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3.71 AVERAGE
3.71 AVERAGE
For those who are really "too nice". I feel this would have helped me alot a couple years ago, but it was still worth reading through.
Even though this book is primarily aimed at men who want to turn their lives around, I really enjoyed reading this. It had a lot of tips and tricks to change a man's lacklustre life into an exciting, abundant one. The author even included real-life scenarios from his therapy groups and gave the readers a better understanding of the situation. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who wants better insight into the psychology of men.
hopeful
informative
reflective
slow-paced
reflective
slow-paced
fast-paced
Mostly a waste of time. It is at many points sexist, and at some points outrightly misogynistic. It is also incredibly outdated for 2022 (first published in 2003 after 6yrs of writing).
This book is a product of patriarchy and remains working within the paradigm of patriarchy. I agree with the main points he makes (they are general and it's hard to disagree), which can be boiled down to 1) be yourself 2) be honest 3) treat your needs as valid and reasonably out them first, and although there may be some discord or strife it is okay and healthy relationships benefit from disagreements and fights.
But the ways in which he frames how "weak men" are raised in the society of the 80s and 90s was deeply flawed and myopic. He seems to blame women for raising weak men... when women are responsible for raising/nurturing children... And that part of the problem is that there is a 20:1 ratio of female to male elementary teachers (and doesn't say that's the case because teachers are not well paid and that traditionally female professions are lower-paid "care" positions...) At one point, he says that men need to recognize their fathers were human beings who make mistakes... as far as I recall, not once did he acknowledge that women/wives/girlfriends were people with their own needs and flaws and were deserving of respect as people. (He does say in the chapter on sexuality that women have sexual needs, and that a man who focuses too much on pleasing his partner and her needs is shortchanging himself... make of that what you will.) But acknowledging women as more than just sex machines for whom you rack up good deeds and expect a periodic payout of sex? That's called objectification, and *not in one place* did Glover acknowledge that this was a bad thing that white patriarchal society implicitly teaches its members.
The book itself was poorly written: repetitive (it is a self-help book, so repetitiveness to get his point across is a standard component of the genre), filled with prospective generalizations, lacks contextualization of psychological theories (he is Freudian without acknowledging it, subscribes to part of John Bowlby's research on childhood attachment theory without discussing that at all), to name a few sins. Sure, he liberally uses anecdotes and examples from his own practice (I'm sure with consent from his patients and changed names to protect their privacy) to illustrate his points. But as Glover has a PhD in marriage and family, I'm appalled that he only specifically references Camille Paglia (some writer for "Salon"?) and John Bly during the entire 200 pages of his book. AND! When he references it, he does so from a white heteronormative male perspective that centralizes white culture -- the quotation marks around "primitive" don't help. What bothers me most is the lack of specifics -- just, "tribal cultures have a ritual where the men come and steal away the boys from their mothers, who weep and wail and clutch at their sons and really ham it up while doing so". Where is this culture? How does it compare throughout the world? Can you give me at least two examples of how that contrasts with what we do/don't do as the white part of American society? Ugh. So annoying and awful, and every page of writing made me want to hurl the book across the room.
The conclusion was okay, and brought this book back up from a 1 star to a 2 star. But as I said above, it's a waste of time. There are better and more recent books out there. Top of mind that I've read are "Attached" by Levine and Heller and "Principia Amoris" by Gottman.
This book is a product of patriarchy and remains working within the paradigm of patriarchy. I agree with the main points he makes (they are general and it's hard to disagree), which can be boiled down to 1) be yourself 2) be honest 3) treat your needs as valid and reasonably out them first, and although there may be some discord or strife it is okay and healthy relationships benefit from disagreements and fights.
But the ways in which he frames how "weak men" are raised in the society of the 80s and 90s was deeply flawed and myopic. He seems to blame women for raising weak men... when women are responsible for raising/nurturing children... And that part of the problem is that there is a 20:1 ratio of female to male elementary teachers (and doesn't say that's the case because teachers are not well paid and that traditionally female professions are lower-paid "care" positions...) At one point, he says that men need to recognize their fathers were human beings who make mistakes... as far as I recall, not once did he acknowledge that women/wives/girlfriends were people with their own needs and flaws and were deserving of respect as people. (He does say in the chapter on sexuality that women have sexual needs, and that a man who focuses too much on pleasing his partner and her needs is shortchanging himself... make of that what you will.) But acknowledging women as more than just sex machines for whom you rack up good deeds and expect a periodic payout of sex? That's called objectification, and *not in one place* did Glover acknowledge that this was a bad thing that white patriarchal society implicitly teaches its members.
The book itself was poorly written: repetitive (it is a self-help book, so repetitiveness to get his point across is a standard component of the genre), filled with prospective generalizations, lacks contextualization of psychological theories (he is Freudian without acknowledging it, subscribes to part of John Bowlby's research on childhood attachment theory without discussing that at all), to name a few sins. Sure, he liberally uses anecdotes and examples from his own practice (I'm sure with consent from his patients and changed names to protect their privacy) to illustrate his points. But as Glover has a PhD in marriage and family, I'm appalled that he only specifically references Camille Paglia (some writer for "Salon"?) and John Bly during the entire 200 pages of his book. AND! When he references it, he does so from a white heteronormative male perspective that centralizes white culture -- the quotation marks around "primitive" don't help. What bothers me most is the lack of specifics -- just, "tribal cultures have a ritual where the men come and steal away the boys from their mothers, who weep and wail and clutch at their sons and really ham it up while doing so". Where is this culture? How does it compare throughout the world? Can you give me at least two examples of how that contrasts with what we do/don't do as the white part of American society? Ugh. So annoying and awful, and every page of writing made me want to hurl the book across the room.
The conclusion was okay, and brought this book back up from a 1 star to a 2 star. But as I said above, it's a waste of time. There are better and more recent books out there. Top of mind that I've read are "Attached" by Levine and Heller and "Principia Amoris" by Gottman.
medium-paced
I had found a recommendation for this book a while back on a Reddit thread about divorce. It was presented as something to read to recover and work on oneself while going through the process of divorce, specifically while having a co-dependent partner.
While there may be a few nuggets of wisdom sprinkled throughout the book, it is often difficult to get to as you have to make your way to the ceaseless pushing of the Nice Guy Recovery Group suggestions and the consistent teasing of the actual information you're looking for. Often times I found myself thinking about just putting the book down and moving on to anything more productive. There is also the fact that there is a theme of chauvenism, for lack of a better word, where it's presented that the male has to assert dominance over their partner for them to gain respect and to be the proper leader in the relationship.
If you can get past the insinuation that you were abandoned as a child by your distanced father and that your mother was needy and made you this way, there are some good things you can deem out of this book. Some of the exercises could prove beneficial and it offers the chance to see what could be seen as Nice Guy Syndrom in oneself to correct behaviors and the shame that is talked about in this book.
While there may be a few nuggets of wisdom sprinkled throughout the book, it is often difficult to get to as you have to make your way to the ceaseless pushing of the Nice Guy Recovery Group suggestions and the consistent teasing of the actual information you're looking for. Often times I found myself thinking about just putting the book down and moving on to anything more productive. There is also the fact that there is a theme of chauvenism, for lack of a better word, where it's presented that the male has to assert dominance over their partner for them to gain respect and to be the proper leader in the relationship.
If you can get past the insinuation that you were abandoned as a child by your distanced father and that your mother was needy and made you this way, there are some good things you can deem out of this book. Some of the exercises could prove beneficial and it offers the chance to see what could be seen as Nice Guy Syndrom in oneself to correct behaviors and the shame that is talked about in this book.
informative
medium-paced
There are some good ideas in this book, such as taking care of oneself and not become a people pleaser, but the overarching premise of men acting in a nice guy manner attributed to "their needs not being met in timely manner in childhood" and constant encouragement to join the authors "Recovering nice guys groups" was nauseating.