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4.24 AVERAGE
4.24 AVERAGE
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
Favorite part “Short note, that when Ellen was a kindergartener, I got this great email from her kindergarten teacher that said, “Oh. Totally the daughter of a shame researcher. Today, she was in the Glitter Center. And I said, ‘Ellen, you’re so messy.’ And she sat straight up and said, ‘I may be making a mess, but I’m not messy.'”
Also Shame: “I am bad.” Guilt: “I did something bad.” Humiliation, similar to shame, but “I didn’t deserve it.”
Also Shame: “I am bad.” Guilt: “I did something bad.” Humiliation, similar to shame, but “I didn’t deserve it.”
reflective
medium-paced
It’s a fair update on “The Gifts of Imperfection”, her piece on foreboding joy was my personal favorite
definitely one of those that i'm going to be going back to many times over the years.
Galvanizing, affirming, epiphany-inducing; read it now!
Quotes I like:
Foreboding joy:
"She's increasingly afraid to try new things, especially when her life is going well. She tells me she doesn't want to tempt fate. A man in his early sixties told me, 'I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way if it happened, you were prepared. And if it didn't happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then, I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn't prepare me at all. And worst, I still grieve for all those wonderful moments we shared that I didn't fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that I know how to do that." Chapter 4
"It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappoint rather than set up camp there... We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don't want to be caught off guard so we literally practice being devastated." Chapter 4
"For those welcoming the experience [of joy], the shudder of vulnerability that accompanies joy is an invitation to practice gratitude. To acknowledge how truly grateful we are for the person, the beauty, the connection, or simply the moment before us. Gratitude is the antidote to foreboding joy." Chapter 4
"Participants described happiness as an emotion connected to circumstances. They described joy as a spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected with practicing gratitude." Chapter 4
"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not healthy achievement or growth. Perfectionism is a defense move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is not self improvement. Perfectionism is at its core about trying to earn approval... Healthy striving is self-focused. 'How can I improve?' Perfectionism is other-focused. 'What will people think?' ... Where we struggle with perfectionism is where we struggle with shame... Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings and blame, judgement or shame.'" Chapter 4
"I remind myself don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." (This is attributed to Voltaire) Chapter 4
"Lawyers--an example of a profession largely trained in a win or lose, succeed or fail--have outcomes that are not much better. The American Bar Association reports that suicides among lawyers are close to four times greater than the rate of the general population. An American Bar Association journal article reports that experts on lawyer depression and substance abuse attributed the higher suicide rates to lawyers' perfectionism and their need to be aggressive and emotionally detached." Chapter 4
"The heart of valuable feedback is taking the strengths perspective. Viewing performance from the strengths perspective offers us the opportunity to examine our struggles in the light of our capacities, talents, competencies, possibilities, visions, values, and hopes. This perspective doesn't dismiss the serious nature of our struggles. However, it does require us to consider our positive qualities as potential resources. It is as wrong to deny the possible as it is to deny the problem." Chapter 6
"When I feel self-righteous, this means I'm afraid. It's a way to puff up and protect myself when I'm afraid of being wrong, making someone angry, or getting blamed." Chapter 6
"The Engaged Feedback Checklist:
I know I'm ready to give feedback when...
-I'm ready to sit next to you rather than across from you
-I'm willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us or sliding it toward you
-I'm ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue
-I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes
-I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges
-I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you
-I'm willing to own my part
-I can genuinely thank you for your efforts, rather than just criticize you for your failings
-I can talk about how to resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity
-I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you" Chapter 6
"By definition, entrepreneurship is vulnerable. It's all about the ability to handle and manage uncertainty. People are constantly changing. Budgets change. Boards change. Competition means you have to be nimble and innovative. You have to create a vision and live up to that vision." Chapter 6
"I don't know. I need help. I'd like to give it a shot. It's important to me. I disagree - can we talk about it? It didn't work, but I learned a lot. Yes, I did that. Here's what I need. Here's how I feel. I'd like some feedback. Can I get your take on this? What can I do better next time? Can you teach me how to do this? I played a part in that. I accept responsibility for that. I'm here for you. I want to help. Let's move on. I'm sorry. That means a lot to me. Thank you." Chapter 6
"Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. It's uncomfortable to stand up in front of strangers. It's uncomfortable to propose an idea that might fail. It's uncomfortable to challenge the status quo. It's uncomfortable to resist the urge to settle." (Tribes)
"One of the very best pieces of parenting advice I ever received was from Tony Morrison... Miss Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, 'Does your face light up?' She explained, 'When my children used to walk into the room when they were little, I used at look at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or their socks were up. You think your affection and deep love is on display because you are caring for them. It's not. When they see you, they see the critical face: 'What's wrong now?'' Her advice was simple, but paradigm shifting for me. She said, 'Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room, my face says, 'I'm glad to see them.' It's just as small as that, you see.'" Chapter 7
"One of the groups said belonging is being somewhere where you want to be and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don't care one way or the other. Another group said belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Another group said 'I get to be me-I belong. I have to be like you to fit in." Chapter 7
"Jimmy Grace, a priest from our Episcopal church recently gave a sermon on the nature of sacrifice, and it totally shifted how I think about parenting. He explained that in its original Latin form, 'sacrifice' means to make sacred or to make holy. I wholeheartedly believe that when we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, and messy it is, we are creating something sacred." Chapter 7
"Rescuing and intervening [on behalf of our children] is dangerous... Hope is a function of struggle. If we want our children to develop high levels of hopefulness, we have to let them struggle." Chapter 7
Foreboding joy:
"She's increasingly afraid to try new things, especially when her life is going well. She tells me she doesn't want to tempt fate. A man in his early sixties told me, 'I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way if it happened, you were prepared. And if it didn't happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then, I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn't prepare me at all. And worst, I still grieve for all those wonderful moments we shared that I didn't fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that I know how to do that." Chapter 4
"It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappoint rather than set up camp there... We're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don't want to be caught off guard so we literally practice being devastated." Chapter 4
"For those welcoming the experience [of joy], the shudder of vulnerability that accompanies joy is an invitation to practice gratitude. To acknowledge how truly grateful we are for the person, the beauty, the connection, or simply the moment before us. Gratitude is the antidote to foreboding joy." Chapter 4
"Participants described happiness as an emotion connected to circumstances. They described joy as a spiritual way of engaging with the world that's connected with practicing gratitude." Chapter 4
"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not healthy achievement or growth. Perfectionism is a defense move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is not self improvement. Perfectionism is at its core about trying to earn approval... Healthy striving is self-focused. 'How can I improve?' Perfectionism is other-focused. 'What will people think?' ... Where we struggle with perfectionism is where we struggle with shame... Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings and blame, judgement or shame.'" Chapter 4
"I remind myself don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." (This is attributed to Voltaire) Chapter 4
"Lawyers--an example of a profession largely trained in a win or lose, succeed or fail--have outcomes that are not much better. The American Bar Association reports that suicides among lawyers are close to four times greater than the rate of the general population. An American Bar Association journal article reports that experts on lawyer depression and substance abuse attributed the higher suicide rates to lawyers' perfectionism and their need to be aggressive and emotionally detached." Chapter 4
"The heart of valuable feedback is taking the strengths perspective. Viewing performance from the strengths perspective offers us the opportunity to examine our struggles in the light of our capacities, talents, competencies, possibilities, visions, values, and hopes. This perspective doesn't dismiss the serious nature of our struggles. However, it does require us to consider our positive qualities as potential resources. It is as wrong to deny the possible as it is to deny the problem." Chapter 6
"When I feel self-righteous, this means I'm afraid. It's a way to puff up and protect myself when I'm afraid of being wrong, making someone angry, or getting blamed." Chapter 6
"The Engaged Feedback Checklist:
I know I'm ready to give feedback when...
-I'm ready to sit next to you rather than across from you
-I'm willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us or sliding it toward you
-I'm ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue
-I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes
-I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges
-I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you
-I'm willing to own my part
-I can genuinely thank you for your efforts, rather than just criticize you for your failings
-I can talk about how to resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity
-I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you" Chapter 6
"By definition, entrepreneurship is vulnerable. It's all about the ability to handle and manage uncertainty. People are constantly changing. Budgets change. Boards change. Competition means you have to be nimble and innovative. You have to create a vision and live up to that vision." Chapter 6
"I don't know. I need help. I'd like to give it a shot. It's important to me. I disagree - can we talk about it? It didn't work, but I learned a lot. Yes, I did that. Here's what I need. Here's how I feel. I'd like some feedback. Can I get your take on this? What can I do better next time? Can you teach me how to do this? I played a part in that. I accept responsibility for that. I'm here for you. I want to help. Let's move on. I'm sorry. That means a lot to me. Thank you." Chapter 6
"Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. It's uncomfortable to stand up in front of strangers. It's uncomfortable to propose an idea that might fail. It's uncomfortable to challenge the status quo. It's uncomfortable to resist the urge to settle." (Tribes)
"One of the very best pieces of parenting advice I ever received was from Tony Morrison... Miss Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, 'Does your face light up?' She explained, 'When my children used to walk into the room when they were little, I used at look at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or their socks were up. You think your affection and deep love is on display because you are caring for them. It's not. When they see you, they see the critical face: 'What's wrong now?'' Her advice was simple, but paradigm shifting for me. She said, 'Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room, my face says, 'I'm glad to see them.' It's just as small as that, you see.'" Chapter 7
"One of the groups said belonging is being somewhere where you want to be and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don't care one way or the other. Another group said belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. Another group said 'I get to be me-I belong. I have to be like you to fit in." Chapter 7
"Jimmy Grace, a priest from our Episcopal church recently gave a sermon on the nature of sacrifice, and it totally shifted how I think about parenting. He explained that in its original Latin form, 'sacrifice' means to make sacred or to make holy. I wholeheartedly believe that when we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, and messy it is, we are creating something sacred." Chapter 7
"Rescuing and intervening [on behalf of our children] is dangerous... Hope is a function of struggle. If we want our children to develop high levels of hopefulness, we have to let them struggle." Chapter 7
Brown’s premise of that TED talk, and of this book, is that many of us live our lives trying to find ways to avoid shame by shutting down vulnerability. And we do this in a lot of ways, many which she talks about, but the story that resonated with me most deeply was avoiding vulnerability by chasing perfection. This is something I recognized in myself but not on those terms. I caught myself thinking, If I do this perfectly, and it fails, well at least you can’t blame me.
Read my full review here: http://colleenstinchcombe.com/post/112103478744/daring-greatly-by-brene-brown
Read my full review here: http://colleenstinchcombe.com/post/112103478744/daring-greatly-by-brene-brown
informative
medium-paced
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced