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A review by ranwans
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
5.0
“He gives it only a soft-mouthed bite, but I would probably let him tear me apart. I’d let him do anything.”
“I still feel torn in two when he pushes inside, will probably always feel this way, but I want it. I have to.”
Tipping my head back, I say, “He was so in love with me, he used to sit in my chair after I left the classroom. He’d put his face down on the table and try to breathe me in.” It’s a detail I’ve trotted out before, always meant as evidence of his uncontrollable love for me, but saying it now, I hear it as she does, as anyone would— deluded and deranged.
“Vanessa,” she says gently, “you didn’t ask for that. You were just trying to go to school.”
This book destroyed me. Being able to rewrite such a dark tale such as Lolita, though through the victim’s eyes, is a difficult thing to do without having it seen as romanticization, yet alas, this book covered every aspect of grooming that others do not see.
The frustration, the disgust, the way your stomach coils at every scene, leaving you to want to skim past every sex scene the same way Vanessa dissociates whenever they are in bed together. You find yourself rooting for Vanessa, yet stir into anger at her longterm denial.
Though, that is exactly what makes the book so likable. The aftereffects of such an event, leaving you so broken and disillusioned of the world around you. The quote in the book, ”The excuses we make for them are outrageous, but they’re nothing compared with the ones we make for ourselves.” Sums it up perfectly. The struggle of depersonalization through out the book is so perfectly represented, it’s sprinkled in to make it so natural, because to Vanessa, it IS.
The sad undeniable truth that through seven ongoing years and more, the shadow of Stane would forever tear her apart and follow her wherever she goes. She wants it to be a romance, the only thing she held onto for so long. Her first love, her first everything, all of those years and what for? She held on not because she wanted to, because she had to.
Being able to put into words how amazing the portrayal is would be scarcely possible if you have not went through the same thing. The attachment, the derealization, the struggle of holding on because of necessity. Many times throughout the book she could have said no, but even when she did her cries would go uncalled; it becomes a routine of giving until she is addicted to giving until she is nothing more. The desire to give all of her to him, not for her own pleasure, but for him, because to her that was her only means of living. It was all she knew.
At first, I was disappointed and shocked with the abruptness of the ending, how the momentum of it had screeched to a stop to no avail of explanation. But that’s the thing, there doesn’t need to be one. It’s the sad reality of a SA victim and that makes the agonizing realism so intriguing. Five stars.
“I still feel torn in two when he pushes inside, will probably always feel this way, but I want it. I have to.”
Tipping my head back, I say, “He was so in love with me, he used to sit in my chair after I left the classroom. He’d put his face down on the table and try to breathe me in.” It’s a detail I’ve trotted out before, always meant as evidence of his uncontrollable love for me, but saying it now, I hear it as she does, as anyone would— deluded and deranged.
“Vanessa,” she says gently, “you didn’t ask for that. You were just trying to go to school.”
This book destroyed me. Being able to rewrite such a dark tale such as Lolita, though through the victim’s eyes, is a difficult thing to do without having it seen as romanticization, yet alas, this book covered every aspect of grooming that others do not see.
The frustration, the disgust, the way your stomach coils at every scene, leaving you to want to skim past every sex scene the same way Vanessa dissociates whenever they are in bed together. You find yourself rooting for Vanessa, yet stir into anger at her longterm denial.
Though, that is exactly what makes the book so likable. The aftereffects of such an event, leaving you so broken and disillusioned of the world around you. The quote in the book, ”The excuses we make for them are outrageous, but they’re nothing compared with the ones we make for ourselves.” Sums it up perfectly. The struggle of depersonalization through out the book is so perfectly represented, it’s sprinkled in to make it so natural, because to Vanessa, it IS.
The sad undeniable truth that through seven ongoing years and more, the shadow of Stane would forever tear her apart and follow her wherever she goes. She wants it to be a romance, the only thing she held onto for so long. Her first love, her first everything, all of those years and what for? She held on not because she wanted to, because she had to.
Being able to put into words how amazing the portrayal is would be scarcely possible if you have not went through the same thing. The attachment, the derealization, the struggle of holding on because of necessity. Many times throughout the book she could have said no, but even when she did her cries would go uncalled; it becomes a routine of giving until she is addicted to giving until she is nothing more. The desire to give all of her to him, not for her own pleasure, but for him, because to her that was her only means of living. It was all she knew.
At first, I was disappointed and shocked with the abruptness of the ending, how the momentum of it had screeched to a stop to no avail of explanation. But that’s the thing, there doesn’t need to be one. It’s the sad reality of a SA victim and that makes the agonizing realism so intriguing. Five stars.