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mstoddart's review
3.0
A little bit cheesy, but definitely a worthwhile read (if you can get past some of the cheese). I enjoyed it because it really made me think about how I communicate love, and how I communicate love to others. Not very long, definitely worth the time.
evaseyler's review
3.0
Love languages fascinate me and knowing what mine is has been an amazing help to me, not just in my marriage, but also in understanding who I am and why some friendships click and others don't.
That being said, while I like the general premise of this book, I found the writing to be kind of trite and oversimplistic. While I highly recommend learning about the love languages, I can tell you there is nothing much in here that you can't find on an internet search for free.
That being said, while I like the general premise of this book, I found the writing to be kind of trite and oversimplistic. While I highly recommend learning about the love languages, I can tell you there is nothing much in here that you can't find on an internet search for free.
labtracks's review
4.0
I think there is a lot that makes sense here. Something I need to read again with my spouse. It certainly can't hurt to try to implement some of these suggestions.... both with spouse and kids. There is some mention of religion here, but very subdued. For those that are looking to try to avoid the huge religious lectures that often come along with this subject I do recommend this read.
paladintodd's review
5.0
Made a lot of sense to me as I read it. Will see if it is any help going forward.
(Actually read "the secret to love that lasts" version. This seemed the closest.)
(Actually read "the secret to love that lasts" version. This seemed the closest.)
bekmorr's review
5.0
Been meaning to read this forever and I am so glad I did! The concepts are so simple and just ring true!
erikars's review
3.0
The book itself is kind of terrible, but the core idea of the love languages is useful. While I suspect that they would not retain their exact form if they were to be validated academically, the categories resonate enough that they are good approximations.
The idea of love languages are that everyone has some expressions of love that make them feel more loved and some which don't make them feel particularly loved. If the way that someone in your life -- such as a partner -- expresses love is not your preferred love language, you won't feel like they are expressing their love for you (even when you can recognize it as a sharing of love). And if you go too long without love being expressed to you in your primary language, you'll eventually start to feel unloved and frustrated with your relationship.
One thing to note is that the love language preference is primarily about receiving love. Anyone can learn to express love in any of the love languages. Their preferred language of reception will often be easiest, but they all become easier over time with practice.
Before I go into a summary of the love languages, I want to talk a bit about why the book was frustrating. It assumed the audience was in heteronormative marriage relationships, had fairly traditional gender roles, and was Christian. Even though the core ideas were independent of this, I was frequently frustrated by the tone and assumptions of the author. If that were all I were judging, this book would be 1 star.
The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
If your love language is Words of Affirmation, then you'll feel loved when someone says nice, loving things to you. This could be a verbal statement or it could be a love letter. But the important thing is the expression of love, encouragement, and appreciation in words. For these people, insults tend to feel especially unloving (not that anyone likes insults).
If your love language is Quality Time, it's spending time really having valuable interactions that makes you feel loved. It's not enough to just be together, there must be focused attention, either on each other or on the shared activity. This person will feel especially unloved if they feel your attention is somewhere else when you're spending time together.
If your love language is Receiving Gifts, you feel loved when someone gives you a thoughtful gift. The gifts don't need to be expensive, but they need to come with meaning, "This feather I found reminded me of the time we went bird watching." This person will feel especially unloved if gifts are thoughtless or forgotten on important occasions,
Acts of Service may your love language if you feel loved when someone does something for you -- when your partner does dishes because they know you hate it (or despite the fact that they hate it), when they run that important errand even though they were in a rush. People who feel loved due to acts of service feel unloved when they have to beg or nag for something to be done, but because these acts are so important to them, they may fall into that pattern without realizing it.
If your love language is physical touch, then you feel loved when you are touched. This does not necessarily mean sex -- in fact, if someone's love language is physical touch and most physical touch they get is sexual, they likely won't feel loved. Another thing to note is that enjoying and needing sex doesn't make touch your love language -- the sexual drive has many sources. Needing hugs is a better indicator. People whose love language is physical touch will feel unloved if they feel they have to always initiate the physical contact.
Your love language may be obvious to you. If not, you can take the online quiz. But I don't recommend it. It has separate versions for husbands and wives and the differences are infuriating (*he* likes to have his ideas validated, *she* likes that he merely respects her ideas). The third method recommended in the book, which I prefer, is to think about which language would make you feel worst if it were missing. This acknowledges that all of these ways of expressing love can be appreciated -- even if my love language isn't acts of service, when I'm having a hard day, I'll feel loved if my husband does a chore that's normally mine -- but that one or two likely dominate. For example, both Quality Time and Physical Touch are important to me, but a lack of physical touch tends to leave me feeling unloved more than a lack of quality time.
For my records, here are some useful exercises from the book:
- If you have trouble expressing emotions, which could be a hindrance for Words of Affection or Quality Time (for conversations), "Carry a small notepad and keep it with you daily. Three times each day, ask yourself, 'What emotions have I felt in the last three hours? ... Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word or two to help you remember the event corresponding to the feeling." You can use this just as practice observing your emotions or use it as a starter for conversations with your partner.
- "establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them."
- Quality Time: Ask your partner for a list of 5 activities they'd like to do with you. Make plans to do one of them each month.
- Quality Time: Schedule a quarterly date for talking about your history. For each one, define five questions that focus on aspects of your past, e.g., your favorite teacher.
- Physical Touch: Reach out and hold hands while doing everyday activities. Give hugs and back rubs during the course of the day. Be sure to touch at times when it's not likely to lead to sex. Have more physical touch foreplay before sex. Give a hug/kiss when you both get home.
The idea of love languages are that everyone has some expressions of love that make them feel more loved and some which don't make them feel particularly loved. If the way that someone in your life -- such as a partner -- expresses love is not your preferred love language, you won't feel like they are expressing their love for you (even when you can recognize it as a sharing of love). And if you go too long without love being expressed to you in your primary language, you'll eventually start to feel unloved and frustrated with your relationship.
One thing to note is that the love language preference is primarily about receiving love. Anyone can learn to express love in any of the love languages. Their preferred language of reception will often be easiest, but they all become easier over time with practice.
Before I go into a summary of the love languages, I want to talk a bit about why the book was frustrating. It assumed the audience was in heteronormative marriage relationships, had fairly traditional gender roles, and was Christian. Even though the core ideas were independent of this, I was frequently frustrated by the tone and assumptions of the author. If that were all I were judging, this book would be 1 star.
The 5 love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
If your love language is Words of Affirmation, then you'll feel loved when someone says nice, loving things to you. This could be a verbal statement or it could be a love letter. But the important thing is the expression of love, encouragement, and appreciation in words. For these people, insults tend to feel especially unloving (not that anyone likes insults).
If your love language is Quality Time, it's spending time really having valuable interactions that makes you feel loved. It's not enough to just be together, there must be focused attention, either on each other or on the shared activity. This person will feel especially unloved if they feel your attention is somewhere else when you're spending time together.
If your love language is Receiving Gifts, you feel loved when someone gives you a thoughtful gift. The gifts don't need to be expensive, but they need to come with meaning, "This feather I found reminded me of the time we went bird watching." This person will feel especially unloved if gifts are thoughtless or forgotten on important occasions,
Acts of Service may your love language if you feel loved when someone does something for you -- when your partner does dishes because they know you hate it (or despite the fact that they hate it), when they run that important errand even though they were in a rush. People who feel loved due to acts of service feel unloved when they have to beg or nag for something to be done, but because these acts are so important to them, they may fall into that pattern without realizing it.
If your love language is physical touch, then you feel loved when you are touched. This does not necessarily mean sex -- in fact, if someone's love language is physical touch and most physical touch they get is sexual, they likely won't feel loved. Another thing to note is that enjoying and needing sex doesn't make touch your love language -- the sexual drive has many sources. Needing hugs is a better indicator. People whose love language is physical touch will feel unloved if they feel they have to always initiate the physical contact.
Your love language may be obvious to you. If not, you can take the online quiz. But I don't recommend it. It has separate versions for husbands and wives and the differences are infuriating (*he* likes to have his ideas validated, *she* likes that he merely respects her ideas). The third method recommended in the book, which I prefer, is to think about which language would make you feel worst if it were missing. This acknowledges that all of these ways of expressing love can be appreciated -- even if my love language isn't acts of service, when I'm having a hard day, I'll feel loved if my husband does a chore that's normally mine -- but that one or two likely dominate. For example, both Quality Time and Physical Touch are important to me, but a lack of physical touch tends to leave me feeling unloved more than a lack of quality time.
For my records, here are some useful exercises from the book:
- If you have trouble expressing emotions, which could be a hindrance for Words of Affection or Quality Time (for conversations), "Carry a small notepad and keep it with you daily. Three times each day, ask yourself, 'What emotions have I felt in the last three hours? ... Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word or two to help you remember the event corresponding to the feeling." You can use this just as practice observing your emotions or use it as a starter for conversations with your partner.
- "establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them."
- Quality Time: Ask your partner for a list of 5 activities they'd like to do with you. Make plans to do one of them each month.
- Quality Time: Schedule a quarterly date for talking about your history. For each one, define five questions that focus on aspects of your past, e.g., your favorite teacher.
- Physical Touch: Reach out and hold hands while doing everyday activities. Give hugs and back rubs during the course of the day. Be sure to touch at times when it's not likely to lead to sex. Have more physical touch foreplay before sex. Give a hug/kiss when you both get home.