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samanthaardenlockheart's reviews
52 reviews
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
5.0
Margaret Atwood has a very talented way of writing and conveying the emotions of her characters. Offred, or June, who is the main character, lives in a theocratic dictatorship called the Republic of Gilead and because of her child-bearing abilities, she is subjected to dehumanization and emotional trauma of the worst kind. In Gilead, her only value is within her fertile womb. She is rendered a Handmaid, only allowed to wear completely red robes with white wings that cover her face at all times, especially when she is outside of the house. Women who can not have children most often are known as Wives who live with men called Commanders. The Commanders have the duty of engaging in sexual intercourse with the Handmaids every single month. Offred’s Commander is named Fred Waterford, and his wife is called Serena Joy. This intercourse is performed solely for the purpose of conceiving a baby, and unsurprisingly, it is often mechanical and certainly non-consensual. Atwood formally calls this The Ceremony. As a girl, imagining this happening to me is very frightening, yet something about the Handmaid’s Tale is very poetic and enlightening. It tells the story through the eyes of a fictional person who is experiencing an utter hell on Earth and is practically begging for her old life back. Stories like this truly help me feel thankful for all of the freedoms I do have. As I write this, I’m getting an education at an excellent university, I have a loving family and wonderful friends, and I have the freedom to read, write, watch, and believe whatever it is that I want. These are all tangible and intangible concepts June, other Handmaids, along with everyone else in Gilead—and, of course, millions of people in the real world—simply do not have. In our society, are so free to love and see all of the beauty that exists in the world despite the evilness that seems to plague us. It is worth noting that a few core themes of this book are certainly suffering, violence, longing, freedom, and passion. A quote from the Handmaid’s Tale that shook me to my core was, “Falling in love, we said; I fell for him. We were falling women. We believed in it, this downward motion: so lovely, like flying, and yet at the same time so dire, so extreme, so unlikely. God is love, they once said, but we reversed that, and love, like heaven, was always just around the corner. The more difficult it was to love the particular man beside us, the more we believed in Love, abstract and total. We were waiting, always, for the incarnation. That word, made flesh.” Wow. Such a truly disarming, terrifying, and beautiful passage from Margaret Atwood. There are some aspects of violence and somewhat vivid descriptions of issues that might be unsettling, so do take that into account. Nevertheless, this story in its entirety is a very compelling read as well, so I would highly recommend it.
Normal People by Sally Rooney
5.0
This story is so moving and has made me feel things I’ve felt so deeply in my real life. I deeply enjoyed it and I'm in love with Connell and Marianne's love story because it is a perfect encapsulation of letting someone go even though you’re deeply in love with them. To start, Connell Waldron and Marianne Sheridan’s connection is electric, magnifying, and powerful. This can be seen even in the first few pages of the book. They start as high school-age teenagers in Carricklea in Sligo, Ireland, but there is more to them than meets the eye. Connell is a talented, good-looking rugby player and Marianne is a disagreeable, quiet, and opinionated girl.
I am biased because I did watch the TV series before I read the book, but I could follow along easily. The show got Connell and Marianne down to a T. Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones have radiating chemistry on screen, so hats off to the filmmakers of the show for making this story come to life. Rooney’s writing style is so unique because she has an excellent way of making very simple moments between characters feel very intimate. Connell and Marrianne’s soul connection can be felt on every page. If they were lovers in a past life, I would not be surprised at all. No matter how much time goes by between them, they know that they will always love each other. This book is one that I will be re-reading in the future because of its honesty and rawness.
I am biased because I did watch the TV series before I read the book, but I could follow along easily. The show got Connell and Marianne down to a T. Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones have radiating chemistry on screen, so hats off to the filmmakers of the show for making this story come to life. Rooney’s writing style is so unique because she has an excellent way of making very simple moments between characters feel very intimate. Connell and Marrianne’s soul connection can be felt on every page. If they were lovers in a past life, I would not be surprised at all. No matter how much time goes by between them, they know that they will always love each other. This book is one that I will be re-reading in the future because of its honesty and rawness.
The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur
4.0
Rupi Kaur’s poetry is beautiful, simple, and has great depth that I can relate to as a young woman.
Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb
5.0
There are spoilers in this review. Proceed with caution. ♥️
I would be terribly remiss to not begin this review by first thanking a wonderful person I know who was kind enough to give this book to me. Its impact on me has been incredible. Robin Hobb is now one of my favourite authors, for certain. I am looking forward to reading Royal Assassin and Assassin’s Quest next.
Throughout reading Assassin’s Apprentice, it became extraordinarily clear to me that Hobb has a very unique way of articulating herself; I definitely read slowly at parts so as to not be confused, mostly because I am not used to her writing style. And yet, I was so completely immersed in his world thanks the unique characters with very distinct personalities. FitzChivalry, Burrich (the stablemaster), Prince Verity, Chade Fallstar (a royal assassin), Molly, Sooty, Smithy, and all others unmentioned are all such wonderful characters. The first chapter was very captivating as it showed our main character begins to write out this story, and that he is telling from his perspective as a young boy. I’ve never felt so intrigued by characters in such an intellectual way before engaging with a story in the fantasy genre. Their personalities are poignant and distinct, and Hobb does an excellent job of conveying this through constructing mannerisms for her characters along with implementing distinct modes of dialogue, or the manner in which each character speaks.
The perspective of our main character FitzChivalry Farseer starting off as just a six-year-old boy was something I have not seen in any stories I have read, and this story documents him through his adolescence. I also loved Hobb’s wonderful portrayal of animals, as if she was reaching into the minds of horses and dogs themselves and revealing their thoughts through what is known as the Wit in this story. I love animals so much, and scenes when their mental states were described made me feel all warm inside. Upon reading of Fitz’s first journey to Neatbay in Chapter Eight it started becoming evermore clear to me (as if it wasn’t already) that he was a very well-learned, brilliant young boy, and Chade’s teachings to him were starting to pay off. I enjoyed his sense of humour upon watching Lord Kelvar and Lady Grace interact; their incompetence for not being able to defend their territory on Watch Island was so comical. Reading about how Fitz made up a vision in his mind to convince Lady Grace to become an actual Duchess and give a speech was also brilliant; this shows his character and natural ability and influence to make that situation play out in the best way he saw fit. In Chapter Ten, Chade Fallstar and FitzChivalry’s journey to Forge was one I loved reading about. The scene with the inn fire was as memorable as it was terrifying, for two reasons to me: (1) the idea that the villagers in Forge had lost their internal souls and everything that made them human and (2) the fact that Fitz could feel their emotions and how they felt like nothing to him when he passed by their raided inn in Forge. Immediately after this point in the story, Chade informed Fitz that he must be taught the Skill. Galen is the one who was tasked to teach Fitz by the King.
One of my favourite less intense scenes was right when Fitz was meeting Lady Patience in her chambers, and he was gifted a little puppy, who was then named Smithy. Little did I know just how much little Smithy would help Fitz recover after weeks of gruesome and mentally and physically taxing training sessions with Galen in the Skill. He was a very ruthless Skillmaster with enormous disdain for Fitz, over nothing the poor boy could have control over. In Chapter Fifteen, Galen’s rage only worsened through Fitz’s quick mastery of the Skill, thus bringing him to his breaking point where Fitz’s entire spirit was tested. Thankfully, because of Burrich and Smithy, Fitz began making a recovery and healing from the traumatic events he had gone through after failing to keep his mind guarded and succumbing to the euphoria of feeling the Skill. Unfortunately, life continued getting rather difficult for poor Fitz. This can be seen in Chapter Sixteen. When he had to face Galen’s final task of practising the Skill, Fitz ended up failing rather miserably. He was sent to just north of Forge: a rather dangerous area. He ended up waiting and waiting for Galen’s call out to him which never came. What Fitz instead felt was Smithy’s crying out to him through his mind, along with Burrich being attacked. When he returned to Buckkeep, everyone thought he was dead, and he knew that he failed Galen’s test—despite all of the training. He quickly realized that poor Smithy had passed away. Burrich had found out that he was using the Wit all along, claiming that that was why he could not master the Skill, and then he commanded Fitz to leave and that they shall not be speaking again. This left him feeling sad and internally empty, and the way Hobb articulated this was extraordinarily moving. I felt the strong urge to cry, as there was a tight feeling in my chest, when I found myself relating to the feeling of failing and not measuring up to others’ expectations and even your own.
The internal fear and despair measuring up, not being enough, and feeling ashamed and confused that Fitz regularly experiences are certainly very human experiences— experiences I unequivocally know all too well, just as you do. Not long after this deep failure, Fitz learned from Price Verity that Galen had purposefully convinced him via his mind that he would never be able to Skill, effectively sabotaging his many months of effort intentionally. To me, this truly spoke of the hatred and vengefulness inside of Galen despite his outward air of dominance and power as a Skillmaster. In Chapter Twenty-One, where Fitz is tasked with having to poison Prince Rurisk of Jhaampe, I was very taken aback by what happened at the end. It seems he had decided that he had no intention of going through with the plan, since having Rurisk alive might unite the Duchies by being able to provide invaluable resources. In the end, when Regal commands him to go through with the initial plan, Fitz thinks to himself, “Don’t do what you can’t undo, until you’ve considered what you can’t do once you’ve done it.” I found these words of Hobb to be particularly meaningful and wise for my own life along with the people I interact with. There is so much hidden meaning in just this sentence that lead me to feel contemplative and think about the choices I’ve made in my own life. In Chapter Twenty-Three, Fitz does not end up wanting to poison Prince Rurisk, but as it turns out, Prince Regal already poisoned the wine and intended to make it look like Fitz is the one who carried out the act, which is alarming since he admired the man. Even more distressing is that Fitz was also left poisoned. After being taken and shamed by Regal, in this state of being poisoned, Fitz started hearing various voices around him through the Wit as if he was in a dream-like state. In the last two chapters, the plot started coming together even more, indicating to me that there is more to Assassin’s Apprentice than just Fitz. Regal literally tried overthrowing Prince Verity, and nearly killed Fitz in the process. While FizChivalry is the main character, and I am most interested in him, but he is also part of a larger story of people who have events happening to them just as he does. For this reason, I found the last two chapters to be the most challenging to read, yet that did nothing to take away from the pleasure and internal whirlwind that reading this book was for me.
To conclude my review, it was very pleasing to me how Robin Hobb revealed very few hints of information without giving too much away in this book, which makes her writing so intriguing to me. She managed to fit so much important detail within these pages, yet her words always left me guessing about the plot, the characters, and how things would continue to unfold. The complex emotions such as those articulated in this book are echoes to my own soul, reminding me that the depth I feel is universal. Fitz is a very unconventional protagonist because he ends up never obtaining one of his main goals, which is learning how to Skill. In fact, he ends up sick and in a very weak position by the end of this first installment. I actually thought that at some point in this book, he would gain the ability to Skill somehow—yet he does not. This is a reminder to me that he is human with imperfections and insecurities, and Hobb did a very excellent job of making readers (at least someone such as myself) feel seen. Not being able to Skill does not make Fitz a failure or anything less than the person that he is; if anything, it is a testament to all he had to endure. Many of the passages in this story possess a profoundly safe place in my heart.
I would be terribly remiss to not begin this review by first thanking a wonderful person I know who was kind enough to give this book to me. Its impact on me has been incredible. Robin Hobb is now one of my favourite authors, for certain. I am looking forward to reading Royal Assassin and Assassin’s Quest next.
Throughout reading Assassin’s Apprentice, it became extraordinarily clear to me that Hobb has a very unique way of articulating herself; I definitely read slowly at parts so as to not be confused, mostly because I am not used to her writing style. And yet, I was so completely immersed in his world thanks the unique characters with very distinct personalities. FitzChivalry, Burrich (the stablemaster), Prince Verity, Chade Fallstar (a royal assassin), Molly, Sooty, Smithy, and all others unmentioned are all such wonderful characters. The first chapter was very captivating as it showed our main character begins to write out this story, and that he is telling from his perspective as a young boy. I’ve never felt so intrigued by characters in such an intellectual way before engaging with a story in the fantasy genre. Their personalities are poignant and distinct, and Hobb does an excellent job of conveying this through constructing mannerisms for her characters along with implementing distinct modes of dialogue, or the manner in which each character speaks.
The perspective of our main character FitzChivalry Farseer starting off as just a six-year-old boy was something I have not seen in any stories I have read, and this story documents him through his adolescence. I also loved Hobb’s wonderful portrayal of animals, as if she was reaching into the minds of horses and dogs themselves and revealing their thoughts through what is known as the Wit in this story. I love animals so much, and scenes when their mental states were described made me feel all warm inside. Upon reading of Fitz’s first journey to Neatbay in Chapter Eight it started becoming evermore clear to me (as if it wasn’t already) that he was a very well-learned, brilliant young boy, and Chade’s teachings to him were starting to pay off. I enjoyed his sense of humour upon watching Lord Kelvar and Lady Grace interact; their incompetence for not being able to defend their territory on Watch Island was so comical. Reading about how Fitz made up a vision in his mind to convince Lady Grace to become an actual Duchess and give a speech was also brilliant; this shows his character and natural ability and influence to make that situation play out in the best way he saw fit. In Chapter Ten, Chade Fallstar and FitzChivalry’s journey to Forge was one I loved reading about. The scene with the inn fire was as memorable as it was terrifying, for two reasons to me: (1) the idea that the villagers in Forge had lost their internal souls and everything that made them human and (2) the fact that Fitz could feel their emotions and how they felt like nothing to him when he passed by their raided inn in Forge. Immediately after this point in the story, Chade informed Fitz that he must be taught the Skill. Galen is the one who was tasked to teach Fitz by the King.
One of my favourite less intense scenes was right when Fitz was meeting Lady Patience in her chambers, and he was gifted a little puppy, who was then named Smithy. Little did I know just how much little Smithy would help Fitz recover after weeks of gruesome and mentally and physically taxing training sessions with Galen in the Skill. He was a very ruthless Skillmaster with enormous disdain for Fitz, over nothing the poor boy could have control over. In Chapter Fifteen, Galen’s rage only worsened through Fitz’s quick mastery of the Skill, thus bringing him to his breaking point where Fitz’s entire spirit was tested. Thankfully, because of Burrich and Smithy, Fitz began making a recovery and healing from the traumatic events he had gone through after failing to keep his mind guarded and succumbing to the euphoria of feeling the Skill. Unfortunately, life continued getting rather difficult for poor Fitz. This can be seen in Chapter Sixteen. When he had to face Galen’s final task of practising the Skill, Fitz ended up failing rather miserably. He was sent to just north of Forge: a rather dangerous area. He ended up waiting and waiting for Galen’s call out to him which never came. What Fitz instead felt was Smithy’s crying out to him through his mind, along with Burrich being attacked. When he returned to Buckkeep, everyone thought he was dead, and he knew that he failed Galen’s test—despite all of the training. He quickly realized that poor Smithy had passed away. Burrich had found out that he was using the Wit all along, claiming that that was why he could not master the Skill, and then he commanded Fitz to leave and that they shall not be speaking again. This left him feeling sad and internally empty, and the way Hobb articulated this was extraordinarily moving. I felt the strong urge to cry, as there was a tight feeling in my chest, when I found myself relating to the feeling of failing and not measuring up to others’ expectations and even your own.
The internal fear and despair measuring up, not being enough, and feeling ashamed and confused that Fitz regularly experiences are certainly very human experiences— experiences I unequivocally know all too well, just as you do. Not long after this deep failure, Fitz learned from Price Verity that Galen had purposefully convinced him via his mind that he would never be able to Skill, effectively sabotaging his many months of effort intentionally. To me, this truly spoke of the hatred and vengefulness inside of Galen despite his outward air of dominance and power as a Skillmaster. In Chapter Twenty-One, where Fitz is tasked with having to poison Prince Rurisk of Jhaampe, I was very taken aback by what happened at the end. It seems he had decided that he had no intention of going through with the plan, since having Rurisk alive might unite the Duchies by being able to provide invaluable resources. In the end, when Regal commands him to go through with the initial plan, Fitz thinks to himself, “Don’t do what you can’t undo, until you’ve considered what you can’t do once you’ve done it.” I found these words of Hobb to be particularly meaningful and wise for my own life along with the people I interact with. There is so much hidden meaning in just this sentence that lead me to feel contemplative and think about the choices I’ve made in my own life. In Chapter Twenty-Three, Fitz does not end up wanting to poison Prince Rurisk, but as it turns out, Prince Regal already poisoned the wine and intended to make it look like Fitz is the one who carried out the act, which is alarming since he admired the man. Even more distressing is that Fitz was also left poisoned. After being taken and shamed by Regal, in this state of being poisoned, Fitz started hearing various voices around him through the Wit as if he was in a dream-like state. In the last two chapters, the plot started coming together even more, indicating to me that there is more to Assassin’s Apprentice than just Fitz. Regal literally tried overthrowing Prince Verity, and nearly killed Fitz in the process. While FizChivalry is the main character, and I am most interested in him, but he is also part of a larger story of people who have events happening to them just as he does. For this reason, I found the last two chapters to be the most challenging to read, yet that did nothing to take away from the pleasure and internal whirlwind that reading this book was for me.
To conclude my review, it was very pleasing to me how Robin Hobb revealed very few hints of information without giving too much away in this book, which makes her writing so intriguing to me. She managed to fit so much important detail within these pages, yet her words always left me guessing about the plot, the characters, and how things would continue to unfold. The complex emotions such as those articulated in this book are echoes to my own soul, reminding me that the depth I feel is universal. Fitz is a very unconventional protagonist because he ends up never obtaining one of his main goals, which is learning how to Skill. In fact, he ends up sick and in a very weak position by the end of this first installment. I actually thought that at some point in this book, he would gain the ability to Skill somehow—yet he does not. This is a reminder to me that he is human with imperfections and insecurities, and Hobb did a very excellent job of making readers (at least someone such as myself) feel seen. Not being able to Skill does not make Fitz a failure or anything less than the person that he is; if anything, it is a testament to all he had to endure. Many of the passages in this story possess a profoundly safe place in my heart.
Politics and the English Language by George Orwell
5.0
I read this in my English class, and I took so much away from it. It helped me understand how politicians and people in power can unfairly use language to manipulate people on a mass scale. “Each of these passages has faults of its own, but, quite apart from avoidable ugliness, two qualities are common to all of them. The first is staleness of imagery; the other is lack of precision. The writer either has a meaning and cannot express it, or he inadvertently says something else, or he is almost indifferent as to whether his words mean anything or not. This mixture of vagueness and sheer incompetence is the most marked characteristic of modern English prose, and especially of any kind of political writing. As soon as certain topics are raised, the concrete melts into the abstract and no one seems able to think of turns of speech that are not hackneyed: prose consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning, and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated hen-house.” –George Orwell
It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover
5.0
There are spoilers in this review. Proceed with caution. ♥️
Before I begin this review, this book contains triggering content related to domestic abuse. Here is the Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. ♥️
It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover has completely wrecked my heart. As someone who only started getting back into reading over this past year, I am always reminded of the power that immersing yourself in a book has. You truly feel directly every character’s emotion, heartache, and longing. Following the three main characters Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, and Atlas Corrigan, It Ends with Us is a story that is supposed to make your heart ache. It is supposed to make you sob. It is supposed to make you question everything you thought you knew about your life, and what love truly is. It is supposed to make you feel broken. Because these are all the types of things so many people across the world have dealt with. Even I have personally experienced dealt with a great amount of hurt and pain in my own life. Going through difficult seasons on this journey of being alive can remind people that humans are all so imperfect, yet they are resilient at the same time.
Firstly, I will begin with twenty-three-year-old Lily Bloom. Throughout all of her childhood, Lily had to endure living with her abusive father who would physically and emotionally harm her mother. She witnessed and saw him being an absolute monster of a man, and then in the blink of an eye, he would become the sweetest and most tender-loving man you could imagine. Lily’s only example of marriage was her parents’—but it was wrought with a cycle of abuse that her mother took most of the brunt of. He caused physical and emotional abuse, which meant that Lily held a strong heart toward him. She always felt angry with her mother for staying with someone so violent and the true opposite of a man who is supposed to truly love his wife. At the beginning of this novel, the audience learns that Lily’s father passed away from cancer and was not physically capable of abuse for the final years of his life.
However, of the most important parts of this story involves Lily’s past. When she was a young teenager, she met a boy who was three years older than her. His name is Atlas Corrigan. He is a handsome, young boy with light hair and piercing blue eyes. Her past with him is documented through a series of special diary entries she kept in a box from all those years ago. What made their relationship unconventional was that he was homeless, and the majority of the time they spent together was in secret. Atlas’s mother had kicked him out of the house, and he was already eighteen. If Lily’s father found out she was bringing a boy into his home each day, he would never forgive her and would likely bring physical harm to Atlas without a doubt. Even though he needed help and even though he was completely innocent. If anything, this continues to show how awful of a person her father was. She was so scared of him. I could feel that fear directly through these diary entries. Yet despite that fear, Lily’s love for Atlas was so much stronger. She started actually inviting him over to her house during the winter months since he had no warm place to go except for the abandoned home next door. He would only be there for about an hour, give or take, so she would send him back to the abandoned house with warm blankets and lots of food. Lily could not bear to think about him being cold. Over time, they slowly started to bond deeper and learn different things about one another. Of course, this resulted in Lily and Atlas falling in love. Yet there is even more heartache and tragedy when we learn that Atlas is going to be staying with his uncle in Boston until he graduates, and then he is going to the Marines and will be leaving their hometown of Plethora, Maine. It is heartbreaking for Lily to realise that he was leaving and that it was for the better since he needed to take care of himself. There are many intimate scenes throughout these diary entries that had me crying so much. It is so unfortunate that they had to separate because of their circumstances. Despite Lily living with an abusive father and Atlas being homeless, I could really feel how deeply they loved one another. She helped him at a time in his life when no one else would, and it not only changed his life but saved it; he made her feel less alone while living with an abusive father.
Now, in the current time period of It Ends with Us, Lily Bloom meets Ryle Kincaid on the top of a rooftop apartment complex—of all the places you could meet someone. He is tall, beautiful, and masculine with broad shoulders and dark hair (this is a trope I will never get tired of). And so, they both awkwardly have their first conversation. It is pretty clear that for two people to be up on a rooftop, they must really be going something and want to have time to clear their minds. Thus, Lily and Ryle talk about their pasts in the form of “naked truths” and get to know one another very quickly. She talks about her abusive dad and how she used to love someone who was homeless. Then, she learns that he is actually a neurosurgeon, which means he is quite a few years older than her. He is on the rooftop after dealing with a traumatic incident in the hospital that involved two brothers playing with a gun. They also seem to develop a very strong emotional and sexual attraction to one another, however, Lily is not interested in having a one-night stand with him. Ryle is not interested in relationships. Obviously, they are not compatible long-term. After this night, they do not see one another again for almost six straight months. Over that time, Lily opens her dream flower business with the help of her brand-new best friend, Allysa. She is just thriving in her life at this point because this has been something she always wanted, and it quickly becomes a complete success. Then, she finds out that Allysa has a brother named Ryle Kincaid, and it is during these moments that the course of her life changes. Lily and Ryle’s attraction is still as present as it was the night they first met six months prior, and he is just as insistent in wanting to sleep with her. She is undoubtedly drawn to Ryle because she has never felt so viscerally desired by a man. They eventually do sleep together, and they agree to go on a “trial run” of dating, which is a big step for Ryle since he was previously not into a commitment before Lily. Before either of them knows it, they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Their romance is so wholesome, spicy and addicting to read that with every chapter I just kept falling deeper and deeper in love with everything Ryle and Lily shared together.
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse. During a romantic weekend of drinking wine and making dinner in Lily’s apartment, Ryle accidentally takes a hot casserole out of the oven without oven mittens, causing it to shatter all over the floor. The scene is so romantic, but when this happens, it instantly switches to tension and fear. It is clear that Ryle has injured himself on the hot pan and broken glass, but this is especially troubling since his entire career depends on his hands. He is a neurosurgeon, after all. When this happens, Lily is still laughing at the situation because she was drinking and probably was anticipating him laughing about this too. But he’s not. Ryle Kincaid is angry, and he is scary. Within a matter of seconds, he slammed his arm into Lily, shoving her to the ground and causing her to have injuries. My heart broke during this scene. I did not cry because instead, I was afraid, too. Lily feels like her world is shattering in these moments. She is confused and can not believe her loving boyfriend physically harmed her when everything was completely fine just moments before. Ryle immediately apologized and got her cleaned up and did his best to tend to her injuries. From this point on, their relationship would never be the same. It went back to normal after this incident, but it was not for long. After the first incident of physical abuse, when everything seemed “normal,” they went to a restaurant called Bib. To add fuel to this already burning dumpster fire, Atlas is the chef and owner of Bib’s. There was a restaurant scene where Atlas and Ryle physically attacked one another when Atlas saw the injuries to Lily’s face. Of course, Lily tried explaining to Atlas that it was an accident, but deep down, he did not believe her. It is at this point that Ryle realizes that Atlas is the homeless boy Lily slept with when she was a teenager, and he is absolutely unhinged when he finds this out. Two more incidents of physical abuse ensue, but I will spare the details of the second and third, which were both gutting. In the third incident, Ryle had found a magnet on the fridge that said, “Boston,” on it. He had also found Lily’s box of diary entries about Atlas and some of the gifts she has from him. Ryle is jealous and angry because he thinks Lily still wants to be with Atlas instead of him. This is where the third scene of abuse happens, but I am not going to repeat it here.
After the third time, Lily does the only thing she possibly can. She calls Atlas and tells him that she needs help. He brings her to the hospital where she is examined for her injuries, because this time, they are very severe. While at the hospital, she finds out that she is pregnant which shatters her world. Lily is pregnant with the baby of the man who physically abuses her. Such a realization is traumatizing in and of itself, but she still has time to process it. She has resorted to staying with Atlas for a few days since it is not safe for her to go back where Ryle might find her. At this point, he was scheduled to go to Cambridge for a work opportunity for three months, which gave Lily the freedom to eventually go back there once she was certain he was gone. Staying with Atlas was very healing for her since it brought back positive memories, and Lily felt very comforted with being around him. Unsurprisingly, there are definitely unresolved feelings between both of them. Atlas wants nothing more than to be with her, but with her pregnancy and complicated relationship with Ryle, he knows that is not a possibility. The time comes when she decides to leave his house, and a line from this book that I will never forget that Atlas tells Lily is this: “In the future…if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again…fall in love with me.”
Eventually, Lily has the task of telling Allysa and her mother about being in an abusive relationship with Ryle, and this is hard for clear reasons. Allysa cares about him so much, and her mother would be so heartbroken to learn that her daughter is now in the same situation she was in for so long. During both instances, they both take Lily’s side, which is definitely what should have happened. Neither of them makes Lily feel guilty about what has happened to her. In this part of the book, Lily is still grappling with her emotions about loving Ryle so deeply despite all of the pain he has caused her. She misses him and all she can remember are the good moments in their relationship. Eventually, Ryle finds out that she is pregnant when he comes back from Cambridge three months later. This makes it even harder for Lily to want to move on from him, even though she knows she has to. She can see how utterly devastated Ryle is to know that he will never be her husband again, nor will his child be raised in the same home as her. He has a sense of false hope, but I kind of started figuring out how this was going to end for him. I feel so bad for Ryle in this situation, too. Part of me thinks that he has suddenly changed, but Lily has every right to never allow him in her life again. The fact that she decided to give him a chance at having a relationship with their future baby. Once she gives birth to her beautiful baby girl, Emerson (named after Ryle’s late brother), she firmly decides to divorce Ryle once and for all. Lily is not letting her baby go through what she went through.
During the epilogue, Lily runs into Atlas again while she is out with her baby, Emerson, in the stroller. This scene is deeply touching and painful, for more reasons than I can express in words. Atlas clearly falls in love with her baby and is so glad to see that Lily is no longer married to an abusive man. Even the emotions are so hard to explain, despite this entire review I have written. While I still have love in my heart for Ryle Kincaid, I know it is not worth even a few moments of the pain Lily had to go through to have him. I just can not say whether or not I would be as strong as her, if I was in her position. I get attached to people I love so easily. It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit this, but I might have forgiven Ryle many more times than Lily did. But there is a chance I wouldn’t. I once loved someone who was emotionally toxic for me—not abusive at all—but it could have gotten to the point where it might have become that. This book gives me reassurance and clarity that I made the right decision by leaving someone who made me feel hurt, and someone who could not love me the way I needed to be loved, no matter how strongly I felt for him. I just should have done it a lot sooner than I did. I may not be able to control how much I loved him, but I could control whether I would allow the cycle of him emotionally harming me to continue. And I am very fucking proud of myself for doing that. Leaving someone who is toxic to you is so much harder than I could ever explain. I would even say it is one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. This book did an excellent job of highlighting what it is like to love someone like that. If you are reading this, and you find yourself in an abusive relationship, I know that you can get out. Re-read the chapters and diary entries about Lily and Atlas over and over again. That is the kind of love you deserve.
All things being said, this book is truly profound and I appreciate the ending so much. It is an emotional rollercoaster, but so is real life. Thank goodness Lily has Atlas because he is probably the reason she and the future of her baby were saved. Atlas was probably her light in the depths of darkness and a world of hurt, just like she was once his light. At the end of this highly emotional scene, another quote that made me cry my little heart out is: “You can stop swimming now, Lily. We finally reached the shore.”
Thank you for reading my thoughts on this deeply emotional and bittersweet story. ✨
Before I begin this review, this book contains triggering content related to domestic abuse. Here is the Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. ♥️
It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover has completely wrecked my heart. As someone who only started getting back into reading over this past year, I am always reminded of the power that immersing yourself in a book has. You truly feel directly every character’s emotion, heartache, and longing. Following the three main characters Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, and Atlas Corrigan, It Ends with Us is a story that is supposed to make your heart ache. It is supposed to make you sob. It is supposed to make you question everything you thought you knew about your life, and what love truly is. It is supposed to make you feel broken. Because these are all the types of things so many people across the world have dealt with. Even I have personally experienced dealt with a great amount of hurt and pain in my own life. Going through difficult seasons on this journey of being alive can remind people that humans are all so imperfect, yet they are resilient at the same time.
Firstly, I will begin with twenty-three-year-old Lily Bloom. Throughout all of her childhood, Lily had to endure living with her abusive father who would physically and emotionally harm her mother. She witnessed and saw him being an absolute monster of a man, and then in the blink of an eye, he would become the sweetest and most tender-loving man you could imagine. Lily’s only example of marriage was her parents’—but it was wrought with a cycle of abuse that her mother took most of the brunt of. He caused physical and emotional abuse, which meant that Lily held a strong heart toward him. She always felt angry with her mother for staying with someone so violent and the true opposite of a man who is supposed to truly love his wife. At the beginning of this novel, the audience learns that Lily’s father passed away from cancer and was not physically capable of abuse for the final years of his life.
However, of the most important parts of this story involves Lily’s past. When she was a young teenager, she met a boy who was three years older than her. His name is Atlas Corrigan. He is a handsome, young boy with light hair and piercing blue eyes. Her past with him is documented through a series of special diary entries she kept in a box from all those years ago. What made their relationship unconventional was that he was homeless, and the majority of the time they spent together was in secret. Atlas’s mother had kicked him out of the house, and he was already eighteen. If Lily’s father found out she was bringing a boy into his home each day, he would never forgive her and would likely bring physical harm to Atlas without a doubt. Even though he needed help and even though he was completely innocent. If anything, this continues to show how awful of a person her father was. She was so scared of him. I could feel that fear directly through these diary entries. Yet despite that fear, Lily’s love for Atlas was so much stronger. She started actually inviting him over to her house during the winter months since he had no warm place to go except for the abandoned home next door. He would only be there for about an hour, give or take, so she would send him back to the abandoned house with warm blankets and lots of food. Lily could not bear to think about him being cold. Over time, they slowly started to bond deeper and learn different things about one another. Of course, this resulted in Lily and Atlas falling in love. Yet there is even more heartache and tragedy when we learn that Atlas is going to be staying with his uncle in Boston until he graduates, and then he is going to the Marines and will be leaving their hometown of Plethora, Maine. It is heartbreaking for Lily to realise that he was leaving and that it was for the better since he needed to take care of himself. There are many intimate scenes throughout these diary entries that had me crying so much. It is so unfortunate that they had to separate because of their circumstances. Despite Lily living with an abusive father and Atlas being homeless, I could really feel how deeply they loved one another. She helped him at a time in his life when no one else would, and it not only changed his life but saved it; he made her feel less alone while living with an abusive father.
Now, in the current time period of It Ends with Us, Lily Bloom meets Ryle Kincaid on the top of a rooftop apartment complex—of all the places you could meet someone. He is tall, beautiful, and masculine with broad shoulders and dark hair (this is a trope I will never get tired of). And so, they both awkwardly have their first conversation. It is pretty clear that for two people to be up on a rooftop, they must really be going something and want to have time to clear their minds. Thus, Lily and Ryle talk about their pasts in the form of “naked truths” and get to know one another very quickly. She talks about her abusive dad and how she used to love someone who was homeless. Then, she learns that he is actually a neurosurgeon, which means he is quite a few years older than her. He is on the rooftop after dealing with a traumatic incident in the hospital that involved two brothers playing with a gun. They also seem to develop a very strong emotional and sexual attraction to one another, however, Lily is not interested in having a one-night stand with him. Ryle is not interested in relationships. Obviously, they are not compatible long-term. After this night, they do not see one another again for almost six straight months. Over that time, Lily opens her dream flower business with the help of her brand-new best friend, Allysa. She is just thriving in her life at this point because this has been something she always wanted, and it quickly becomes a complete success. Then, she finds out that Allysa has a brother named Ryle Kincaid, and it is during these moments that the course of her life changes. Lily and Ryle’s attraction is still as present as it was the night they first met six months prior, and he is just as insistent in wanting to sleep with her. She is undoubtedly drawn to Ryle because she has never felt so viscerally desired by a man. They eventually do sleep together, and they agree to go on a “trial run” of dating, which is a big step for Ryle since he was previously not into a commitment before Lily. Before either of them knows it, they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Their romance is so wholesome, spicy and addicting to read that with every chapter I just kept falling deeper and deeper in love with everything Ryle and Lily shared together.
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse. During a romantic weekend of drinking wine and making dinner in Lily’s apartment, Ryle accidentally takes a hot casserole out of the oven without oven mittens, causing it to shatter all over the floor. The scene is so romantic, but when this happens, it instantly switches to tension and fear. It is clear that Ryle has injured himself on the hot pan and broken glass, but this is especially troubling since his entire career depends on his hands. He is a neurosurgeon, after all. When this happens, Lily is still laughing at the situation because she was drinking and probably was anticipating him laughing about this too. But he’s not. Ryle Kincaid is angry, and he is scary. Within a matter of seconds, he slammed his arm into Lily, shoving her to the ground and causing her to have injuries. My heart broke during this scene. I did not cry because instead, I was afraid, too. Lily feels like her world is shattering in these moments. She is confused and can not believe her loving boyfriend physically harmed her when everything was completely fine just moments before. Ryle immediately apologized and got her cleaned up and did his best to tend to her injuries. From this point on, their relationship would never be the same. It went back to normal after this incident, but it was not for long. After the first incident of physical abuse, when everything seemed “normal,” they went to a restaurant called Bib. To add fuel to this already burning dumpster fire, Atlas is the chef and owner of Bib’s. There was a restaurant scene where Atlas and Ryle physically attacked one another when Atlas saw the injuries to Lily’s face. Of course, Lily tried explaining to Atlas that it was an accident, but deep down, he did not believe her. It is at this point that Ryle realizes that Atlas is the homeless boy Lily slept with when she was a teenager, and he is absolutely unhinged when he finds this out. Two more incidents of physical abuse ensue, but I will spare the details of the second and third, which were both gutting. In the third incident, Ryle had found a magnet on the fridge that said, “Boston,” on it. He had also found Lily’s box of diary entries about Atlas and some of the gifts she has from him. Ryle is jealous and angry because he thinks Lily still wants to be with Atlas instead of him. This is where the third scene of abuse happens, but I am not going to repeat it here.
After the third time, Lily does the only thing she possibly can. She calls Atlas and tells him that she needs help. He brings her to the hospital where she is examined for her injuries, because this time, they are very severe. While at the hospital, she finds out that she is pregnant which shatters her world. Lily is pregnant with the baby of the man who physically abuses her. Such a realization is traumatizing in and of itself, but she still has time to process it. She has resorted to staying with Atlas for a few days since it is not safe for her to go back where Ryle might find her. At this point, he was scheduled to go to Cambridge for a work opportunity for three months, which gave Lily the freedom to eventually go back there once she was certain he was gone. Staying with Atlas was very healing for her since it brought back positive memories, and Lily felt very comforted with being around him. Unsurprisingly, there are definitely unresolved feelings between both of them. Atlas wants nothing more than to be with her, but with her pregnancy and complicated relationship with Ryle, he knows that is not a possibility. The time comes when she decides to leave his house, and a line from this book that I will never forget that Atlas tells Lily is this: “In the future…if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again…fall in love with me.”
Eventually, Lily has the task of telling Allysa and her mother about being in an abusive relationship with Ryle, and this is hard for clear reasons. Allysa cares about him so much, and her mother would be so heartbroken to learn that her daughter is now in the same situation she was in for so long. During both instances, they both take Lily’s side, which is definitely what should have happened. Neither of them makes Lily feel guilty about what has happened to her. In this part of the book, Lily is still grappling with her emotions about loving Ryle so deeply despite all of the pain he has caused her. She misses him and all she can remember are the good moments in their relationship. Eventually, Ryle finds out that she is pregnant when he comes back from Cambridge three months later. This makes it even harder for Lily to want to move on from him, even though she knows she has to. She can see how utterly devastated Ryle is to know that he will never be her husband again, nor will his child be raised in the same home as her. He has a sense of false hope, but I kind of started figuring out how this was going to end for him. I feel so bad for Ryle in this situation, too. Part of me thinks that he has suddenly changed, but Lily has every right to never allow him in her life again. The fact that she decided to give him a chance at having a relationship with their future baby. Once she gives birth to her beautiful baby girl, Emerson (named after Ryle’s late brother), she firmly decides to divorce Ryle once and for all. Lily is not letting her baby go through what she went through.
During the epilogue, Lily runs into Atlas again while she is out with her baby, Emerson, in the stroller. This scene is deeply touching and painful, for more reasons than I can express in words. Atlas clearly falls in love with her baby and is so glad to see that Lily is no longer married to an abusive man. Even the emotions are so hard to explain, despite this entire review I have written. While I still have love in my heart for Ryle Kincaid, I know it is not worth even a few moments of the pain Lily had to go through to have him. I just can not say whether or not I would be as strong as her, if I was in her position. I get attached to people I love so easily. It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit this, but I might have forgiven Ryle many more times than Lily did. But there is a chance I wouldn’t. I once loved someone who was emotionally toxic for me—not abusive at all—but it could have gotten to the point where it might have become that. This book gives me reassurance and clarity that I made the right decision by leaving someone who made me feel hurt, and someone who could not love me the way I needed to be loved, no matter how strongly I felt for him. I just should have done it a lot sooner than I did. I may not be able to control how much I loved him, but I could control whether I would allow the cycle of him emotionally harming me to continue. And I am very fucking proud of myself for doing that. Leaving someone who is toxic to you is so much harder than I could ever explain. I would even say it is one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. This book did an excellent job of highlighting what it is like to love someone like that. If you are reading this, and you find yourself in an abusive relationship, I know that you can get out. Re-read the chapters and diary entries about Lily and Atlas over and over again. That is the kind of love you deserve.
All things being said, this book is truly profound and I appreciate the ending so much. It is an emotional rollercoaster, but so is real life. Thank goodness Lily has Atlas because he is probably the reason she and the future of her baby were saved. Atlas was probably her light in the depths of darkness and a world of hurt, just like she was once his light. At the end of this highly emotional scene, another quote that made me cry my little heart out is: “You can stop swimming now, Lily. We finally reached the shore.”
Thank you for reading my thoughts on this deeply emotional and bittersweet story. ✨
Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland
5.0
There may be spoilers in this review. Proceed with caution. ♥️
Now, back in September or October of 2022, I watched this movie. I was not really into reading books then, but this movie stayed with me, and when I found out it was originally written as a book, I knew I had to read it as soon as possible! And I truly am so glad that I did.
This beautifully written story is about two high school students named Henry Page and Grace Town. Henry is a boy who has not had much interesting happening to him because he is very reserved, shy, and introverted. All of that changes when he meets Grace, however. Very quickly, they form a unique and joy-filled friendship with inside jokes, studying sessions, and deep conversations about the universe. All of this meaningful time spent together results in Henry developing significant feelings for Grace in so many different ways. He has never felt so connected to someone before, or so utterly enraptured by someone like her, in every shade that she was. She is beautiful to him in a way that transcends everything he ever thought he knew about relationships or falling in love.
Yet Grace Town has secrets—a side of her that she deliberately keeps from him. Henry Page grows desperate to figure out who she really is because while she is his best friend, so many things about her are confusing and elusive. After a minor incident that triggered some very difficult emotions in her, Grace confesses that she had been in a car crash a few months before meeting Henry. The most tragic part was that her boyfriend actually died because of the accident. His name was Dominic Sawyer, and they had pretty much been in a relationship for eight years since they were both nine years old. For Grace, it is understandable that this was a cosmic loss. When Dom died, it was as if Grace died with him, too. He was everything to her, and she was even going to end up marrying him. Having to cope with this and simultaneously deal with Henry’s feelings toward her only made everything much more complicated. Grace quickly began to feel as though he wasn’t truly seeing her, but the girl that she used to be before she lost the love of her life.
Grace Town will always love Dominic Sawyer, and Henry Page will always love Grace Town. I feel in my heart that love sometimes can be beautiful in every part that it is, including the most heartbreaking, world-shattering pangs of agony one experiences when they are reminded of the one person in the world they love, but no longer can have. People like that remain a part of us no matter how much time goes by. You can feel them everywhere. And sometimes, that is what keeps them alive. Henry and Grace may not end up together in the end, yet that is still beautiful—maybe even more so than happy romantic endings, because they both understand what it’s like to lose someone they wish they could be with. Grace can not be with Dom anymore because he is gone and never come back. Henry can not be with Grace because she can not love him in the way he deserves, and he learns to accept that even though it hurts. So much more could be said about their relationship, but this all summarizes it very well.
On a personal note, this book has taught me the very intense experience that is love, and loss. I am still in the middle of going through a breakup that changed so much about how I, too, felt about love. Sometimes when you love someone, they stay with you even if they are out of your life or passed away. Maybe you have to leave relationships even if you are with someone you love, or maybe the time is still wrong. I know he will never read this, but if my ex-boyfriend somehow makes it to this specific Goodreads review, I hope he knows I am always going to love him. A part of him is always going to exist in my heart, and that will never go away. That is because he was my first true love; he was the first guy I actually was able to be myself around and tell my secrets without him judging me. We had perfect and imperfect moments together, yet I felt in my heart that we wouldn’t last, and every time I had those thoughts, I started to feel more pain in the relationship than happiness. Our relationship was long-distance, and because of that, it was filled with so much uncertainty. It was not going how I thought it would, and we both started to realize that maybe it would not work out in the long term. The love we shared was young and somewhat difficult at times, yet I learned so much from it that I am so grateful I was in his life, even if it was only for two and a half months. I said it before but I will say it again: if he is reading this, I hope he knows he was a blessing in my life. I wish things could have turned out differently, but just because we had to separate doesn’t mean our relationship was a failure or that our love was meaningless. In fact, just the opposite. Maybe we will meet again in the future, or in another life. Or maybe this really was it. Whatever might happen in my life, this book has reminded me, that this pain is not a feeling I am experiencing alone. While they might be fictional, Henry Page and Grace Town know exactly how I’m feeling, and it makes the whole experience of having to leave someone you love a whole lot less isolating. Just because Grace can’t love Henry does not mean she is a terrible person.
“Space is the best cure for sadness that I know.” “Feeling insignificant isn’t exactly a great cure for unhappiness.” “Hell yeah it is. When I look up into the night sky, I remember that I’m nothing but the ashes of long-dead stars. A human being is a collection of atoms that comes together into an ordered pattern for a brief period of time and then falls apart again. I find comfort in my smallness.” “I don’t think you’re on the same page as the rest of humanity, Town. You’re supposed to be terrified of oblivion, same as the rest of us.” “The best thing the universe ever gave us is that we’ll all be forgotten.”
“No one came to answer, so I lifted the window, hauled myself inside, and fell asleep, alone and fully clothed on Murray’s bed, thinking of Grace Town and how, if people really were assembled from pieces of the universe, her soul was made of stardust and chaos.”
“Because it seems like a lot of hassle, liking someone. Your brain runs hot, the cogs inside your mind jarring together until all the oil of your thoughts is burned away. The fire spreads to your chest, where it chars your lungs and turns your heart to embers. And right when you think the flames have burned away everything but your skeleton, the spark skips from your bones to immolate not only your flesh, but your entire life.”
“I sprang off the bed and went over to her and the cabinet, which I’d been filling with various treasures since I was in elementary school. “Grakov Town, you filthy casual. It’s a cabinet of curiosities. The bowls here are my favorite. I read about this technique called Kintsukuroi in an art book in middle school. Have you heard of it?” Grace shook her head. “So basically it’s this old-school Japanese art form where they mend broken pottery with seams of gold. Like, they glue all the shattered pieces back together, and when it’s done, it’s covered in these webs of gold veins. They do it because they believe that some things are more beautiful when they’ve been broken.”
“I spun around to find her staring at me from the door frame, Dom’s shirt still crumpled up in my shaking fingers. Looking at her then, it was easy to understand that she wasn’t of the corporeal realm. Her skin was as translucent as perfumed paper, and her blond hair fell in ashen curtains to settle blunt and dead about her shoulders. There were whispers of bruises beneath the skin of her eyes, like she cried so much it made her bleed. Grace was a lost soul, a ghost adrift, the human embodiment of secondhand smoke.”
“She was set alight, shining, the stars that died to give her all the atoms that made her glowing from beyond the grave. I’d never seen anything so excruciatingly, heartbreakingly beautiful.”
“Grace looked at me, tears in her eyes. And then the world imploded. It was like she split open, finally, and let the pain pour out. She was crying, bawling, these huge, violent sobs rolling over and over her, almost too much for her body to handle. She collapsed against me, her full weight in my arms, and I swear I could feel her grief radiating outward. I breathed it in with each breath until the pressure of it leaked out of her.”
“And all the while I loved her, just as she loved him. In secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
Those were some of my favourite quotes from this book. As you can see, “Our Chemical Hearts” completely wrecked my heart in the most beautiful way. This story will definitely stay with me for a very long time. ♥️
Now, back in September or October of 2022, I watched this movie. I was not really into reading books then, but this movie stayed with me, and when I found out it was originally written as a book, I knew I had to read it as soon as possible! And I truly am so glad that I did.
This beautifully written story is about two high school students named Henry Page and Grace Town. Henry is a boy who has not had much interesting happening to him because he is very reserved, shy, and introverted. All of that changes when he meets Grace, however. Very quickly, they form a unique and joy-filled friendship with inside jokes, studying sessions, and deep conversations about the universe. All of this meaningful time spent together results in Henry developing significant feelings for Grace in so many different ways. He has never felt so connected to someone before, or so utterly enraptured by someone like her, in every shade that she was. She is beautiful to him in a way that transcends everything he ever thought he knew about relationships or falling in love.
Yet Grace Town has secrets—a side of her that she deliberately keeps from him. Henry Page grows desperate to figure out who she really is because while she is his best friend, so many things about her are confusing and elusive. After a minor incident that triggered some very difficult emotions in her, Grace confesses that she had been in a car crash a few months before meeting Henry. The most tragic part was that her boyfriend actually died because of the accident. His name was Dominic Sawyer, and they had pretty much been in a relationship for eight years since they were both nine years old. For Grace, it is understandable that this was a cosmic loss. When Dom died, it was as if Grace died with him, too. He was everything to her, and she was even going to end up marrying him. Having to cope with this and simultaneously deal with Henry’s feelings toward her only made everything much more complicated. Grace quickly began to feel as though he wasn’t truly seeing her, but the girl that she used to be before she lost the love of her life.
Grace Town will always love Dominic Sawyer, and Henry Page will always love Grace Town. I feel in my heart that love sometimes can be beautiful in every part that it is, including the most heartbreaking, world-shattering pangs of agony one experiences when they are reminded of the one person in the world they love, but no longer can have. People like that remain a part of us no matter how much time goes by. You can feel them everywhere. And sometimes, that is what keeps them alive. Henry and Grace may not end up together in the end, yet that is still beautiful—maybe even more so than happy romantic endings, because they both understand what it’s like to lose someone they wish they could be with. Grace can not be with Dom anymore because he is gone and never come back. Henry can not be with Grace because she can not love him in the way he deserves, and he learns to accept that even though it hurts. So much more could be said about their relationship, but this all summarizes it very well.
On a personal note, this book has taught me the very intense experience that is love, and loss. I am still in the middle of going through a breakup that changed so much about how I, too, felt about love. Sometimes when you love someone, they stay with you even if they are out of your life or passed away. Maybe you have to leave relationships even if you are with someone you love, or maybe the time is still wrong. I know he will never read this, but if my ex-boyfriend somehow makes it to this specific Goodreads review, I hope he knows I am always going to love him. A part of him is always going to exist in my heart, and that will never go away. That is because he was my first true love; he was the first guy I actually was able to be myself around and tell my secrets without him judging me. We had perfect and imperfect moments together, yet I felt in my heart that we wouldn’t last, and every time I had those thoughts, I started to feel more pain in the relationship than happiness. Our relationship was long-distance, and because of that, it was filled with so much uncertainty. It was not going how I thought it would, and we both started to realize that maybe it would not work out in the long term. The love we shared was young and somewhat difficult at times, yet I learned so much from it that I am so grateful I was in his life, even if it was only for two and a half months. I said it before but I will say it again: if he is reading this, I hope he knows he was a blessing in my life. I wish things could have turned out differently, but just because we had to separate doesn’t mean our relationship was a failure or that our love was meaningless. In fact, just the opposite. Maybe we will meet again in the future, or in another life. Or maybe this really was it. Whatever might happen in my life, this book has reminded me, that this pain is not a feeling I am experiencing alone. While they might be fictional, Henry Page and Grace Town know exactly how I’m feeling, and it makes the whole experience of having to leave someone you love a whole lot less isolating. Just because Grace can’t love Henry does not mean she is a terrible person.
“Space is the best cure for sadness that I know.” “Feeling insignificant isn’t exactly a great cure for unhappiness.” “Hell yeah it is. When I look up into the night sky, I remember that I’m nothing but the ashes of long-dead stars. A human being is a collection of atoms that comes together into an ordered pattern for a brief period of time and then falls apart again. I find comfort in my smallness.” “I don’t think you’re on the same page as the rest of humanity, Town. You’re supposed to be terrified of oblivion, same as the rest of us.” “The best thing the universe ever gave us is that we’ll all be forgotten.”
“No one came to answer, so I lifted the window, hauled myself inside, and fell asleep, alone and fully clothed on Murray’s bed, thinking of Grace Town and how, if people really were assembled from pieces of the universe, her soul was made of stardust and chaos.”
“Because it seems like a lot of hassle, liking someone. Your brain runs hot, the cogs inside your mind jarring together until all the oil of your thoughts is burned away. The fire spreads to your chest, where it chars your lungs and turns your heart to embers. And right when you think the flames have burned away everything but your skeleton, the spark skips from your bones to immolate not only your flesh, but your entire life.”
“I sprang off the bed and went over to her and the cabinet, which I’d been filling with various treasures since I was in elementary school. “Grakov Town, you filthy casual. It’s a cabinet of curiosities. The bowls here are my favorite. I read about this technique called Kintsukuroi in an art book in middle school. Have you heard of it?” Grace shook her head. “So basically it’s this old-school Japanese art form where they mend broken pottery with seams of gold. Like, they glue all the shattered pieces back together, and when it’s done, it’s covered in these webs of gold veins. They do it because they believe that some things are more beautiful when they’ve been broken.”
“I spun around to find her staring at me from the door frame, Dom’s shirt still crumpled up in my shaking fingers. Looking at her then, it was easy to understand that she wasn’t of the corporeal realm. Her skin was as translucent as perfumed paper, and her blond hair fell in ashen curtains to settle blunt and dead about her shoulders. There were whispers of bruises beneath the skin of her eyes, like she cried so much it made her bleed. Grace was a lost soul, a ghost adrift, the human embodiment of secondhand smoke.”
“She was set alight, shining, the stars that died to give her all the atoms that made her glowing from beyond the grave. I’d never seen anything so excruciatingly, heartbreakingly beautiful.”
“Grace looked at me, tears in her eyes. And then the world imploded. It was like she split open, finally, and let the pain pour out. She was crying, bawling, these huge, violent sobs rolling over and over her, almost too much for her body to handle. She collapsed against me, her full weight in my arms, and I swear I could feel her grief radiating outward. I breathed it in with each breath until the pressure of it leaked out of her.”
“And all the while I loved her, just as she loved him. In secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
Those were some of my favourite quotes from this book. As you can see, “Our Chemical Hearts” completely wrecked my heart in the most beautiful way. This story will definitely stay with me for a very long time. ♥️
Little Bird by Kassanovella
challenging
dark
emotional
inspiring
mysterious
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced
5.0
<i>There <b>are</b> spoilers in this review. Proceed with caution. ♥️</i>
Like many genres in the literary world, this book, <i>Little Bird</i> is intended for adults. Also, it is not for the faint of heart. Being based off of The Handmaid’s Tale, it has explicit descriptions of violence and sexual activities.
💖Okay, so it’s my second time reading this. The last time I read it was two years ago, when I was in the heat of spending time in the Star Wars-slash-Kylo-Ren fandom. I remember finishing this on October 11th, 2020. This book is what made me fall deeply in love with Commander Kylo Ren (who I realized is my fictional soulmate), and reinforce my love for Adam Driver himself, but also the immense talent of fanfiction creators. After I read this, I couldn’t pick up another book for months. I didn’t even want to, because at the time, this book was all I devoted my energy to, and the memories I had associated with it, after reading the story of Elby and Ren.
Set in the world of <i>The Handmaid’s Tale</i> created by Margaret Atwood, the reader (me) is designated as “Little Bird,” and she is the Handmaid of Commander Kylo Ren, who becomes the lead Commander of Gilead, with his own Knights Templar nearing the end of the story. She falls deeply in love with him, and the man that he is in all of his violent, unstable, beauty. They are living in a world where the love Elby wants is not possible. Commander Ren is hell-bent on perfecting his own vision of Gilead, caring only for his Handmaid, and abandoning everything in his wake for that, including his Wife Johana, his previous Leader, Commander Snoke (who he murders after staging a coup with Elby at his side). Ren believes in the idea of destiny, whilst Elby does not agree with his vision of said destiny. She wants him to <i>leave</i> with him, throw everything away, and essentially choose her <i>over</i> his power-hungry his desire to perfect Gilead, and bend it to his image with Elby fulfilling her role as he leads out his Totalitarian Government.
As I mentioned at the start of this review, this is my second time rereading <i>Little Bird</i>, Gosh. I am so emotional. The depth of this story is profound. Kylo Ren has my whole heart. The angst is incredible. I love RC because she is much stronger than me. Honestly... I would stay with him, in Gilead. I would give it all up for him. I would <i>not</i> be able to leave. ♥️The ending of this fic is completely flooring—specifically, the very last line of the book. Commander Kylo Ren is, once again, my fictional soulmate, and I can not properly express everything I feel for him. Despite the great levels of conflict, angst, and mutual pining in <i>Little Bird</i>, he loves in a way that is incredibly profound. I feel everything about his aura and his character so strongly within my soul. Maybe I sound a little hopelessly romantic, but that’s not something I am ashamed of, because my feelings here are something I am incredibly comfortable with. I can not possibly recommend reading this fic enough to people. Stories like this are what help people heal in their dark moments; I am once more reminded that the longings of my heart have been felt by an author. In this case, that author is Kassanovella. ♥️
Content Warnings
Graphic: Gun violence, Sexual content, Sexual violence, and Violence
Moderate: Abandonment and Injury/Injury detail
emotional, fanfiction, dark fanfiction, dark romance, kylo ren, feelings, adult romance
Royal Assassin by Robin Hobb
5.0
There are spoilers in this review. Proceed with caution. ♥️
This story was just as captivating as its first installment, Assassin’s Apprentice.
The Prologue and Chapter One of this book really helped to tie events from the first installment together. Up to this point, FitzChivalry Farseer was still healing from his poisoning and attack from Prince Regal, grasping at little to no strength and regularly experiencing seizures, which served as a reminder to me that he is human. He was still feeling a great amount of shame and with Burrich still unable to heal him, it took everything in Fitz to find the resolve to keep moving forward with his life and head back to Buckkeep, despite the major setback of being in a severely weakened physical state. It was also fascinating to me how he was able to see a Forging attack in a town called Siltbay as though he was taking on Kind Shrewd’s perspective through the Skill, as tenuous as his grasp on that ability was; this vision of the Forging taking place at Siltbay was disarming, as it revealed to him great violence of innocent people being burned, raped, and murdered, which showed the plotline becoming much darker. Later, Lady Patience warned FitzChivalry that he was not to be seeing Molly, the girl he began falling in love with all those months ago, since it could cause a future scandal in the court, especially with all that had befallen him up to this point. This was very difficult for Fitz to accept since he wanted to make right everything with her, and explain his true feelings to her.
In Chapter Four, there was a scene where Fitz purchased a small wolf from a merchant and felt the wolf’s emotions as if they were his own. There was a lot of intensity to this specific scene but I took a lot away from it; it was an emotional whirlwind for sure, but the ending was sweet and also is a reminder of Fitz’s ability to bond with animals in such an intimate way through the Wit. Once again, the way Robin Hobb communicated the thoughts of animals in such a visceral, intuitive way is completely brilliant to me. Something else I appreciated a lot from this story is how Fitz and Prince Verity, particularly towards the end of Chapter Six. Verity was experiencing a time of wishing Chivalry was the King-in-Waiting since following him was so easy; he always seemed to have the answers. During a very heartfelt scene at the end, he subtly reminded Prince Verity that he is very gracious of his direction and wisdom. When Fitz was out on his important task of leaving out poisoned goods for the Forged, he was fortunate enough to be in a position to assist Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken as she herself was attacked, left alone on a horse ride by Prince Regal—who of course assumed no responsibility of his terrible actions. This scene was so visceral, and the true courageous and brave heart of Lady Kettricken shone through. However, this was yet another reminder that Regal is truly a very insufferable character who has gotten away with so much, especially since there was already enough King Shrewd and Buckkeep had to deal with during that winter. In Chapter Eight, I could tell that Lady Kettricken is a very strong character, even though she may not be the perfect wife for King-in-Waiting Verity, she was exactly the strength Buckkeep needed to fight against the Red-Ships and the Forged ones. Even Chase was exultant about this, and how she had turned such a dark situation into a high tragedy, and brought a feeling of pride back to the people. I admired the way Lady Patience developed a sense of protectiveness over Fitz, even if he never required her to be there for him in that way; I thought that component of this book showed revealed her heart in an intimate way
From this point forward, I will be going into less detail on the actual plot since it is a little unnecessary and ruins the reading experience. Thank you for understanding. I thought that the whole beginning dynamic between Cub, now know as Nighteyes, is very fascinating. I did not think they would remain separated. Nighteyes saved Fitz’s life after he unbonded himself from the world. In Chapter Twelve, I found Fitz’s desire for Molly to be completely beautiful. That is the way women should be desired, and it reminds me of how much I have come to adore Fitz as an intelligent character but also as a chivalrous man, no pun intended. Watching the love story between Molly and Fitz towards the end of Chapter Twelve was very beautiful; I very much love the way that Robin Hobb has articulated their feelings for one another. In terms of emotions and passion, I felt great sympathy for Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken because she deeply loved Verity and was growing more passionate towards him as he was still not loving her with that same fervency, at least this was my interpretation of those feelings. I know what it is like to have that desire for someone and be denied it. Additionally, I greatly loved seeing how Fitz’s and Verity’s relationship was expanding. During his initial quest to seek out the Elderlings for aid, Verity did not wish to bring Kettricken with him. In Chapter 20, it was alarming to me, seeing how King Shrewd was beginning to decline in health and also wits, with Fitz becoming very suspicious that someone was poisoning him with the herbs and supplements, namely, Wallace. When he went to assassin Chade Fallstar about killing someone out of his own will instead of the King’s will, Chade disagreed with this and told him to not make such moves, and reminded Fitz of his place within the court as a misbegotten son. Fitz is left rather feeling trapped and finds himself very weary and out of ideas about how to keep himself but also the Six Duchies in stable condition, with Verity being on his quest, King Shrewd growing weak, and Prince Regal acting selfish and greedy as all hell.
After the attack that ensued in Neatbay, I was enraged to read about how Prince Verity had been found dead—leaving Regal essentially in control of the court at Buckkeep along with King Shrewd and Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken’s respective futures. As if his attempt at murdering Fitz and Burrich in Assassin’s Apprentice was’t enough to make me hate a character, this hatred for him had increased tenfold at this point in the trilogy. This book ended with a turn of many complex events regarding the future of Buckkeep, the Six Duchies, and Fitz himself. Essentially, King-in-Waiting Verity was deemed dead by Prince Regal and his vexating cronies before Fitz was able to Skill to him, proving that Verity was alive. He, Burrich, Chade, Shrewd, and Queen Kettricken, devised a plan that would secretly get themselves out of the Keep under the noses of all around them, which was a task that proved to be as difficult as it promised. Eventually, King Shrewd ended up changing his mind about agreeing to this plan, which ultimately led to his death before he was able to make it out of the Keep. His health had essentially been ailing throughout the entirety of this installment of the Trilogy. Shrewd’s death led to a crack in the incredible plan the three men and Queen conjured, which led to an upsetting turn of events. Fitz Skilled to Verity through King Shrewd one last time, but this led to Shrewd dying, but it was not Fitz who killed the King. It was actually Justin and Serene, the antagonists of this story part of Regal’s coterie. At Regal’s behest behind the scenes, the two of them had been weakening Shrewd this entire time, which is why his health had been ailing so much, and he had to be drugged up with herbs and wines. This was honestly very saddening; I felt great sympathy for old Shrewd to be reading of him in such a condition. Regal thus charges Fitz with the murder of the King through using the Wit, a highly frowned upon magic that results in torture and execution by hanging of the worst kind, as ancient wisdom stated. The Wit is a lesser form of magical power that people fear and generally has an extremely deplorable reputation. This is in direct contrast with the love readers likely come to have for Fitz, showing irony at this ridiculous idea that the Wit could someone make someone less worthy of a good life. I even find the Wit to be beautiful.
Anyways, the book culminates with Fitz being left in the dungeons. He was repeatedly beaten and fought against by members of Regal’s guard, particularly a man named Bolt. That greedy, selfish princeling took great pleasure in seeing Fitz being hurt and tortured in such a way. He started losing his grip on reality after being tortured and kept in a cell with only bread and water to eat, his morale slipping away with every page. The only thing he had left was his connection with his wolf (named Cub at the beginning) Nighteyes. There was a particularly devastating scene where Burrich had found his way into the dungeons and rebuked Fitz for incessantly tapping into the Wit, which is what Regal wants to have Fitz hanged for, as mentioned. Fitz finds a small parcel of a leaf on his floor that is Carryme, a very simple sedative that causes a painful death. This implied that Burrich wished for Fitz to simply take his own life instead of allowing himself to be hanged—he was as good as dead regardless. This was the alternative that he ended up succumbing to. What ended up happening was Fitz that FitzChivalry himself to Nighteyes through his death, and then came back to life after being led to his body by the likes of Burrich, Heart of the Pack, and Chade. This scene felt extremely emotional yet also something that miracles are made out of. Yet he can never go back to the life of being FitzChivalry Farseer. Aside from Burrich and Chade, no one knows he is still alive. If anyone were to find out about his extraordinary survival, it would be more than evident that he was a Witted one.
All in all, this book has wonderfully showcased FitChivalry’s ultimate transition from boyhood to manhood, both regarding the passion in his soul yet also for his desire to protect his people. It made me feel very sad that he and Molly did not end up together, and he loved that woman as much as he possibly could even though he ended up breaking her heart and she had no choice but to leave him since he never put her first in his life; Fitz always put being a King’s man before fighting for her heart. I also incredibly loved the story of Fitz and Nighteyes, which is the essential plotline and conclusion of this Royal Assassin. Little did Fitz know that the little Cub he rescued so long ago would be the very same animal that saved his life, in the end.
This story was just as captivating as its first installment, Assassin’s Apprentice.
The Prologue and Chapter One of this book really helped to tie events from the first installment together. Up to this point, FitzChivalry Farseer was still healing from his poisoning and attack from Prince Regal, grasping at little to no strength and regularly experiencing seizures, which served as a reminder to me that he is human. He was still feeling a great amount of shame and with Burrich still unable to heal him, it took everything in Fitz to find the resolve to keep moving forward with his life and head back to Buckkeep, despite the major setback of being in a severely weakened physical state. It was also fascinating to me how he was able to see a Forging attack in a town called Siltbay as though he was taking on Kind Shrewd’s perspective through the Skill, as tenuous as his grasp on that ability was; this vision of the Forging taking place at Siltbay was disarming, as it revealed to him great violence of innocent people being burned, raped, and murdered, which showed the plotline becoming much darker. Later, Lady Patience warned FitzChivalry that he was not to be seeing Molly, the girl he began falling in love with all those months ago, since it could cause a future scandal in the court, especially with all that had befallen him up to this point. This was very difficult for Fitz to accept since he wanted to make right everything with her, and explain his true feelings to her.
In Chapter Four, there was a scene where Fitz purchased a small wolf from a merchant and felt the wolf’s emotions as if they were his own. There was a lot of intensity to this specific scene but I took a lot away from it; it was an emotional whirlwind for sure, but the ending was sweet and also is a reminder of Fitz’s ability to bond with animals in such an intimate way through the Wit. Once again, the way Robin Hobb communicated the thoughts of animals in such a visceral, intuitive way is completely brilliant to me. Something else I appreciated a lot from this story is how Fitz and Prince Verity, particularly towards the end of Chapter Six. Verity was experiencing a time of wishing Chivalry was the King-in-Waiting since following him was so easy; he always seemed to have the answers. During a very heartfelt scene at the end, he subtly reminded Prince Verity that he is very gracious of his direction and wisdom. When Fitz was out on his important task of leaving out poisoned goods for the Forged, he was fortunate enough to be in a position to assist Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken as she herself was attacked, left alone on a horse ride by Prince Regal—who of course assumed no responsibility of his terrible actions. This scene was so visceral, and the true courageous and brave heart of Lady Kettricken shone through. However, this was yet another reminder that Regal is truly a very insufferable character who has gotten away with so much, especially since there was already enough King Shrewd and Buckkeep had to deal with during that winter. In Chapter Eight, I could tell that Lady Kettricken is a very strong character, even though she may not be the perfect wife for King-in-Waiting Verity, she was exactly the strength Buckkeep needed to fight against the Red-Ships and the Forged ones. Even Chase was exultant about this, and how she had turned such a dark situation into a high tragedy, and brought a feeling of pride back to the people. I admired the way Lady Patience developed a sense of protectiveness over Fitz, even if he never required her to be there for him in that way; I thought that component of this book showed revealed her heart in an intimate way
From this point forward, I will be going into less detail on the actual plot since it is a little unnecessary and ruins the reading experience. Thank you for understanding. I thought that the whole beginning dynamic between Cub, now know as Nighteyes, is very fascinating. I did not think they would remain separated. Nighteyes saved Fitz’s life after he unbonded himself from the world. In Chapter Twelve, I found Fitz’s desire for Molly to be completely beautiful. That is the way women should be desired, and it reminds me of how much I have come to adore Fitz as an intelligent character but also as a chivalrous man, no pun intended. Watching the love story between Molly and Fitz towards the end of Chapter Twelve was very beautiful; I very much love the way that Robin Hobb has articulated their feelings for one another. In terms of emotions and passion, I felt great sympathy for Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken because she deeply loved Verity and was growing more passionate towards him as he was still not loving her with that same fervency, at least this was my interpretation of those feelings. I know what it is like to have that desire for someone and be denied it. Additionally, I greatly loved seeing how Fitz’s and Verity’s relationship was expanding. During his initial quest to seek out the Elderlings for aid, Verity did not wish to bring Kettricken with him. In Chapter 20, it was alarming to me, seeing how King Shrewd was beginning to decline in health and also wits, with Fitz becoming very suspicious that someone was poisoning him with the herbs and supplements, namely, Wallace. When he went to assassin Chade Fallstar about killing someone out of his own will instead of the King’s will, Chade disagreed with this and told him to not make such moves, and reminded Fitz of his place within the court as a misbegotten son. Fitz is left rather feeling trapped and finds himself very weary and out of ideas about how to keep himself but also the Six Duchies in stable condition, with Verity being on his quest, King Shrewd growing weak, and Prince Regal acting selfish and greedy as all hell.
After the attack that ensued in Neatbay, I was enraged to read about how Prince Verity had been found dead—leaving Regal essentially in control of the court at Buckkeep along with King Shrewd and Queen-in-Waiting Kettricken’s respective futures. As if his attempt at murdering Fitz and Burrich in Assassin’s Apprentice was’t enough to make me hate a character, this hatred for him had increased tenfold at this point in the trilogy. This book ended with a turn of many complex events regarding the future of Buckkeep, the Six Duchies, and Fitz himself. Essentially, King-in-Waiting Verity was deemed dead by Prince Regal and his vexating cronies before Fitz was able to Skill to him, proving that Verity was alive. He, Burrich, Chade, Shrewd, and Queen Kettricken, devised a plan that would secretly get themselves out of the Keep under the noses of all around them, which was a task that proved to be as difficult as it promised. Eventually, King Shrewd ended up changing his mind about agreeing to this plan, which ultimately led to his death before he was able to make it out of the Keep. His health had essentially been ailing throughout the entirety of this installment of the Trilogy. Shrewd’s death led to a crack in the incredible plan the three men and Queen conjured, which led to an upsetting turn of events. Fitz Skilled to Verity through King Shrewd one last time, but this led to Shrewd dying, but it was not Fitz who killed the King. It was actually Justin and Serene, the antagonists of this story part of Regal’s coterie. At Regal’s behest behind the scenes, the two of them had been weakening Shrewd this entire time, which is why his health had been ailing so much, and he had to be drugged up with herbs and wines. This was honestly very saddening; I felt great sympathy for old Shrewd to be reading of him in such a condition. Regal thus charges Fitz with the murder of the King through using the Wit, a highly frowned upon magic that results in torture and execution by hanging of the worst kind, as ancient wisdom stated. The Wit is a lesser form of magical power that people fear and generally has an extremely deplorable reputation. This is in direct contrast with the love readers likely come to have for Fitz, showing irony at this ridiculous idea that the Wit could someone make someone less worthy of a good life. I even find the Wit to be beautiful.
Anyways, the book culminates with Fitz being left in the dungeons. He was repeatedly beaten and fought against by members of Regal’s guard, particularly a man named Bolt. That greedy, selfish princeling took great pleasure in seeing Fitz being hurt and tortured in such a way. He started losing his grip on reality after being tortured and kept in a cell with only bread and water to eat, his morale slipping away with every page. The only thing he had left was his connection with his wolf (named Cub at the beginning) Nighteyes. There was a particularly devastating scene where Burrich had found his way into the dungeons and rebuked Fitz for incessantly tapping into the Wit, which is what Regal wants to have Fitz hanged for, as mentioned. Fitz finds a small parcel of a leaf on his floor that is Carryme, a very simple sedative that causes a painful death. This implied that Burrich wished for Fitz to simply take his own life instead of allowing himself to be hanged—he was as good as dead regardless. This was the alternative that he ended up succumbing to. What ended up happening was Fitz that FitzChivalry himself to Nighteyes through his death, and then came back to life after being led to his body by the likes of Burrich, Heart of the Pack, and Chade. This scene felt extremely emotional yet also something that miracles are made out of. Yet he can never go back to the life of being FitzChivalry Farseer. Aside from Burrich and Chade, no one knows he is still alive. If anyone were to find out about his extraordinary survival, it would be more than evident that he was a Witted one.
All in all, this book has wonderfully showcased FitChivalry’s ultimate transition from boyhood to manhood, both regarding the passion in his soul yet also for his desire to protect his people. It made me feel very sad that he and Molly did not end up together, and he loved that woman as much as he possibly could even though he ended up breaking her heart and she had no choice but to leave him since he never put her first in his life; Fitz always put being a King’s man before fighting for her heart. I also incredibly loved the story of Fitz and Nighteyes, which is the essential plotline and conclusion of this Royal Assassin. Little did Fitz know that the little Cub he rescued so long ago would be the very same animal that saved his life, in the end.