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mystictimber's review against another edition
informative
reflective
slow-paced
2.0
Decent but very repetitive. I read and enjoyed the Author's article, "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink," I'm just not sure there was an entire book full of insights here.
drarieple's review against another edition
4.0
Interesting perspective. This was recommended on a book club page I follow and I picked it up out of curiosity. It really made me look and think about how I react to things have little to do with the actual “things”. Great read… even if your relationship is solid. Good reinforcing principles.
shelfcontrolreviews's review against another edition
5.0
***Firstly, thank you so very much to HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers for an advanced galley copy in exchange for an honest review!***
I’ve been following Matthew Fray’s writing since 2018, if I remember correctly. I found him when I was a newlywed. So, when I found out he was writing a book to be published while I was/am going through a divorce - I knew I would own it no matter what to see what was inside!
If/when you read this book, be ready for tears to flow & to be ready to throw the book at the same time. Hahaha. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. The dedication was enough to make me start tearing up & breaking me down. I was called out & finally felt seen for the first time as a roller coaster constantly while reading. “Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.” I felt winded immediately. Though it may have come late, finally, someone was hearing what me & so many others cry.
The chapter breakdowns felt like I was listening to a speech from marriages of decades of experience. The fact that Fray was able to give us this in book form due to all his work is astonishing. One thing I struggled with, guilt wise, was even pointed out in the book: “Good people can be bad spouses. Good people unwittingly destroy their marriages.” My husband is a great man & has always been a great father but, a good husband? Not when it’s all added up. The ‘Invalidation Triple Threat’ was truly eye opening because, again, it called me out because I never fully realized how I could sometimes be a steam roller.
I never understood I wasn’t asking the wrong questions. Neither of us were. “The right questions challenge our assumptions & beliefs & force us to consider an alternative.” We never stop & think about how simply taking a beat, rephrasing, & asking the questions that NEED to be asked will effectively solve more problems than the ones hand.
The “monster under the bed theory” BLEW ME AWAY! It’s such a basic approach that has a broad result. By not even trying to address the details of the issue, we eliminate trust. Knowing the ‘Key Relationship Skills’ to effectively master for your relationship made me feel like someone paid attention yet stabbed me in the heart because I know I wrestle with some of those skills myself, more than I’d like to admit.
‘Marriage & the Man Card’ made me feel like I was fully seeing deeper into what I had been dying to understand. Not to mention, hearing an outside perspective will let men feel heard & be acknowledged! However, this chapter plus ‘She Feels Like Your Mom But Doesn’t Want To’ & ‘Sex, Lies, & Internet Porn’ will also make them confront their own struggles just as the book has made me confront my own. These chapters, if made into a mini booklet, should be passed out on the street corners so everyone can examine the uncomfortable parts that tend to be ignored.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I will cherish this book & it will, no doubt, be reread multiple times over the years. I’m sure something new will pop out at me each time I open it.
I’ve been following Matthew Fray’s writing since 2018, if I remember correctly. I found him when I was a newlywed. So, when I found out he was writing a book to be published while I was/am going through a divorce - I knew I would own it no matter what to see what was inside!
If/when you read this book, be ready for tears to flow & to be ready to throw the book at the same time. Hahaha. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. The dedication was enough to make me start tearing up & breaking me down. I was called out & finally felt seen for the first time as a roller coaster constantly while reading. “Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts. Quietly. Slowly.” I felt winded immediately. Though it may have come late, finally, someone was hearing what me & so many others cry.
The chapter breakdowns felt like I was listening to a speech from marriages of decades of experience. The fact that Fray was able to give us this in book form due to all his work is astonishing. One thing I struggled with, guilt wise, was even pointed out in the book: “Good people can be bad spouses. Good people unwittingly destroy their marriages.” My husband is a great man & has always been a great father but, a good husband? Not when it’s all added up. The ‘Invalidation Triple Threat’ was truly eye opening because, again, it called me out because I never fully realized how I could sometimes be a steam roller.
I never understood I wasn’t asking the wrong questions. Neither of us were. “The right questions challenge our assumptions & beliefs & force us to consider an alternative.” We never stop & think about how simply taking a beat, rephrasing, & asking the questions that NEED to be asked will effectively solve more problems than the ones hand.
The “monster under the bed theory” BLEW ME AWAY! It’s such a basic approach that has a broad result. By not even trying to address the details of the issue, we eliminate trust. Knowing the ‘Key Relationship Skills’ to effectively master for your relationship made me feel like someone paid attention yet stabbed me in the heart because I know I wrestle with some of those skills myself, more than I’d like to admit.
‘Marriage & the Man Card’ made me feel like I was fully seeing deeper into what I had been dying to understand. Not to mention, hearing an outside perspective will let men feel heard & be acknowledged! However, this chapter plus ‘She Feels Like Your Mom But Doesn’t Want To’ & ‘Sex, Lies, & Internet Porn’ will also make them confront their own struggles just as the book has made me confront my own. These chapters, if made into a mini booklet, should be passed out on the street corners so everyone can examine the uncomfortable parts that tend to be ignored.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I will cherish this book & it will, no doubt, be reread multiple times over the years. I’m sure something new will pop out at me each time I open it.
mistresstaserblade's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
sad
fast-paced
5.0
feliciasrose's review
reflective
5.0
I felt very emotional reading this book. I think so much of what I felt was well articulated by Matthew. I think it actually made me feel more secure in my decision about leaving my marriage. I hope that my next relationship has this kind of perspective - the very eyes wide open POV - going into it. I want to share this with my children when they're older. I want them to be very secure in their decision to marry. I want them to have a true idea of what it takes to make a relationship work. I think this book really tries to show you how to nurture a relationship with someone and how your perspective can really impact your relationship. Yeah, I'm excited to come back to this in a year and see what else I can learn from it.
creyna21's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
medium-paced
4.5
madelinedalton's review
informative
reflective
slow-paced
3.0
This is a must-read for anyone who hasn’t been to therapy, or just any man in general. But if you’re like me (a woman who has been in therapy for years), you probably won’t learn much from this book.
The writing is often redundant, but maybe the bad husbands he’s writing to need the repetition in order for it to sink in lol.
The writing is often redundant, but maybe the bad husbands he’s writing to need the repetition in order for it to sink in lol.
kelsiandherbookshelf's review against another edition
4.0
If you are married, thinking of marriage, or divorced and are able to create space for reflection and accountability, this book is for you! Matthew Fray uses his own divorce as a catalyst for illustrating how a marriage can end and what the readers should be aware of and consider in order to avoid patterns that often lead to divorce. In addition to his own experience, Matthew Fray incorporates stories from his clients, offering the reader relatability and a deeper context.
I enjoyed the levity of Matthew’s humor and the scientific research that validates his perspective. Not only will you learn how to have a successful marriage but also learn more of who you are, the characteristics that you have, and the thoughts that you perpetuate.
I enjoyed the levity of Matthew’s humor and the scientific research that validates his perspective. Not only will you learn how to have a successful marriage but also learn more of who you are, the characteristics that you have, and the thoughts that you perpetuate.
jhv_1984's review against another edition
emotional
funny
hopeful
informative
reflective
fast-paced
3.5
espressoreader's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
This book reminds us that often the complaints are not about the dish on the cabinet, but the constant disregard from our loved ones. It reminds us to take to heart what is important to our loved one and act according to their importance, rather than our own.