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A review by gschwabauer
The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by William Stixrud, Ned Johnson
challenging
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
4.0
This book gets four stars not because I agreed with everything in it, but because I still think that 95% of parents and guardians and teachers could really, really benefit from this perspective. Treating kids like autonomous human beings who deserve to make the choices that determine their own lives? Yes please. I particularly liked the authors' willingness to push back against typical parenting beliefs like "well, yes, you can allow really responsible kids (who always make the choices I'd make anyway) to have autonomy, but my kid would ruin their own life if given freedoms!" I believed the authors were really committed to treating children and teens with respect, and they encouraged parents to allow REAL autonomy, not some carefully manufactured facade of choice between two equally boring options.
Also a big fan of the chapters about healthful rest, and their pushback against increasing academic time and homework load. I expected to be applauding the chapters about childhood autonomy, but I didn't expect to be cringing in recognition during a solid third of the book, remembering my own high school education: the 3-5 hours of daily homework I completed to meet our school's standard of "excellence," the straight As and 4.0 I maintained through all of high school and college despite the extreme pressure on my mental health, the chronic exhaustion I faced sleeping only a few hours per night, and the mysterious and crippling health problems I instantaneously developed the summer after graduation. Oof. As a former "gifted kid" with "great potential" I absolutely agree: this obsessive focus on academic performance, career readiness, and college appeal is destroying young people. Love to see it called out!
Could have been five stars, but I took issue with a couple of things:
- They occasionally mention that there are certain "types" of kids who can't handle these freedoms. Sometimes they include developmental disabilities on this list. They later push for children of any or no diagnosis to have as much freedom as possible, but there were several points where I could see parents going "oh, see, there's an out--this doesn't apply to my kid! He's the defiant, difficult kid who won't listen that they're talking about!" At one point the authors also offhandedly mention that you can "suggest" traditional punitive measures to manipulate your kid into choosing to talk things through with you instead, which . . . did not mesh with the rest of their values?
- Autism comes up repeatedly and they don't use the kind of language that many autistic people prefer. They talk about "high-functioning" autistic kids, they refer to "the spectrum," and they reinforce some blanket stereotypes of autistic people that aren't accurate for many. They also state confidently that ABA therapy is the best method of learning for autistic kids, which many, many autistic adults thoroughly denounce. It felt like they wanted to advocate for autonomy for kids of all neurotypes, but also wanted to reassure parents that they didn't have to abandon traditional methods of "managing" the "behaviors" of their neurodivergent kids at the same time. Made me feel weird.
- As other reviewers have noted, I wish they'd delved into the concept of privilege. Their space was limited, I guess, but acknowledging that race, gender, and especially socioeconomic status are huge factors in things like school choice, extracurricular availability, college prep, etc. would have gone a loooooong way. It's great to advise parents not to pay $100,000 for their kids education if the kid isn't ready yet (and to destigmatize gap years and trade programs), but if you don't also acknowledge that many parents don't have anywhere NEAR the means to bankroll four years of partying at a "top college," it starts to feel a bit tone-deaf. Don't get me wrong, I think any parent or teacher could benefit from these underlying principles, but they could have been a lot more specific.
I know I mentioned a lot of negatives. I've gone back and forth, but I'm sticking with four stars, because I think parents coming to this openly and in good faith will be able to benefit a lot from the advice. Parents looking for excuses to deny their child's rights may unfortunately find a few in the poor word choice here, but ultimately they were already bringing that mindset to the book. I'd love to see an updated edition post-feedback from autistic adults.
Also a big fan of the chapters about healthful rest, and their pushback against increasing academic time and homework load. I expected to be applauding the chapters about childhood autonomy, but I didn't expect to be cringing in recognition during a solid third of the book, remembering my own high school education: the 3-5 hours of daily homework I completed to meet our school's standard of "excellence," the straight As and 4.0 I maintained through all of high school and college despite the extreme pressure on my mental health, the chronic exhaustion I faced sleeping only a few hours per night, and the mysterious and crippling health problems I instantaneously developed the summer after graduation. Oof. As a former "gifted kid" with "great potential" I absolutely agree: this obsessive focus on academic performance, career readiness, and college appeal is destroying young people. Love to see it called out!
Could have been five stars, but I took issue with a couple of things:
- They occasionally mention that there are certain "types" of kids who can't handle these freedoms. Sometimes they include developmental disabilities on this list. They later push for children of any or no diagnosis to have as much freedom as possible, but there were several points where I could see parents going "oh, see, there's an out--this doesn't apply to my kid! He's the defiant, difficult kid who won't listen that they're talking about!" At one point the authors also offhandedly mention that you can "suggest" traditional punitive measures to manipulate your kid into choosing to talk things through with you instead, which . . . did not mesh with the rest of their values?
- Autism comes up repeatedly and they don't use the kind of language that many autistic people prefer. They talk about "high-functioning" autistic kids, they refer to "the spectrum," and they reinforce some blanket stereotypes of autistic people that aren't accurate for many. They also state confidently that ABA therapy is the best method of learning for autistic kids, which many, many autistic adults thoroughly denounce. It felt like they wanted to advocate for autonomy for kids of all neurotypes, but also wanted to reassure parents that they didn't have to abandon traditional methods of "managing" the "behaviors" of their neurodivergent kids at the same time. Made me feel weird.
- As other reviewers have noted, I wish they'd delved into the concept of privilege. Their space was limited, I guess, but acknowledging that race, gender, and especially socioeconomic status are huge factors in things like school choice, extracurricular availability, college prep, etc. would have gone a loooooong way. It's great to advise parents not to pay $100,000 for their kids education if the kid isn't ready yet (and to destigmatize gap years and trade programs), but if you don't also acknowledge that many parents don't have anywhere NEAR the means to bankroll four years of partying at a "top college," it starts to feel a bit tone-deaf. Don't get me wrong, I think any parent or teacher could benefit from these underlying principles, but they could have been a lot more specific.
I know I mentioned a lot of negatives. I've gone back and forth, but I'm sticking with four stars, because I think parents coming to this openly and in good faith will be able to benefit a lot from the advice. Parents looking for excuses to deny their child's rights may unfortunately find a few in the poor word choice here, but ultimately they were already bringing that mindset to the book. I'd love to see an updated edition post-feedback from autistic adults.