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ravenjones 's review for:
The Secret Commonwealth
by Philip Pullman
Twenty years after Northern Lights it's the Steven Universe Future of the HDM Cinematic Universe and I mean that in a derogatory way...
Pan and Lyra hate each other now in like, an unbearably pretentious way.
Pan witnesses the most boring murder that's ever happened. The guy that was chopped was investigating Rose farms because the Church's big ish is that roses are evil now because they're something to do with Dust yada yada. Boring af. Recycled version of the previous plot with extra steps.
Lyra has an evil uncle that she never knew existed that's set himself up as the leader of the Church and his first decree is to capture Lyra in the most boring, slowest fashion possible (Thanks King) because he is weirdly obssessed with his dead sister Mrs Coulter.
Pan leaves Lyra to "Find her imagination" bitch what does that mean??
Lyra decides she has to go to Asia to investigate this Rose stuff and find Pan in the middle of a desert where Daemons without people go. Whatever Queen. I guess. On the way she gets sexually assaulted on a train by a whole gang of men but she fights them off with a big stick and that's feminism, right??
Malcolm is feeling his Rolf Harris oats and he's in love with Lyra. Being in love with someone that you've know since they were a baby should be a crime punishable by death and thinking about the way her "Warm girl hair" smelled when she was like 15, THE BRAZEN BULL. And death to your Uber driver.
Malcolm is also on his way to central Asia to investigate this rose stuff.
Basically fuck all happens. Philip Pullman really said no plot for you bbg.
If the next book isn't Book of Dust: To Catch a Predator Elmo's gonna sue.
Also we get gems like this:
- Bonneville thrust his right forefinger into and out of his closed left fist, several times. Malcolm knew what the boy wanted then: the sexual admiration of an older man. He let a slight smile into his expression.
- Alice was slim, she could move with great elegance, she was not beautiful– she would never be that, nor pretty, nor conventionally attractive– but she could embody an intense sexuality.
- She began to feel a familiar deep dragging ache low in her belly. Well, it was due. There was even something reassuring in it: if that part’s working, then at least my body’s still in good order, she thought.