Take a photo of a barcode or cover
deeclancy 's review for:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
by George K. Simon Jr.
This is the kind of book I wish I'd read in my late teens/early twenties to avoid having to learn from experience that not everybody plays fair in the world. The book focuses mainly on covert manipulative types, whose intentions are often at odds with the persona they project.
As children, we used to refer to such people as two-faced. However, things can get a bit more complex in adulthood with covert manipulators, as their abuse tactics become more sophisticated and their social disguises more honed. What was obvious in the playground becomes encoded in layers of complicated masks in adulthood: they may develop many more than two faces to help navigate through the unethical waters they choose. And it is definitely a choice, once adulthood is reached. These individuals can often project the personae of pillars of society or fragile victims while scheming behind the backs of usually contented, cheerful, conscientious types, wreaking bewilderment and havoc. The damage they do is often highly targeted and deliberate.
I once had one of these individuals as a housemate. Wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt for a long time, I constantly made excuses internally for her seeming misery every time something even remotely positive happened in my life. Over time, I realised that she had been covertly gathering a little band of supporters to attribute all the resentment that she harbored onto me, in order to undermine me in the eyes of others (even as she extorted me financially). She also strategically chose her time to ultimately screw me over to just before a big trip I was taking, in an attempt to ensure my enjoyment of it would be limited (I still had a great time on the trip, after an initial wobble which I was helped through by a friend at the time). On the basis of this experience, I would definitely see my refusal to recognize the extent of the problem until I was royally screwed as a weakness, particularly as a friend of mine who visited the house had basically told me I was living in a den of vipers: 'Ethically and spiritually, you're outnumbered there.' Interestingly, this person remains a friend I stay in touch wtih decades later, while several others from that time in my life have fallen by the wayside.
In that moment, I realised the momentary look of rage on this individual's face when I had related a few weeks previously that I had booked this trip was a genuine observation; I had attributed it to my ridiculous imaginings initially. What normal person would be enraged that a friend was making an exciting trip?, I told myself; don't be ludicrous. Similarly, with the cheating, thieving, constantly gaslighting college boyfriend. Like many, I had to learn the hard way, a few times, that these people are more common than most decent people would like to think, that the gut instinct that you've noticed a momentary micro-expression of resentment or rage is often correct, and that you really ought to get to know someone over a significant period of time before granting them that sacred trust that is a part of any decent friendship or relationship.
These are the people who want to win at all costs, and the ends always justify the means in their minds. Fair competition is usually an unknown concept to them, and they are happy to cut major corners ethically to reach their goals. Riding on the back of others' achievements is their specialty, and teamwork is a non-starter, except occasionally for show. Many of us have encountered them in the workplace, as we are working innocuously with an individual, periodically wondering if we're being overly paranoid or sensitive when we experience that individual's subtle put-downs, only to discover much later that they've been undermining us systematically to colleagues or management for quite some time. If you're lucky, you have savvy colleagues/management who see what's going on, but this is not always the case.
Simon's description of these people's lies by distortion is spot on. They generally target conscientious, straightforward types who represent a threat to their plans. These plans may relate to career or other areas, but in one way or another, the attainment of power and status is somehow involved.
If you've been in the workforce for a while and haven't encountered one of these individuals, then you're terminally naive (a character flaw, in Simon's estimation) or you're actually the covert manipulator. They prey on those in situations of vulneratbility if they think it will be to their advantage: for example, have you ever had somebody try to 'leverage' your recent major bereavement for their own gain? I can testify to the fact that this happens. It has happened to me twice, but due to previous experiences, at least I was able to spot it fairly quickly.
Obviously, these individuals exist on a spectrum, and the examples given are fairly ordinary, which is a positive aspect of the book, because it means they will be recognizable to many. For many of us who grew up being taught to be conscientious and ethical, the assumption would be that these subtly ruthless types only exist outside our circle. The refusal to recognize and try to name situations where this is happening to us is identified as a personal failing by Simon. It's one that many of us have had or need to continuously work on, because strategic, calm self-advocacy is necessary in these scenarios to avoid becoming victimized.
Simon cites M. Scott Peck a few times in this book. This is interesting, as I would regard reading Peck's book People of the Lie as something of a milestone in my own understanding of these matters (despite what could be seen as a couple of flaws in the book). The mistake many empathetic people make around dealing with these dodgy situations is to try to analyze the reasons for the manipulators' behaviour, as if there is some valid reason for such aggression. It's not our job to pscyoanalyze the root causes by way of excuse. The urge to do this (guilty as charged, in naive youth) is a neurosis that those of us who strive to play fair need to check within ourselves in order to save our own lives and mental health.
Over-engagement with manipulators in an attempt to parse their rationale often amounts to a kind of bizarre endorsement of behaviour that is, ultimately, inexcusable. Additionally, it can be highly enabling for these individuals when those purporting to be close to their targets look for rationales for their behaviour. If you've ever confided in somebody close to you about such victimization, and your confidante has said something like, 'Oh, but I thought that person when very nice when I met them that one time!', then you know how much frustration and havoc these people can cause in relationships. It's hard to feel the same about a confidante who invalidates you so readily based on how a person appears to them once or twice, or to feel confident enough to trust them with your concerns again. Simon cites Peck's idea that it's possible to be too conscientious, and neurotically so, and this is a very useful concept for those who've been in patterns of this nature and want to prevent it in the future.
An extremely useful book about the need to mature and accept the realities of the world in which we live, and to accept that not everyone shares the same social values in terms of treatment of others and transparency of intent. It is probably more relevant than ever in an era in which narcissism and a sense of entitlement to success without putting in much work is an institutionalized part of life. It's possible to remain positive about the idea that many people are decent and still talk about these issues in our society.
As children, we used to refer to such people as two-faced. However, things can get a bit more complex in adulthood with covert manipulators, as their abuse tactics become more sophisticated and their social disguises more honed. What was obvious in the playground becomes encoded in layers of complicated masks in adulthood: they may develop many more than two faces to help navigate through the unethical waters they choose. And it is definitely a choice, once adulthood is reached. These individuals can often project the personae of pillars of society or fragile victims while scheming behind the backs of usually contented, cheerful, conscientious types, wreaking bewilderment and havoc. The damage they do is often highly targeted and deliberate.
I once had one of these individuals as a housemate. Wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt for a long time, I constantly made excuses internally for her seeming misery every time something even remotely positive happened in my life. Over time, I realised that she had been covertly gathering a little band of supporters to attribute all the resentment that she harbored onto me, in order to undermine me in the eyes of others (even as she extorted me financially). She also strategically chose her time to ultimately screw me over to just before a big trip I was taking, in an attempt to ensure my enjoyment of it would be limited (I still had a great time on the trip, after an initial wobble which I was helped through by a friend at the time). On the basis of this experience, I would definitely see my refusal to recognize the extent of the problem until I was royally screwed as a weakness, particularly as a friend of mine who visited the house had basically told me I was living in a den of vipers: 'Ethically and spiritually, you're outnumbered there.' Interestingly, this person remains a friend I stay in touch wtih decades later, while several others from that time in my life have fallen by the wayside.
In that moment, I realised the momentary look of rage on this individual's face when I had related a few weeks previously that I had booked this trip was a genuine observation; I had attributed it to my ridiculous imaginings initially. What normal person would be enraged that a friend was making an exciting trip?, I told myself; don't be ludicrous. Similarly, with the cheating, thieving, constantly gaslighting college boyfriend. Like many, I had to learn the hard way, a few times, that these people are more common than most decent people would like to think, that the gut instinct that you've noticed a momentary micro-expression of resentment or rage is often correct, and that you really ought to get to know someone over a significant period of time before granting them that sacred trust that is a part of any decent friendship or relationship.
These are the people who want to win at all costs, and the ends always justify the means in their minds. Fair competition is usually an unknown concept to them, and they are happy to cut major corners ethically to reach their goals. Riding on the back of others' achievements is their specialty, and teamwork is a non-starter, except occasionally for show. Many of us have encountered them in the workplace, as we are working innocuously with an individual, periodically wondering if we're being overly paranoid or sensitive when we experience that individual's subtle put-downs, only to discover much later that they've been undermining us systematically to colleagues or management for quite some time. If you're lucky, you have savvy colleagues/management who see what's going on, but this is not always the case.
Simon's description of these people's lies by distortion is spot on. They generally target conscientious, straightforward types who represent a threat to their plans. These plans may relate to career or other areas, but in one way or another, the attainment of power and status is somehow involved.
If you've been in the workforce for a while and haven't encountered one of these individuals, then you're terminally naive (a character flaw, in Simon's estimation) or you're actually the covert manipulator. They prey on those in situations of vulneratbility if they think it will be to their advantage: for example, have you ever had somebody try to 'leverage' your recent major bereavement for their own gain? I can testify to the fact that this happens. It has happened to me twice, but due to previous experiences, at least I was able to spot it fairly quickly.
Obviously, these individuals exist on a spectrum, and the examples given are fairly ordinary, which is a positive aspect of the book, because it means they will be recognizable to many. For many of us who grew up being taught to be conscientious and ethical, the assumption would be that these subtly ruthless types only exist outside our circle. The refusal to recognize and try to name situations where this is happening to us is identified as a personal failing by Simon. It's one that many of us have had or need to continuously work on, because strategic, calm self-advocacy is necessary in these scenarios to avoid becoming victimized.
Simon cites M. Scott Peck a few times in this book. This is interesting, as I would regard reading Peck's book People of the Lie as something of a milestone in my own understanding of these matters (despite what could be seen as a couple of flaws in the book). The mistake many empathetic people make around dealing with these dodgy situations is to try to analyze the reasons for the manipulators' behaviour, as if there is some valid reason for such aggression. It's not our job to pscyoanalyze the root causes by way of excuse. The urge to do this (guilty as charged, in naive youth) is a neurosis that those of us who strive to play fair need to check within ourselves in order to save our own lives and mental health.
Over-engagement with manipulators in an attempt to parse their rationale often amounts to a kind of bizarre endorsement of behaviour that is, ultimately, inexcusable. Additionally, it can be highly enabling for these individuals when those purporting to be close to their targets look for rationales for their behaviour. If you've ever confided in somebody close to you about such victimization, and your confidante has said something like, 'Oh, but I thought that person when very nice when I met them that one time!', then you know how much frustration and havoc these people can cause in relationships. It's hard to feel the same about a confidante who invalidates you so readily based on how a person appears to them once or twice, or to feel confident enough to trust them with your concerns again. Simon cites Peck's idea that it's possible to be too conscientious, and neurotically so, and this is a very useful concept for those who've been in patterns of this nature and want to prevent it in the future.
An extremely useful book about the need to mature and accept the realities of the world in which we live, and to accept that not everyone shares the same social values in terms of treatment of others and transparency of intent. It is probably more relevant than ever in an era in which narcissism and a sense of entitlement to success without putting in much work is an institutionalized part of life. It's possible to remain positive about the idea that many people are decent and still talk about these issues in our society.