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imme_van_gorp 's review for:
My Dark Vanessa
by Kate Elizabeth Russell
A story about paedophilia, grooming and sexual abuse will always be shocking, no matter what book it is. But then, when you have a book as well-crafted as this one, it is not only shocking, but also absolutely gutting. Your stomach will drop and your throat inevitably dries.
“Pathetically in love with you.” As soon as he says this, I become someone somebody else is in love with, and not just some dumb boy my own age but a man who has already lived an entire life, who has done and seen so much and still thinks I’m worthy of his love. I feel forced over a threshold, thrust out of my ordinary life into a place where it’s possible for grown men to be so pathetically in love with me they fall at my feet.
You’ll feel it all with this book: frustration, anger, sympathy, helplessness, outrage, understanding, disgust, sadness. Sometimes I genuinely just wanted to scream.
He said me naked is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. It would be cruel for me to counter that with disgust. It doesn’t matter that my skin crawls from touching him. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. He did that to you, now you can do this to him. You can handle a few minutes of this.
[TW: Rape]
I start to tear up, but he doesn’t stop, just says I’m doing great as he keeps trying to get it in. He tells me to breathe in and out, and when I exhale, he thrusts hard and pushes a little farther inside. I start crying, really crying—still, he doesn’t stop.
I do feel like this book could have been a lot shorter and certain aspects could have been done differently.
I think mostly I wish I could have felt a little more attachment to some of the events in this book. Sometimes the story could have packed more of a punch than it did, and most of the book felt more psychological instead of emotional.
Why is everyone so scared to admit how good it can feel? To be groomed is to be loved and handled like a precious, delicate thing.
Something I found particularly interesting was Vanessa’s reluctance and inability to see herself as a victim and acknowledge that what happened to her was abuse. She was so complicated, so troubled and so manipulated. Her character was flawed, but terribly intriguing.
“He never forced me, ok? He made sure I said yes to everything, especially when I was younger. He was careful. He was good. He loved me.” I say that over and over, a refrain that turns meaningless so quickly. He loved me, he loved me.
The downwards spiral of Vanessa's life and psyche was absolutely devastating. The pain, the abuse, the confusion, the manipulation: it never ended for her.
“I can’t lose the thing I’ve held onto for so long. You know?” My face twists up from the pain of pushing it out. “I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that.”
“I know,” she says.
“Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it?” I look to her glassy eyes, her face of wide open empathy. “It’s my life,” I say. “This has been my whole life.”
It’s not a perfect book, just like Vanessa isn’t a perfect protagonist, but overall it’s good. It’s interesting, thought-provoking and a true tragedy.
“If someone doesn’t want to come forward and tell the world every bad thing that’s happened to her, then she’s what? Weak? Selfish?”