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skypes's review
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Rape and Ableism
rmclark25's review against another edition
5.0
I first heard about this novel after watching the documentary of the same name on a whim and being absolutely captivated! The content resonated with me personally and professionally. I immediately searched to see if this book was available through my library (fortunately it was), because I wanted more. This was the longest audiobook I have ever listened to by far (41 hours). I can't even imagine the commitment it was for Andrew Solomon to take on researching and writing this novel, but it is such a gift to this world. I would recommend this book to anyone thinking about having children (or honestly just anyone in general). I learned SO much, which is saying a lot as I am professionally trained in and have experience working with families and children with some of the disabilities outlined in this book. It truly opened my eyes to exceptional circumstances that these families faced and introduced new perspectives and thought processes I had never even considered. I can't stress enough how impactful this book was. I seriously could not shut up about it when I was reading it, and I still think about it weeks after finishing it.
dobbydoo22's review against another edition
4.0
Denser than I expected, but full of information and insights into lives that most of us couldn't imagine living. Solomon did exhaustive research and interviews for each chapter, and the book is full of both scientific information and case studies for the conditions that he discusses--ranging from deafness and dwarfism to schizophrenia and transgender. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need some perspective on just how lucky most of us are in our lives, this book will do it.
lajacquerie's review against another edition
5.0
There's no denying that this book is a marathon; at just over 700 pages of text broken up into only 12 chapters, it takes time. But Solomon's writing is so fluid and the way that he weaves his observations in between the stories he's collected in 10 years of research makes it clear that there are few breaks for a reason.
So, gird yourself. This is a hard book because it talks about some of the most challenging situations anyone will have to face: being a parent. And he doesn't talk to just any parents, but those of deaf, dwarf, Down's, autistic, schizophrenic, severely disabled, prodigious, criminal, and transgender children, and of those born of rape (I think Solomon intentionally added a chapter on prodigies just to keep our spirits up midway through the book). It's an incredible exploration of the parent-child relationship and the ways both parties influence each other, for better and worse. There are some particular themes that I found fascinating in here and will probably be discussing with friends for weeks to come:
1) Many of the groups listed above are given a label that originally had negative (and often medical) origins. However, they do not necessarily see this part of their identity as a negative, but merely a integral part of their who they are to be accepted by others. In some cases, these elements are seen as positives (for instance, the incredible talents that some autistic people possess). So, there is a push to abandon that label and its pejorative meaning. However, any accommodations given by society are often only extended once the label is claimed; indeed, the existence of such a label is often crucial for acceptance and/or survival (accommodation for the deaf and disabled may be obvious, but there are other applicable situations as well; for instance, one cannot be protected from transgender discrimination if there is not first a definition of transgender in place). Solomon asks us when, and if, a world can exist where society can accommodate all, but these labels need not be used and then lose their meaning.
2) Great advances in technology and medicine have made it ever more possible for many of these groups to live more full and productive lives (especially compared to earlier eras' practice of institutionalization). However, that same technology and knowledge is sometimes used to terminate births of such people before they are born, or to amend their bodies (ex: cochlear implants) after birth. Will these advances, boons to the existing societies of these people, eventually preclude the continuance of that society?
3)This isn't so much of an argument; I feel there were more points to make, but sometimes that slips away in the course of writing these. Despite that, one of the most stupidly simple and profound realizations that parents share in this book is to simply love your child as is, and to allow yourself to realize that their happiness is what is most important to you. There are certain things we need to tell ourselves repeatedly, time and again, because they are so simple we might forget. DFW tells us, "This is water." Solomon tells us, "Love people for who they are, and desire for them to be happy." Those are the keys to being a good person, right there.
The final section includes one of the most beautiful descriptions of birth, parenthood, and family that I have ever read and made me tear up on my lunch break. Upon learning that his newborn son might have suffered brain trauma at birth, Solomon writes, "I looked at George and knew I loved him by how hard I suddenly tried not to love him;" this kind of unadorned but beautiful writing carries through the book and is at its best here in describing the terrifying, uplifting, frustrating, joyous, uncomfortable, inexplicable act of being a parent. Solomon mentions that writing this book made him feel all the more acutely the many ways having a child could go "wrong;" it made me feel the same way. But his ability to put into words the baffling love parents have for their children, and his description of feeling that same unwavering love, made me feel all the more confident that if/when the time comes, I'll love beyond all complications too.
You know books don't get 5 stars from me unless they fundamentally alter how I perceive something, and this book has done that - it has given me incredible insight into these various communities, into the relationship between parents and children in general, and has shifted my automatic reflexes towards conditions/disabilities/diagnoses/those who are different from me (and how I imagine they see themselves!) in a very deep way. I wish I could get my mom to read this one and see what she has to say about it. =)
So, gird yourself. This is a hard book because it talks about some of the most challenging situations anyone will have to face: being a parent. And he doesn't talk to just any parents, but those of deaf, dwarf, Down's, autistic, schizophrenic, severely disabled, prodigious, criminal, and transgender children, and of those born of rape (I think Solomon intentionally added a chapter on prodigies just to keep our spirits up midway through the book). It's an incredible exploration of the parent-child relationship and the ways both parties influence each other, for better and worse. There are some particular themes that I found fascinating in here and will probably be discussing with friends for weeks to come:
1) Many of the groups listed above are given a label that originally had negative (and often medical) origins. However, they do not necessarily see this part of their identity as a negative, but merely a integral part of their who they are to be accepted by others. In some cases, these elements are seen as positives (for instance, the incredible talents that some autistic people possess). So, there is a push to abandon that label and its pejorative meaning. However, any accommodations given by society are often only extended once the label is claimed; indeed, the existence of such a label is often crucial for acceptance and/or survival (accommodation for the deaf and disabled may be obvious, but there are other applicable situations as well; for instance, one cannot be protected from transgender discrimination if there is not first a definition of transgender in place). Solomon asks us when, and if, a world can exist where society can accommodate all, but these labels need not be used and then lose their meaning.
2) Great advances in technology and medicine have made it ever more possible for many of these groups to live more full and productive lives (especially compared to earlier eras' practice of institutionalization). However, that same technology and knowledge is sometimes used to terminate births of such people before they are born, or to amend their bodies (ex: cochlear implants) after birth. Will these advances, boons to the existing societies of these people, eventually preclude the continuance of that society?
3)This isn't so much of an argument; I feel there were more points to make, but sometimes that slips away in the course of writing these. Despite that, one of the most stupidly simple and profound realizations that parents share in this book is to simply love your child as is, and to allow yourself to realize that their happiness is what is most important to you. There are certain things we need to tell ourselves repeatedly, time and again, because they are so simple we might forget. DFW tells us, "This is water." Solomon tells us, "Love people for who they are, and desire for them to be happy." Those are the keys to being a good person, right there.
The final section includes one of the most beautiful descriptions of birth, parenthood, and family that I have ever read and made me tear up on my lunch break. Upon learning that his newborn son might have suffered brain trauma at birth, Solomon writes, "I looked at George and knew I loved him by how hard I suddenly tried not to love him;" this kind of unadorned but beautiful writing carries through the book and is at its best here in describing the terrifying, uplifting, frustrating, joyous, uncomfortable, inexplicable act of being a parent. Solomon mentions that writing this book made him feel all the more acutely the many ways having a child could go "wrong;" it made me feel the same way. But his ability to put into words the baffling love parents have for their children, and his description of feeling that same unwavering love, made me feel all the more confident that if/when the time comes, I'll love beyond all complications too.
You know books don't get 5 stars from me unless they fundamentally alter how I perceive something, and this book has done that - it has given me incredible insight into these various communities, into the relationship between parents and children in general, and has shifted my automatic reflexes towards conditions/disabilities/diagnoses/those who are different from me (and how I imagine they see themselves!) in a very deep way. I wish I could get my mom to read this one and see what she has to say about it. =)
rachelthecrook's review against another edition
5.0
I am gutted that I finally finished this book - it's a beautiful ode to love in difficult circumstances.
cassandralovesfeta's review against another edition
4.0
Fascinating read. The chapters on the deaf community and prodigies were intriguing and insightful. The book really makes you realize how big an impact parents have on their children.
xfallenxnightx's review
Was only reading for a specific section for school. This book is great though!
char_a_lot_te's review
5.0
I read the young adult version.
Regardless, beautiful piece about differences and love but isn't afraid to be honest either. I learnt quite a bit
Regardless, beautiful piece about differences and love but isn't afraid to be honest either. I learnt quite a bit
hepalmer's review against another edition
5.0
This is an absolutely extraordinary book. Absolutely loved it. A difficult read at times - about difference, diversity, different types of ability. But mostly about families, love, hardship, joy. Learnt a lot about different communities - the social scientist geek in me loved it. The mother in me is grateful for my own family. Highly recommended. Will be re-reading.
bluestarfish's review against another edition
4.0
I brought this book up in conversation several times when I was reading it with a whole variety of people as it is such an interesting subject for research and lent itself to discussion on a whole manner of things. The amount of research gone into this book (interviewing hundreds of families over a decade) is impressive and Andrew Solomon's skill at interviewing people and getting them to share their family's, or their own, story allows for the most interesting parts of the book. Each chapter focuses on a different difference some of which I knew more about and others where I learnt a lot. (I was astounded to learn that the Holland story was written by a real person and not just an internet thing!) Love is amazing. I was also really depressed at times reading this about the lack of support some families and individuals face: hard work being made even harder. But people are amazing. I didn't always agree with everything Andrew Solomon was saying, nor would I expect to in such a massive tome covering so many different subjects, but kudos for raising as many questions as he did and providing a fascinating read.