Reviews with content warning for Mental illness - Notes on an Execution

SO GOOD. I've consumed so much true crime and fictional crime content in my life, but I've never come across anything like this. There was something in this book I can't quite explain — an underlying feeling of fear? Hollowness? Darkness? Sadness? A black hole that's slowly lurking towards you, it spies on you behind a corner, and while you can feel its eyes on your back, your only escape is to try to ignore it. There are no words for how this book made me feel, but if it helps, I devoured like 75% of it in one sitting. I physically wasn't able to tear my eyes away, to let go. Quite like the feelings explored in this book — they are there, silently shaping you, whether or not you actually pay attention to them. Such a spectacular, exceptional story. And most importantly, it focuses on what's more important than the glorified image of the 'American serial killer' and his horrifying acts — what about the victims, their families and the justice they deserve? (In no way am I sympathetic towards Ansel, but this book only made me more against the death penalty. Not that he deserves to beg for his life, but that kind of 'justice' is not the one I want from the justice system.)

Content Warnings

james1star's review against another edition

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dark emotional mysterious reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

This book was phenomenal. I would totally recommend this, like honestly wow. So mentally stimulating, encapsulating, gripping and I just could not put it down - although at the same time I didn’t want it to end and revel in the characters and messages and plot, will definitely be giving this a reread to get more out of it.

The plot: Ansel Packer wakes up on the day he is due to be executed and we follow him (from a 2nd person POV = ‘you’) during this day, his thoughts, plans and recollections from his life. Interspersed between these are 3rd person POVs from three women who’s lives were briefly but fundamentally touched by Ansel; his mother Lavender, a fellow child in the same orphanage who later turns out the be the detective who puts him away for serial murders Saffron (Saffy), and the twin sister of his wife Hazel. We get a glimpse into each of their lives as the narrative unfolds from Ansel’s birth to his death, touching on many things and messages.

The pacing is exceptional. The formatting of the chapters and how the plot unfolds and is pieced together is just wow…Perfection! We get enough detail to see the complexity of each character (and peripheral ones too) with just the right amount of intrigue. Whilst you’re following on and reading each perspective, the lives of these other characters are still in the back of your mind, sometimes being touched on in that specific chapter but normally not so. And then when we get back to them, it just all fits so well together literally amazing. You’re not bored at any point, the detail is just the right amount.

I’m not a thriller reader… like at all. The last I read was ‘Paper Ghosts’ and I despised it so I was a bit apprehensive going into this at the start. By oh my lord was I hooked. Right from the start and as it went along, I got more and more invested - truly the epitome of a page turner. The lives of these characters, plot twists (kinda) and the whole atmosphere is truly encapsulating. At many points it felt like I had a fist in my throat, on the verge of tears and goosebumps all over my body. And the twists and revelations are literally jaw dropping at times. The writing is also beautiful and lyrical at points too, not something you’d expect in a book that discusses the themes it does. Most of the violence I guess happens off the page as well, so it’s not too graphic (I’d say these TWs are moderately mentioned: domestic abuse, violence, death, animal death, murder, sex content, mental illness, and grief) which I appreciated. The messages and discussions about this notion of morality, the big ‘what-ifs’ in life, justice, redemption and the death penalty is just agh great. The nuance and multiple perspectives and arguments is very varied, you really are made to think, examine your own philosophies and thoughts and come up with conclusions on your own. Kukafka doesn’t spell it out or spoon feed what she wants you to think or get out of this book, the reader does the investigating, coming to their own conclusions about the right/wrong things. The MC Ansel is not written in an explicitly sympathetic way which I love, further adding nuance and speculation.

Ansel’s Theory at times was a bit over mentioned but did sound very interesting, touching on the notion of choices and memories impacting who we are - which is a mix of good and evil. “Your Theory is more an exploration of the most inherent human truth. No one is all bad. No one is all good. We live as equals in the murky gray between.” “Memory as the thing that makes us individual, as the thing that separates my human consciousness from yours. I have this idea. This theory; I guess. There is no such thing as good or evil. Instead, we have memory and choice, and we all live at various points on the spectrum between. We are created by what has happened to us, combined with who we choose to be.”

My one reservation with this book: the sex scenes were, in my opinion, unnecessary. Thankfully there was only a few but I would say it cheapened these parts. However, they didn’t drag on and were left aside as the book went on. Certainly not enough to negate the full 5 stars this book deserves.

Some great quotes that stood out to me:

“… the intoxicating unknown that sits always between two people.”

“The elephant has a psychopath smile, alive in one moment, just an impression in the next.” - damp patch on cell ceiling

“It was irresistible: the almost.”

“She cried for the things she had wanted, which she couldn't even picture anymore. It was like she'd held her own desire too long in the palm of her hand and it was now just an object, devoid of meaning, useless and taking up space.”

“I wonder about choices. How we resent them, and how we regret them even as we watch them grow.”

“Thought is the purest thing you can leave behind.”

“Love was a thing that could move you and change you, Saffy knew, a mysterious force that made you different and better and warmer and whole.”

“Joy is a cousin of love, you read once. If you cannot feel love, there is at least this weaker relative, tantalizing in memory.”

“Grief was a hole. A portal to nothing… It was a shock of blinding sun. A burst of remembering: sandals on pavement, a sleepy back seat, nails painted on the bathroom floor. Grief was a loneliness that felt like a planet.”

“It was an ambitious concept, justice. The idea that your lot in life could be based on your own choices.”

“The past was a thing you could open like a box, gaze down on with starry eyes. But it was too dangerous to step inside.”

“The future was a mystery, unknowable.”

“… the good parts of the story are nowhere near the end.”

“It would be a tragedy… if we were defined only by the things we left behind.”

Content Warnings

kuroislittle's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional mysterious reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.75

I would like to give this a 4.8 or 4.9, but since it's .25 increments, I'm rating it a 4.75.
I thought this was a very interesting and thought-provoking book. It really explored the concept of justice and what feeling there is left from human justice. I also thought this was an overall exploration of the feelings we don't always talk about, the murky, hard to pin emotions that can't easily be named. It made me feel empty and hollow, but not from dissatisfaction. I really enjoyed this read. No, the empty hollow feeling came from what they wrote and the characters themselves. When you run after something for so long, to the point that you've lost yourself completely, that's the feeling I feel the author invoked.
I only take a few points off since it lagged at times, but I was really rushing through this read because it gave me a lot of questions.
I also think this was a lot more realistic and I think that added to the emotions. I feel like a lot of times events can take on this almost fable-like quality where it never seems real, but in this book you see a man. Not a "serial killer", but a man who may or may not have feelings and if he does (I read it as he does), then he doesn't know how to use them, what to do about them, and was just unlucky in his life situation. His mother's choices were shocking, but also not really. In some ways, her choices almost seemed too normal, yet those choices still helped create the "monster" who is just as weak and helpless as anyone else. Killing people doesn't put him on mythic levels in this book. To be able to look at a murderer and see how pathetic he is, I think that's powerful and I'm pretty sure that was the author's intention too if you look it up. Americans really glorify serial killers and this does (almost entirely) the opposite.
Highly recommend.

Content Warnings

alexisgarcia's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional reflective tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

i absolutely loved this. it was so introspective, i loved how the author did not lead you to believe one way or another. they simply told a story, and you can take it as you want. i loved the multiple POV’s and how they all related to the death row inmate. the ending was so beautiful.

Content Warnings

book_reader_lover's review against another edition

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dark emotional tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

Even though I am sick, I read this book in a day. Had I felt better I would have finished it in half a day. I love True Crime and this book, even though entirely fiction, reads as that genre.

Saffaron and Ansley both grew up in foster care. One rises through the ranks of the NYHP, the other is on death row. This book goes through the last day of Ansley's life. It looks at all the women, who have taken some part in his life.

It is heart wrenching, realistic and shows the choices we make in our life ultimately define us. I would pass it if you like happy endings, or genres other than suspense, crime, or true crime. ‼️There is violence toward women‼️

😊 Happy Reading 📚😊

Content Warnings

lindsayerin's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional mysterious sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

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