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2.14 AVERAGE
2.14 AVERAGE
A masterpiece. Everything that could be wrong is. It is truly an accomplishment to miss the mark on every possible point.
Atrocious spelling and grammar aside, the writing is just plain bad. You could remake the thesaurus with all the unnecessary descriptors thrown in, since every noun seems to have a modifier. And there's an odd preoccupation with specifying right versus left. It gets so bogged down that you sometimes have to pause and ask yourself what the hell just happened. I read this aloud with a friend and it is so difficult to not laugh or stumble over your words since nothing flows naturally.
10/10 would laugh at again. Well done, Jimmy T.
Atrocious spelling and grammar aside, the writing is just plain bad. You could remake the thesaurus with all the unnecessary descriptors thrown in, since every noun seems to have a modifier. And there's an odd preoccupation with specifying right versus left. It gets so bogged down that you sometimes have to pause and ask yourself what the hell just happened. I read this aloud with a friend and it is so difficult to not laugh or stumble over your words since nothing flows naturally.
10/10 would laugh at again. Well done, Jimmy T.
Fantastically bad. I don't know that it's possible to intentionally produce something this awful. This mess could only be spawned by a serendipitous combination of earnestness and ineptness. Ignorance of how to write prose or structure a story is paired with a generous helping of juvenility and sexism. The numerous errors of spelling, grammar, and word usage are icing on the cake. It's too bad Goodreads only allows you to give a single rating; this manages to be a one and five star read simultaneously.
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Scan of original mimeographed version available here.
Select quotes:
"'From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?' Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth. The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest."
"With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson."
"Grignr gasped as he observed the bisected face set in its leering death agonies"
Convenient formats available here.
Scan of original mimeographed version available here.
Select quotes:
Spoiler
"Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.""'From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?' Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth. The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest."
"With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson."
"Grignr gasped as he observed the bisected face set in its leering death agonies"
This is one of the worst fantasy books I have read, but its really dumb stupid fun that cannot be replicated
funny
lighthearted
fast-paced
Plot or Character Driven:
Character
Strong character development:
No
Loveable characters:
No
Diverse cast of characters:
No
Flaws of characters a main focus:
No
A breathtaking masterwork of whimsicorically astounding beauty. My orb-shaped organs of sight could not believe their good fortune when I began reading this epic tale. We follow Grignr, the constantly bounding, rippling, barbarian slut through many a limb removal and rat crushing. I laughed bustily and uproariously throughout?
What. The. Heck. One question: is this satire? If it is, a solid three stars for an amusing but tiring amount of adjectives and adverbs. Otherwise...well, save yourself and say no by reading quotes from some of the other reviews instead.
I actually read this monstrosity with my hazel orbs of sight. Laughed so hard I saw Mrifk.
This book tastes like the infamous Jones Soda Holiday Pack. You know what you’re getting into, you expect it to be terrible, however, surprise! It's even more terrible than you though it could be.
For a while Jones Soda would create limited edition holiday packs, filled with sodas flavors “Turkey & Gravy,” “Brussel Sprout,” “Wild Herb Stuffing,” etc. They were incredibly popular and quickly sold out, not because people thought that these sodas would actually be delightful to try. People bought them to say they actually tried them and to proudly tell friends the soda was as bad as it sounded. Which is the perfect lead in to The Eye of Argon.
At this point, you don’t stumble across The Eye of Argon and think, “This looks like a delightful read!” You’ve heard that’s it’s awful. You’ve heard that it was written by a sixteen year old boy who didn’t believe in correcting misspellings and terrible grammar. A sixteen year old that was armed with an idea, a love of epic Sword and Sorcery, and a thesaurus. If the trusty thesaurus failed him, that was the time just to make up words. Maybe you even heard that it was read aloud at Science Fiction conventions until the reader couldn’t keep a straight face, then it was passed to the next, until THEY couldn’t keep a straight face. Yes, one does not just simply stumble into reading The Eye of Argon.
So I dove in, full knowing the history, but until you actually taste Brussel Sprout soda, you don’t realize the full horror. Oh my… The… words… There are SO many words in this story. So very many words. They are squished into sentences until they don’t resemble any sentences you may have known. They words ooze over everything describing even descriptors. I had to reread passages to try and figure out what I had just read. I promise you, you may think you’re prepared to read The Eye of Argon, you are not. I feel each person who reads it will indeed feel a special bond with other readers, and each will come away with a different idea of what the worst part of reading it. The story itself is very Conan the Barbarian, where barbarians are strong, wild, and free, the women are busty, and the world is there to oppress this free spirit out for adventure, but again, you’re not reading it for the plot.
I can’t recommend this as an actual book to read, I can recommend it to comfort you in the fact that (hopefully) your High School writings never got published. I’d like to give a big shout-out to my sixteen year old self for a) having written better things than this (seriously, I recently found some stuff while moving and it was pretty cringe worthy, but not this near this level) and b) knowing the importance of spelling and grammar (shout-out to my High School english teacher Ms. Williams here.) At the same time, shout-out Jim Theis for having the courage to submit his writing to OSFAN. 1 star for the story, 5 stars for the lolz! Read The Eye of Argon for free, at linkhttps://ansible.uk/misc/eyeargon.html.
For a while Jones Soda would create limited edition holiday packs, filled with sodas flavors “Turkey & Gravy,” “Brussel Sprout,” “Wild Herb Stuffing,” etc. They were incredibly popular and quickly sold out, not because people thought that these sodas would actually be delightful to try. People bought them to say they actually tried them and to proudly tell friends the soda was as bad as it sounded. Which is the perfect lead in to The Eye of Argon.
At this point, you don’t stumble across The Eye of Argon and think, “This looks like a delightful read!” You’ve heard that’s it’s awful. You’ve heard that it was written by a sixteen year old boy who didn’t believe in correcting misspellings and terrible grammar. A sixteen year old that was armed with an idea, a love of epic Sword and Sorcery, and a thesaurus. If the trusty thesaurus failed him, that was the time just to make up words. Maybe you even heard that it was read aloud at Science Fiction conventions until the reader couldn’t keep a straight face, then it was passed to the next, until THEY couldn’t keep a straight face. Yes, one does not just simply stumble into reading The Eye of Argon.
So I dove in, full knowing the history, but until you actually taste Brussel Sprout soda, you don’t realize the full horror. Oh my… The… words… There are SO many words in this story. So very many words. They are squished into sentences until they don’t resemble any sentences you may have known. They words ooze over everything describing even descriptors. I had to reread passages to try and figure out what I had just read. I promise you, you may think you’re prepared to read The Eye of Argon, you are not. I feel each person who reads it will indeed feel a special bond with other readers, and each will come away with a different idea of what the worst part of reading it. The story itself is very Conan the Barbarian, where barbarians are strong, wild, and free, the women are busty, and the world is there to oppress this free spirit out for adventure, but again, you’re not reading it for the plot.
I can’t recommend this as an actual book to read, I can recommend it to comfort you in the fact that (hopefully) your High School writings never got published. I’d like to give a big shout-out to my sixteen year old self for a) having written better things than this (seriously, I recently found some stuff while moving and it was pretty cringe worthy, but not this near this level) and b) knowing the importance of spelling and grammar (shout-out to my High School english teacher Ms. Williams here.) At the same time, shout-out Jim Theis for having the courage to submit his writing to OSFAN. 1 star for the story, 5 stars for the lolz! Read The Eye of Argon for free, at linkhttps://ansible.uk/misc/eyeargon.html.