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colleen_parks 's review for:
The White Queen
by Philippa Gregory
I can’t. I can’t finish this. I got through 65%, and now I can’t believe I put myself through that much. Watching paint dry would have been a better way to have spent my time. I’d probably be less resentful. Since I can't get that time back I’m going for a bit of revenge and am going to make fun of it.
It’s the writing. Holy shit. She relies on history for the plot so that’s mostly OK. And her sentences are grammatically correct. But it's so bad, and so full of bad writing clichés, that at about 15 pages in I thought it had to be a parody. The first part of the book is a straight up romance novel, but apparently it’s for the family values crowd because there isn’t any sex. I can't quote all the passages that made me roll my eyes and/or laugh, but here are a few choice ones:
"His kiss is as gentle as the brush of a feather on my soft mouth."
“I have a longing for you, Lady Elizabeth Grey, that I have never felt for any woman before. Will you come to me? I ask it not as a king, and not even as a soldier who might die in battle, but as a simple man to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Come to me, I beg you, come to me. It could be my last wish. Will you come to me tonight?”
I shake my head. “Forgive me, your Grace, but I am a woman of honor.”
“I may never ask you again. God knows, I may never ask any woman again. There can be no dishonor in this. I could die next week."
…As slowly as I can, I let my eyes rise to his face. My gaze lingers on his mouth, then I look up.
“Dear god, I have to have you,” he breathes.
“I can’t think of anything but you. I can’t go on another moment like this; I can’t ride out into battle like this. I am as foolish as a boy. I am mad for you, like a boy. I cannot be without you; I will not be without you. Whatever it costs me.”
“Your Grace…” I start, and then I correct myself. “My lord. Husband.”
“Wife,” he says with a quiet satisfaction. “To bed."
"… his body is perfect. I look him over with satisfaction, like a horse dealer looks at a beautiful stallion."
OK, drum roll for this one:
“Anthony—you know you are a wise man, a philosopher, and death and life are alike to you?”
Anthony grimaces. “I have only a little learning, but I am very attached to my life, Sire. I have not yet risen to detachment.”
“Me too,” Edward says fervently. “And I am much attached to my cock, brother. Make sure your sister can put another prince in the cradle,” he says baldly. “Save my balls for her, Anthony!"
Sooo… yeah. The couple gets together, they have a gaggle of kids, take power of England, and power struggles and battles for the throne ensue. Oh, and Lady Elizabeth has “the Sight” and some mysterious abilities, owing to the fact that she is a descendant of Melusina, a mermaid-ish goddess. The writing doesn’t get any better after the romance part (see the “save my balls” quote), but it does stop being so funny. You could watch a production of Richard III and get an idea of what happened here. Or read Wikipedia. It’s better written.
It’s the writing. Holy shit. She relies on history for the plot so that’s mostly OK. And her sentences are grammatically correct. But it's so bad, and so full of bad writing clichés, that at about 15 pages in I thought it had to be a parody. The first part of the book is a straight up romance novel, but apparently it’s for the family values crowd because there isn’t any sex. I can't quote all the passages that made me roll my eyes and/or laugh, but here are a few choice ones:
"His kiss is as gentle as the brush of a feather on my soft mouth."
“I have a longing for you, Lady Elizabeth Grey, that I have never felt for any woman before. Will you come to me? I ask it not as a king, and not even as a soldier who might die in battle, but as a simple man to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Come to me, I beg you, come to me. It could be my last wish. Will you come to me tonight?”
I shake my head. “Forgive me, your Grace, but I am a woman of honor.”
“I may never ask you again. God knows, I may never ask any woman again. There can be no dishonor in this. I could die next week."
…As slowly as I can, I let my eyes rise to his face. My gaze lingers on his mouth, then I look up.
“Dear god, I have to have you,” he breathes.
“I can’t think of anything but you. I can’t go on another moment like this; I can’t ride out into battle like this. I am as foolish as a boy. I am mad for you, like a boy. I cannot be without you; I will not be without you. Whatever it costs me.”
“Your Grace…” I start, and then I correct myself. “My lord. Husband.”
“Wife,” he says with a quiet satisfaction. “To bed."
"… his body is perfect. I look him over with satisfaction, like a horse dealer looks at a beautiful stallion."
OK, drum roll for this one:
“Anthony—you know you are a wise man, a philosopher, and death and life are alike to you?”
Anthony grimaces. “I have only a little learning, but I am very attached to my life, Sire. I have not yet risen to detachment.”
“Me too,” Edward says fervently. “And I am much attached to my cock, brother. Make sure your sister can put another prince in the cradle,” he says baldly. “Save my balls for her, Anthony!"
Sooo… yeah. The couple gets together, they have a gaggle of kids, take power of England, and power struggles and battles for the throne ensue. Oh, and Lady Elizabeth has “the Sight” and some mysterious abilities, owing to the fact that she is a descendant of Melusina, a mermaid-ish goddess. The writing doesn’t get any better after the romance part (see the “save my balls” quote), but it does stop being so funny. You could watch a production of Richard III and get an idea of what happened here. Or read Wikipedia. It’s better written.