Reviews with content warning for Sexual violence - Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

Reviews tagging 'Sexual violence'

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

39 reviews

takarakei's review against another edition

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informative medium-paced

4.0

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riverofhorton's review against another edition

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challenging funny hopeful informative inspiring reflective slow-paced

3.75

So much of this book is useful... To someone else.

I found I didn't learn a vast amount from this book, and the bits I did learn gave me more of a "Huh, so that answers this personal trauma question", rather than increasing my understanding of sexuality in general.

So many times the book says something, then it'll say "More on that in chapter x." or "Remember this from chapter y?" and it just served as a jolt in the flow.

One of the things I didn't like, and feel I need to mention: This book uses gender where it should be using sex, and woman where it should be using AFAB, etc. I understand that this was likely done to avoid confusing sex the action with sex the characteristic, but it's the kind of thing that I can see affecting other trans masc people more than I. Using gender (and woman) implies that this book would not apply to trans guys, because gender, but it does apply to us (without surgical intervention) because sex.

It does also seem to portray "Don't want/enjoy sex, that's OKay, change the context and you will." Which skirts a little too close to being Acephobic for my comfort. Some people just aren't interested in sex, and that's OKay.

The basic sum, is that this seems to very much be aimed at the cis woman in a heterosexual monogamous relationship seeking to understand her body and sexuality. Which is great for the cishet woman in a mono relationship. And while there are bits that can be applied to folx that don't fit those categories, the lack of inclusive language is noticeable.

Overall, I can see why this book is so popular, and I will be recommending it to others, with the above caveat as needed, but I just didn't get much out of it that I couldn't have got from trauma therapy.

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pho_ar's review against another edition

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challenging emotional hopeful informative inspiring reflective medium-paced

2.75

I have mixed feelings about this work, let's talk about it- (I listened to the audiobook read by the author and Nicolas Bolton, do reccomend as the method of experiencing this book)

First, let me state that I feel like this work is important and that I do believe it will help women think more about their sexuality and how they express it.

The good stuff:

This was by far the most helpful - The Stress Cycle, learning about it, and how sometimes you put the breaks on releasing that stress and going into freeze actually really helped me to be more intuned with myself.

Nonconcordance, the separating of genital response, and like actual pleasure, I think, is an important message, especially in the context of our society and rape culture

When she describes the many ways to have an orgasm and that no two are the same or better, it is also helpful because I didn't fully know that, and it was interesting to learn the science behind this.

Atttachement styles are also helpful in just reflecting on my own relationships(in general, not just romantic)

Accelerators and Breaks

Learning about desire in general

Grieving what you thought things were supposed to look like(this was in the context of sexuality but she also mentions it in the wider context, which I thought was helpful.

And the overall message of trusting yourself and your sexuality was just good to hear and be reminded of.

The not so good stuff

This book contains a lot of analogies and metaphors and I know it is all in an effort for the science to be more approachable and understandable, but at times I felt as if it muddled the science and it felt like I was being coddled like I was a scared stray kitten. I do acknowledge that some may need that in regards to this topic, though, so I understand it was just a lot for a whole book.

The book does not talk about asexuality, well, not explicitly, and when lack of desire or lack of interest in sex is mentioned, it's more in something that can be improved upon or fixed. I don't think this was done intentionally, but for a book that claims everyone is normal, it makes it feel like asexuality is not. Also, I know I am listening a book about woman sexuality, but that includes asexuality and the expression of that as well.

Also, a lot the topics was focused on couples in more monogamous relationships, which again I understand because sex and sex with two people and that being probably what the author felt to be more helpful but I also wished she talked more about single people or people in less traditional relationships.

All in all, this book had some interesting science and helpful knowledge and people thinking about their sexuality and their partner's sexuality and needs . It's a good start.

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