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mxmiche's review against another edition
3.0
This book was very well researched. There were a lot of interesting tidbits about how different things such as social media have effected our ability to communicate with one another. But on the whole, I felt like this book could have just been a long blog post. In book format, the author did what she encourages others not to do in conversation; she didn't keep it short.
ssejig's review against another edition
3.0
Interweaving her own experiences with harder research, Headlee teaches us how to better communicate. Of course, a lot of it comes down to listening. But there is a lot that has to do with empathy for... well, everyone. Or mostly everyone. She is a radio host and did interviews for a living so the audiobook is quite delightful to listen to. However, I think that much of this information could be gleaned from the TedTalk that Headlee based the book off of. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, I suggest finding that. If you like your information a little more filled out, this is going to be the place to come to.
ibeeeg's review
4.0
“The attempt to change somebody’s mind is the death of good conversation.”
The ability to hold good conversations has become important to me; the skill for both listening and speaking is one that I would like to sharpen.
I came across We Need To Talk via a podcast where I heard the author speak of her work. She made a positive impression. I became curious about her book. The book did not disappoint.
Within the pages I found many good and practical pointers to improve conversation for both speaking and listening. The author’s writing style appealed, and her voice throughout made the information presented very accesible. I came away from the book with many quotes and ideas to apply to my daily life. This does not mean my conversation skills improved overnight as that’s a constant work in progress. Rather, I now have a clearer idea on what to keep in mind, where I can improve, and which steps to take over time. This is a book to return to periodically. There is a lot of good stuff to take in.
A few quotes:
“Through my experience and research, I’ve identified five key strategies that help facilitate a productive dialogue. They are: be curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well.” p63
“The most basic of all human needs,” said Dr. Ralph Nichols, who pioneered the study of listening, “is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” I can say without exaggeration that listening is the most important skill I’ve acquired in my life.” p221
“To experience empathy, we must establish a connection between our idea of ourselves and of another person. We have to ask questions like, “Would I like it if that happened to me?” “How would I feel if someone ran over my mailbox?” p23
The ability to hold good conversations has become important to me; the skill for both listening and speaking is one that I would like to sharpen.
I came across We Need To Talk via a podcast where I heard the author speak of her work. She made a positive impression. I became curious about her book. The book did not disappoint.
Within the pages I found many good and practical pointers to improve conversation for both speaking and listening. The author’s writing style appealed, and her voice throughout made the information presented very accesible. I came away from the book with many quotes and ideas to apply to my daily life. This does not mean my conversation skills improved overnight as that’s a constant work in progress. Rather, I now have a clearer idea on what to keep in mind, where I can improve, and which steps to take over time. This is a book to return to periodically. There is a lot of good stuff to take in.
A few quotes:
“Through my experience and research, I’ve identified five key strategies that help facilitate a productive dialogue. They are: be curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well.” p63
“The most basic of all human needs,” said Dr. Ralph Nichols, who pioneered the study of listening, “is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” I can say without exaggeration that listening is the most important skill I’ve acquired in my life.” p221
“To experience empathy, we must establish a connection between our idea of ourselves and of another person. We have to ask questions like, “Would I like it if that happened to me?” “How would I feel if someone ran over my mailbox?” p23
readbyryan's review
5.0
I just finished listening to the audiobook version of “We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter.” The author and reader of the book has an extensive career in radio journalism with public radio stations around the country, so you would think she would be an authority on conversations. She is, but only through her own struggles with good conversations and her work to improve her skills, not her interview expertise alone. I started this book thinking that if Headlee is having all of these problems, what hope is there for the rest of us. I In fact, we all struggle with conversation our entire lives, but the good news is that there are many simple (but not easy) ways to improve our conversations. In this book she has a number of quotes, anecdotes, and practical advice on how to become a conversationalist and listener. The foundation of her research and advice is to remain present, and by being present in conversations, a person will listen more, avoid multitasking and distraction, to have earnest, engaging conversations. Listening especially is a key component of conversations and research backs the assertions about why listening well matters more than speaking. I don’t feel like this book taught me much I didn’t know, but it did make it’s case for how to improve our conversations, and therefore our relationships, which is what fundamentally matters. I recommend this to anyone struggling with difficult personal or professional discussions, or even just a way to get more out of our conversations. • Audiobook • Nonfiction - Self Improvement • ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ • Recommended by a friend on Facebook. • Purchased through Audible.▪️
bookedinsideout's review against another edition
3.0
What I Learned: We can have more productive and meaningful conversations if we talk less about ourselves, listen more to what other people have to say without turning it back towards ourselves, and not giving advice unless it's asked for.
Some good research and points to remember, but sometimes the author contradicted herself and came off a bit like the expert she suggested others avoid pretending to be.
Some good research and points to remember, but sometimes the author contradicted herself and came off a bit like the expert she suggested others avoid pretending to be.
scmaley's review against another edition
5.0
This is an awesome non-fiction book. I listened to an audiobook version.
I think I could pick up a hardback version to reread certain parts. The first part was a bit slow, but the real advice is later in the book.
I think I could pick up a hardback version to reread certain parts. The first part was a bit slow, but the real advice is later in the book.
amaniesami's review against another edition
2.0
There were many good things I got out of this book, but I have to be honest, I'm usually pretty irritated with the preachy positive tone of self-help books. This one was a little bit better in that it was highly anecdotal, and drew on a lot of experiences that were pretty interesting. Headlee has a long history in radio and journalism, and the art of conversation has been an interest of hers for a while. Some interesting points:
We value diverse opinions but don't in actuality embrace it. With society moving to extremely technological lengths, we are setting up more bubbles and filters that reaffirm our own beliefs and values, and block out people and groups that don't conform to that. Optimized search engines, online groups, websites, and news sources that uphold our ideologies... all these are only serving to strengthen our biases and break down our abilities to understand one another. We literally don't know how to talk to people that are not like us, not anymore. This struck me pretty hard, because I've always been good at cutting out toxicity from my life, whether in the form of politics or Facebook friends. Racist uncle? block. Sexist friend of a friend of a friend? block. Fox News? barf, click. But this is the point that Headlee was trying to make: our increasing rejection of opposing opinions is playing a role in the dangerous extremism and polarity that we are experiencing today. And it's not just a rejection on an ideological level. Surrounding ourselves with people that are like us just mirrors back what we want to see and hear, and contributes to the stubborn foundation of "us" versus "them," however that may look.
The higher the intelligence, the deeper the cognitive bias. I recently read an article on "fake news" and how libraries should change their approach to it ("Why Librarians Can't Fight Fake News" by M. Connor Sullivan - read it, it's very insightful). The article posited that libraries are getting it wrong by just trying to reaffirm their core values. Instead, they should be seeking to understand the nature of fake news, the methods by which it is adopted, but more importantly, what it does to our brains. This is where a lot of studies are brought in, and it repeats the point that Headlee is trying to make. The perception that education and intellect are natural resistors to misinformation and bias is wrong, because studies have shown that the more educated a person is, the harder it is to shake them from their cognitive biases. Headlee takes this a step further and explains that in a way, the higher the IQ, the harder it is to have conversations because of an unshakable belief that one's opinions are logical and "right." This isn't because of mere awkwardness, but because a baseline difference in opinion and communication. There's also the issue of "the spiral of silence," that reluctance to talk about issues for fear that it might incite conflict or argument.
I liked when she said "the only way to disarm your enemy is to listen to them." That one speaks for itself.
Another important thing I liked was the issue of empathy and "conversational narcissism." She explained that we attempt to empathize by sharing our own experience--but doing that just forces people to acknowledge and listen to you instead. All they want is for you to listen and acknowledge them, but you bringing up your example takes over the conversation and changes the focus. She explains that this is "the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America." Whoa. That one floored me. The amount of times I thought I was contributing to conversation and cultivating understanding by piping in with my own examples is horrendous. More alarming was this: when someone opposite of us is speaking, our brain is spending most of its time not listening, but scanning for memories to attach to what they're saying - to give what they are saying context, and so, "we can't listen when we're crafting a response." What ends up happening is us interpreting their words through a lens, screen, memory, experience that is our own, and may distort wholly what they are actually trying to say. We are hijacking their story and subsuming it in our own experience. "Relating to your own experience is not a great way to get to understanding." Whoa. So, you know, active listening is a must. She makes recommendations for it.
Ok I'm done ranting, clearly this book made me think.
We value diverse opinions but don't in actuality embrace it. With society moving to extremely technological lengths, we are setting up more bubbles and filters that reaffirm our own beliefs and values, and block out people and groups that don't conform to that. Optimized search engines, online groups, websites, and news sources that uphold our ideologies... all these are only serving to strengthen our biases and break down our abilities to understand one another. We literally don't know how to talk to people that are not like us, not anymore. This struck me pretty hard, because I've always been good at cutting out toxicity from my life, whether in the form of politics or Facebook friends. Racist uncle? block. Sexist friend of a friend of a friend? block. Fox News? barf, click. But this is the point that Headlee was trying to make: our increasing rejection of opposing opinions is playing a role in the dangerous extremism and polarity that we are experiencing today. And it's not just a rejection on an ideological level. Surrounding ourselves with people that are like us just mirrors back what we want to see and hear, and contributes to the stubborn foundation of "us" versus "them," however that may look.
The higher the intelligence, the deeper the cognitive bias. I recently read an article on "fake news" and how libraries should change their approach to it ("Why Librarians Can't Fight Fake News" by M. Connor Sullivan - read it, it's very insightful). The article posited that libraries are getting it wrong by just trying to reaffirm their core values. Instead, they should be seeking to understand the nature of fake news, the methods by which it is adopted, but more importantly, what it does to our brains. This is where a lot of studies are brought in, and it repeats the point that Headlee is trying to make. The perception that education and intellect are natural resistors to misinformation and bias is wrong, because studies have shown that the more educated a person is, the harder it is to shake them from their cognitive biases. Headlee takes this a step further and explains that in a way, the higher the IQ, the harder it is to have conversations because of an unshakable belief that one's opinions are logical and "right." This isn't because of mere awkwardness, but because a baseline difference in opinion and communication. There's also the issue of "the spiral of silence," that reluctance to talk about issues for fear that it might incite conflict or argument.
I liked when she said "the only way to disarm your enemy is to listen to them." That one speaks for itself.
Another important thing I liked was the issue of empathy and "conversational narcissism." She explained that we attempt to empathize by sharing our own experience--but doing that just forces people to acknowledge and listen to you instead. All they want is for you to listen and acknowledge them, but you bringing up your example takes over the conversation and changes the focus. She explains that this is "the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America." Whoa. That one floored me. The amount of times I thought I was contributing to conversation and cultivating understanding by piping in with my own examples is horrendous. More alarming was this: when someone opposite of us is speaking, our brain is spending most of its time not listening, but scanning for memories to attach to what they're saying - to give what they are saying context, and so, "we can't listen when we're crafting a response." What ends up happening is us interpreting their words through a lens, screen, memory, experience that is our own, and may distort wholly what they are actually trying to say. We are hijacking their story and subsuming it in our own experience. "Relating to your own experience is not a great way to get to understanding." Whoa. So, you know, active listening is a must. She makes recommendations for it.
Ok I'm done ranting, clearly this book made me think.
jhamel's review against another edition
4.0
This was very good, but I only got about halfway through before my Kindle loan ran out. A lot of it seemed a little obvious to me, as a highly empathic person. Can't argue with her suggestions and insights though!
pearseanderson's review against another edition
3.0
Headlee approaches swaths of this book with the general theme of "OK! OK we get that the United States of America is divided, but you should LISTEN to the other side!" which is a really important message, but she fails to complicate this argument for what conversations are often like in post-Trump political dialogue: she says that even though you might not "agree about taxes" you can still agree on something and it's like hmmm yeah maybe 1970s Dem/Rep divide was about taxes, the stage we're at right now is admitted white supremacists in the highest seats of power and a spineless Republican center that fills its conversations with dog-whistles, hate speech, and conspiracies. Headlee dips into this but We Need to Talk does not do its job when looking at modern hate speech, which is usually modern far/alt-right speech. Besides that, Headlee does a fine job, introducing and starting the book pretty well but getting shakier as conversations about technology and self-help continue: it's a hard line to balance. Mostly this book taught me some techniques and reaffirmed my ego, so there's that. 7/10.
dwittkop's review against another edition
5.0
I LOVE Celeste Headlee!
All that needs to be said about this book:
If you plan on talking to anyone - anywhere, anytime - you NEED to read (and live) this book!!!
All that needs to be said about this book:
If you plan on talking to anyone - anywhere, anytime - you NEED to read (and live) this book!!!