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492 reviews for:
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Meghan Daum
3.65 AVERAGE
492 reviews for:
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
Meghan Daum
3.65 AVERAGE
First, I am a mother of two. Parenthood is simultaneously the most difficult and most rewarding part of my life so far. I really enjoyed this collection of perspectives from people who have decided not to have children. I respect their reasoning, from freedom, health or financial concerns, to downright dislike of children. I chuckled at several points.
I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want to be a mother. I have a distinct memory of being 7 or 8 and joining my own mom and her aunts and cousins on a Memorial Day trip to decorate family graves. In the cemetery, I remember coming across a string of Depression-era headstones for a set of siblings who all died as children and declaring I never wanted to have kids. I don't know why that was the moment it clicked for me, but it was. The women who were there with me all enjoyed a good laugh and told me that I would change my mind one day when I grew up.
You know what? It's been more than 20 years and I still haven't changed my mind. But, just as recently as last week, people are still telling me that I'll change my mind.
Turns out, people ask a lot of questions about your plans for parenthood when you are a newlywed. I want to tell all these people, "I'm 31 goddamn years old. I think I've had enough time to think this through."
I've had moments of doubt along the way, where I wonder if maybe I'll regret it when I get old. I've even picked out names for children I know I don't want (Chelsea Evan and Ryan Cage). But 99.9% of the time, I think about the idea of doing it and I know that it is not an experience I want for myself.
There's a whole slew of reasons why I feel this way. I'm an incredibly anxious person and sometimes just having a cat to provide for is stressful enough--a dog seems like too much work for me. I don't trust that I would ever feel confident in what I was doing to the point where I wouldn't permanently fuck up a child. My own mother passed away when I was a teen and I can't imagine coming home from the hospital with a newborn and not having her there to tell me what to do with my nipples. It's only been within the last couple years that I've gotten to a place where I feel financially stable and the cost of raising a child would almost certainly destroy that. I would have to forgo most of the things that I've always wanted to do that I couldn't afford when I was in my twenties, and I wouldn't have the kind of mobility I want in my life, to be able to move to a new city uninhibited. I think of how busy I am now, and how hard it already is to find time to relax between work and general household kind of stuff. Throwing a kid into the mix would be overwhelming. Then there's the fact that I simply don't enjoy being around kids. I'm not "I hate kids," or anything, but I really don't have the patience to deal with temper tantrums, and even when it's time to play, it's exhausting to put myself on the same level as a small kid for more than anything considered "brief."
It's just not for me. Not even a little bit. Call me selfish, call me self-absorbed, whatever. I know it's not something I want and I know it's not something I would ever feel like I was doing well.
I come across so few like-minded females and as more and more of my friends begin to procreate, I feel like they're drifting away from me (whether because we now have less in common or because they just have less time, I don't know, but it still makes me sad) So, I was really excited to read this book and feel like I could relate. There were a few essays that made me wrinkle my nose, but overall this book is fantastic. Reading it was a powerful experience for me.
You know what? It's been more than 20 years and I still haven't changed my mind. But, just as recently as last week, people are still telling me that I'll change my mind.
Turns out, people ask a lot of questions about your plans for parenthood when you are a newlywed. I want to tell all these people, "I'm 31 goddamn years old. I think I've had enough time to think this through."
I've had moments of doubt along the way, where I wonder if maybe I'll regret it when I get old. I've even picked out names for children I know I don't want (Chelsea Evan and Ryan Cage). But 99.9% of the time, I think about the idea of doing it and I know that it is not an experience I want for myself.
There's a whole slew of reasons why I feel this way. I'm an incredibly anxious person and sometimes just having a cat to provide for is stressful enough--a dog seems like too much work for me. I don't trust that I would ever feel confident in what I was doing to the point where I wouldn't permanently fuck up a child. My own mother passed away when I was a teen and I can't imagine coming home from the hospital with a newborn and not having her there to tell me what to do with my nipples. It's only been within the last couple years that I've gotten to a place where I feel financially stable and the cost of raising a child would almost certainly destroy that. I would have to forgo most of the things that I've always wanted to do that I couldn't afford when I was in my twenties, and I wouldn't have the kind of mobility I want in my life, to be able to move to a new city uninhibited. I think of how busy I am now, and how hard it already is to find time to relax between work and general household kind of stuff. Throwing a kid into the mix would be overwhelming. Then there's the fact that I simply don't enjoy being around kids. I'm not "I hate kids," or anything, but I really don't have the patience to deal with temper tantrums, and even when it's time to play, it's exhausting to put myself on the same level as a small kid for more than anything considered "brief."
It's just not for me. Not even a little bit. Call me selfish, call me self-absorbed, whatever. I know it's not something I want and I know it's not something I would ever feel like I was doing well.
I come across so few like-minded females and as more and more of my friends begin to procreate, I feel like they're drifting away from me (whether because we now have less in common or because they just have less time, I don't know, but it still makes me sad) So, I was really excited to read this book and feel like I could relate. There were a few essays that made me wrinkle my nose, but overall this book is fantastic. Reading it was a powerful experience for me.
I think this is something I needed to read. I may only really be able to relate to one of the writers, but perhaps the most important thing to come out of this was hearing other voices about a topic that has, and will continue to, have a large growing effect on my life. It's an important collection of essays for anyone to read, if we are going to start to understand one another, and ourselves.
"I believe that fear of failure plays a large part in goading many women who are ambivalent about motherhood into maternity. That, and the fear of missing out, as neatly put by the narrator of this one-sentence story by Lydia Davis called "A Double Negative": At a certain point in her life, she realized it is not so much that she wants to have a child as that she does not want not to have a child, or not have had a child."
I think my slightly lower rating of a collection I thought I’ll be blown away by is more of an expectations problem because I did go into this hoping to find atleast a few essays which deeply spoke to me, and it disappointed me when there was hardly one where I could find parts of myself in, that too written by a man (Geoff Dyer), whose societal expectations of fatherhood are in no way similar to the expectations put upon me as a married woman to have a child. There was also one essay by Lionel Shriver at the halfway point which came across as condescending and smug, with its racist tone of lament that the population with superior European genes will be in the minority in western countries in a few decades.
The other essays were ofcourse good in the sense that I could empathize with all the writers’ dilemmas and choices that made them ultimately decide to not be a parent. But most of them had at one point or the other, seriously contemplated having a child (especially most of the women); many even tried and it didn’t happen due to other life circumstances; a couple got abortions or had miscarriages which later cemented their idea to not have kids; or some happened upon this decision due to childhood trauma. But there wasn’t one essay where I could find a woman deciding not to be a mother just because she didn’t want to, and not because she was past her age of fertility and didn’t regret not having a child in hindsight.
But this collection is still valuable because the topic is being talked about. Many individuals and couples are contemplating not being parents as a legitimate choice to make in this day and age, and I think we should be able to listen to all those voices and not stigmatize such choices, nor put parenthood (and particularly motherhood) on a pedestal, calling it the ultimate purpose of human existence.
The other essays were ofcourse good in the sense that I could empathize with all the writers’ dilemmas and choices that made them ultimately decide to not be a parent. But most of them had at one point or the other, seriously contemplated having a child (especially most of the women); many even tried and it didn’t happen due to other life circumstances; a couple got abortions or had miscarriages which later cemented their idea to not have kids; or some happened upon this decision due to childhood trauma. But there wasn’t one essay where I could find a woman deciding not to be a mother just because she didn’t want to, and not because she was past her age of fertility and didn’t regret not having a child in hindsight.
But this collection is still valuable because the topic is being talked about. Many individuals and couples are contemplating not being parents as a legitimate choice to make in this day and age, and I think we should be able to listen to all those voices and not stigmatize such choices, nor put parenthood (and particularly motherhood) on a pedestal, calling it the ultimate purpose of human existence.
Honestly, I couldn't even handle this book, just because of where I am personally right now. I read about half of it.
As someone who has always known they wanted kids, I was curious to read another perspective. This is a series of essays by women, mostly and a few men on why they don't have kids. The reasons are different for each person - a good reminder that there's no one or two main reasons why.
Some of the essays definitely annoyed me or made me mad. But most were thoughtful and insightful. Some wanted kids originally but then changed minds; others never wanted kids of their own.
I can empathize with the societal pressure to conform and how much energy it takes to fight against a norm. And I appreciate living in an age where it is *starting* to be okay to not have kids. Hopefully we'll keep moving that way so more people can make the choice that's right for them.
Some of the essays definitely annoyed me or made me mad. But most were thoughtful and insightful. Some wanted kids originally but then changed minds; others never wanted kids of their own.
I can empathize with the societal pressure to conform and how much energy it takes to fight against a norm. And I appreciate living in an age where it is *starting* to be okay to not have kids. Hopefully we'll keep moving that way so more people can make the choice that's right for them.
Contributors:
[a:Kate Christensen|85746|Kate Christensen|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1305772126p2/85746.jpg]
[a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg]
[a:Danielle Henderson|190949|Danielle Henderson|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png]
[a:Courtney Hodell|14142895|Courtney Hodell|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png]
[a:Anna Holmes|38674|Anna Holmes|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/f_50x66-6a03a5c12233c941481992b82eea8d23.png]
[a:Elliott Holt|6583168|Elliott Holt|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1354056873p2/6583168.jpg]
[a:Pam Houston|72819|Pam Houston|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1324419392p2/72819.jpg]
[a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]
[a:Laura Kipnis|71247|Laura Kipnis|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1405548043p2/71247.jpg]
[a:Tim Kreider|571327|Tim Kreider|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1332455690p2/571327.jpg]
[a:Paul Lisicky|363453|Paul Lisicky|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1447816028p2/363453.jpg]
[a:M.G. Lord|6326718|M.G. Lord|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1433523527p2/6326718.jpg]
[a:Rosemary Mahoney|72345|Rosemary Mahoney|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1385489337p2/72345.jpg]
[a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1529285691p2/6633.jpg]
[a:Jeanne Safer|130192|Jeanne Safer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1554152792p2/130192.jpg]
[a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg]
[a:Kate Christensen|85746|Kate Christensen|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1305772126p2/85746.jpg]
[a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg]
[a:Danielle Henderson|190949|Danielle Henderson|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png]
[a:Courtney Hodell|14142895|Courtney Hodell|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png]
[a:Anna Holmes|38674|Anna Holmes|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/f_50x66-6a03a5c12233c941481992b82eea8d23.png]
[a:Elliott Holt|6583168|Elliott Holt|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1354056873p2/6583168.jpg]
[a:Pam Houston|72819|Pam Houston|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1324419392p2/72819.jpg]
[a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]
[a:Laura Kipnis|71247|Laura Kipnis|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1405548043p2/71247.jpg]
[a:Tim Kreider|571327|Tim Kreider|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1332455690p2/571327.jpg]
[a:Paul Lisicky|363453|Paul Lisicky|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1447816028p2/363453.jpg]
[a:M.G. Lord|6326718|M.G. Lord|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1433523527p2/6326718.jpg]
[a:Rosemary Mahoney|72345|Rosemary Mahoney|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1385489337p2/72345.jpg]
[a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1529285691p2/6633.jpg]
[a:Jeanne Safer|130192|Jeanne Safer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1554152792p2/130192.jpg]
[a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg]
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective