You need to sign in or sign up before continuing.
Take a photo of a barcode or cover
133 reviews for:
You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption
Angela Tucker
4.55 AVERAGE
133 reviews for:
You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption
Angela Tucker
4.55 AVERAGE
When I first saw this title, I knew I had to read this book. Our son is a transracial adoptee and I believe my responsibility to continue to learning how to better support him in his identity development is one that will never be complete but I'll keep trying! Angela's story is centered in this book (as it should be) but along the way she beautifully weaves research, anecdotes she's learned in her work as a member of an adoption agency, and her experience as the receiver of seemingly endless microaggressions. I liked learning about Angela's families throughout this book and also enjoyed the way she expanded my vocabulary by sharing words I'd never heard before and even one she made up! That was a totally unexpected twist of this book that was appreciated.
Through my own lens as a disabled woman, there were parts I could relate to with my own vertical identity formation as a disabled person in a family composed of all nondisabled people. I'm visibly different from my family, don't resemble them much physically, and also receive similar comments at times based on disability. Still, I understand how this is markedly different because I don't have the preverbal trauma associated with separation from my family and have a number of other privileges associated with remaining with my birth family. If I had one critique, I was eager for Angela to explore the disability aspect more. Her mom made a comment indicating that disability played a role in her decisions but it was explored further. I also hear and reflect on Angela's thoughts about the potential discontinuation of international adoption but I'm left unsure what to think about the many kids with disabilities who reside in these institutions (both outside our country and within). The UN Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities guarantees all children live with families. An aspirational goal that is an important one. Is there a place for transracial adoption in this context? I absolutely believe adoptive parents should be required to demonstrate their commitment to support their transracially adopted child's racial identity more than they are currently required. Our family's training as required by the agency was only over the course of a few hours reading somewhat outdated articles. We received zero training on raising a child to have a strong disability identity, which is an aspect entirely overlooked it seems in both domestic and international adoption. I was sad this book was over and truly grateful to have learned from Angela.
Through my own lens as a disabled woman, there were parts I could relate to with my own vertical identity formation as a disabled person in a family composed of all nondisabled people. I'm visibly different from my family, don't resemble them much physically, and also receive similar comments at times based on disability. Still, I understand how this is markedly different because I don't have the preverbal trauma associated with separation from my family and have a number of other privileges associated with remaining with my birth family. If I had one critique, I was eager for Angela to explore the disability aspect more. Her mom made a comment indicating that disability played a role in her decisions but it was explored further. I also hear and reflect on Angela's thoughts about the potential discontinuation of international adoption but I'm left unsure what to think about the many kids with disabilities who reside in these institutions (both outside our country and within). The UN Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities guarantees all children live with families. An aspirational goal that is an important one. Is there a place for transracial adoption in this context? I absolutely believe adoptive parents should be required to demonstrate their commitment to support their transracially adopted child's racial identity more than they are currently required. Our family's training as required by the agency was only over the course of a few hours reading somewhat outdated articles. We received zero training on raising a child to have a strong disability identity, which is an aspect entirely overlooked it seems in both domestic and international adoption. I was sad this book was over and truly grateful to have learned from Angela.
Adoption touches so many lives! Mine (both professionally and personally) as well as many of the people I love and those I work with! Thank you Angela Tucker for sharing the intimate details of your adoption, your adoption search and ultimately your worldview! I appreciate all I’ve learned by reading this book!
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
So often we rely on the opinions of “experts” on topics. The true experts aren’t those who have dedicated their life studying a subject, but those who live the subject and take the time to identify the causes, consequences, and areas of opportunity. Angela Tucker is a transracial adoptee. She now counsels and assists those in the transracial adoption community. Her story, perspective, and recommendations to improve a broken system are highly valuable.
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
This was a very honest and personal account from an adoptee incorporating stories from other adoptees, transracial and international adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents. Tucker is incredibly knowledgeable about the different complexities involved in adoption and how it's viewed socially. I appreciated how much of this book centered the harsh realities for adoptees.
I found this book on a rec list for books about similar subject matter to We Were Once a Family. I found this book explained slang and terminology in a way that was a bit more clinical than I preferred personally, but this book was clearly geared towards and audience who was brand new to thinking about these topics. Terminology like the paper bag test and CPT are defined as academically as the various psychological theories discussed. I'd say it was pretty beginner friendly.
This story is a mix of Angela Tucker's experience searching for her birth parents and the stories of various adoptees Tucker mentors. It was so interesting to get all the different perspectives. I realized I, too, had never given much thought to the birth fathers. When these stories are told, they're virtually irrelevant. I agree that, while sometimes included, we also don't see a lot of perspectives about the birth mother. Even in entertainment, if the story is about a woman giving up a child, it also somehow centers the adoptive parents. I'm glad, with the help of social media, we're seeing more of a focus on adoptees.
This book along with We Were Once a Family emphasizes the injustice that is our government allowing for several thousands of dollars to go into adoption, but refusing to put more support systems in place to help impoverished mothers keep their children. The racial bias towards seeing removal of children of color as "saving" them plays out in the adoption stories we see glorified all the time, fictional or real.
This book doesn't posit a ton of solutions per se: Tucker acknowledges that the social workers' hands are tied as there's only so much they can do to try to encourage adoptive parents to maintain a relationship with the birth family. I don't know how much you an actually stipulate in an open adoption agreement. I've noticed several adoptive parents on TikTok respond to posts encouraging open adoptions with comments about their fears regarding the birth families. I don't think we'll ever really know how many of those are valid concerns or these parents' fears of their children getting to know their birth family and potentially "lessening" their attachment to their adoptive parents.
There were minor moments throughout the book that read more like a textbook and took me out of the book just a bit. Again, it's a personal thing for me - I'm positive it was meant to be more accessible to readers without a background in psych or sociology. Overall, I think this was a great read, especially for anyone interested in adopting someday. I personally am not, but I learned a lot about the ways in which simple terminology can cause harm. In reading the various, very cringe worthy, ways people spoke about adoption to or around adoptees, it was eye opening.
I found this book on a rec list for books about similar subject matter to We Were Once a Family. I found this book explained slang and terminology in a way that was a bit more clinical than I preferred personally, but this book was clearly geared towards and audience who was brand new to thinking about these topics. Terminology like the paper bag test and CPT are defined as academically as the various psychological theories discussed. I'd say it was pretty beginner friendly.
This story is a mix of Angela Tucker's experience searching for her birth parents and the stories of various adoptees Tucker mentors. It was so interesting to get all the different perspectives. I realized I, too, had never given much thought to the birth fathers. When these stories are told, they're virtually irrelevant. I agree that, while sometimes included, we also don't see a lot of perspectives about the birth mother. Even in entertainment, if the story is about a woman giving up a child, it also somehow centers the adoptive parents. I'm glad, with the help of social media, we're seeing more of a focus on adoptees.
This book along with We Were Once a Family emphasizes the injustice that is our government allowing for several thousands of dollars to go into adoption, but refusing to put more support systems in place to help impoverished mothers keep their children. The racial bias towards seeing removal of children of color as "saving" them plays out in the adoption stories we see glorified all the time, fictional or real.
This book doesn't posit a ton of solutions per se: Tucker acknowledges that the social workers' hands are tied as there's only so much they can do to try to encourage adoptive parents to maintain a relationship with the birth family. I don't know how much you an actually stipulate in an open adoption agreement. I've noticed several adoptive parents on TikTok respond to posts encouraging open adoptions with comments about their fears regarding the birth families. I don't think we'll ever really know how many of those are valid concerns or these parents' fears of their children getting to know their birth family and potentially "lessening" their attachment to their adoptive parents.
There were minor moments throughout the book that read more like a textbook and took me out of the book just a bit. Again, it's a personal thing for me - I'm positive it was meant to be more accessible to readers without a background in psych or sociology. Overall, I think this was a great read, especially for anyone interested in adopting someday. I personally am not, but I learned a lot about the ways in which simple terminology can cause harm. In reading the various, very cringe worthy, ways people spoke about adoption to or around adoptees, it was eye opening.
"White families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."
"Most of the losses we experience in life require little explanation and are universally recognized. A loved one was among us - and then they weren't. They were breathing and now they aren't. We assemble a ceremony or ritual to mark the loss. We miss them, mourn for them, and are comforted by others who understand and may grieve with us. Over time, the sadness over their absence, while it may never evaporate, dissipates. But some loss is less clear, even more distressing, and may last forever. It's ambiguous........Ambiguous losses are the most devastating and traumatizing of losses because sufferers must live with ambiguity that might stay with them throughout their lives."
Regarding adoption: "We simply cannot know what life would've been. It's so tempting to simplify the complex. But when we do that, someone gets hurt. Hiding the complexity of the results of my adoption asks me to pay a high price."
"Most of the losses we experience in life require little explanation and are universally recognized. A loved one was among us - and then they weren't. They were breathing and now they aren't. We assemble a ceremony or ritual to mark the loss. We miss them, mourn for them, and are comforted by others who understand and may grieve with us. Over time, the sadness over their absence, while it may never evaporate, dissipates. But some loss is less clear, even more distressing, and may last forever. It's ambiguous........Ambiguous losses are the most devastating and traumatizing of losses because sufferers must live with ambiguity that might stay with them throughout their lives."
Regarding adoption: "We simply cannot know what life would've been. It's so tempting to simplify the complex. But when we do that, someone gets hurt. Hiding the complexity of the results of my adoption asks me to pay a high price."
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
Must read for adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents to help center adoptee voices. Gentle, accessible, thoughtful.
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced