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A review by samanthanleroy
14 Ways to Die by Vincent Ralph
1.0
I am being gaslit by Goodreads.
Every review is so POSITIVE, so GLOWING. And it's like... did we read the same book? Where am I even supposed to start with how bad this book was? When I picked this up from the bookstore, I knew it wasn't going to be a five star read, but I thought it was at least going to be entertaining. The premise is ridiculous. We have to stop pretending like it was strong or promising. It's unrealistic and silly, but that's what drew me in initially.
I guess I'll start with the writing. It's..... not the worst in the world, but it for sure is not the best. Vincent Ralph seems fond of shoehorning philosophies and moral lessons on grief and how "everyone has their own battle" and whatever. Jessica's internal monologue was so annoying because she embodied those kids who think they "get" life. We are also constantly reminded that her mom is, in fact, dead. Which IS important to the plot, but Jessica kept telling us it as if it were new information.
And speaking of Jessica! I'm confused by all the reviews saying shes a "strong protagonist," that she "feels real," and she "has a real personality." From what I read, she's more the idea of a person. And so is everyone else in this book. NONE of the characters have descriptions so as I read they were just formless blobs. All their personalities were one note and half of them didn't even need to be in the book. Especially the other contestants for the weirdo show Jessica wants to go on. [WARNING I AM GOING TO SPOIL SOMETHING HERE] What was up with that part where all the contestants GIVE UP and let Jessica get the extension? Just so she could look at the camera and say, "My mom died"? Throughout the book Jessica is rewarded for doing the bare minimum. A lot of other reviews refer to her as a "teen sleuth." She barely did any sleuthing!
The pacing was also bad. I feel like the short chapters were designed to make the book a quick read. Instead, they felt like they made the book SOOO much longer. And half the chapters had little to no purpose. It was just Jessica's internal monologue about her dead mom. There is so little action and choice in this book, and all the monologuing bogged down the pace. A thriller is supposed to be thrilling, meaning it should have a pace that hits a certain amount of beats and should maintain tension. There is no tension in this novel.
My last thing is, admittedly, a bit of a nitpick. Towards the beginning, Jessica explains (or tries to give the impression of explaining, she really didn't say anything of substance) how the police botched the investigation into her mom's murder. She then launches in a bogus profile of the Magpie Man to try and give the impression of the man she's up against. I truly believe Vincent Ralph watched one episode of Criminal Minds and said, "Okay cool, I'll do that." I am not a profiler, but I engage with true crime media REGULARLY. The profile drummed up by Ralph was so, so, so annoying and bad and not well done. The most annoying part was that it was a huge contradiction. According to this profile of the Magpie Man, he DESPERATELY does not want to be caught but also will make little hints that he did it in an effort to claim credit. Which is it? Does he want to be caught or doesn't he? It just really annoyed me and pissed me off.
This is perhaps the meanest review I've ever written, and a part of me feels bad for that. I don't want to make anyone feel bad or insecure about their writing, but this book really, really irked me. And I truly do not understand the glowing reviews. What are other people seeing that I'm not? I don't think I'll ever know.
Every review is so POSITIVE, so GLOWING. And it's like... did we read the same book? Where am I even supposed to start with how bad this book was? When I picked this up from the bookstore, I knew it wasn't going to be a five star read, but I thought it was at least going to be entertaining. The premise is ridiculous. We have to stop pretending like it was strong or promising. It's unrealistic and silly, but that's what drew me in initially.
I guess I'll start with the writing. It's..... not the worst in the world, but it for sure is not the best. Vincent Ralph seems fond of shoehorning philosophies and moral lessons on grief and how "everyone has their own battle" and whatever. Jessica's internal monologue was so annoying because she embodied those kids who think they "get" life. We are also constantly reminded that her mom is, in fact, dead. Which IS important to the plot, but Jessica kept telling us it as if it were new information.
And speaking of Jessica! I'm confused by all the reviews saying shes a "strong protagonist," that she "feels real," and she "has a real personality." From what I read, she's more the idea of a person. And so is everyone else in this book. NONE of the characters have descriptions so as I read they were just formless blobs. All their personalities were one note and half of them didn't even need to be in the book. Especially the other contestants for the weirdo show Jessica wants to go on. [WARNING I AM GOING TO SPOIL SOMETHING HERE] What was up with that part where all the contestants GIVE UP and let Jessica get the extension? Just so she could look at the camera and say, "My mom died"? Throughout the book Jessica is rewarded for doing the bare minimum. A lot of other reviews refer to her as a "teen sleuth." She barely did any sleuthing!
The pacing was also bad. I feel like the short chapters were designed to make the book a quick read. Instead, they felt like they made the book SOOO much longer. And half the chapters had little to no purpose. It was just Jessica's internal monologue about her dead mom. There is so little action and choice in this book, and all the monologuing bogged down the pace. A thriller is supposed to be thrilling, meaning it should have a pace that hits a certain amount of beats and should maintain tension. There is no tension in this novel.
My last thing is, admittedly, a bit of a nitpick. Towards the beginning, Jessica explains (or tries to give the impression of explaining, she really didn't say anything of substance) how the police botched the investigation into her mom's murder. She then launches in a bogus profile of the Magpie Man to try and give the impression of the man she's up against. I truly believe Vincent Ralph watched one episode of Criminal Minds and said, "Okay cool, I'll do that." I am not a profiler, but I engage with true crime media REGULARLY. The profile drummed up by Ralph was so, so, so annoying and bad and not well done. The most annoying part was that it was a huge contradiction. According to this profile of the Magpie Man, he DESPERATELY does not want to be caught but also will make little hints that he did it in an effort to claim credit. Which is it? Does he want to be caught or doesn't he? It just really annoyed me and pissed me off.
This is perhaps the meanest review I've ever written, and a part of me feels bad for that. I don't want to make anyone feel bad or insecure about their writing, but this book really, really irked me. And I truly do not understand the glowing reviews. What are other people seeing that I'm not? I don't think I'll ever know.