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492 reviews for:
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Meghan Daum
3.65 AVERAGE
492 reviews for:
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Meghan Daum
3.65 AVERAGE
I really enjoyed the writing and opinions in this book. Written by 12 women and 4 men, these essays are thought-provoking and well thought out by individuals who know themselves, what they want, and what they *don't* want.
I love that the #1 common thread throughout was the desire to have more time for reading and writing. You are preaching to the choir on that one! And let's not forget another important benefit of being child-free: time to sleep.
Contributors come from various backgrounds: intact homes, broken homes, single-parent homes, heterosexual, homosexual, black, white, Jewish, you name it.
What I found most thought-provoking was the complete annihilation of the myth that those who choose a child-free life are somehow "just being selfish"...in fact, people actually HAVE children for myriad selfish reasons, whether to meet the expectations of family, society at large, spousal pressure, or what have you. Also, this pressure is not the same across the board for all racial and economic groups; perhaps this is no secret, but it's certainly not discussed openly.
Unfortunately, I had to return this book to the library, but it's definitely worth a purchase. I've only read a handful of the contributing authors--Pam Houston of "Cowboys Are My Weakness" fame comes to mind--but if I'd had time, I'm sure I would've enjoyed all 16 essays. Editor Meghan Daum is no slouch, either. Her story is contributed in the Introduction.
Highly recommended and a must-read for anyone grappling with the decision whether to have children, those who are sick of the pressure from others to have children, and anyone who thinks of her (or him) self as a feminist.
I love that the #1 common thread throughout was the desire to have more time for reading and writing. You are preaching to the choir on that one! And let's not forget another important benefit of being child-free: time to sleep.
Contributors come from various backgrounds: intact homes, broken homes, single-parent homes, heterosexual, homosexual, black, white, Jewish, you name it.
What I found most thought-provoking was the complete annihilation of the myth that those who choose a child-free life are somehow "just being selfish"...in fact, people actually HAVE children for myriad selfish reasons, whether to meet the expectations of family, society at large, spousal pressure, or what have you. Also, this pressure is not the same across the board for all racial and economic groups; perhaps this is no secret, but it's certainly not discussed openly.
Unfortunately, I had to return this book to the library, but it's definitely worth a purchase. I've only read a handful of the contributing authors--Pam Houston of "Cowboys Are My Weakness" fame comes to mind--but if I'd had time, I'm sure I would've enjoyed all 16 essays. Editor Meghan Daum is no slouch, either. Her story is contributed in the Introduction.
Highly recommended and a must-read for anyone grappling with the decision whether to have children, those who are sick of the pressure from others to have children, and anyone who thinks of her (or him) self as a feminist.
reflective
medium-paced
emotional
funny
informative
inspiring
reflective
relaxing
fast-paced
Lots of it resonated, need to purchase copy so I can highlight stuff. It does get overwhelming at some point, reading 16 different stories but every perspective was necessary.
I'm so grateful to Ms. Daum for pulling together the essays in this book. Whether or not to have children is the most consequential decision most people, especially women, will make in their lives, so it has always surprised me that so little is written about it. The variety of perspectives makes it a very worthwhile read.
3.5 stars.
This is an important book in that it reassures people (primarily women) that it is completely normal to decide to live child-free; and one can still have a fulfilling life. It is acceptable to choose this for any reason, since there are many different explanations as to why someone would decide not to have children.
The essays are not groundbreaking, but it is an interesting read, and a great way to begin a conversation - albeit controversial - as to why people make such varied decisions regarding procreation and its meaning in one's life.
I would recommend this book for people who have reservations about having children. Since this tends to be a taboo topic and/or highly private choice, I expect it would not come up in a casual conversation.
This is an important book in that it reassures people (primarily women) that it is completely normal to decide to live child-free; and one can still have a fulfilling life. It is acceptable to choose this for any reason, since there are many different explanations as to why someone would decide not to have children.
The essays are not groundbreaking, but it is an interesting read, and a great way to begin a conversation - albeit controversial - as to why people make such varied decisions regarding procreation and its meaning in one's life.
I would recommend this book for people who have reservations about having children. Since this tends to be a taboo topic and/or highly private choice, I expect it would not come up in a casual conversation.
Interesting collection of essays which made me want to look up more essays on other subjects by these authors. Some of the personal narratives of psychological issues started by the end to be a bit repetitive, but the essays by Geoff Dyer, Tim Kreider, and Lionel Shriver, by calling the very purpose of procreation into question, gave a bit to chew on.
Really fantastic. I was feverishly highlighting huge swaths of text in some of the chapters. So much quotable goodness in here, and the group of stories has been very well curated. Even though every essay was unique, it was fascinating to read the back stories of all these writers. I only wish would-be parents put as much consideration and thought into having children as these writers did in choosing not to. Crucial reading, whether you want to be a parent or not.
3.5 stars
As with any collection of essays, you're going to relate and enjoy some more than others, and that was the case here. There were two or three essays that I couldn't relate to or get behind at all, but there were also a few that I was smiling and agreeing vehemently with (usually with the male writers, ironically - Tim Kreider's was my favorite). As other reviewers have mentioned, there are some real stinkers in the beginning of the book. Persevere - the best ones are toward the end. What was most disappointing with this book though was that not all of the contributors actively made the choice not to have children. In fact, one of them goes through the costly process of IVF, and only when it doesn't stick does she decide, oh wait, I don't guess I actually really wanted this (even though she would've gone through with it had it worked). What I was looking for and desperately hoping for with this book was some writing from actively childfree people. Here in the deep south, if you have a vagina, you are expected to not only pop out some babies, but freaking live for popping out those babies. If you don't feel this innate need for cleaning up vomit and puke and swaddling pruney-faced aliens, you are considered either confused ("you're young, you don't know what you want") dim ("you'll want them later, trust me"), incapable of escaping "fate" ("oh, accidents happen, you know!" they say, smiling like psychos) or just a freak of nature. When you've been hearing these things all your life while harboring absolutely no desire for children, you start to feel like maybe you actually are unnatural. Add to that the fact that motherhood is glorified throughout our family-obsessed society and you feel even more alone. Books about being childless (and being perfectly fine with that) are few and far between, so if anyone knows of any others, please leave me a recommendation! I've only recently discovered the subreddit /r/childfree, and that helps a bit to know that there are similar people out there.
Some favorite quotes from the book:
"There was no statute saying they had to give themselves over so completely... I wasn't sure I had it in me. Perhaps I was a kind of human geode: sparkly and hollow." -Courtney Hodell
"I couldn't help but wonder whether people chose to have families to avoid some stranger's inscrutable projection. If the desire to have children is just a way to build some noisy tribe of distraction around oneself, then I'd rather be alone." -Paul Lisicky
"I harbor no deep biological urge, no longing, no worry over who will visit me or wipe my ass when I'm elderly. If the biological clock were an actual organ, mine would be as useless as an appendix." -Danielle Henderson
"After all, there's a sort of role model or template for a man who doesn't want kids--the Confirmed Bachelor, roguish and irascible in the W. C. Fields tradition. At worst, we're considered selfish or immature; women who don't want to have children are regarded as unnatural, traitors to their own sex, if not the species. Men who don't want kids get a dismissive eye roll, but the reaction to women who don't want them is more like: What's wrong with you?" -Tim Kreider
"At the risk of sounding grandiose and self-congratulatory again, I'll venture to suggest that we childless ones, whether through bravery or cowardice, constitute a kind of existential vanguard, forced by our own choices to face the naked question of existence with fewer illusions, or at least fewer consolations, than the rest of humanity, forced to prove to ourselves anew every day that extinction does not negate meaning." -Tim Kreider
As with any collection of essays, you're going to relate and enjoy some more than others, and that was the case here. There were two or three essays that I couldn't relate to or get behind at all, but there were also a few that I was smiling and agreeing vehemently with (usually with the male writers, ironically - Tim Kreider's was my favorite). As other reviewers have mentioned, there are some real stinkers in the beginning of the book. Persevere - the best ones are toward the end. What was most disappointing with this book though was that not all of the contributors actively made the choice not to have children. In fact, one of them goes through the costly process of IVF, and only when it doesn't stick does she decide, oh wait, I don't guess I actually really wanted this (even though she would've gone through with it had it worked). What I was looking for and desperately hoping for with this book was some writing from actively childfree people. Here in the deep south, if you have a vagina, you are expected to not only pop out some babies, but freaking live for popping out those babies. If you don't feel this innate need for cleaning up vomit and puke and swaddling pruney-faced aliens, you are considered either confused ("you're young, you don't know what you want") dim ("you'll want them later, trust me"), incapable of escaping "fate" ("oh, accidents happen, you know!" they say, smiling like psychos) or just a freak of nature. When you've been hearing these things all your life while harboring absolutely no desire for children, you start to feel like maybe you actually are unnatural. Add to that the fact that motherhood is glorified throughout our family-obsessed society and you feel even more alone. Books about being childless (and being perfectly fine with that) are few and far between, so if anyone knows of any others, please leave me a recommendation! I've only recently discovered the subreddit /r/childfree, and that helps a bit to know that there are similar people out there.
Some favorite quotes from the book:
"There was no statute saying they had to give themselves over so completely... I wasn't sure I had it in me. Perhaps I was a kind of human geode: sparkly and hollow." -Courtney Hodell
"I couldn't help but wonder whether people chose to have families to avoid some stranger's inscrutable projection. If the desire to have children is just a way to build some noisy tribe of distraction around oneself, then I'd rather be alone." -Paul Lisicky
"I harbor no deep biological urge, no longing, no worry over who will visit me or wipe my ass when I'm elderly. If the biological clock were an actual organ, mine would be as useless as an appendix." -Danielle Henderson
"After all, there's a sort of role model or template for a man who doesn't want kids--the Confirmed Bachelor, roguish and irascible in the W. C. Fields tradition. At worst, we're considered selfish or immature; women who don't want to have children are regarded as unnatural, traitors to their own sex, if not the species. Men who don't want kids get a dismissive eye roll, but the reaction to women who don't want them is more like: What's wrong with you?" -Tim Kreider
"At the risk of sounding grandiose and self-congratulatory again, I'll venture to suggest that we childless ones, whether through bravery or cowardice, constitute a kind of existential vanguard, forced by our own choices to face the naked question of existence with fewer illusions, or at least fewer consolations, than the rest of humanity, forced to prove to ourselves anew every day that extinction does not negate meaning." -Tim Kreider
White. Honestly, I didn’t see the point of reading this book to the very last page because all the narratives started to sound the same, but I read enough. I think there are like fifteen essays in this collection, and I wondered why I couldn’t see myself in any of them. After reading several essays I realized the issue was the book’s entire premise: women having the opportunity to have children and choosing not to have children. But not every woman has this opportunity. This book presumes that at some point every woman in good health finds a stable enough relationship where she could raise a family. That’s so white. The reality for black women is that it’s difficult to even attract a romantic partner, much less sustain a relationship worthy of rearing children. Essays on “choosing” not to have children amid this reality would have been much more gripping.