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A review by votesforwomen
Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas
1.0
MASSIVELY SPOILERY so I recommend only reading if you don't care or you've read the book.
From the author of ACOTAR and ToG comes the third book in a high fantasy series, which, very creatively, is called Throne of Glass even though the Throne of Glass itself has shown up once and is really completely irrelevant to the entire series.
Take a journey with Celery, whose name is actually Aardvark the Gastrovascular or something like that, to her evil aunt's fortress, a place made entirely of stone with a super interesting villain--oh, wait. We're going to spend exactly two minutes here, in the most interesting place we've encountered so far in this series, before leaving for...
THE FORTRESS OF THE DEMI-FAE.
*yawning, falling asleep*
The main draw of this journey is not Celery herself. No, it's the Hawt Immortal Fae male, Rowan, who's sent to accompany her. We've already watched Celery kiss Prince Dorian and have a forbidden love relationship that died really fast. We've also watched Celery have an Incredibly Serious Relationship with Chaol, the dude's best friend. BUT that's okay, because she's far away from them now, and she broke up with both of them, so it's time for LOVE INTEREST NUMBER THREE!
Rowan is a two-thousand-year-old widower Fae who's into:
-Adultery (footage of Rowan's worst soul fear being hearing his dead wife's voice again even as he falLs In LoVe with Celery)
-Pedophilia (footage of Celery moaning about how "he'll never see me as more than a child!" and him complaining about babysitting)
-Bestiality (footage of Celery explaining that her spending time in her "human" form means, basically, that this is her animal form, while Rowan's is a bird)
-Being a vampire (footage of Rowan biting Celery's neck)
-Being possessive of a girl who has expressed no interest in liking him (footage of Rowan going OMG WHO HURT YOU at Celery's back scars, even though he didn't care about her before that point, because NO ONE CAN HURT HER. EXCEPT ME. I CAN BITE HER.)
-Wild, WILD mood swings
But that's okay! Because he's a brutish hulk who has MUSCLES and WHITE HAIR and, best of all... FULL BACK TATTOOS TO COMMEMORATE HIS MISTAKES.
Look, y'all, I'm pretty sure Sarah J. Maas initially set out to write this book about vampires, only to be told that she had to make it about Fae instead because vampires weren't trendy anymore. Just take a look at Rowan's razor-sharp, pointy canines, the neck biting, the immortality, and the massive age gap romance. I mean, seriously. What else could this be?
Also, there's a random witch in this story who has no reason to exist and nothing interesting to add to the plot, but that's okay because she has metal teeth and a wyvern and...I don't know anything else about her. I skimmed all her chapters and I'm not ashamed of that. Oh well.
Let's take a minute of silence for the one good plotline in this story: Dorian finally finding true love! Meet Sorscha, a healer girl who's been in love with Prince Dorian from afar for years and now, finally, gets a chance to shoot her shot. This is possibly the purest romance SJM has ever written. *footage of them kissing cheeks, working together on figuring out solutions for Dorian's magic, hugging, being sweet* Awwww, they're ador--oh, wait, SJM decided she doesn't know how to do romance that isn't dysfunctional, so let's just SLICE THE GIRL'S HEAD OFF and decide in the last chapter that she's a SPY. Never mind. No more good romance for us.
Also, Chaol does stuff. Also there's this guy named Aedion whose entire identity is, apparently, BEING A COUSIN. *loud, crazy gasp*
As always, this series wildly swings between boring sequences where nothing happens and THE MOST EXTREME VIOLENCE YOU'VE EVER READ IN YOUR LIFE. It's wild. It's insane. I have nothing else to say about it, except you better hold on to your stomach when you read this. Otherwise, you might lose it. The stomach and your mind alike.
SO ANYWAY. Yuck.
And as a note: Celery's mind swings so wildly and so rapidly it gives me whiplash. Just a couple examples:
-Celery: Oh I love being a scullery maid! It's so nice--everyone treats me like they have no idea who I am!
Also Celery: I HaVE TO wORK????!?!?!!?! O_O :'(
-Celery: NO MORE INNOCENTS WILL DIE. I will see to that. My people are going to be safe.
Also Celery: Hey, evil aunt! Let Tattoo Boy come with me or I'LL BURN YOUR WHOLE CITY AND ALL ITS PEOPLE TO THE GROUND
This girl will NEVER be a good queen, okay. Fancy visions don't make a ruler, sorry.
STARRING:
-Celery the Aardvark
-OH NO SHE'S BURNING OUT
-Edward Cullen, but Worse
-Daenerys
-Santa's Elves
-Scullery maid life
-LOOK MA I'M A BIRD
-I'm having a VIIIISSSSIIIOOOOOOONNNNNN
-They're gonna EAT your SOUL
-Humans are FRIENDS not FOOD
-we are mates and we have a cOnNeCtIoN
1 star, ugh, and I am DONE with this series no matter what you kids say. Bye. xD
From the author of ACOTAR and ToG comes the third book in a high fantasy series, which, very creatively, is called Throne of Glass even though the Throne of Glass itself has shown up once and is really completely irrelevant to the entire series.
Take a journey with Celery, whose name is actually Aardvark the Gastrovascular or something like that, to her evil aunt's fortress, a place made entirely of stone with a super interesting villain--oh, wait. We're going to spend exactly two minutes here, in the most interesting place we've encountered so far in this series, before leaving for...
THE FORTRESS OF THE DEMI-FAE.
*yawning, falling asleep*
The main draw of this journey is not Celery herself. No, it's the Hawt Immortal Fae male, Rowan, who's sent to accompany her. We've already watched Celery kiss Prince Dorian and have a forbidden love relationship that died really fast. We've also watched Celery have an Incredibly Serious Relationship with Chaol, the dude's best friend. BUT that's okay, because she's far away from them now, and she broke up with both of them, so it's time for LOVE INTEREST NUMBER THREE!
Rowan is a two-thousand-year-old widower Fae who's into:
-Adultery (footage of Rowan's worst soul fear being hearing his dead wife's voice again even as he falLs In LoVe with Celery)
-Pedophilia (footage of Celery moaning about how "he'll never see me as more than a child!" and him complaining about babysitting)
-Bestiality (footage of Celery explaining that her spending time in her "human" form means, basically, that this is her animal form, while Rowan's is a bird)
-Being a vampire (footage of Rowan biting Celery's neck)
-Being possessive of a girl who has expressed no interest in liking him (footage of Rowan going OMG WHO HURT YOU at Celery's back scars, even though he didn't care about her before that point, because NO ONE CAN HURT HER. EXCEPT ME. I CAN BITE HER.)
-Wild, WILD mood swings
But that's okay! Because he's a brutish hulk who has MUSCLES and WHITE HAIR and, best of all... FULL BACK TATTOOS TO COMMEMORATE HIS MISTAKES.
Look, y'all, I'm pretty sure Sarah J. Maas initially set out to write this book about vampires, only to be told that she had to make it about Fae instead because vampires weren't trendy anymore. Just take a look at Rowan's razor-sharp, pointy canines, the neck biting, the immortality, and the massive age gap romance. I mean, seriously. What else could this be?
Also, there's a random witch in this story who has no reason to exist and nothing interesting to add to the plot, but that's okay because she has metal teeth and a wyvern and...I don't know anything else about her. I skimmed all her chapters and I'm not ashamed of that. Oh well.
Let's take a minute of silence for the one good plotline in this story: Dorian finally finding true love! Meet Sorscha, a healer girl who's been in love with Prince Dorian from afar for years and now, finally, gets a chance to shoot her shot. This is possibly the purest romance SJM has ever written. *footage of them kissing cheeks, working together on figuring out solutions for Dorian's magic, hugging, being sweet* Awwww, they're ador--oh, wait, SJM decided she doesn't know how to do romance that isn't dysfunctional, so let's just SLICE THE GIRL'S HEAD OFF and decide in the last chapter that she's a SPY. Never mind. No more good romance for us.
Also, Chaol does stuff. Also there's this guy named Aedion whose entire identity is, apparently, BEING A COUSIN. *loud, crazy gasp*
As always, this series wildly swings between boring sequences where nothing happens and THE MOST EXTREME VIOLENCE YOU'VE EVER READ IN YOUR LIFE. It's wild. It's insane. I have nothing else to say about it, except you better hold on to your stomach when you read this. Otherwise, you might lose it. The stomach and your mind alike.
SO ANYWAY. Yuck.
And as a note: Celery's mind swings so wildly and so rapidly it gives me whiplash. Just a couple examples:
-Celery: Oh I love being a scullery maid! It's so nice--everyone treats me like they have no idea who I am!
Also Celery: I HaVE TO wORK????!?!?!!?! O_O :'(
-Celery: NO MORE INNOCENTS WILL DIE. I will see to that. My people are going to be safe.
Also Celery: Hey, evil aunt! Let Tattoo Boy come with me or I'LL BURN YOUR WHOLE CITY AND ALL ITS PEOPLE TO THE GROUND
This girl will NEVER be a good queen, okay. Fancy visions don't make a ruler, sorry.
STARRING:
-Celery the Aardvark
-OH NO SHE'S BURNING OUT
-Edward Cullen, but Worse
-Daenerys
-Santa's Elves
-Scullery maid life
-LOOK MA I'M A BIRD
-I'm having a VIIIISSSSIIIOOOOOOONNNNNN
-They're gonna EAT your SOUL
-Humans are FRIENDS not FOOD
-we are mates and we have a cOnNeCtIoN
1 star, ugh, and I am DONE with this series no matter what you kids say. Bye. xD