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nancf 's review for:
You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
by Deborah Tannen
I have owned this book for a number of years; I may have tried it previously, but put it down without completing it. I picked it up about a week ago. While I found some of it relevant and interesting, it is hard for me to buy into such gender generalizations. And although Tannen used a lot of anecdotes and literary references, the book still read like a textbook to me. On the very last page of the book (aside from the voluminous Notes), Tannen says that "Understanding style differences for what they are takes the sting out of them." (298)
Other points that rang true for me are:
"We look to our closest relationships as a source of confirmation and reassurance." (73)
"One situation that frustrates many women is a conversation that has mysteriously turned into a lecture, with the man delivering the lecture to the woman, who has become an appreciative audience." (125)
"...interuption is a hostile act, a kind of conversational bullying....And being accused of interupting when you know you didn't intend to is as frustrating as being cut off before you've made your point." (189)
"...in a casual conversation among friends or family, it is acceptable to chime in when you think you know what others are getting at; if you're wrong, they are free to correct you, but if you're right, everyone prefers the show of connection and rapport that comes from being understood without having to spell everything out." (211)
"...when boys and girls talked together, they talked more or less the way boys talked when there were no girls present. But when girls got together with no boys present, they talked very differently." (237)
"Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we're in the same one, so we judge each other's behavior by the standards of our own." (254)
"...when women are with partners, they make more adjustments and accommodations, buying harmony at the cost of their own preferences. Therefore, being with partners is more of a strain on them than it is on men, who are less inclined to accommodate." (294)
Other points that rang true for me are:
"We look to our closest relationships as a source of confirmation and reassurance." (73)
"One situation that frustrates many women is a conversation that has mysteriously turned into a lecture, with the man delivering the lecture to the woman, who has become an appreciative audience." (125)
"...interuption is a hostile act, a kind of conversational bullying....And being accused of interupting when you know you didn't intend to is as frustrating as being cut off before you've made your point." (189)
"...in a casual conversation among friends or family, it is acceptable to chime in when you think you know what others are getting at; if you're wrong, they are free to correct you, but if you're right, everyone prefers the show of connection and rapport that comes from being understood without having to spell everything out." (211)
"...when boys and girls talked together, they talked more or less the way boys talked when there were no girls present. But when girls got together with no boys present, they talked very differently." (237)
"Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we're in the same one, so we judge each other's behavior by the standards of our own." (254)
"...when women are with partners, they make more adjustments and accommodations, buying harmony at the cost of their own preferences. Therefore, being with partners is more of a strain on them than it is on men, who are less inclined to accommodate." (294)