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4.11 AVERAGE
4.11 AVERAGE
adventurous
informative
inspiring
fast-paced
informative
reflective
medium-paced
informative
fast-paced
I really liked the book concept, and I believe it can be a wonderful addition to any couple's library. The chapters that explained the reasoning behind the date were okay and sometimes seemed slightly simplistic. However, the exercises, dates, and open-ended questions were wonderful. My partner and I learned a lot about each other and will likely reread it in the future.
hopeful
informative
fast-paced
I would be interested to read critique of Gottman's research by researchers as I am not one myself - all thoughts are my own as a layperson.
My previous therapist was influenced by Gottman and it shows. Admittedly I am bitter about Gottman because of my experience with her. My previous therapist's client was not me, it was the relationship that I was in, even though she was not seeing us as a couple. She believed that the key to wellbeing was a heterosexual, long term, stable relationship and pushed me to stay in mine at all costs. After reading this book, I see where her perspective was influenced by.
While Gottman's work is rich in data and wisdom on love and relationships, I feel that it is outdatedly, significantly missing a lot of lens, narrowing its audience, and given its reach, dangerously ascribing one type of relationship to such a wide diversity of people throughout the world. The book looks at relationships through a heterosexual lens, though one study had been done on 'same-sex relationships'. Studies that is not intentionally crafted through the lens of queerness however may not be able to fully capture the nuances of queer relationships, as the parameters might have been the same as the heterosexual studies, and its results interpreted by researchers influenced by the heterosexual world. Even within the het lens, the lens of power and gender is not explored much here - how gender plays out within the relationship and how power struggles play out as well, especially in the conflict chapter. I also think there is not enough time given to addressing abuse or toxicity in relationships, as though it is not the lived reality of many. It also does not address leaving a relationship, as though willfully ignoring the reality that many relationships end every day, and it's a lived reality and completely valid thought process even in people who want to stay in long term relationships.
There were also not enough varieties of relationships in this book. Everyone had in-laws, everyone had children, everyone went mountain climbing or skiing, and had time for dates. No one had busy, untenable work schedules in this hyper-capitalistic world, no one ate badly or had existential crises, no one stayed in situations that makes them depressed because they had no other choice or believed so.
I don't feel like this book relates to me and my lived reality.
My previous therapist was influenced by Gottman and it shows. Admittedly I am bitter about Gottman because of my experience with her. My previous therapist's client was not me, it was the relationship that I was in, even though she was not seeing us as a couple. She believed that the key to wellbeing was a heterosexual, long term, stable relationship and pushed me to stay in mine at all costs. After reading this book, I see where her perspective was influenced by.
While Gottman's work is rich in data and wisdom on love and relationships, I feel that it is outdatedly, significantly missing a lot of lens, narrowing its audience, and given its reach, dangerously ascribing one type of relationship to such a wide diversity of people throughout the world. The book looks at relationships through a heterosexual lens, though one study had been done on 'same-sex relationships'. Studies that is not intentionally crafted through the lens of queerness however may not be able to fully capture the nuances of queer relationships, as the parameters might have been the same as the heterosexual studies, and its results interpreted by researchers influenced by the heterosexual world. Even within the het lens, the lens of power and gender is not explored much here - how gender plays out within the relationship and how power struggles play out as well, especially in the conflict chapter. I also think there is not enough time given to addressing abuse or toxicity in relationships, as though it is not the lived reality of many. It also does not address leaving a relationship, as though willfully ignoring the reality that many relationships end every day, and it's a lived reality and completely valid thought process even in people who want to stay in long term relationships.
There were also not enough varieties of relationships in this book. Everyone had in-laws, everyone had children, everyone went mountain climbing or skiing, and had time for dates. No one had busy, untenable work schedules in this hyper-capitalistic world, no one ate badly or had existential crises, no one stayed in situations that makes them depressed because they had no other choice or believed so.
I don't feel like this book relates to me and my lived reality.
I thoroughly enjoyed this first read through and the ideas of the eight dates, and I cannot wait to deepen my love and commitment through these dates/exercises with my partner! You don't have to take Gottman as the capital T truth to know that open communication and discussion of your inner thoughts and biases are an important cornerstone of loving and growing in your relationship. Highly recommend getting two copies or reading together!
informative
reflective
fast-paced
hopeful
informative
reflective
fast-paced
These questions and conversations were so fruitful and powerful for my relationship. We didn’t do the date ideas but could maybe revisit those in the future.