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2.97 AVERAGE
2.97 AVERAGE
Granted, I’m not the target audience for this book, but there is a bit of practical, usable information contained within its pages. You will just have to look past his bias (and second-class viewing) of non-Christians.
I was recommended this book by a wise friend and I think there is definitely a need for a book like this discussing the need for boundaries (both emotional and physical) within a marriage to keep the covenant maintained and the marriage strong. However, this is not that book. The author may have been well intentioned but he failed on a number of crucial points necessary for strong argument and just plain old good writing.
1. He lacked a consistent, coherent thesis. In fact he never really defined what a hedge was or stuck to a clear message. Most of the book was stories of friends he knew who got divorces because they crossed boundaries but he claims if they had hedges the affairs would never have happened. His focus was kind of the danger of infidelity but he contradicts himself on many details. He even ended the book without tying anything together. He just dropped 3 unrelated stories about difficult marriages that got better through loving each other - nothing to do with marital infidelity, which left the reader super confused as to what a hedge really is and what is his point?
2. His tone was condescending, arrogant, and legalistic. Even though he said at the beginning of the book that not everyone should adopt his exact hedges, I felt more like he was subtly saying “but my hedges are the best and that’s why my wife and I have stayed together.” Most of the book are stories from friends or from his life where he looks down on those who don’t have hedges and fell, all while rooting his own horn about how he hasn’t fallen because of his hedges. I don’t think this tone was intentional on his part, but it was very off putting.
3. The facts, stats, and data he used was suspect. Some were outdated (from 35 years before the book was written). Other data didn’t have good sample sizes and some was outright wrong due to unclear questions and responses.
4. Worse than the bad data was his use of the data! He typically used the data to get on his high horse of boomer bias and say how good the olden days used to be when the divorce rate was lower back in the 30’s or 50’s. Nevermind the rate of alcoholism or physical abuse and sexism back then, or the fact that women had to depend on men financially for those years. The divorce rate was lower so it must have meant more stable families, right
5. Some parts of the book were very cringeworthy and uncomfortable. For example, he once told a female colleague she looked delicious. Excuse me? That’s just creepy, that’s not even flirting, just creepy. Then he used that to say how he now has a hedge to just compliment women on what they wear, not their physical beauty. (He covered it up by saying he meant delicious like fruit but really? Who says that?) Other parts of the book made it seem like all men are sex crazed and constantly tempted by women they just met. I don’t think every man or woman for that matter is that tempted by sitting on the plane next to an attractive person of the opposite sex to want to immediately have sex with them! (Real story of real dude in the book)
6. His Bible backing was minimal and weakly supported. The hedge verse he uses is from Job where it says God put a hedge around Job. Really? That’s not related to infidelity at all. It felt like a topical sermon gone south with him trying to find Bible passages to support his book rather than him finding truths from scripture first.
7. All in all, the book seemed much more legalistic than grace based. He mentioned the gospel a few times, but he also stuck to very strict rules without always addressing the core heart struggles. Furthermore, if I was an adulterer, I would not feel grace from this book because he calls them liars at multiple times in the book. He’s very inconsistent in his gospel message. Which is it: grace or legalism? Which is it: we are all adulterers in heart or actual adulterers are on a different tier of sinners? Which is it: we should have hedges in place and not focus on heart issues or we should work on our heart issues because hedges are solely external rules?
8. He used fear as a motivator instead of love. The reason for building hedges he thinks should be driven from fear of falling into adultery. His entire argument is built on this fear motivation, which I think is inherently flawed. Yes, we should be aware of how susceptible all of us are to sin but I think our primary motivation should be love for our spouse, not fear of cheating on them. Overall I don’t think it’s a biblical approach to use only fear. He ignored a lot of core heart issues this way. Instead of repenting of the lust in our hearts, he focused on fear motivating us to have external hedges. Doesn’t God want us to be sanctified though? Doesn’t He care more about our hearts than about the external rules we are following? I felt like the author didn’t care about this point. He was hyper focused on the outward safety net of not falling into adultery.
All in all, I would recommend reading a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend instead. Their Boundaries book accomplishes the same concept but better and consistently. I hear they have a book called Boundaries in Marriage. I haven’t read that but I can guess it’s probably a more valuable read. Again, I think this author was well meaning but he just had terribly poor execution. I’m kind of surprised he’s written so many books but he cannot successfully write an organized, thesis driven, clear nonfiction book.
1. He lacked a consistent, coherent thesis. In fact he never really defined what a hedge was or stuck to a clear message. Most of the book was stories of friends he knew who got divorces because they crossed boundaries but he claims if they had hedges the affairs would never have happened. His focus was kind of the danger of infidelity but he contradicts himself on many details. He even ended the book without tying anything together. He just dropped 3 unrelated stories about difficult marriages that got better through loving each other - nothing to do with marital infidelity, which left the reader super confused as to what a hedge really is and what is his point?
2. His tone was condescending, arrogant, and legalistic. Even though he said at the beginning of the book that not everyone should adopt his exact hedges, I felt more like he was subtly saying “but my hedges are the best and that’s why my wife and I have stayed together.” Most of the book are stories from friends or from his life where he looks down on those who don’t have hedges and fell, all while rooting his own horn about how he hasn’t fallen because of his hedges. I don’t think this tone was intentional on his part, but it was very off putting.
3. The facts, stats, and data he used was suspect. Some were outdated (from 35 years before the book was written). Other data didn’t have good sample sizes and some was outright wrong due to unclear questions and responses.
4. Worse than the bad data was his use of the data! He typically used the data to get on his high horse of boomer bias and say how good the olden days used to be when the divorce rate was lower back in the 30’s or 50’s. Nevermind the rate of alcoholism or physical abuse and sexism back then, or the fact that women had to depend on men financially for those years. The divorce rate was lower so it must have meant more stable families, right
5. Some parts of the book were very cringeworthy and uncomfortable. For example, he once told a female colleague she looked delicious. Excuse me? That’s just creepy, that’s not even flirting, just creepy. Then he used that to say how he now has a hedge to just compliment women on what they wear, not their physical beauty. (He covered it up by saying he meant delicious like fruit but really? Who says that?) Other parts of the book made it seem like all men are sex crazed and constantly tempted by women they just met. I don’t think every man or woman for that matter is that tempted by sitting on the plane next to an attractive person of the opposite sex to want to immediately have sex with them! (Real story of real dude in the book)
6. His Bible backing was minimal and weakly supported. The hedge verse he uses is from Job where it says God put a hedge around Job. Really? That’s not related to infidelity at all. It felt like a topical sermon gone south with him trying to find Bible passages to support his book rather than him finding truths from scripture first.
7. All in all, the book seemed much more legalistic than grace based. He mentioned the gospel a few times, but he also stuck to very strict rules without always addressing the core heart struggles. Furthermore, if I was an adulterer, I would not feel grace from this book because he calls them liars at multiple times in the book. He’s very inconsistent in his gospel message. Which is it: grace or legalism? Which is it: we are all adulterers in heart or actual adulterers are on a different tier of sinners? Which is it: we should have hedges in place and not focus on heart issues or we should work on our heart issues because hedges are solely external rules?
8. He used fear as a motivator instead of love. The reason for building hedges he thinks should be driven from fear of falling into adultery. His entire argument is built on this fear motivation, which I think is inherently flawed. Yes, we should be aware of how susceptible all of us are to sin but I think our primary motivation should be love for our spouse, not fear of cheating on them. Overall I don’t think it’s a biblical approach to use only fear. He ignored a lot of core heart issues this way. Instead of repenting of the lust in our hearts, he focused on fear motivating us to have external hedges. Doesn’t God want us to be sanctified though? Doesn’t He care more about our hearts than about the external rules we are following? I felt like the author didn’t care about this point. He was hyper focused on the outward safety net of not falling into adultery.
All in all, I would recommend reading a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend instead. Their Boundaries book accomplishes the same concept but better and consistently. I hear they have a book called Boundaries in Marriage. I haven’t read that but I can guess it’s probably a more valuable read. Again, I think this author was well meaning but he just had terribly poor execution. I’m kind of surprised he’s written so many books but he cannot successfully write an organized, thesis driven, clear nonfiction book.
Jenkins gives a lot of good common-sense advice for Christian (and generally moral) men who don't want to get divorced. His tone is conversational and down to earth. I read it alone in a single sitting but I am sure it would make for some pretty interesting group discussions. Thanks, Mama!
My wife and I attempt to regularly read books on marriage. Some are better than others. However, all of the books on marriage that I have read over the years have always encouraged and helped me in my marriage. Professionals in all trades of life pursue a lifelong quest of learning and growing in their trade. Why do most married couples not continue in their learning and growing in this all important relationship of marriage??
I liked the frankness in which Jerry Jenkins writes this book. He was humble enough to share some of the different weaknesses he has faced over the years. Most authors on this topic will not delve into their own life or weaknesses.
The author's basic premise of the book is not to fight lust or inappropriate relationships. Over and over again, he quotes the Apostle Paul's admonition to Timothy to "Flee fornication." In other words, run from the scene! Run from the temptation! Run from any situation which might start you on the slippery slope to adultery or fornication!
And in fleeing these temptations, the author suggests that we plant different hedges to protect that most important of relationships. I like that the author gives the hedges that he has implemented in his life; however, he also makes it very clear that his hedges might not be the hedges the reader needs to implement. Every person is different!
Included in this book is a DVD featuring a condensed message based on this book that the author gave at a church. This would be excellent to watch with your spouse!
I liked the frankness in which Jerry Jenkins writes this book. He was humble enough to share some of the different weaknesses he has faced over the years. Most authors on this topic will not delve into their own life or weaknesses.
The author's basic premise of the book is not to fight lust or inappropriate relationships. Over and over again, he quotes the Apostle Paul's admonition to Timothy to "Flee fornication." In other words, run from the scene! Run from the temptation! Run from any situation which might start you on the slippery slope to adultery or fornication!
And in fleeing these temptations, the author suggests that we plant different hedges to protect that most important of relationships. I like that the author gives the hedges that he has implemented in his life; however, he also makes it very clear that his hedges might not be the hedges the reader needs to implement. Every person is different!
Included in this book is a DVD featuring a condensed message based on this book that the author gave at a church. This would be excellent to watch with your spouse!
challenging
informative
reflective
sad
fast-paced
This book was one of the ones gifted to me at my bridal shower. As soon as I started reading, I realized that this was an odd choice of wedding present. First, because I am female, and this book is clearly aimed at men. Second, because this is essentially a "how not to cheat on your spouse" manual.
Now, that being said, the book is not bad for what it is or is trying to do. The author is a man, writing to men, but much of what he says can be applied to women as well. It's a fairly quick read, talking about setting boundaries or "hedges" up in your relationships so as to not get into compromising situations in the first place (rather than just counting on having the willpower to resist when you're already there) and how to strengthen your relationship so that you aren't feeling the need to find someone else. I felt like a lot of the advice was pretty "common sense" to me, but I know from looking at other couples that I've interacted with that common sense isn't actually all that common. I also appreciated the author's repeated mentions that the particulars he lists are his personal lines, and that other people might find them way overkill, while at the same time needing boundaries in places he'd never even thought of.
However, what keeps this from getting a higher star rating is the author's writing style. He strives to be frank and open about his struggles, which is admirable and appropriate for the book, but it also came off as... idk. A little bit "all men are secretly perverts"? I think saying the book comes off as misogynistic and misandrist simultaneously is too strong, but the author clearly holds some ideas about gender and gender roles that I can't quite get behind.
Now, that being said, the book is not bad for what it is or is trying to do. The author is a man, writing to men, but much of what he says can be applied to women as well. It's a fairly quick read, talking about setting boundaries or "hedges" up in your relationships so as to not get into compromising situations in the first place (rather than just counting on having the willpower to resist when you're already there) and how to strengthen your relationship so that you aren't feeling the need to find someone else. I felt like a lot of the advice was pretty "common sense" to me, but I know from looking at other couples that I've interacted with that common sense isn't actually all that common. I also appreciated the author's repeated mentions that the particulars he lists are his personal lines, and that other people might find them way overkill, while at the same time needing boundaries in places he'd never even thought of.
However, what keeps this from getting a higher star rating is the author's writing style. He strives to be frank and open about his struggles, which is admirable and appropriate for the book, but it also came off as... idk. A little bit "all men are secretly perverts"? I think saying the book comes off as misogynistic and misandrist simultaneously is too strong, but the author clearly holds some ideas about gender and gender roles that I can't quite get behind.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Infidelity
While I'm not married, Jenkins does a great job valuing ideals and boundaries a lot of people would consider old school or irrelevant. Since I'm someone who's quick to shake my head and say, "Is it really that big a deal?" or say it's not my problem, his truthfulness was a solid reminder to me that we should protect the relationships we we've been blessed with, and we should express enjoyment over love and our families.