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A review by maliciousways
Handbook for Mortals by Lani Sarem
1.0
Every year, I try to find one of the "worst" books that have been published and then read it to see if they deserve all the criticism. I have found it and met my quota this year. If you are unfamiliar, Handbook for Mortals is steeped in controversy and after reading this, I think it deserves every bit of criticism it gets. It's been a while since this book came out and the dust of the New York's Time's Bestseller list scam has settled, and I figured I would give it a read. I can honestly say that I have never read a book that made me swear in frustration and anger like this book has. This book kind of broke me with how annoying and utterly frustrating it is, so I will try to piece together some coherent thoughts from reading this nearly incoherent published mess.
This book consists of dumps. There are exposition dumps and monologue dumps. There are literal pages of monologues that can only be classified as word vomit. There are chapters of just exposition dumping. Walls of texts are used to describe each layer of clothing a character wears and details about side characters that are never mentioned again. Meanwhile, the bonding moments between characters with the love interest are completely left out. And then there is the dialogue. The dialogue between characters is an experience like no other. The best way I can describe it is being akin to Tommy Wiseau's film The Room. The Room, at least, was entertaining in how bad its dialogue is. There are some especially cringey lines from the protagonist when she gets into a fight with some other female characters. Zade has this "snappy" come back when the other girls ask if she thinks she is hotter than them "There's a song called "Ugly Girl' that I swear is about both of you. I'll play it for you sometime." *DEEP SIGH*
The story of Handbook for Mortals does not flow and the author cannot keep the events they wrote straight. This is the one and only book in the series. What is stated in an early chapter is contradicted 2-3 chapters later. And for a book about magic and magic shows, in the heart of Las Vegas, there sure is not a lot of it. We never learn about the extent or limits of Zade's powers, how they are used or drawn upon, or the mythos behind it. They just are there for no reason (and it doesn't advance the story either). Oh, and there is a love triangle that leads to no where since you know right off the bat who the main character will end up with.
This book starred one of the worst main characters. Our protagonist, Zade, follows the "not like other girls" trope to an exacting detail. However, instead of "quirky" and "kind" she is selfish, entitled, petty and judgmental. Nearly every female character in this book is characterized as being mean and snotty to our protagonist, which leads to many annoying confrontations and squabbles over male characters (no, this book does not score more than 1-2 points on the Bechdel Test). And when any other female character interacts with Zade, they act out in envy and Zade needs to always win their confrontations with witty comebacks and put those other female characters in their place. It makes me wonder if the author doesn't like women. All male characters fawn over Zade, and for the guys who don't fawn and extol her virtues, the main character whines and confronts them on why they may not like her. In fact, this book is really just the worship and adoration of the main character (which, if you haven't guessed already is a self-insert). Chapter Nine is just all the male characters talking about how cool and hot and amazing Zade is and how she is the kind of girl who is real "marriage material." *HURLS*
I'd like to point out all chapters up until that point, and after, are all from Zade's point of view.
On top of some of the worst characters, this book sorely needed an editor (I guess the publisher did not have one on staff?). There are extreme time jumps, many inconsistencies and typos, and some of the funniest errors. For example, this line: "Because malls quickly make me tired and cranky quickly, I figured I deserved some lemonade for the suffering I was enduring."
I quickly became tired and exasperated of reading work that hasn't been edited, quickly >__<
Also, it's worth noting that random and weird celebrities are name dropped in this book. Wayne Newton, Carrot Top, and each band member of the Plain White T's. Of course, all of these famous people get along with Zade and are on first name terms with her and also fawn over her. These were weird celebrity references for a book published in 2017.
It's funny to think that the author and publishers thought they could get away with their scam of getting on the New York Times Bestseller List and get a movie deal from a complete unoriginal story that is as poorly written as this. I guess it is the follies of being surrounded by people who only say yes? My brain hurts so much now from reading this. I can't figure out why anyone thought it would be remotely close to a bestseller or movie material.
This book consists of dumps. There are exposition dumps and monologue dumps. There are literal pages of monologues that can only be classified as word vomit. There are chapters of just exposition dumping. Walls of texts are used to describe each layer of clothing a character wears and details about side characters that are never mentioned again. Meanwhile, the bonding moments between characters with the love interest are completely left out. And then there is the dialogue. The dialogue between characters is an experience like no other. The best way I can describe it is being akin to Tommy Wiseau's film The Room. The Room, at least, was entertaining in how bad its dialogue is. There are some especially cringey lines from the protagonist when she gets into a fight with some other female characters. Zade has this "snappy" come back when the other girls ask if she thinks she is hotter than them "There's a song called "Ugly Girl' that I swear is about both of you. I'll play it for you sometime." *DEEP SIGH*
The story of Handbook for Mortals does not flow and the author cannot keep the events they wrote straight. This is the one and only book in the series. What is stated in an early chapter is contradicted 2-3 chapters later. And for a book about magic and magic shows, in the heart of Las Vegas, there sure is not a lot of it. We never learn about the extent or limits of Zade's powers, how they are used or drawn upon, or the mythos behind it. They just are there for no reason (and it doesn't advance the story either). Oh, and there is a love triangle that leads to no where since you know right off the bat who the main character will end up with.
This book starred one of the worst main characters. Our protagonist, Zade, follows the "not like other girls" trope to an exacting detail. However, instead of "quirky" and "kind" she is selfish, entitled, petty and judgmental. Nearly every female character in this book is characterized as being mean and snotty to our protagonist, which leads to many annoying confrontations and squabbles over male characters (no, this book does not score more than 1-2 points on the Bechdel Test). And when any other female character interacts with Zade, they act out in envy and Zade needs to always win their confrontations with witty comebacks and put those other female characters in their place. It makes me wonder if the author doesn't like women. All male characters fawn over Zade, and for the guys who don't fawn and extol her virtues, the main character whines and confronts them on why they may not like her. In fact, this book is really just the worship and adoration of the main character (which, if you haven't guessed already is a self-insert). Chapter Nine is just all the male characters talking about how cool and hot and amazing Zade is and how she is the kind of girl who is real "marriage material." *HURLS*
I'd like to point out all chapters up until that point, and after, are all from Zade's point of view.
On top of some of the worst characters, this book sorely needed an editor (I guess the publisher did not have one on staff?). There are extreme time jumps, many inconsistencies and typos, and some of the funniest errors. For example, this line: "Because malls quickly make me tired and cranky quickly, I figured I deserved some lemonade for the suffering I was enduring."
I quickly became tired and exasperated of reading work that hasn't been edited, quickly >__<
Also, it's worth noting that random and weird celebrities are name dropped in this book. Wayne Newton, Carrot Top, and each band member of the Plain White T's. Of course, all of these famous people get along with Zade and are on first name terms with her and also fawn over her. These were weird celebrity references for a book published in 2017.
It's funny to think that the author and publishers thought they could get away with their scam of getting on the New York Times Bestseller List and get a movie deal from a complete unoriginal story that is as poorly written as this. I guess it is the follies of being surrounded by people who only say yes? My brain hurts so much now from reading this. I can't figure out why anyone thought it would be remotely close to a bestseller or movie material.