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kdahlo's review against another edition
2.0
I was excited for this book, but it had lots of issues. First, this book says it is for 'families who have welcomed children from [troubled backgrounds, other cultures, etc]' but it actually just means babies. I would say 95% of the advice is best for kids under 10, 80% will only really work with kids under 5. This book has almost nothing relevant for teens or even preteens. Second, this book constantly scolds parents to strike a perfect balance between extremes, and implicitly blames them by stating that failure to do so will lead to bad outcomes. I find this type of advice exhausting, it encourages 'trying harder' rather than changing tactics, which just leads to burn out. Third, the book is obsessed with authority and order, it seems to envision a parent who is completely flaky and helpless who needs to dominate their child into submission. To me, many of these tactics end up sounding like animal training (example: you must respond to behaviors within three seconds and repeat correct behaviors to reprogram your kid). Fourth the book loves gendered examples, and places much of the onus of parenting on "mothers" when the language could easily be more neutral. Fifth, and the structure of the book is kind of bad. It is not well organized and it doesn't describe systems and tactics well so that you can easily refer back to them. You basically just have to read the whole thing through. Finally, some suggestions are just absurd to me, for example: massage your kid every night, give them organic food and avoid certain foods or they will misbehave. These ideas are presented with very few caveats, but it seems obvious to me that they would never, ever be okay with foster care, older kids, kids who suffered certain types of abuse, etc.
All that said, I did find some things to like. I actually agree that a 'training' style can work well with young kids, and I do think that learning to modulate your emotions when dealing with children is important and effective. I liked the part on healing yourself to be a better parent. It was the only part of the book that seemed compassionate towards parents and allowed that imperfection might not equal doom.
Basically, if you are adopting a kid under 10 and have the expectation that it will be very easy, and/or you have very low confidence as a parent and need to learn to be more assertive, this book could help you a lot. If that doesn't apply to you, there are a few good tips scattered here and there. But be cautious, this book is also packed with hot nonsense that you will need to avoid. And remember that you need to stop training your kid like a dog once they turn 10 or so, at which point you will need a different book.
All that said, I did find some things to like. I actually agree that a 'training' style can work well with young kids, and I do think that learning to modulate your emotions when dealing with children is important and effective. I liked the part on healing yourself to be a better parent. It was the only part of the book that seemed compassionate towards parents and allowed that imperfection might not equal doom.
Basically, if you are adopting a kid under 10 and have the expectation that it will be very easy, and/or you have very low confidence as a parent and need to learn to be more assertive, this book could help you a lot. If that doesn't apply to you, there are a few good tips scattered here and there. But be cautious, this book is also packed with hot nonsense that you will need to avoid. And remember that you need to stop training your kid like a dog once they turn 10 or so, at which point you will need a different book.
jnelle33's review against another edition
4.0
One of my biggest frustrations with this book and most trauma based books is the emphasis on how behaviors that stem from a lack of eye to eye nurturing contact from birth, but as a mother of an adoptive child who DID receive this, I am still wondering what gives. I do understand that MANY adoptive kiddos did not receive this, so I’m not suggesting eliminating it, but rather, also addressing potential underlying causes for those who did.
christie_esau's review against another edition
5.0
An excellent, highly practical and well-researched resource for adoptive and foster parents. Honestly, probably a useful read for any parent since all kiddos have difficult days or seasons of growth.
briannegk's review against another edition
5.0
Highly recommend to anyone who is or has adopted a child. Very helpful!!
wjcrook's review against another edition
5.0
This book has given me so much to think about, not just regarding parenting at-risk children, but also myself. I love that it’s practical, but also has a lot of depth to it as well. I will see it makes parenting at risk children feel very overwhelming - mostly because it’s not the way that I think I would naturally parent. And I know there are more resources and trainings available to help with that.
wrines7's review against another edition
4.0
A small but informational book focused on working with the child and your relationship through slow and steady techniques for aclimating to each other and growing a natural bond.
trueleahliongirl's review against another edition
5.0
A must for every adoptive parent and anyone else who wants to better understand the adopted child
ceemonkee's review against another edition
5.0
For my own purposes (foster care adoption), I wish it was focused less on international orphanage adoptions. However, it was excellent and chock full of real life situations with real life strategies.
benyoda95's review
5.0
This book was really amazing. I definitely recommend it to anyone working with at risk kids, but even if your kids don't come from an at risk background, this book will teach some amazing skills.
Great again the second time. Very convicting.
Great again the second time. Very convicting.