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A review by maedo
Avalanche: A Love Story by Julia Leigh
4.0
Earlier this year, during an ultrasound ordered to determine the reason for some pelvic pain, I was informed that I have a birth defect that drastically reduces the chances of being able to carry a pregnancy to term. There are different grades of the defect, some bettering the chances. But analysis of the scans showed that my defect is the worst case scenario in its extremity. A doctor was even brought into the room by the tech to confirm this, in a moment so surreal that it struck me at the time as mordantly funny.
I've thought, for a long time and for many reasons, that I don't want to have children, but the news hit me surprisingly hard. I wanted to be the one to make that choice. I wanted to allow for the possibility of meeting a wonderful man who I'd feel moved to raise a child with. It is hard to be told that something that happens so naturally for millions of women may just...not happen for you.
Julia Leigh's story is a bit different from mine, in the sense that there is no discernible cause of her infertility except her age. She's 38 when she first considers conceiving with her then-boyfriend, soon to be husband, a man she portrays as charming but who reads in this book like a big time emotional manipulator (though it's unclear what role she plays in that dynamic, if any; it could have just been a bad match). Their relationship falls apart and she begins considering IVF on her own as a single mother. But she has a hard time securing a donor and time passes.
The majority of the book, after a long opening focused on her on and off relationship, is a telling of the attempts to cultivate, fertilize, freeze and implant her eggs until the age of 44. She tries six times to do this, usually with only one or two viable eggs, and is always disappointed with the results. The financial expense is enormous. She finds out during the last attempt that of women her age doing this form of IVF, only 2.2 percent wind up with live births.
It is impossible to read this without your heart breaking for Leigh a little bit. I know adoption is an option (it's not for her, though), but she conveys very well the feeling of complete deflation that comes over time when you realize that the thing you want most will not happen in this life. She lets go of hope of a successful implantation and stops trying because it is the healthiest thing for her. But one gets the sense that she is still working through her feelings by the writing of this book.
I picked up this book because I thought that it might help to read about someone who also had to accept stacked odds and the fact that she may not have a choice in the matter when it comes to having a child. And it did help, although I wished for a bit more about how she came to terms with her future, more about the hope that comes after the loss of the dream.
I've thought, for a long time and for many reasons, that I don't want to have children, but the news hit me surprisingly hard. I wanted to be the one to make that choice. I wanted to allow for the possibility of meeting a wonderful man who I'd feel moved to raise a child with. It is hard to be told that something that happens so naturally for millions of women may just...not happen for you.
Julia Leigh's story is a bit different from mine, in the sense that there is no discernible cause of her infertility except her age. She's 38 when she first considers conceiving with her then-boyfriend, soon to be husband, a man she portrays as charming but who reads in this book like a big time emotional manipulator (though it's unclear what role she plays in that dynamic, if any; it could have just been a bad match). Their relationship falls apart and she begins considering IVF on her own as a single mother. But she has a hard time securing a donor and time passes.
The majority of the book, after a long opening focused on her on and off relationship, is a telling of the attempts to cultivate, fertilize, freeze and implant her eggs until the age of 44. She tries six times to do this, usually with only one or two viable eggs, and is always disappointed with the results. The financial expense is enormous. She finds out during the last attempt that of women her age doing this form of IVF, only 2.2 percent wind up with live births.
It is impossible to read this without your heart breaking for Leigh a little bit. I know adoption is an option (it's not for her, though), but she conveys very well the feeling of complete deflation that comes over time when you realize that the thing you want most will not happen in this life. She lets go of hope of a successful implantation and stops trying because it is the healthiest thing for her. But one gets the sense that she is still working through her feelings by the writing of this book.
I picked up this book because I thought that it might help to read about someone who also had to accept stacked odds and the fact that she may not have a choice in the matter when it comes to having a child. And it did help, although I wished for a bit more about how she came to terms with her future, more about the hope that comes after the loss of the dream.