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3.56 AVERAGE
3.56 AVERAGE
Thank goodness, this book is terribly dated. Though she does acknowledge there are exceptions to gender-specific communication, You Just Don't Understand serves as another example that gender is on a sliding scale rather than on a fixed point. For instance, she writes, "Women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners...Women expect decisions to be discussed first and made by consensus...men feel oppressed by lengthy discussions about what they see as minor decisions, and they feel hemmed in if they can't just act without talking first." The man's attitude in this situation has always been my own; I don't want a partner who expects me to consult or even inform them every time I plan to make a decision (it makes me feel suffocated), but one who both values my judgment and is secure enough in our relationship to trust me and respect my choices. Throughout the book I found myself relating to either what she describes as the traditionally men's point of view or a combination of both. For example, when presented with a friend's problem, Dr. Tannen illustrates that men will mitigate the problem by dismissing it as unimportant in order to decrease their friend's anxiety over it (there are several ways to do this) while women will show support and agreement with the friend's anxiety in order to make her feel that she's not dealing with it alone (there are several ways to do this also). I have done both, depending on the circumstances.
I recommend You Just Don't Understand for anyone interested in honing their awareness of different conversational styles, the ways our backgrounds influence our communication as well as our expectations of others' communication with us, the misunderstandings that arise from incorrectly interpreting the metamessages underlying verbal speech, and the ways in which it is possible to reduce the verbal conflicts which are caused by these differences, but only as it applies to individuals, regardless of their gender.
I recommend You Just Don't Understand for anyone interested in honing their awareness of different conversational styles, the ways our backgrounds influence our communication as well as our expectations of others' communication with us, the misunderstandings that arise from incorrectly interpreting the metamessages underlying verbal speech, and the ways in which it is possible to reduce the verbal conflicts which are caused by these differences, but only as it applies to individuals, regardless of their gender.
3.5 stars. A little dated, but still rang true to my experiences on many counts. I'd be interested to read how more recent scholarship builds on her points.
This book was informative and the same as That's Not What I MEANT, which is why I got bored and didn't pick it up for a week. That said, the information Tannen gives us about everything from gender differences to my favorite thing ever = complementary schismogenesis is interesting and useful and completely applicable to everyday life.
Also, as an author, I'm incorporating her information about how teenage guys talk to each other into my book! It's been very helpful.
If you're trying to decide between this and That's Not What I MEANT, choose That's Not What I MEANT! It's much more interesting, in my opinion, and covers a wider range of topics. I know that this book was supposed to focused on gender differences in conversational styles, but she repeated the same themes over and over again with different examples. Maybe I didn't require more explanation and was just annoyed with the repeating, which was useful to other readers; I don't know. But I was disappointed to find that the focusing on gender differences was not more absorbing or surprising.
What I've learned:
Men generally do report-talk, exchanging impersonal information. They navigate conversations in an asymmetrical style and are extremely aware of negotiations of status and one-upping in conversations. They tend to sit not facing each other exactly, looking around the room and not always at people's faces when they're talking among friends, which is seen as more of a challenge. Preserving independence and status is the key here. Relationships are strengthened by doing activities and showing status.
Woman do rapport-talk, exchanging personal information. They are more contained physically during conversations and sit looking right at each other when they speak. They generally view conversations through the lens of conversations and talking and see intimacy through conversation generally as the goal, which is why you have the well-known scene of the woman wanting to talk while the husband is reading the paper. The book explains that women see men not needing or wanting to talk all the time as a sign that they don't want more closeness or are pulling away, while men see women's desire to always be talking to them controlling or limiting independence.
I appreciated Tannen's objective style and tone and will read more of her work in the future! I'm interesting in applied linguistics, after all!
Also, as an author, I'm incorporating her information about how teenage guys talk to each other into my book! It's been very helpful.
If you're trying to decide between this and That's Not What I MEANT, choose That's Not What I MEANT! It's much more interesting, in my opinion, and covers a wider range of topics. I know that this book was supposed to focused on gender differences in conversational styles, but she repeated the same themes over and over again with different examples. Maybe I didn't require more explanation and was just annoyed with the repeating, which was useful to other readers; I don't know. But I was disappointed to find that the focusing on gender differences was not more absorbing or surprising.
What I've learned:
Men generally do report-talk, exchanging impersonal information. They navigate conversations in an asymmetrical style and are extremely aware of negotiations of status and one-upping in conversations. They tend to sit not facing each other exactly, looking around the room and not always at people's faces when they're talking among friends, which is seen as more of a challenge. Preserving independence and status is the key here. Relationships are strengthened by doing activities and showing status.
Woman do rapport-talk, exchanging personal information. They are more contained physically during conversations and sit looking right at each other when they speak. They generally view conversations through the lens of conversations and talking and see intimacy through conversation generally as the goal, which is why you have the well-known scene of the woman wanting to talk while the husband is reading the paper. The book explains that women see men not needing or wanting to talk all the time as a sign that they don't want more closeness or are pulling away, while men see women's desire to always be talking to them controlling or limiting independence.
I appreciated Tannen's objective style and tone and will read more of her work in the future! I'm interesting in applied linguistics, after all!
informative
reflective
medium-paced
challenging
informative
medium-paced
funny
informative
reflective
medium-paced
informative
reflective
medium-paced
Considered a breakthrough study when it first appeared, constantly referred to when I was in college and in Res Life. Now it all seems somewhat obvious and very generalized.
It took me about a year to get through this, just because I kept putting it down and forgetting it. It was an easy read, though. More detailed than I really needed, but not at all too dense. Just many, many examples. The book covers gender communication in general, with plenty of attention given to children, So it's definitely more textbook than self-help.