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A review by haletostilinski1
Out of the Shade by S.A. McAuley
4.0
I fell for this author when I read her Borders War series, starting with [b:One Breath, One Bullet|36128116|One Breath, One Bullet (The Borders War, #1)|S.A. McAuley|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1503761426s/36128116.jpg|23853178]. I felt that that series was severely underappreciated and I think I've been waiting for this author to come out with another book for a long time, to not only see what she could do with something completely different, but also to just get more S.A. McAuley.
While this wasn't a complete win for me, it was still really really good, in my opinion. It's always tough to read stories where one of the MC's is extremely closeted - or closeted at all, but especially when it is extreme - so going into this I knew it wouldn't be an easy read.
Sometimes, for some people, even if they grow up in a good household, and never had anything particularly homophobic thrown at them specifically, they still can't handle being not straight, and it seems like they never will come out - and for some people, they never do, or do it very late in life - and Jesse is that person.
His sister had an abusive father - physically and sexually - and then she married an abusive man - but while that definitely affects Jesse because he loves his sister and wants her to be happy, it isn't happen to Jesse, so it isn't like this trauma is happening to him. But other than that, he has two parents who love him - his father is different from his sister's father - and while they're somewhat distant with him, that doesn't mean they're bad parents.
Jesse has grown up with the Kensington boys, a group of fairly exclusionary guys who take pride in being a group of friends from Kensington. I don't know if Jesse grew up with these guys being particularly homophobic, but I bet there was a casual homophobia among some of them, nothing too overt, but homophobic all the same, even though there's only one guy in the group who really has a problem with gay guys - like when Chuck shows up, no one seems to care except for Ryan.
So, for all intents and purposes, it's a wonder why Jesse is so afraid, so much so that he's 33 years old, and still closeted, still hiding that he sleeps with men as well as women - and he is bisexual, not gay, but he's still scared about anyone finding out he likes men as well - and is so messed up by his attraction to men that he turned to the bottle to hide his anxiety and fear and everything over it, and he becomes an alcoholic, really.
But sometimes it doesn't have to be so horrible for someone to start drinking or self-destructing, sometimes it's their own fucked up thoughts, without any real outside interference, that does it, and that's what happens with Jesse.
I did love how this book took Jesse's journey. He hits rock bottom around 40, 45% and it's only up from there, really. He gets almost black out drunk - which of course, Chuck has never seen how he acts when he gets that drunk - and to make matters worse, he lets his problems with Chuck and himself manifest badly enough that he beats up Emily's abusive ex almost to death. Not that anyone would miss the guy, but that's not the point. Jesse truly reaches rock bottom.
As for the romance - I do have to say that some of my problem with this was the lack of connection between Chuck and Jesse at first. It was there, but...it wasn't enough of a connection for me. So much so that I was wondering why these men were falling for each other. We didn't get to see enough, in my opinion. The sex also felt rushed and that detracted from my enjoyment too. I was expecting more detailed and passionate sex, if not emotional yet.
Now, that connection did grow more as the book went on and these two got to a much better place, and I did come to really love them together (although the sex was still rushed, which annoyed me. I wanted the making love scenes, okay? Not enough explicitness or passion in the sex scenes for me - they even felt rushed over at times, and it was a bummer for me, especially when I know this author can write incredibly good sex scenes.) and enjoy them together. But at first I just wasn't really feeling it, though.
Of course, just as I was starting to feel it between them, everything went to shit. In the end the separation was necessary, but sure was hard to read. Also,
So overall, I really enjoyed this, especially the second half. I saw other reviews stating how the first half wasn't the most fun to read, and I agree. But also we have to read the first half to get that second half. We have to earn that happiness just like Jesse does. We have to see him reach rock bottom in order to see him reach true happiness. We had to see just how bad things were and how bad they got to see Jesse finally pull his head of out his ass and get his life together so he could be happy, whether or not Chuck was in his life (although Chuck is a definite bonus ;) )
So overall, I really enjoyed this and I hope to get more stories from this author in the future, I feel she is so underrated. And while this wasn't perfect for me, overall it was really good and deserving of a read (and yes, just stick with it through the first half to get to the awesome second half.)
Two thumbs up from me!
While this wasn't a complete win for me, it was still really really good, in my opinion. It's always tough to read stories where one of the MC's is extremely closeted - or closeted at all, but especially when it is extreme - so going into this I knew it wouldn't be an easy read.
Sometimes, for some people, even if they grow up in a good household, and never had anything particularly homophobic thrown at them specifically, they still can't handle being not straight, and it seems like they never will come out - and for some people, they never do, or do it very late in life - and Jesse is that person.
His sister had an abusive father - physically and sexually - and then she married an abusive man - but while that definitely affects Jesse because he loves his sister and wants her to be happy, it isn't happen to Jesse, so it isn't like this trauma is happening to him. But other than that, he has two parents who love him - his father is different from his sister's father - and while they're somewhat distant with him, that doesn't mean they're bad parents.
Jesse has grown up with the Kensington boys, a group of fairly exclusionary guys who take pride in being a group of friends from Kensington. I don't know if Jesse grew up with these guys being particularly homophobic, but I bet there was a casual homophobia among some of them, nothing too overt, but homophobic all the same, even though there's only one guy in the group who really has a problem with gay guys - like when Chuck shows up, no one seems to care except for Ryan.
So, for all intents and purposes, it's a wonder why Jesse is so afraid, so much so that he's 33 years old, and still closeted, still hiding that he sleeps with men as well as women - and he is bisexual, not gay, but he's still scared about anyone finding out he likes men as well - and is so messed up by his attraction to men that he turned to the bottle to hide his anxiety and fear and everything over it, and he becomes an alcoholic, really.
But sometimes it doesn't have to be so horrible for someone to start drinking or self-destructing, sometimes it's their own fucked up thoughts, without any real outside interference, that does it, and that's what happens with Jesse.
I did love how this book took Jesse's journey. He hits rock bottom around 40, 45% and it's only up from there, really. He gets almost black out drunk - which of course, Chuck has never seen how he acts when he gets that drunk - and to make matters worse, he lets his problems with Chuck and himself manifest badly enough that he beats up Emily's abusive ex almost to death. Not that anyone would miss the guy, but that's not the point. Jesse truly reaches rock bottom.
As for the romance - I do have to say that some of my problem with this was the lack of connection between Chuck and Jesse at first. It was there, but...it wasn't enough of a connection for me. So much so that I was wondering why these men were falling for each other. We didn't get to see enough, in my opinion. The sex also felt rushed and that detracted from my enjoyment too. I was expecting more detailed and passionate sex, if not emotional yet.
Now, that connection did grow more as the book went on and these two got to a much better place, and I did come to really love them together (although the sex was still rushed, which annoyed me. I wanted the making love scenes, okay? Not enough explicitness or passion in the sex scenes for me - they even felt rushed over at times, and it was a bummer for me, especially when I know this author can write incredibly good sex scenes.) and enjoy them together. But at first I just wasn't really feeling it, though.
Of course, just as I was starting to feel it between them, everything went to shit. In the end the separation was necessary, but sure was hard to read. Also,
Spoiler
there is no cheating, but Jesse lets his ex get a little too close and personal during his almost black-out drunkness. And a part of me is like "no, he was so out of it he could barely remember anything, he didn't have all his faculties to even consent anyway" but also he does say that he just wanted to be "normal" and while he thought of Chuck while his ex was grinding on him, he let it continue because he wanted the "normalness" and also Chuck was right there seeing this happen and Jesse knew it. So...yeah, I was conflicted about that. But we know Chuck never slept with her, which was a relief. Still hate when things like that happen in romance booksSo overall, I really enjoyed this, especially the second half. I saw other reviews stating how the first half wasn't the most fun to read, and I agree. But also we have to read the first half to get that second half. We have to earn that happiness just like Jesse does. We have to see him reach rock bottom in order to see him reach true happiness. We had to see just how bad things were and how bad they got to see Jesse finally pull his head of out his ass and get his life together so he could be happy, whether or not Chuck was in his life (although Chuck is a definite bonus ;) )
So overall, I really enjoyed this and I hope to get more stories from this author in the future, I feel she is so underrated. And while this wasn't perfect for me, overall it was really good and deserving of a read (and yes, just stick with it through the first half to get to the awesome second half.)
Two thumbs up from me!