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A review by kaylana
The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman
5.0
I am one of those who hates positive thinking. This was the perfect book for me. Burkeman takes on 8 ideas of looking into the negative side of things that can ultimately bring us happiness (I quote it extensively because he says it better than I can):
1. Don't try too hard to be happy.
"...enjoy uncertainty, embrace[] insecurity, stop[] trying to think positively, become[] familiar with failure, even learn[] to value death."
2. Worst-case scenarios.
"...regularly reminding yourself that you might lose any of the things you currently enjoy - indeed, that you will definitely lose them all, in the end, when death catches up with you...Thinking about the possibility of losing something you value shifts it from the backdrop of your life back to centre stage."
Spending some time thinking about how bad it could be helps us see that it hardly ever is as bad as we originally thought.
3. Seeking non-attachment and just experiencing whatever happens--the calm before the storm.
"Rather than merely enjoying pleasurable things during the moments in which they occur, and experiencing the unpleasantness of painful things, we develop the habits of clinging and aversion: we grasp at what we like, trying to hold on to it forever, and push away what we don't like, trying to avoid it at all costs."
"Meditation...was a way to stop running. You sat still, and watched your thoughts and emotions and desires and aversions come and go, and you resisted the urge to try to flee from them, to fix them, or to cling to them."
4. Don't be too goal crazy.
You can be lured into destruction by focusing too much on that end goal. Don't let goals become who you are, a part of your identity.
"Uncertainty prompts us to idealise the future." The future always looks better than the present.
"Start with your means. Don't wait for the perfect opportunity. Start taking action, based on what you have readily available: what you are, what you know and who you know."
5. Get rid of our ego, our sense of self.
"Rate your individual acts as good or bad...Seek to perform as many good ones, and as few bad ones, as possible. But leave yourself out of it."
"...helping other people is a far more reliable strategy for happiness than focusing solely on yourself."
6. Insecurity is our happy place.
"...real happiness might be dependent on being willing to face, and to tolerate, insecurity and vulnerability."
Rely on our friends and family, our social relationships.
"Above all, living in a situation of such inherent insecurity, while very far from preferable, was clarifying. Nobody would envy it. But living with fewer illusions meant facing reality head on." Realize change is constant and to embrace it.
"[Life] is a dance, and when you are dancing, you are not intent on getting somewhere. The meaning and purpose of dancing is the dance."
7. Failure is always an option.
"Evolution itself is driven by failure; we think of it as a matter of survival and adaptation, but it makes equal sense to think of it as a matter of not surviving and not adapting."
Look at why we are failing, what went wrong and why.
"The vulnerability revealed by failure can nurture empathy and communality."
"...we too often make our goals into parts of our identities, so that failure becomes an attack on who we are...and elevate it into one we feel we must attain, so that failing at it becomes not just sad but catastrophic."
8. Death
"Death is nothing to us...since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not."
"...imagine you are eighty years old...and then complete the sentences 'I wish I'd spent more time one...' and 'I wish I'd spent less time on...'This turns out to be a surprisingly effective way to achieve mortality awareness in short order."
All fascinating ideas. I thoroughly enjoyed Burkeman's style and wit and willingness to search far and wide.
1. Don't try too hard to be happy.
"...enjoy uncertainty, embrace[] insecurity, stop[] trying to think positively, become[] familiar with failure, even learn[] to value death."
2. Worst-case scenarios.
"...regularly reminding yourself that you might lose any of the things you currently enjoy - indeed, that you will definitely lose them all, in the end, when death catches up with you...Thinking about the possibility of losing something you value shifts it from the backdrop of your life back to centre stage."
Spending some time thinking about how bad it could be helps us see that it hardly ever is as bad as we originally thought.
3. Seeking non-attachment and just experiencing whatever happens--the calm before the storm.
"Rather than merely enjoying pleasurable things during the moments in which they occur, and experiencing the unpleasantness of painful things, we develop the habits of clinging and aversion: we grasp at what we like, trying to hold on to it forever, and push away what we don't like, trying to avoid it at all costs."
"Meditation...was a way to stop running. You sat still, and watched your thoughts and emotions and desires and aversions come and go, and you resisted the urge to try to flee from them, to fix them, or to cling to them."
4. Don't be too goal crazy.
You can be lured into destruction by focusing too much on that end goal. Don't let goals become who you are, a part of your identity.
"Uncertainty prompts us to idealise the future." The future always looks better than the present.
"Start with your means. Don't wait for the perfect opportunity. Start taking action, based on what you have readily available: what you are, what you know and who you know."
5. Get rid of our ego, our sense of self.
"Rate your individual acts as good or bad...Seek to perform as many good ones, and as few bad ones, as possible. But leave yourself out of it."
"...helping other people is a far more reliable strategy for happiness than focusing solely on yourself."
6. Insecurity is our happy place.
"...real happiness might be dependent on being willing to face, and to tolerate, insecurity and vulnerability."
Rely on our friends and family, our social relationships.
"Above all, living in a situation of such inherent insecurity, while very far from preferable, was clarifying. Nobody would envy it. But living with fewer illusions meant facing reality head on." Realize change is constant and to embrace it.
"[Life] is a dance, and when you are dancing, you are not intent on getting somewhere. The meaning and purpose of dancing is the dance."
7. Failure is always an option.
"Evolution itself is driven by failure; we think of it as a matter of survival and adaptation, but it makes equal sense to think of it as a matter of not surviving and not adapting."
Look at why we are failing, what went wrong and why.
"The vulnerability revealed by failure can nurture empathy and communality."
"...we too often make our goals into parts of our identities, so that failure becomes an attack on who we are...and elevate it into one we feel we must attain, so that failing at it becomes not just sad but catastrophic."
8. Death
"Death is nothing to us...since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not."
"...imagine you are eighty years old...and then complete the sentences 'I wish I'd spent more time one...' and 'I wish I'd spent less time on...'This turns out to be a surprisingly effective way to achieve mortality awareness in short order."
All fascinating ideas. I thoroughly enjoyed Burkeman's style and wit and willingness to search far and wide.