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bookshelfsos's review against another edition
adventurous
slow-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? No
1.5
Why do I do this to myself? Why? I knew I probably wouldn't like First, Become Ashes because I didn't like Docile. But damn if the premise and the marketing didn't get me again.
The blurb on the front of this book promises that it will "tackle trauma and healing without flinching" which was incredibly misleading to the point of being irresponsible. Because while there is trauma - heaps of self-harm, abuse, and rape - there is no healing. At least not on the page. The journey from Lark being brainwashed by the cult he grew up in to "healed" is akin to teleportation: we were there one minute and now we're here. Tada! This is not a story about cult deprogramming. It is not a story about someone coming to terms with abuse. This is a story about tropes that Szpara thinks are fun and cutesy pop culture references, off-puttingly intertwined with graphic and intensely unsexy sex scenes.
Speaking of which, it feels irresponsible not to mention a warning about the sex scenes. Particularly if you are coming to this book looking for sensitivity around the subject of sexual assault or healing from sexual abuse, please know that you’re not going to get that here. The book warns you about the content at the beginning, but a content warning doesn’t have the context to inform the reader that this book doesn’t just contain scenes of sexual assault. It revels in them with voyeuristic pleasure (literally). If it seems like it might be more that just a bit irresponsible to lure readers in with a story of “healing from abuse” and then offer instead rape erotica, then I’m going to go ahead and call this book irresponsible. If you want to write rape erotica, do that. If you enjoy dark tropes, have the self-respect to own that. Just don’t dress up your darker fantasies in the politically correct language of the day and try to pass it off as “healing”.
Ok, with that out of the way I guess I’ll touch on some positives. I will say that I actually enjoyed the experience of reading First, Become Ashes more than Docile, mainly because I think Szpara has improved as a writer. So props to growth and development, I guess. I thought that the pacing and the technical aspects of the writing here were both good. Despite being very uninvested in the story (I can't really enjoy a story when I dislike every character), I managed to get through the book quickly and was actually curious about some of the more mysterious plot threads that were set up. Who was Nova and where did she come from? Why would the city of Baltimore, in an otherwise entirely normal reality where they're hosting major conventions and have cool hipster neighborhoods, sell off hundreds of acres of a public park to a private individual and let them close it off and start a cult in the middle of the city? What did Deryn do to lose their position as an Anointed? Is magic real? Sadly, the payoff for all of these questions is exactly nil. Not one of them will be answered, or at least not to my satisfaction.
The biggest frustration for me with First, Become Ashes is the wasted potential. In the right author's hands the story of two young men growing up in an abusive cult and then having one of them stop believing and "betray" the cult to the FBI is such a good hook. There is love and betrayal. There is confusion of what is real and what isn't. There are questions of loyalty and how far you should go to appease someone you love when they are doing harm to themselves. All of these questions make for compelling character motivations and arcs. But we never see that here because all 300 pages of First, Become Ashes are devoted to Szpara exploring things that he thinks are cute or cool to the detriment of any enjoyment that the reader might have had. I guess if your interests as a reader are perfectly aligned with the author's - if you enjoy Lord of the Rings, Dungeons & Dragons, Harry Potter, cosplay, nerd culture, *and* BDSM - then it's *possible* you might find this book right up your alley. I would not say that it's a guarantee though, because everything here is superficial and ultimately irrelevant to the story. The trappings of geekiness and of kinkiness are seemingly just there to entertain the author and anyone else who finds kinship in shared love of intellectual property. Sadly, that's not nearly enough for me and this book proved to be a frustration and a disappointment.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Torture
foreverinastory's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
mysterious
reflective
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
Content Warnings
Graphic: Blood, Child abuse, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Torture, Toxic relationship, and Violence
Moderate: Transphobia
Minor: Acephobia/Arophobia and Kidnapping
HP referencesnoslowregard's review against another edition
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Torture, and Blood
morelikelibrarybooked's review against another edition
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
funny
hopeful
sad
tense
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
2.5
* I was sent a physical ARC by the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
So let me start off with the good things, the things I actually enjoyed about the book. I liked the inclusion of a content warning page prior to the actual title page of the book. I think all books that have triggering content should include these content warning pages. There's nothing worse than reading a book and suddenly coming across something upsetting. So it's safe to say that I believe if a reader gets offended by anything that is warned on the content warning page, it is 100% on them and not the author. (The emboldened words at the bottom of the summary are the same on the content warning page, in case you were curious for the trigger warnings). In terms of the actual content of the book, I vibe with Szpara's writing. I think that his writing is very accessible and simple, but effective. When I say that the writing is simple, I don't mean that in a mean way. Simple writing is digestible, it makes the story more appealing for a broader audience. And though it was simple, his writing was also very strong and harrowing at different points. He was able to really capture the feelings and the intentions of the characters. Their trauma was not taken for granted, the things they went through were not romanticized. The traumatic events of the book were handled very effectively. There was inclusivity in the cast of characters, which was nice. I liked the addition of the open relationship/throuple because love triangles are dumb. Throuples are infinitely better.
Some of the characters felt well rounded enough for me to become attached. I definitely liked Kane the most of everyone, and Lillian (to a lesser extent). But, me saying that gives some insight into my feelings about the book. If you read it, I think you'll understand. I think that one's projected enjoyment of the book can be determined based on the characters that you like. If you just love Calvin, I think that you will like this book. Chances are that you have a more hopeful outlook, you're not as cynical and you can accept the premise this book begins to shift into in the latter half. This is where I start to get really negative.
I have to start my criticisms by saying that I think this book should have been 150-200 pages longer. I feel like most of my qualms would have been solved if it could have only been longer. If you took the chunk of Docile that almost made it too long and tacked it onto this one, it would've been much better. By this I mean the court case. I went into Docile not expecting a trial whereas I needed one for First Become Ashes and I didn't get it. I have so many questions about the cult, Nova, and what happened afterward. It was disappointing to me to never understand the true breadth of the Fellowship of the Anointed, that was what I really wanted the most. If it had had those extra 150-200 pages, then we could've gotten not only the trial, we could have seen some more healing for the characters. They went through so much and we only get a glimpse into the healing and that was mainly Lark (although not as much as I would've liked, which I will get into later).
I just could not understand the purpose of the book. I went into it expecting one thing, and I came out of it unclear what I was meant to get out of it. I don't know if magic was meant to be real. I did NOT want magic to be real. It felt to me, that if magic was real, then Nova won. It felt like justification for all of the awful things that these cult members went through. That obviously was not the point. The point was probably something more hopeful, more in the vein of "magic isn't real because of the pain, rather it exists in spite of it." But that just wasn't how I felt at all. If magic had been real, I would've liked a much more fleshed out system. If it isn't pain, then what is it? I need it to be fleshed out, because otherwise it just still feels like Nova was justified. Without a specific system (learned or just pre-established) magic feels cheap and convenient. It only seemed to be "real" when it was convenient to move the story forward. On the same page, it felt like none of the character's motivations made much sense to me. They did initially, but it felt like whenever they would have a change of heart they would backpedal almost immediately. This happened with Calvin, Kane, and especially Lark. Not so much Deryn, but Deryn kind of just got on my nerves. I didn't vibe with their whole personality, though it felt appropriate for their character. It felt like Lark never really learned anything. If anything, whenever he would begin to question things, he would be brought right back into his beliefs by something happening that justified his actions (his actions which were intention to commit felonies).
This book is very divisive, similar to how Docile was divisive, but for completely different reasons. This one depends on your ability to suspend your disbelief and accept what is happening. You have to be rooting for magic, rather than for boring, common sense (like me). As much as I hate to say it, I think people that love The Foxhole Court, will like this book. I really disliked The Foxhole Court, but a ton of people love it. Somehow this book has the same energy. Let me be clear again, I did NOT hate First Become Ashes. Compared to The Foxhole Court, this one was much better, far more palatable. But, I'm just saying that if you enjoyed that book, I get the feeling that this one will hit the mark for you as well.
So, I didn't really like the book. I found it to be disappointing for me personally. I do think that there are people who would really enjoy it though. I've seen reviews of people really enjoying it. So, if you're not naturally cynical/are able to suspend your disbelief for contemporary stories and you think the premise sound interesting, read it! For everyone else who did not like The Foxhole Court and is just naturally negative/cynical, maybe try Docile. It has some similar elements to this one, but with a Black Mirror feel. It had its' problematic moments, but I really enjoyed it.
So let me start off with the good things, the things I actually enjoyed about the book. I liked the inclusion of a content warning page prior to the actual title page of the book. I think all books that have triggering content should include these content warning pages. There's nothing worse than reading a book and suddenly coming across something upsetting. So it's safe to say that I believe if a reader gets offended by anything that is warned on the content warning page, it is 100% on them and not the author. (The emboldened words at the bottom of the summary are the same on the content warning page, in case you were curious for the trigger warnings). In terms of the actual content of the book, I vibe with Szpara's writing. I think that his writing is very accessible and simple, but effective. When I say that the writing is simple, I don't mean that in a mean way. Simple writing is digestible, it makes the story more appealing for a broader audience. And though it was simple, his writing was also very strong and harrowing at different points. He was able to really capture the feelings and the intentions of the characters. Their trauma was not taken for granted, the things they went through were not romanticized. The traumatic events of the book were handled very effectively. There was inclusivity in the cast of characters, which was nice. I liked the addition of the open relationship/throuple because love triangles are dumb. Throuples are infinitely better.
Some of the characters felt well rounded enough for me to become attached. I definitely liked Kane the most of everyone, and Lillian (to a lesser extent). But, me saying that gives some insight into my feelings about the book. If you read it, I think you'll understand. I think that one's projected enjoyment of the book can be determined based on the characters that you like. If you just love Calvin, I think that you will like this book. Chances are that you have a more hopeful outlook, you're not as cynical and you can accept the premise this book begins to shift into in the latter half. This is where I start to get really negative.
I have to start my criticisms by saying that I think this book should have been 150-200 pages longer. I feel like most of my qualms would have been solved if it could have only been longer. If you took the chunk of Docile that almost made it too long and tacked it onto this one, it would've been much better. By this I mean the court case. I went into Docile not expecting a trial whereas I needed one for First Become Ashes and I didn't get it. I have so many questions about the cult, Nova, and what happened afterward. It was disappointing to me to never understand the true breadth of the Fellowship of the Anointed, that was what I really wanted the most. If it had had those extra 150-200 pages, then we could've gotten not only the trial, we could have seen some more healing for the characters. They went through so much and we only get a glimpse into the healing and that was mainly Lark (although not as much as I would've liked, which I will get into later).
I just could not understand the purpose of the book. I went into it expecting one thing, and I came out of it unclear what I was meant to get out of it. I don't know if magic was meant to be real. I did NOT want magic to be real. It felt to me, that if magic was real, then Nova won. It felt like justification for all of the awful things that these cult members went through. That obviously was not the point. The point was probably something more hopeful, more in the vein of "magic isn't real because of the pain, rather it exists in spite of it." But that just wasn't how I felt at all. If magic had been real, I would've liked a much more fleshed out system. If it isn't pain, then what is it? I need it to be fleshed out, because otherwise it just still feels like Nova was justified. Without a specific system (learned or just pre-established) magic feels cheap and convenient. It only seemed to be "real" when it was convenient to move the story forward. On the same page, it felt like none of the character's motivations made much sense to me. They did initially, but it felt like whenever they would have a change of heart they would backpedal almost immediately. This happened with Calvin, Kane, and especially Lark. Not so much Deryn, but Deryn kind of just got on my nerves. I didn't vibe with their whole personality, though it felt appropriate for their character. It felt like Lark never really learned anything. If anything, whenever he would begin to question things, he would be brought right back into his beliefs by something happening that justified his actions (his actions which were intention to commit felonies).
This book is very divisive, similar to how Docile was divisive, but for completely different reasons. This one depends on your ability to suspend your disbelief and accept what is happening. You have to be rooting for magic, rather than for boring, common sense (like me). As much as I hate to say it, I think people that love The Foxhole Court, will like this book. I really disliked The Foxhole Court, but a ton of people love it. Somehow this book has the same energy. Let me be clear again, I did NOT hate First Become Ashes. Compared to The Foxhole Court, this one was much better, far more palatable. But, I'm just saying that if you enjoyed that book, I get the feeling that this one will hit the mark for you as well.
So, I didn't really like the book. I found it to be disappointing for me personally. I do think that there are people who would really enjoy it though. I've seen reviews of people really enjoying it. So, if you're not naturally cynical/are able to suspend your disbelief for contemporary stories and you think the premise sound interesting, read it! For everyone else who did not like The Foxhole Court and is just naturally negative/cynical, maybe try Docile. It has some similar elements to this one, but with a Black Mirror feel. It had its' problematic moments, but I really enjoyed it.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Violence, and Torture
obscurepages's review against another edition
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
mysterious
reflective
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Plot
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
4.0
Diving into this book, reading the content warnings, I knew I had to be prepared. I was excited for it because the synopsis sounds so interesting, but of course, I was also very hesitant. Now I've finished it! And it's sooooooo... I don't even have the word for it right now. 😂 See, it's unique but also very unnerving--unique because it blended magic and the supernatural with society, unnerving because this book featured sadomasochism and sexual/mental abuse so graphically and tried to show that the process of healing is not an easy one. It's brutal and raw, and some scenes made my skin crawl, but damn if this didn't take me on its own kind of journey.
I think that's all I can say for now. Full review will be posted soon as part of a tour hosted by Pride Book Tours! Hopefully, I'll have gathered my thoughts by then!
TW: sadomasochism, rape, sexual assault and abuse, torture, psychological abuse, manipulation, violence
Find me elsewhere: Instagram | Twitter | Blog
I think that's all I can say for now. Full review will be posted soon as part of a tour hosted by Pride Book Tours! Hopefully, I'll have gathered my thoughts by then!
TW: sadomasochism, rape, sexual assault and abuse, torture, psychological abuse, manipulation, violence
Find me elsewhere: Instagram | Twitter | Blog
Content Warnings
Graphic: Sexual assault, Child abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Torture, and Violence
aquavenatus's review against another edition
dark
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
5.0
You can read my complete review here: https://mistyaquavenatus.com/2021/02/20/why-you-need-to-read-first-become-ashes
Content Warnings
Graphic: Confinement, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, and Torture
elliotvanz's review
adventurous
emotional
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.0
I'm really on the fence about this one. It has plenty of ingredients I find intriguing: unreliable narration, cults, queer romance, and overall weirdness. The pacing kept me reading and I whipped through this fairly swiftly. It falls into the category of stories that are super messed up, which is usually something I find intriguing, but was at times really uncomfortable. (This book qualifies for pretty much every trigger warning connected to abuse I can think of, and then some.) I never really fully connected to this narrative though. I appreciate that Szpara wanted to keep the nature of reality ambiguous - is there really magic in this world, or is it all a delusion/metaphor? - but I wanted a hard answer on that, and the doubt made it difficult for me to connect to anyone emotionally. I spent most of my time with this story hunting for clues, analyzing, and just trying to answer that one central question. As a result I never fully invested in the rest. This won't bother some people, so your milage may vary.
Here's the thing: I'm just not sure Szpara's books are for me. They keep me reading, and have elements I find really interesting, but I come out of them with really mixed feelings and wishing I had read a different story than the one I got. This is just a personal taste thing. I think a lot of people will really love this one. (I also think a lot of people will find this repellant.) I'm glad it's out there, and I don't regret reading it, but ultimately it's just not my cup of tea.
Here's the thing: I'm just not sure Szpara's books are for me. They keep me reading, and have elements I find really interesting, but I come out of them with really mixed feelings and wishing I had read a different story than the one I got. This is just a personal taste thing. I think a lot of people will really love this one. (I also think a lot of people will find this repellant.) I'm glad it's out there, and I don't regret reading it, but ultimately it's just not my cup of tea.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Slavery, Torture, and Toxic relationship
aconitecafe's review against another edition
dark
emotional
reflective
sad
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
5.0
K.M. Szpara is a master of writing traumatic experiences, and the road to recovery. Docile was one of my favorite reads from last year. So when I received the email from NetGalley announcing that I was approved for a copy of First, Become Ashes I squealed out loud. I thought I was prepared to be broken and rebuilt. But no. I wasn't prepared at all.
Every point of view in this book is masterfully constructed. The profound level of anguish within each chapter draws you in and doesn't let go. I think I read this book in less than 24 hours. I just couldn't put it down. I had to know if the characters made it out of their mental struggles, and were able to see the other side. If Lark can find the rainbow with everything that he experienced, that has to mean their is hope for the rest of us right?
Having read many accounts from outsiders looking in on cults, it was refreshing in a terrifying way to see the innerworkings of a mind within the followers (or anointed). We see the news of cults being "liberated" and often think, "so great those people were freed from a crazy person". But it's not that simple. Real people believed with everything they had in that person. There are real minds facing cognitive dissonance that can't be cured by someone saying "it wasn't real". You can't overcome that level of cognitive dissonance without first burning everything you are as a person, and rebuilding yourself from the ashes.
The way the author tackled this 'after it falls' period, dripped with the feeling that the author did the leg work to understand what goes into being devoted to a cult. Having read Docile, I couldn't imagine any other author writing these experiences.
I was also thankful that the story does not focus on what was done to them during their time behind the gates. Like Docile, the book sets the stage by touching on each aspect of the trauma but lets your mind fill in the rest. By doing this, it gave the book a faster pace, I could envision all the horrors without having to read each transgression on the page. The day to day life while in the cult would have been a book in itself, and that wasn't this story.
Larks journey is empowering in ways I would have never expected. From the connections he makes with outsiders, to the way he comes to terms with his reality being shattered, it's a must read ride. But it's not just him. Every point of view character in this book has a journey that is inspiring, surprising and well written. They were real people that we all know in life.
Calvin was every nerd, wishing the lord of the rings was a place we could visit. I was so thankful for the add in of this con / nerd duo. The two of them brought a comic relief that broke up the horrors of the cult in the right way. It bridged the magic of the cult with the magic of the outside world in a way that amplified the story.
The use of pronouns, gender and sexuality is well crafted. Loved how real it felt, flowing off the characters tongue with ease, not awkwardness or trepidation in the other characters response. It was just apart of society. Normal.
Finally, the use of magic. I don't want to give away spoilers, and it is hard to discuss this aspect of the book without doing so because it was woven into the plot so masterfully you have to read it to understand how much mind f*ckery is going on with it. I mean it's a cult, the magic was obviously a lie. Right? Was it a lie? I NEED TO KNOW.
If you loved Docile, you'll love this book.
Note: LGBT Rep. HP Mention.
Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, ptsd, explicit sex, sex with minors.
Every point of view in this book is masterfully constructed. The profound level of anguish within each chapter draws you in and doesn't let go. I think I read this book in less than 24 hours. I just couldn't put it down. I had to know if the characters made it out of their mental struggles, and were able to see the other side. If Lark can find the rainbow with everything that he experienced, that has to mean their is hope for the rest of us right?
Having read many accounts from outsiders looking in on cults, it was refreshing in a terrifying way to see the innerworkings of a mind within the followers (or anointed). We see the news of cults being "liberated" and often think, "so great those people were freed from a crazy person". But it's not that simple. Real people believed with everything they had in that person. There are real minds facing cognitive dissonance that can't be cured by someone saying "it wasn't real". You can't overcome that level of cognitive dissonance without first burning everything you are as a person, and rebuilding yourself from the ashes.
The way the author tackled this 'after it falls' period, dripped with the feeling that the author did the leg work to understand what goes into being devoted to a cult. Having read Docile, I couldn't imagine any other author writing these experiences.
I was also thankful that the story does not focus on what was done to them during their time behind the gates. Like Docile, the book sets the stage by touching on each aspect of the trauma but lets your mind fill in the rest. By doing this, it gave the book a faster pace, I could envision all the horrors without having to read each transgression on the page. The day to day life while in the cult would have been a book in itself, and that wasn't this story.
Larks journey is empowering in ways I would have never expected. From the connections he makes with outsiders, to the way he comes to terms with his reality being shattered, it's a must read ride. But it's not just him. Every point of view character in this book has a journey that is inspiring, surprising and well written. They were real people that we all know in life.
Calvin was every nerd, wishing the lord of the rings was a place we could visit. I was so thankful for the add in of this con / nerd duo. The two of them brought a comic relief that broke up the horrors of the cult in the right way. It bridged the magic of the cult with the magic of the outside world in a way that amplified the story.
The use of pronouns, gender and sexuality is well crafted. Loved how real it felt, flowing off the characters tongue with ease, not awkwardness or trepidation in the other characters response. It was just apart of society. Normal.
Finally, the use of magic. I don't want to give away spoilers, and it is hard to discuss this aspect of the book without doing so because it was woven into the plot so masterfully you have to read it to understand how much mind f*ckery is going on with it. I mean it's a cult, the magic was obviously a lie. Right? Was it a lie? I NEED TO KNOW.
If you loved Docile, you'll love this book.
Note: LGBT Rep. HP Mention.
Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, ptsd, explicit sex, sex with minors.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Sexual content, Sexual violence, and Torture
Moderate: Adult/minor relationship, Rape, and Sexual assault
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