Scan barcode
A review by sjgrodsky
Hum If You Don't Know the Words by Bianca Marais
2.0
If I were Bianca's editor at Putnam, here is what I would say:
"Bianca, we're not going to publish the manuscript you submitted. I want you to start on page 1 and re-write it, page by page. And I want you to think about these things as you rewrite.
First, you have a dynamite topic. There's plenty to say about apartheid, and the small details you reveal (such as the child being revolted by having to share dishes with someone who is black) are illuminating.
Second, the nine year old's point of view allows you to see some things and make some observations that an adult would not see. The trouble with this point of view is that even a precocious nine year old is incapable of the sophisticated observations this nine-year-old makes routinely.
One fix is to add an omniscient narrator. Or maybe your narrator can be a much older Robin, remembering and understanding events much better.
Rethink your characters. Do you really need Johan and Victor and the Goldmans and King George? Do you need Maggie and Wilhelmina? All of these characters zip in and out. We don't get to know much about them. They play roles in advancing the plot, but are not integral to the story.
And be mindful that readers usually know when an event is unlikely. Your book is full of unlikely events. Some examples:
Edith, the air hostess, is made to work shifts that take her away from home for three weeks at a time. Umm, no, most flight schedules keep you away for an night or two at most. And then you are home for the rest of the week.
Edith, not a stupid woman, tries to get jobs as a secretary but fails. Why doesn't she just ask for a transfer from air hostess to gate agent?
Beauty, the schoolteacher, writes a multipage letter to a nine year old full of long words and complex sentences.
King George has PLENTY of reasons to keep his distance and NO reason to take a nine year old white girl into Soweto.
I realize that all these events advance the plot but that is just my point: you need a plot that doesn't strain the reader's disbelief.
You have a good topic. Give me a simpler and more realistic story.
"Bianca, we're not going to publish the manuscript you submitted. I want you to start on page 1 and re-write it, page by page. And I want you to think about these things as you rewrite.
First, you have a dynamite topic. There's plenty to say about apartheid, and the small details you reveal (such as the child being revolted by having to share dishes with someone who is black) are illuminating.
Second, the nine year old's point of view allows you to see some things and make some observations that an adult would not see. The trouble with this point of view is that even a precocious nine year old is incapable of the sophisticated observations this nine-year-old makes routinely.
One fix is to add an omniscient narrator. Or maybe your narrator can be a much older Robin, remembering and understanding events much better.
Rethink your characters. Do you really need Johan and Victor and the Goldmans and King George? Do you need Maggie and Wilhelmina? All of these characters zip in and out. We don't get to know much about them. They play roles in advancing the plot, but are not integral to the story.
And be mindful that readers usually know when an event is unlikely. Your book is full of unlikely events. Some examples:
Edith, the air hostess, is made to work shifts that take her away from home for three weeks at a time. Umm, no, most flight schedules keep you away for an night or two at most. And then you are home for the rest of the week.
Edith, not a stupid woman, tries to get jobs as a secretary but fails. Why doesn't she just ask for a transfer from air hostess to gate agent?
Beauty, the schoolteacher, writes a multipage letter to a nine year old full of long words and complex sentences.
King George has PLENTY of reasons to keep his distance and NO reason to take a nine year old white girl into Soweto.
I realize that all these events advance the plot but that is just my point: you need a plot that doesn't strain the reader's disbelief.
You have a good topic. Give me a simpler and more realistic story.