Reviews with content warning for Toxic relationship - The Sex Lives of African Women

Reviews tagging 'Toxic relationship'

The Sex Lives of African Women by Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah

7 reviews

wingspan's review against another edition

adventurous challenging dark emotional hopeful informative reflective sad tense medium-paced

5.0

Absolutely necessary to read for women sexual and autonomy freedom and those still learning how to be sexually free.
We see ALL walks of life here, and all of them are worth knowing more. Def reccomend!

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kwaeisig's review against another edition

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challenging emotional funny informative inspiring reflective medium-paced

4.5

I wish the book had more stories from cisgendered heterosexual women in loving relationships and positive sex lives & I also wish there were more representations of Black women from the diaspora from the USA.

Content Warnings

Moderate: Abortion, Child abuse, Racism, Rape, Pregnancy, Religious bigotry, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Emotional abuse, Miscarriage, Misogyny, Physical abuse, Sexual assault, Sexual violence, Toxic relationship, and Toxic friendship

Minor: Lesbophobia, Mental illness, Homophobia, Infertility, Ableism, Alcohol, Infidelity, Biphobia, and Classism

I think this book makes us stop and think about what sex is and means for the diaspora of Black women across the globe. It has no one definition and is an ever changing concept and women age and grow and experience new things throughout their lives. The way sex is viewed starts young and many times children are having sexual acts among themselves which is disheartening and troublesome and difficult to acknowledge. As many parents work to shield their children from such exposure, somehow, they are still being exposed be it from the media or their peers or watching adult interactions/mannerisms. I think this book does a good job by highlighting the similarities in all of our differences as Black women and how at the end of the day, we all wants to be understood, respected, listened to, and honored, while also having the freedom to have guiltless shameless sex that ends in orgasm without regret, sexual assault, or rape. This books makes you think of the younger generation of children that are on the cusp of puberty and how they are being socialized to understand (or not understand) their bodies, the reproductive system, sex, gender identity, gender expression, sex as an act, consent, and so much more. I can only hope that they are more knowledgeable than those that have come before them and are more powerful in how they navigate the world we all live in. Though some of the stories were quite sad, some were also motivational, relatable, and provided glimpses of hope for a better tomorrow. And for that I give thanks to the author for spending 5 years compiling these very real stories and sharing them.

eilatan6991's review

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challenging emotional informative inspiring reflective medium-paced

5.0

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nadine7's review against another edition

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reflective medium-paced

5.0

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just_one_more_paige's review against another edition

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hopeful informative reflective medium-paced

4.0

It was the title of this one that grabbed my attention. And if anyone tries to tell me that this title doesn't catch your eye...I don't believe you. Haha. That's really all I have to say as an intro here - I was intrigued enough to find it at the library very soon after it first came across my radar.

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is the founder and curator of the blog "Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women," which led to this collection of stories in which women of Africa and the African Diaspora share openly about their experiences with sex and sexuality. There are over thirty voices collected in this work of nonfiction, each a short first person reflection on the narrator's experiences with relationships, sex, and related topics, introduced with a short snippet from Sekyiamah herself detailing how she met/came to speak with each of the women in this book.

This was an absolutely fascinating reading experience. I cannot remember the last time I read something this...new? Like these are topics and perspectives that I have never seen on the page before. And all told in a very unique framework as well, with the author's intro for each with some context (about the background and/or the speaker) before we jump in. It is worth noting that, because these are fairly short short “in their own voice” sections, like just a few pages each (which makes sense, if you think about how many voices we are getting to hear from), there is an element of jumpiness to the overall narrative style. I didn't find it to be an issue, due to the nature of the book, but it is worth noting. And as a final point about the writing/formatting...this was incredibly, refreshingly, non judgemental (in acceptance or condemnation); just a reporting of the facts/realities of the women's lives, without extra analysis or personal commentary. Sekyiamah shares everything in the women's own words, with her minimal context, just as a fact of existence, and the reader is left on all fronts to draw their own conclusions (or judgements). I kind of loved that about this collection, that it just....is...like whether you agree or identify with anything or not, this is still these women's truths, period.

Honestly, the sheer number of unique life experiences included was fantastic and fascinating. There is such diversity in these pages - a variety of ages, nationalities/backgrounds, religious beliefs, sexualities, inclusive interpretation of womanhood, etc. It was astounding the way that so many of these experiences and explorations of sex are universal, despite how different individual countries/cultural identities, and the language used to describe them (which I did have to put effort into remembering, as some language choices felt less "ok" to me, but were how the interviewees self-identified, are. There was very much a primary focus on sex, the act(s) itself and partner(s) it's with, which makes sense with the primary focus of this book in mind. There were a few stories that centered celibacy or aro-ace in some way, but that was definitely not the majority. Overall, the concept of traveling outside or finding freedom from the traditional societal expectations/availability of options on women and sex, how so many of the voices in these pages used sex as a way to explore one’s body and self and needs and place in the world, and as a method of healing and growth, was stunning, spectacular, a nonfiction highlight for the ages.

The phenomenal insight and vulnerability achieved in these pages could only have been possible with an author/curator creating an incredibly safe space for people to trust and share within. That Sekyiamah achieved that here is truly something special. There was such candor and validation in these conversations and shared stories and I cannot really put to words how appreciative I am to have been able to spend time within them.

“Sex feels like the one area in my life where I am not confident. That makes me sad. I am an adult in so many ways apart from this.”

“It is only when you are transparent that you get the material benefits of your objectification.”

“Freedom is not a destination that one arrives at and can choose to stay there forever and ever. Freedom is a constant state of being, an energy and a state that we need to nurture and protect. Freedom is a safe home that one can return to over and over again.”

“There’s a place for all of us and I think that the notion of mothering gets extended when we think of the ways in which women mother and father across gender.”

“I don’t think you can ever be ready for your first time. How can you be ready for something you have never experienced before? It's impossible. I think you just need to be comfortable with the person you're with and afterwards everything will be fine.”

“It was important to me that a book about the sex lives of African women would both speak to the infinite identities that African women hold, and show how we can create and re-create our identities, even those that appear fixed and immutable.”

“I now have a compulsive need to speak up about everything because I was silent for so long. Silence leads to damage and I am a product of that. For me, having a healthy relationship with a person of the opposite sex is about unlearning those patterns of silence and coming to each experience with honesty. When you have two consenting adults, and you're open about your wants and desires, that's the goal, right? Your needs and wants may not always match up but if you can vocalize them you can decide on an appropriate action.”

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seeceeread's review against another edition

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adventurous dark emotional informative inspiring reflective

3.5

💭 "Sexually speaking, it feels to me like this is the best chapter of my life. I'm the most self-aware that I have ever been. I am flexible. I am 𝘫𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘺. I am up for sex however, whenever, whatever."

A frien put me on by giving "a fat five stars" to this interview collection with "stories across age, religion, sexuality, gender and relationship status." Darkoa crisscrosses continents and a few languages to achieve such diversity in perspective. Subjects are remarkably candid — I often marveled at the details shared. For much of the book, I thought the women were forthcoming due to friendship (many have known the author for years) but in the end, NDS explains that it's moreso because interviewees were determined to break their silence to achieve pleasure and healing. Every story comes with its own content warning to encourage prepared engagement.

Some parts felt extremely relatable, even sadly predictable: partners' jealousy, youthful naivete that gave way to self-assurance, sexual assault. Still, I was agape at some of the drama and shenanigans: cheating, boarding school trysts, cheating, repeatedly returning to Red Flag Relationships, cheating, confiscated sex toys at the airport, more cheating. I'm curious about the set of questions that guided NDS.

I did not like the audio presentation. Several narrators sound prepared for more traditional theater, and they overperform the "characters" they inhabit, which perhaps added to my sense of distance from some contributors.

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islasoul's review

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emotional inspiring reflective sad medium-paced

5.0

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