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smoladeryn's reviews
167 reviews
No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai
This book is so well written, and a classic indeed. And, still, I’ve never both hated a book so intensely and also not been able to stop reading it.
It’s incredibly poetic at times with vignettes that startled me in their simple and quiet beauty. The blurb describes this account of the character’s life (and perhaps Osama Dorias’) as being without sentiment. Cold? No. It’s a dark, depressing, dank telling of a person’s life, but if you pay attention there is so much sentimentality for his depression and deceitful, destructive ways.
Before I go on, I do also need to address- his disgusting abuse of the women in his life. He very clearly knew he was despicable for it but he never truly realized just how awfully abusive and destructive he was. He often wrote about these women as if they deserved it because they were weak, ugly, or “crippled”.
I found myself thinking about reading this through a modern 2022 lens, how much mental illness and pain is clear in the character. In today’s world, no doubt we could see any number of diagnoses for this character. I wonder if it would have changed things.
The thing I struggled most with was how much this book is one of utter self loathing, but somehow, at the same time he fails to ever take responsibility for a single thing that happens to him. In fact, he describes it all as simply happening to him as if he’s a pacifist in his life. And maybe that’s how he truly experienced it - but oh if he knew all he had to do was simply take responsibility and self reflect! Even in his, clearly later years of life, the self reflection that is this book is actually just self indulgence!
The narcissism and self centred perspective often made me nauseous and gave me vertigo how quickly he’d both dwell in what was surely a very awful life as well somehow believe he was so special as to be the only person in the entire world suffering in the way he did. Not only this, him! A boy from a rich family who lost that connection through his own poor choices! And sure, he lacked a loving family, but my lawd, even many who experience serious child abuse can find a way through life without feeling so utterly sorry for themselves.
I think this is what kept me most from feeling compassion for him. Although, at times I would start to feel some compassion, it would be ripped away by the next paragraph’s grandiose claims at how hard done by he was.
Somehow he is so poetic in the narcissism I couldn’t shake how haunting it was. It reminds me of Bukowski, a poet I love in a way, but also hate.
Even toward the end, when he should be starting to find clarity on his mistakes he blames everything around him for his terribleness.
BUT THE POETRY, ugh it kills me. I’m so conflicted.
Finally, at times I actually laughed out loud. I often wondered where his (supposedly) magnificent humour was in all of this. His grandiose claims at how funny and charming everyone found him rarely materialized. But there were glimpses.
dark
sad
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.0
Just when I was beginning to forget, that bird of ill-Omen came flapping my way, to rip open with its beak the wounds of memory. —p139
This book is so well written, and a classic indeed. And, still, I’ve never both hated a book so intensely and also not been able to stop reading it.
It’s incredibly poetic at times with vignettes that startled me in their simple and quiet beauty. The blurb describes this account of the character’s life (and perhaps Osama Dorias’) as being without sentiment. Cold? No. It’s a dark, depressing, dank telling of a person’s life, but if you pay attention there is so much sentimentality for his depression and deceitful, destructive ways.
Before I go on, I do also need to address- his disgusting abuse of the women in his life. He very clearly knew he was despicable for it but he never truly realized just how awfully abusive and destructive he was. He often wrote about these women as if they deserved it because they were weak, ugly, or “crippled”.
I found myself thinking about reading this through a modern 2022 lens, how much mental illness and pain is clear in the character. In today’s world, no doubt we could see any number of diagnoses for this character. I wonder if it would have changed things.
The thing I struggled most with was how much this book is one of utter self loathing, but somehow, at the same time he fails to ever take responsibility for a single thing that happens to him. In fact, he describes it all as simply happening to him as if he’s a pacifist in his life. And maybe that’s how he truly experienced it - but oh if he knew all he had to do was simply take responsibility and self reflect! Even in his, clearly later years of life, the self reflection that is this book is actually just self indulgence!
The narcissism and self centred perspective often made me nauseous and gave me vertigo how quickly he’d both dwell in what was surely a very awful life as well somehow believe he was so special as to be the only person in the entire world suffering in the way he did. Not only this, him! A boy from a rich family who lost that connection through his own poor choices! And sure, he lacked a loving family, but my lawd, even many who experience serious child abuse can find a way through life without feeling so utterly sorry for themselves.
I think this is what kept me most from feeling compassion for him. Although, at times I would start to feel some compassion, it would be ripped away by the next paragraph’s grandiose claims at how hard done by he was.
It is curious, but the cathedrals of melancholy are not necessarily demolished if one can replace the vulgar “What a messy business it is to be fallen for” by the more literary “What uneasiness lies in being loved” —p47
Somehow he is so poetic in the narcissism I couldn’t shake how haunting it was. It reminds me of Bukowski, a poet I love in a way, but also hate.
(I am very susceptible to other people’s suggestions. When people say to me, “You really shouldn’t spend this money, but I suppose you will anyway…” I have the strange illusion that I would be going against expectations and somehow doing wrong unless I spent it. I invariably spend all the money immediately.) —p161
Even toward the end, when he should be starting to find clarity on his mistakes he blames everything around him for his terribleness.
BUT THE POETRY, ugh it kills me. I’m so conflicted.
But materialism could not free me from my dread of human beings; I could not feel the joy of hope a man experiences when he opens his eyes on young leaves. —p66
Just when I was beginning to forget, that bird of ill-Omen came flapping my way, to rip open with its beak the wounds of memory. —p139
Finally, at times I actually laughed out loud. I often wondered where his (supposedly) magnificent humour was in all of this. His grandiose claims at how funny and charming everyone found him rarely materialized. But there were glimpses.
Then, just when I had begun to entertain faintly in my breast the sweet notion that perhaps there was a chance I might turn one of these days into a human being and be spared the necessity of a horrible death, Horiki showed up again. —p138
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Alcoholism, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Emotional abuse, Mental illness, Physical abuse, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Suicide attempt
Finding the Mother Tree: Discovering the Wisdom of the Forest by Suzanne Simard
emotional
informative
reflective
slow-paced
3.0
A lot of the stories seem so meandering that at first they’re slow and frustrating to read. It’s only with perseverance do we find out why we were hearing such intricate and intimate stories of her family and what on earth it had to do with the trees.
The whole anthropomorphism makes the science compelling to many, but also felt overwrought at times. The dramatization of the memoir felt very Canadian to me as an immigrant of 15 years. Reminded me of me ex mother in law’s stories. Not in a good way (‘:
I also found it odd how much she assumed and supposed other people’s intentions, desires, and thoughts. I wasn’t sure if these were just clumsy assumptions for drama’s sake or projection.
Despite all of this I did find that the long told story of a woman in a very male industry and the awful sexism she encountered a really important story to tell buried in what honestly made me feel bored a lot.
The book was a struggle to finish. I’d kill for an abridged version with just the science and discovery - which is what I picked the book up for first.
It’s actually much more heavily weighted to the personal and family - I’d say most it is memoir & just a small fraction the science or research b
The whole anthropomorphism makes the science compelling to many, but also felt overwrought at times. The dramatization of the memoir felt very Canadian to me as an immigrant of 15 years. Reminded me of me ex mother in law’s stories. Not in a good way (‘:
I also found it odd how much she assumed and supposed other people’s intentions, desires, and thoughts. I wasn’t sure if these were just clumsy assumptions for drama’s sake or projection.
Despite all of this I did find that the long told story of a woman in a very male industry and the awful sexism she encountered a really important story to tell buried in what honestly made me feel bored a lot.
The book was a struggle to finish. I’d kill for an abridged version with just the science and discovery - which is what I picked the book up for first.
It’s actually much more heavily weighted to the personal and family - I’d say most it is memoir & just a small fraction the science or research b
Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel
adventurous
dark
hopeful
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
4.0
“First we want to be seen, but once we’re seen that’s not enough anymore. Then, we want to be remembered”
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed
dark
emotional
funny
medium-paced
5.0
“Acceptance is a small, quiet room” p352
Content Warning: abuse
I don’t read “self help” I thought as I grabbed this from a shelf on the way out of my beautiful home that I didn’t want to leave. I was fleeing an abusive relationship of 16 years when this book jumped out at me—no doubt given by his mother that he never read—like so many books of this kind.
I don’t know why I took it. I hadn’t been able to read much in 8 years-- the second half of our relationship. I also really didn’t read “self help” or even memoirs. I never read Sugar’s column, although I did read TheRumpus, I didn’t know that’s where it came from at the time.
I saw the ugly orange cover, read the title that seemed so overwrought (honestly), and picked it up in my already much too full hands with my cat and as many “important” possessions as I could take.
I was terrified that day and I was terrified for weeks, months still. I was homeless for 2 months, but not the kind of homelessness I experienced in my early 20s. It was the kind where I had to stay in a horror story air bnb, a hotel, and then a dank and noisy basement I paid way too much for.
In each place I unpacked this book and put it next to where I slept. I didn’t read it. When I got to my noisy and deeply lonely new rental apartment in the heart of downtown, I put it next to my pillow and didn’t read it.
One day about 4 months into this “new life”, after the homeless period, I started reading it.
I’ve wept at nearly every letter. Before I started reading this collection, that no doubt my ex-mother-in-law gave to her stubborn and abusive son that refuses to look inward, she picked a fight with me. The details aren’t important, but she said some of the most hurtful and painful things anyone has ever said, even more so than my own horribly abusive family.
I don’t know if I finally read this out of stubbornness (spite?) myself but all I know is Tiny Beautiful Things is the thing that started my healing. I’m still healing.
There were times I didn’t read this book, and times I devoured 3 letters at once. There were times I had to process a letter for what seemed like an eternity before I could bare to pick up the weight of it again. Then, there were times where this book sat in a bag on my back, light as a feather, and as warm as a familiar friend.
Tiny Beautiful Things is one of those Things itself. The phrase comes from the description of a sweet purple balloon. It might not be the sweet balloon Sugar describes, but there are times where it is. And she is right—it is something we all deserve.
I kept a journal of endless quotes. I was going to post them as a review which is what I usually do, but those quotes are important mostly to me, probably.
Content Warning: abuse
I don’t read “self help” I thought as I grabbed this from a shelf on the way out of my beautiful home that I didn’t want to leave. I was fleeing an abusive relationship of 16 years when this book jumped out at me—no doubt given by his mother that he never read—like so many books of this kind.
I don’t know why I took it. I hadn’t been able to read much in 8 years-- the second half of our relationship. I also really didn’t read “self help” or even memoirs. I never read Sugar’s column, although I did read TheRumpus, I didn’t know that’s where it came from at the time.
I saw the ugly orange cover, read the title that seemed so overwrought (honestly), and picked it up in my already much too full hands with my cat and as many “important” possessions as I could take.
I was terrified that day and I was terrified for weeks, months still. I was homeless for 2 months, but not the kind of homelessness I experienced in my early 20s. It was the kind where I had to stay in a horror story air bnb, a hotel, and then a dank and noisy basement I paid way too much for.
In each place I unpacked this book and put it next to where I slept. I didn’t read it. When I got to my noisy and deeply lonely new rental apartment in the heart of downtown, I put it next to my pillow and didn’t read it.
One day about 4 months into this “new life”, after the homeless period, I started reading it.
I’ve wept at nearly every letter. Before I started reading this collection, that no doubt my ex-mother-in-law gave to her stubborn and abusive son that refuses to look inward, she picked a fight with me. The details aren’t important, but she said some of the most hurtful and painful things anyone has ever said, even more so than my own horribly abusive family.
I don’t know if I finally read this out of stubbornness (spite?) myself but all I know is Tiny Beautiful Things is the thing that started my healing. I’m still healing.
There were times I didn’t read this book, and times I devoured 3 letters at once. There were times I had to process a letter for what seemed like an eternity before I could bare to pick up the weight of it again. Then, there were times where this book sat in a bag on my back, light as a feather, and as warm as a familiar friend.
Tiny Beautiful Things is one of those Things itself. The phrase comes from the description of a sweet purple balloon. It might not be the sweet balloon Sugar describes, but there are times where it is. And she is right—it is something we all deserve.
I kept a journal of endless quotes. I was going to post them as a review which is what I usually do, but those quotes are important mostly to me, probably.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Child abuse, Death, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Infidelity, Mental illness, Misogyny, Sexism, Sexual content, Terminal illness, Toxic relationship, Death of parent, Gaslighting, Toxic friendship, Abandonment, Classism
Moderate: Addiction, Bullying, Cancer, Cursing, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Infertility, Physical abuse, Sexual assault, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Violence, Dementia, Grief, Pregnancy, Sexual harassment, Dysphoria
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
challenging
hopeful
informative
slow-paced
5.0
Phenomenal book for everyone, not just those seeking or practicing polyamory!
I knew most of the concepts in the book before going in, but the way they were collated and presented was digestible, practical, and with utmost compassion.
MUST READ! <3
I knew most of the concepts in the book before going in, but the way they were collated and presented was digestible, practical, and with utmost compassion.
MUST READ! <3
Content Warnings
Moderate: Ableism, Child abuse, Death, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Infidelity, Panic attacks/disorders, Violence, Grief, Gaslighting, Abandonment, Colonisation, Classism
Shampoo Planet by Douglas Coupland
adventurous
challenging
dark
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.5