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As a person who just missed some of the strongest purity teachings (I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out when I was in graduate school. I read it and didn’t feel like it applied to me much at all despite some friends adopting its principles), I still was influenced by that era of Evangelical Christianity. I remember, for example, how daring and risky I felt when I wore my first “miniskirt,” which literally was only ½ an inch above my knee. I was careful to ‘never give the appearance of evil’ by strictly keeping the rules I knew. I am grateful for my childhood and my church, but I have realized that along the way I embraced and internalized some of the strictest and most judgmental versions of purity culture. Clear rules made me happy. They helped me know who was “in” and who was “out.” Conveniently, the rules were always such that I was “in.”
With time and prayer and thought I think I’ve processed some of my own motivations and have become much more critical of purity culture over the past few years. To be clear, I am not against purity. But I am against the teachings that if I (or my daughters) keep to a specific set of rules then I can maintain or manufacture that purity. Apart from Christ, my attempts to “maintain my purity” are foolish and arrogant. They are against the gospel, because I am relying on my own ability to maintain holiness. This, I now understand, is the opposite of the purity Christ clothes us in: It’s His, not mine.
I have had a hard time thinking through how to have these conversations with my own daughters, though. After all, who wouldn’t want to promote purity? Doesn’t any other conversation promote a life of promiscuity?
I am so thankful for Sheila Wray Gregoire’s newest book, She Deserves Better, which provides a resounding “No!” to those questions. Gregoire writes with her daughter and a statistician… yes, friends! It has data! There’s actual research to back up her claims! She structures the book around what she believes our daughters deserve… they deserve a big faith, to be heard, to understand consent, to exist, and permission to be big, for instance. If these are the dreams you have for your daughter, please consider reading this book.
Let me identify one of the most helpful sections to me. Early in the book, Gregoire describes the differences between what girls are taught about faith and what the New Testament actually says. Christian books directed at teen girls are more likely to focus on sex, virginity, and modesty, than they are to even mention the words “Holy Spirit,” “gospel,” or “kingdom of God.” We have, as Gregoire says, instructed our girls to develop a faith that is “self-focused and small” by teaching them that what matters is their virginity—it’s about what they do with their bodies and little else. Pointedly, she says, “the greatest commandment given to our girls is not to keep their legs shut. The greatest commandment given to our girls is that they love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that they love their neighbor as themselves.” My daughters deserve better than a small, self-focused faith. And so do yours.
Gregoire doesn’t promote freedom to sin. This is a solidly Christian book. She’s just clear that they way we’ve been teaching about purity encourages smallness, self-focus, and judgment of anyone who doesn’t hold to the rules. None of these things, I think, are what Christ calls us to. Not everyone will agree with everything she says—your tradition may restrict women’s church leadership more than hers—but I believe working through this book will be helpful as you examine what Christ really wants for our daughters.
This book is directed toward mothers who want their daughters to have something better than they themselves had. And it helps clarify some of my own thinking about issues surrounding gospel and purity culture. It also provides discussion points for mothers to work through with their daughters to help daughters identify ‘tricky teachings’ that may sound Christian, but fundamentally are not. These conversation starters are helpful especially if you haven’t had practice with these types of conversations. They provide an excellent starting point.
With time and prayer and thought I think I’ve processed some of my own motivations and have become much more critical of purity culture over the past few years. To be clear, I am not against purity. But I am against the teachings that if I (or my daughters) keep to a specific set of rules then I can maintain or manufacture that purity. Apart from Christ, my attempts to “maintain my purity” are foolish and arrogant. They are against the gospel, because I am relying on my own ability to maintain holiness. This, I now understand, is the opposite of the purity Christ clothes us in: It’s His, not mine.
I have had a hard time thinking through how to have these conversations with my own daughters, though. After all, who wouldn’t want to promote purity? Doesn’t any other conversation promote a life of promiscuity?
I am so thankful for Sheila Wray Gregoire’s newest book, She Deserves Better, which provides a resounding “No!” to those questions. Gregoire writes with her daughter and a statistician… yes, friends! It has data! There’s actual research to back up her claims! She structures the book around what she believes our daughters deserve… they deserve a big faith, to be heard, to understand consent, to exist, and permission to be big, for instance. If these are the dreams you have for your daughter, please consider reading this book.
Let me identify one of the most helpful sections to me. Early in the book, Gregoire describes the differences between what girls are taught about faith and what the New Testament actually says. Christian books directed at teen girls are more likely to focus on sex, virginity, and modesty, than they are to even mention the words “Holy Spirit,” “gospel,” or “kingdom of God.” We have, as Gregoire says, instructed our girls to develop a faith that is “self-focused and small” by teaching them that what matters is their virginity—it’s about what they do with their bodies and little else. Pointedly, she says, “the greatest commandment given to our girls is not to keep their legs shut. The greatest commandment given to our girls is that they love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that they love their neighbor as themselves.” My daughters deserve better than a small, self-focused faith. And so do yours.
Gregoire doesn’t promote freedom to sin. This is a solidly Christian book. She’s just clear that they way we’ve been teaching about purity encourages smallness, self-focus, and judgment of anyone who doesn’t hold to the rules. None of these things, I think, are what Christ calls us to. Not everyone will agree with everything she says—your tradition may restrict women’s church leadership more than hers—but I believe working through this book will be helpful as you examine what Christ really wants for our daughters.
This book is directed toward mothers who want their daughters to have something better than they themselves had. And it helps clarify some of my own thinking about issues surrounding gospel and purity culture. It also provides discussion points for mothers to work through with their daughters to help daughters identify ‘tricky teachings’ that may sound Christian, but fundamentally are not. These conversation starters are helpful especially if you haven’t had practice with these types of conversations. They provide an excellent starting point.
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
Holy cow! This book was incredible. As these authors explain the tricky teachings that are directed at women, they salt their own opinions for their readers! I recognized some of the teachings that have shaped my brain over the years and learned about some teachings that i thankfully was not exposed too. Highly recommend especially if you are a mama or woman!
3 stars. I think it was a hard act to follow after finishing When Religion Hurts You. I agree with the majority of the book (I think. Still gnawing on some aspects) just felt the tone of the book at times was awkward (either cringey/immature or angry sounding).
I definitely will revisit once my girls are pre-teen and think a lot of the information will be helpful, especially regarding the harm of purity culture, modesty messaging, and female inferiority.
I definitely will revisit once my girls are pre-teen and think a lot of the information will be helpful, especially regarding the harm of purity culture, modesty messaging, and female inferiority.
Highly recommend to anyone with daughters, or who works in a religious setting with teens and families. I appreciated so much about this book, the fundamental assumption that God created women and girls as "very good" and that they deserve ... all these chapter headings:
She deserves...
... to be set up for success
... a big faith
... to be heard
... to be respected
... the whole story about dating
... to be protected
... to know about her body
... to understand consent
... to exist as a person, not as a threat
... permission to be big
The book is filled with exactly the kinds of messages that I want my daughters to hear. I had checked this out from the library, but quickly bought a copy because this is the kind of book I want to have on the shelf, to encourage discussions. I love the guided question/answer discussion guides for mothers and daughters at the end of each chapter. These are really thoughtful situational questions that help discuss difficult but important topics with teens. Really helpful.
I wish there was a book just like this for teen boys! Rather than the "Every young Man's Battle" and "Every Young Woman's Battle" pairing--that the authors so devastatingly critique in this book--we need a "He Deserves Better, Too" - better than the messages evangelical boys are taught; a fragile masculinity that feels threatened by strong women; an excuses laden approach to lust and sin that blames women for being beautiful; a "boys will be boys" mentality that enables men through sexual assault and rape;
Boys also need to be heard AND to learn how to listen -- they will be BETTER off for it!
Boys also need the whole story about dating
Boys also need to understand consent (!!!)
Boys also need to not feel threatened by the women and girls in their lives.
Anyway, looking forward to that one coming out someday.
In the meantime, I'm eager to raise my girls with these principles, and adapt/translate for my boys as well.
She deserves...
... to be set up for success
... a big faith
... to be heard
... to be respected
... the whole story about dating
... to be protected
... to know about her body
... to understand consent
... to exist as a person, not as a threat
... permission to be big
The book is filled with exactly the kinds of messages that I want my daughters to hear. I had checked this out from the library, but quickly bought a copy because this is the kind of book I want to have on the shelf, to encourage discussions. I love the guided question/answer discussion guides for mothers and daughters at the end of each chapter. These are really thoughtful situational questions that help discuss difficult but important topics with teens. Really helpful.
I wish there was a book just like this for teen boys! Rather than the "Every young Man's Battle" and "Every Young Woman's Battle" pairing--that the authors so devastatingly critique in this book--we need a "He Deserves Better, Too" - better than the messages evangelical boys are taught; a fragile masculinity that feels threatened by strong women; an excuses laden approach to lust and sin that blames women for being beautiful; a "boys will be boys" mentality that enables men through sexual assault and rape;
Boys also need to be heard AND to learn how to listen -- they will be BETTER off for it!
Boys also need the whole story about dating
Boys also need to understand consent (!!!)
Boys also need to not feel threatened by the women and girls in their lives.
Anyway, looking forward to that one coming out someday.
In the meantime, I'm eager to raise my girls with these principles, and adapt/translate for my boys as well.
What a fantastic "part 2" to The Great Sex Rescue! Walking through the Q&A with my daughter has been such a great gauge of what she believes. Highly recommend.