Reviews with content warning for Panic attacks/disorders - My Dark Vanessa

I liked to listen to Lana del Rey while reading specifically chemtrails over the country club
Spoilers??

I really hated reading this, especially the first half of the book because it is so cloaked with denial and disturbing behaviour. I didn’t find it that well written… maybe that was the point? Whatever I don’t really care. I did appreciate those tiny clues that show doubt in the toxic narrative she (and strane) tell herself, and then the immediate dismissal. The ending makes it worth it… at least for me. I never expected for her to develop as a character. Although it can be seen as a minor change when you’re in such an emotionally turbulent state, it’s actually massive. Seeing her transition from clinging onto survival to starting to have hope for the future was beautiful. I liked the nuance it gave survivors of sexual abuse/harassment, the differing expectations that society demands from them and their guilt.

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ellemwan's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

This is the hardest book I’ve ever read. Please be cautious it’s so so tough

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lilysaddler's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

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kxrxxrcher's review against another edition

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dark emotional sad tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.75

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wwvan3ssa's review

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challenging dark emotional informative mysterious reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

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heathergeorge's review

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

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emmapaigereads's review

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challenging dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

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whittaker's review against another edition

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challenging dark tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

This book is so difficult and yet so captivating that it's hard to truly sum it up. Ultimately, it is hard to love Vanessa in the world of Me Too (and sometimes our own stories) but her story is so important. Her story is the perfect example of how trauma can manifest and whilst I understand the criticism that the story might be romanticising, I don't think it is. It's written from a victim's point of view and so we witness her try and romanticise it - and she references this so much. She is an unreliable narrator but it's the perfect example of how being groomed at a young age can warp your sense of reality - and when we read what Strane does, says, there is no doubt in our mind that he is a pedophile. We witness her go through this trauma and then as an adult come to terms with it - we can see the inconsistencies as she remembers things differently as an adult.

She states directly that when he first had sex (well, rape) with her, it was rape at the time - she said no, didn't want it, forced it - she even recalls times he ignored her "no"s or when she was clearly forced into it, even when he would do it when she was asleep. But when she's older she's forgotten this, states it was never rape, she was into it (ignoring statutory rape). It's so clear as a reader that this is the product of being groomed and raped - she's dissociating, has memory blocks and is also trying to convince herself that she wanted it, because if she didn't then she has to come to terms with what happens <\spoilers> Vanessa does things we don't like, but I think it's needed to explore this trauma - how it manifests, how a victim doesn't have to be a "good" victim. We see all the different ways she has been affected by this, and how disgusting it is that she was put through this, continuously held in this loop and failed by everyone.

I don't think this is a book to be read by everyone, and especially not by people who may miss nuance, or who may romanticise it - I'm sure if I was very young when I read this I might've missed the gaslighting and grooming. I also think with the graphic descriptions this book would be incredibly difficult for a grooming or rape victim to read. But that isn't to say that this book hasn't stuck with me, changed me somewhat.

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