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purplemuskogee's review
dark
emotional
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
This book was not at all what I thought I was going to read - I expected mostly archeology, with a bit of memoir, based on summaries read online, and it was the other way around: a memoir, with a bit of archeology sprinkled on top.
I still loved it a lot. Sarah Tarlow writes about the death of her husband, Mark, his deterioration from an unkown and undiagnosed illness, and his death by suicide in 2016, on a rare evening she was out.
Sarah's husband does not come across as a nice person, even when she remembers the start of their relationship, when she was fascinated by how smart, witty and quick he was - he is also judgmental, unromantic, and, although she doesn't word it that way... just not a feminist. He's a man who sharpens the kitchen knives in the evening but leaves raising children, doing the laundry, cooking, payingthe bills, to his wife. She's so incredibly honest in her retelling of their relationship when he became ill, remembering how she hoped at some point that he would get better so that they could separate (she ended up marrying him - two weeks before his death and just on time to make her life as a widdow slightly "better" than if they had not been married). She goes on and on about how difficult he was, how he made her feel guilty the one time she had a friend around, when she was working and managing his care completely - on top of raising three children. She goes into details about the life of a carer - being late at work because the carer you hired is late in traffic, having to learn skills you never developed because the other person was in charge, feeling like everything relies on you and never having a day off.
There is some archeology, every now and then - she makes parallels between her life and her situation; and what she has encountered through work, but this really is a memoir about dealing with a very ill partner, not being sure whether he would make it or not, and trying to cope. Sarah is so honest about the ugly sides of it, including her wanting to escape, her having to care for someone she was no longer getting on with, looking after kids when their father is dying, feeling bad for not feeling guilty after a suicide... I felt at times I wished she was near me so I could squeeze her arm in sympathy: it was that raw and that well-written.
I can see in the acknowledgements that she has since met someone new, and it genuinely made me feel so happy for her. I found it incredibly moving and sad and I hope it brought her peace: in the book I can see she is being super honest and trying to show everything she did, including things she was not sure about, and she writes beautifully about her frustrations looking after someone who is very ill. And despite what might seem ugly or unkind at times - making a show of how things are difficult around him, being moody and not being up to chat -, I felt nothing but understanding towards her and I loved this book. I like to imagine that because it is so honest, it was somehow therapeutic for her, and I hope so.
Anyway. 5 stars. I found it surprisingly moving and interesting, and the writing was beautiful in a straightforward kind of way.
Free ARC shared by Netgalley.
I still loved it a lot. Sarah Tarlow writes about the death of her husband, Mark, his deterioration from an unkown and undiagnosed illness, and his death by suicide in 2016, on a rare evening she was out.
Sarah's husband does not come across as a nice person, even when she remembers the start of their relationship, when she was fascinated by how smart, witty and quick he was - he is also judgmental, unromantic, and, although she doesn't word it that way... just not a feminist. He's a man who sharpens the kitchen knives in the evening but leaves raising children, doing the laundry, cooking, payingthe bills, to his wife. She's so incredibly honest in her retelling of their relationship when he became ill, remembering how she hoped at some point that he would get better so that they could separate (she ended up marrying him - two weeks before his death and just on time to make her life as a widdow slightly "better" than if they had not been married). She goes on and on about how difficult he was, how he made her feel guilty the one time she had a friend around, when she was working and managing his care completely - on top of raising three children. She goes into details about the life of a carer - being late at work because the carer you hired is late in traffic, having to learn skills you never developed because the other person was in charge, feeling like everything relies on you and never having a day off.
There is some archeology, every now and then - she makes parallels between her life and her situation; and what she has encountered through work, but this really is a memoir about dealing with a very ill partner, not being sure whether he would make it or not, and trying to cope. Sarah is so honest about the ugly sides of it, including her wanting to escape, her having to care for someone she was no longer getting on with, looking after kids when their father is dying, feeling bad for not feeling guilty after a suicide... I felt at times I wished she was near me so I could squeeze her arm in sympathy: it was that raw and that well-written.
I can see in the acknowledgements that she has since met someone new, and it genuinely made me feel so happy for her. I found it incredibly moving and sad and I hope it brought her peace: in the book I can see she is being super honest and trying to show everything she did, including things she was not sure about, and she writes beautifully about her frustrations looking after someone who is very ill. And despite what might seem ugly or unkind at times - making a show of how things are difficult around him, being moody and not being up to chat -, I felt nothing but understanding towards her and I loved this book. I like to imagine that because it is so honest, it was somehow therapeutic for her, and I hope so.
Anyway. 5 stars. I found it surprisingly moving and interesting, and the writing was beautiful in a straightforward kind of way.
Free ARC shared by Netgalley.
maiahhtratchh's review
challenging
emotional
reflective
sad
medium-paced
4.75
Whoa. This was an intense, raw, and completely honest read. I’ve never read something like it. It did not shy away from the knitty gritty and she didn’t try to bullshit and paint herself like a saviour. It really made me think hard and reflect on my own misguided understandings of the role of caregivers. As an archaeologist, I love the weaving together of the historical case studies within the narrative. I believe it enhanced the story and how Sarah was able to process it through her expertise. I think it also presents really important context and opinions on suicide, specifically in a medical setting.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Suicide, Terminal illness, Grief, Chronic illness, Death, Medical content, and Suicidal thoughts
lian's review
challenging
dark
emotional
sad
slow-paced
3.5
It's very difficult to review a memoir, most of all when it's so personal as this one. After reading this book, which tells a heartbreaking story about the spouse of the author who died from suicide after an undiagnosed illness made their life increasingly difficult, it feels inappropriate to critique the book. It's written very well, and I grew to really care for Sarah and Mark. Her thoughts on how lacking our societal conversation is about caregiving (we don't want to talk about how difficult it can be, and we tend to shift the focus to how noble and loving caregiving is - even when it isn't) are excellent and needed.
However, I feel like the focus of this book was not so much on loss, but more on being a caregiver, and so, it didn't really meet my expectations. Not to say that it isn't an important topic as well, but I felt like I didn't really read what I had expected to read about (which was, Sarah's personal experience of loss in the context of archaeology and the human experience of loss throughout history).
Finally, a little afterthought for this review. Something in the final chapter bothered me a little: Sarah's insistence that we should coin a new term for a suicide which doesn't stem from mental illness, because "his was an act of courage and love. Say 'suicide' and people think of the desperate act of an otherwise healthy individual succumbing to severe depression. [..] with the right help, this kind of suicide should not be inevitable: their depression could have been treated."
As someone with my own experience in bereavement by suicide, this bugs me a little. Depression is not always treatable. Suicides where the person has mental ilnessess can be an act of courage and love too. My personal take is, let's expand this rigid definition of suicide and work to erase the stigma, instead of coining a new term so some people circumvent this stigma.
I definitely understand where she's coming from though. It can be hard to be confronted with people's assumptions and feelings, and I'm glad this book exists to try and help break open the conversation surrounding not only suicide, but death, caregiving, and terminal illness as well.
However, I feel like the focus of this book was not so much on loss, but more on being a caregiver, and so, it didn't really meet my expectations. Not to say that it isn't an important topic as well, but I felt like I didn't really read what I had expected to read about (which was, Sarah's personal experience of loss in the context of archaeology and the human experience of loss throughout history).
Finally, a little afterthought for this review. Something in the final chapter bothered me a little: Sarah's insistence that we should coin a new term for a suicide which doesn't stem from mental illness, because "his was an act of courage and love. Say 'suicide' and people think of the desperate act of an otherwise healthy individual succumbing to severe depression. [..] with the right help, this kind of suicide should not be inevitable: their depression could have been treated."
As someone with my own experience in bereavement by suicide, this bugs me a little. Depression is not always treatable. Suicides where the person has mental ilnessess can be an act of courage and love too. My personal take is, let's expand this rigid definition of suicide and work to erase the stigma, instead of coining a new term so some people circumvent this stigma.
I definitely understand where she's coming from though. It can be hard to be confronted with people's assumptions and feelings, and I'm glad this book exists to try and help break open the conversation surrounding not only suicide, but death, caregiving, and terminal illness as well.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Chronic illness, Suicide, Terminal illness, and Suicidal thoughts
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