pattern of giving up into a pattern of self-advocacy."

Thar being said, chapter 10 really only works with your own children. I'm not sure how well lecturing other people's kids will end up going however. There were a few examples where the author took control of a situation with little guidance and input from the parent of the other child. That's not likely to happen with just about anyone in a real life situation or if it does you won't be included in those playdates for much longer. 

Overall the book is a good read, a lot of information wasn't new for me, but some was. I just think a lot of the logic she used really only works if to have no where to be, aren't in a public situation or it only involves your own children.

Quotes I like and will try to remember: 

"In the face of a quivering lip or a tense body, examples of trying to stop versus allowing feelings may sound like: 

“You’re okay.”

 “I’m sorry you don’t want to put your coat on, but we are going outside now.”

 “Who’s got your nose?” (Said playfully, to distract in the absence of CEP.) 

Yes, big emotions actually are inconvenient—but learning to process them is worth it."

"When you were a child, if you were made to feel responsible for someone else’s feelings through shame, you may have a hard time accessing empathy. A shame response might sound like: “Don’t say that. It’ll make Mom feel sad.” “Dad will be mad if you do that.” “Oh great, you made your sister feel scared.” While shame might change a behavior, even for the short-term, it becomes a part of a child’s self-talk and can result in lying, rationalizing, or defending down the road when they make mistakes or engage in conflict."

"Practice holding space without fixing."

"Model perspective talking"

 When you get cut off in traffic, instead of all the curse words you’re thinking, try, “I wonder what that person is in such a hurry to get to. I hope everything is okay.”"