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ronni_sw's review
Still haven't finished it. It was good, but I got it from the library and it was overdue so I had to return it. Maybe someday I'll finish it ...
thepermageek's review against another edition
3.0
On the whole I really enjoyed the book, especially the style...I feel like it struck such a nice balance between memoir and psychological/social science nerd-ery! The one minor critique I have about it is that, from the vantage point of nearly a decade after Lonely was published, some of the arguments about the dearth of loneliness as a topic in research, clinical psychology, and broader social/cultural contexts, doesn't quite hold up.
As that point got repeated over and over in the book I found I had to constantly remind myself that Lonely was published (2010):
1) *before* Susan Pinker's "The Village Effect," Matthew Lieberman's "Social," Johann Hari's "Lost Connections," Brene Brown's "Braving The Wilderness" and tons of other books detailing how extremely vital face-to-face feelings of belonging & connection are to human beings,
2) *before* the U.K. parliament appointed Tracey Crouch as the first ever "Minister of Loneliness"
3) *before* Vivek Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General, announced that the loneliness epidemic was the #1 public health crisis in America.
tl;dr
Lonely is a phenomenal read...especially when context is taken into consideration!
As that point got repeated over and over in the book I found I had to constantly remind myself that Lonely was published (2010):
1) *before* Susan Pinker's "The Village Effect," Matthew Lieberman's "Social," Johann Hari's "Lost Connections," Brene Brown's "Braving The Wilderness" and tons of other books detailing how extremely vital face-to-face feelings of belonging & connection are to human beings,
2) *before* the U.K. parliament appointed Tracey Crouch as the first ever "Minister of Loneliness"
3) *before* Vivek Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General, announced that the loneliness epidemic was the #1 public health crisis in America.
tl;dr
Lonely is a phenomenal read...especially when context is taken into consideration!
sasscasspdx's review against another edition
1.0
Disappointing. I had high hopes that this would be a good read about the science of loneliness interwoven with the author's anecdotes of her experience of loneliness. Of what I read, and mind you I only got to page 84 before I gave up, the author spends a lot of time trying to prove she is lonely, not depressed. Yawn. It's important to make the distinction between the two, but she does so to a fault. It undermines her entire argument and was not interesting to read about.
katebelt's review
2.0
resonated with idea that from an evolutionary standpoint, we are as a species "delicious bits of walking meat" - what's kept us safe is our tendency to form groups. More a topical study than a memoir, but I'm glad she apparently found a committed relationship.
incessantbookworm's review against another edition
3.0
As I was reading and walking to my intramural softball game, a co-worker stopped me and asked what I was reading. I showed him the title and he gave me a quizzical look and joked about if there was something he should know. My response was jovial and expressed that the topic was interesting (true) but in the back of my head, I wondered, was this a defense for a feeling I sometimes I have? I’ll be honest, I tagged several parts of the book in terms of actions I occasionally exhibit that reflect loneliness. Even taking the UCLA Loneliness Scale at the beginning of the book, I found my heart racing to discover if I was at a ‘high-level’ of loneliness. I felt relieved to learn that I was ‘average’ after answering 10 lichert-scale questions, but that fear and anxiety of ‘what if’ kept me attentive throughout the book.
White makes a strong case with personal narratives that the state of loneliness is not the same as depression or social anxiety. It saddened me that the doctors she saw were quick to diagnose and prescribe for what she was not experiencing. For me, I can understand the hesitation with revealing this truth about oneself or the fact that you are still confused with what you are dealing with. It is along the lines of being hesitant of sharing something about yourself because you don’t know how people will take it or they’ll brush it aside as it’s all in your head. For some, it may be like coming out or opening up about an identity that you kept to yourself or don’t talk about much.
A part that stuck with me, since I am just as guilty, is the belief that we can’t seem to get settled – “a sort of pressured restlessness, an inability, when lonely, to feel at ease with what you’re doing…’I just feel like I should be somewhere else, or doing something else.‘” I took a personal day off a couple weeks ago (what we call a self-care day) and found myself bouncing from place to place alone (even though I had a set plan in my mind of what I would do at each place and for hours on end) and was frustrated with how I should be enjoying this day that I worked hard for. Each thing I did wasn’t satisfying enough for me. I sometimes joke with friends and family when I have a weekend free of commitments that I end up not talking to anyone and don’t realize it until the end of the weekend. Sometimes it is desired, sometimes is that I didn’t have a choice. I definitely related to the commercial interactions – going to a coffee shop or grocery store so I could talk to the cashier or feel a presence around me that I couldn’t find on my overstuffed chair in my apartment. To be fair, I do enjoy what is called ‘passive-company’. In the car with another person or reading a book while a friend reads theirs, I call it comfortable silence.
I saw the movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix a few years back, and I remember how much that movie scared me – kind of like Wall-E was a warning for how we are killing our environment and planet, Her was a warning that our socialization is becoming too reliant on technology and not on natural in-person relationships. Even sharing thoughts on this blog and through reviews I share more about myself than to some of my colleagues and peers. Sometimes I fear going into a field where I work remotely – I appreciate my job now having colleagues and co-workers around for socialization. I have heard there are meet-ups where folks who work remotely can work in the same reserved space like a library or coffee shop – again adding to the ‘passive-company’.
Although I ranked this memoir as average, it probably is the most relatable book I’ve read. Am I self-diagnosing or WebMD-ing myself as chronically lonely? No, but I do think that there are times where life gets hard and we may feel alone even in a crowded room or around people that truly care about us. It is difficult to explain, but I praise White for her openness and honesty, revealing something so raw and evident in our world in a way that makes me take a longer look at folks and wonder.
Some other notable quotes/thoughts:
“I like being part of a big, anonymous group. It’s sort of comforting. Even though I’m not really having any interactions with these people, just being in their presence, just being around them, it feels sort of communal in a strange way, and it’s very soothing at times”
“But loneliness is a state of mind, and you can become even more lonely when you realize that marriage doesn’t take it away”
“The more trusting someone is, the less lonely they are…Or conversely, the less trusting someone is, the more lonely they become”
Read Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude if you like the themes of:
Mental Health
Loneliness
Psychology
White makes a strong case with personal narratives that the state of loneliness is not the same as depression or social anxiety. It saddened me that the doctors she saw were quick to diagnose and prescribe for what she was not experiencing. For me, I can understand the hesitation with revealing this truth about oneself or the fact that you are still confused with what you are dealing with. It is along the lines of being hesitant of sharing something about yourself because you don’t know how people will take it or they’ll brush it aside as it’s all in your head. For some, it may be like coming out or opening up about an identity that you kept to yourself or don’t talk about much.
A part that stuck with me, since I am just as guilty, is the belief that we can’t seem to get settled – “a sort of pressured restlessness, an inability, when lonely, to feel at ease with what you’re doing…’I just feel like I should be somewhere else, or doing something else.‘” I took a personal day off a couple weeks ago (what we call a self-care day) and found myself bouncing from place to place alone (even though I had a set plan in my mind of what I would do at each place and for hours on end) and was frustrated with how I should be enjoying this day that I worked hard for. Each thing I did wasn’t satisfying enough for me. I sometimes joke with friends and family when I have a weekend free of commitments that I end up not talking to anyone and don’t realize it until the end of the weekend. Sometimes it is desired, sometimes is that I didn’t have a choice. I definitely related to the commercial interactions – going to a coffee shop or grocery store so I could talk to the cashier or feel a presence around me that I couldn’t find on my overstuffed chair in my apartment. To be fair, I do enjoy what is called ‘passive-company’. In the car with another person or reading a book while a friend reads theirs, I call it comfortable silence.
I saw the movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix a few years back, and I remember how much that movie scared me – kind of like Wall-E was a warning for how we are killing our environment and planet, Her was a warning that our socialization is becoming too reliant on technology and not on natural in-person relationships. Even sharing thoughts on this blog and through reviews I share more about myself than to some of my colleagues and peers. Sometimes I fear going into a field where I work remotely – I appreciate my job now having colleagues and co-workers around for socialization. I have heard there are meet-ups where folks who work remotely can work in the same reserved space like a library or coffee shop – again adding to the ‘passive-company’.
Although I ranked this memoir as average, it probably is the most relatable book I’ve read. Am I self-diagnosing or WebMD-ing myself as chronically lonely? No, but I do think that there are times where life gets hard and we may feel alone even in a crowded room or around people that truly care about us. It is difficult to explain, but I praise White for her openness and honesty, revealing something so raw and evident in our world in a way that makes me take a longer look at folks and wonder.
Some other notable quotes/thoughts:
“I like being part of a big, anonymous group. It’s sort of comforting. Even though I’m not really having any interactions with these people, just being in their presence, just being around them, it feels sort of communal in a strange way, and it’s very soothing at times”
“But loneliness is a state of mind, and you can become even more lonely when you realize that marriage doesn’t take it away”
“The more trusting someone is, the less lonely they are…Or conversely, the less trusting someone is, the more lonely they become”
Read Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude if you like the themes of:
Mental Health
Loneliness
Psychology
theangrylawngnome's review against another edition
4.0
Most interesting of all: the reactions this one generated in me. At page 25 I would have cheerfully hit the author offside the head with a 2x4; what with all the whining I was frankly muttering "STFU," "STFU," oh, and just please "STFU." At page 50 I was wondering why, oh, why I wasn't directing said 2x4 at my own skull? Nothing had seemingly changed in either narrative or tone, yet here I was turning page after page and neither putting the book down, offering myself any reason to continue with this work or holding out any real hope that anything worthwhile would come forth from fishing in this pond.
Yet persist I did. And either the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle began to fall into place, what had seemed like an out of tune and badly rendered cover version of Poor, Poor Pitiful Me took on an unexpected air of originality and thoughtfulness, or the memoir portion that had annoyed me earlier actually got interesting. Or something.
So, as to the book itself? Honestly none of the ideas presented ultimately struck me as particularly original, but their manner of presentation rendered them far more
Yet persist I did. And either the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle began to fall into place, what had seemed like an out of tune and badly rendered cover version of Poor, Poor Pitiful Me took on an unexpected air of originality and thoughtfulness, or the memoir portion that had annoyed me earlier actually got interesting. Or something.
So, as to the book itself? Honestly none of the ideas presented ultimately struck me as particularly original, but their manner of presentation rendered them far more
mbp's review against another edition
4.0
(3.5) I enjoyed this book and admired the author's honesty, but I think the "memoir" subtitle is misleading. It's maybe 1/3 memoir and 2/3 reviews of research, reflections on loneliness, etc. The "memoir" seems to be the framework to try to organize the other information. There are places where it gets repetitious (could have used more editing). I do think that it's courageous, well researched, and hopefully it will generate more discussion about this important topic.
kwitshadie's review against another edition
3.0
Because the author doesn't offer any answers to loneliness, I want to start out in an atmosphere of hope by saying that I believe that loneliness is the mistaken idea that other people have the answers. They don't. YOU do.
As Loretta Breuning puts it in "I, Mammal:" "People often get the idea that they cannot be happy until the world somehow changes. They continually find fault with the social arrangements they think are standing in the way of their happiness. In truth, no way of organizing the world can keep your happy chemicals flowing. They are only released in short bursts, which is why your mammal brain keeps motivating you to do what it takes to get more of them. This makes life frustrating, but the world cannot fix it for you."
Read it.
My notes on Lonely:
• What’s true? That loneliness affects large numbers of people, can be measured, can last a lifetime? Or is pop culture right in that loneliness doesn’t really exist or exists only for those who are unattractive, maladapted, and unlovable? Are the academic texts right? The displays of what’s supposedly typical set by social situations on tv? Is it just me and my shrunken social circle from not fitting in?
• Loneliness and depression are two different things.
• In an evolutionary sense, loneliness is not just sad, it’s dangerous not to be part of a group.
• Loneliness brings on that urgent “Do something!” feeling that you of course can’t do anything about because what you need is connection and you don’t have it which is (you think) making you lonely. You’re kind of starving in a way. Cue addictions etc.
• Because loneliness is contagious and considered repugnant and humiliating, people start to shun you.
• Stereotyping: If someone has been told their conversational partner is lonely, they’ll behave in more remote and antisocial ways, no matter how inappropriate it is. Behaviour of the lonely person such as cheerfulness, curiosity, and charm, can simply be fed back into the stereotype: “Of course they’re positive, they’re desperately trying to make friends.” Or, “Of course they’re trying to sound interesting, they want your attention.”
• Paradoxically, loneliness might change us in ways that make it harder to ward off. Even as we crave companionship, we might find ourselves pulling away from it, and falling deeper into loneliness. But consider that in an evolutionary sense, seeking loneliness would have been adaptive in a hostile environment—say the Australian outback—where one of the biggest threats would have been other people. If you’d been ostracized, then it would have been dangerous for you to try to push yourself back onto that team, and if you’d run into another team also looking for resources and struggling to survive, it might have been best to steer clear. Relationships can truly equal risk, and loneliness can truly equal safety. But it’s possible to incrementally/safely/with baby steps alter trust beliefs so that you can learn to feel safe in new, healthy relationships, and to see others as safe and reliable. The more trusting someone is, the less lonely they are.
• It is possible for lonely to people to exert some control over tendencies toward withdrawal. They can do this through careful self regulation. That is, lonely people can monitor their reactions and ask themselves whether their sense of threat is appropriate; they can examine their urge to retreat and remind themselves that the impulse to withdraw is an atavistic (evolutionary throwback) one, not one that’s necessary for safety in the present day.
• Loneliness can persist despite companionship: Emotional isolation: no partner. Social isolation: no social life or chummy job situation. Situational isolation: moved to new city, alcoholic parent. Trait isolation: degree to which you were born with it. Objective isolation: should be lonely. Subjective isolation: perception of not being connected.
• When you’re isolated and don’t have passive company where someone reads the paper while you cook, or you just sit around yakking with others at the kitchen table, socializing can be a second job. You do it with the goal in mind that it’s going to lead to not having to do it. You don’t want to set up yet another meetup at Starbuck's for another cup of cocoa with whipped cream, you want a reliable connection that’s present, lasting, and strong.
• As humans, we’re hard wired to seek out a sense of togetherness and community, and it’s unlikely that Internet communications can satisfy this need. If you’re staring down a lion, what you need is other people on hand with tranquilizer guns. The fact that someone might be sending encouragements on their Blackberry doesn’t really cut it.
• You notice the gunman’s always a loner?
• Loneliness is hard to spot, partly because lonely people don’t match the stereotype of: depressed, poorly groomed, demanding, critical, needy, ungrateful, lazy, self-absorbed, etc.
• Magical-thinking pop psychology, such as "Attraction," regarding loneliness is bs.
• It helps to have a lot of money so you can take classes, have massages, personal coaching, therapy, belong to social clubs, etc.
• Should loneliness be in the DSM? (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Most of the lonely people the author asked said that they would not take a pill to cure loneliness if it were available. (???) Emotional anorexia? Reassuringly, if one is distressed about the lack of close ties, then the absence of such ties shouldn’t be indicative of avoidant disorder. After all, what is loneliness if not distress about the lack of close ties? Loneliness is a sign of normalcy.
As Loretta Breuning puts it in "I, Mammal:" "People often get the idea that they cannot be happy until the world somehow changes. They continually find fault with the social arrangements they think are standing in the way of their happiness. In truth, no way of organizing the world can keep your happy chemicals flowing. They are only released in short bursts, which is why your mammal brain keeps motivating you to do what it takes to get more of them. This makes life frustrating, but the world cannot fix it for you."
Read it.
My notes on Lonely:
• What’s true? That loneliness affects large numbers of people, can be measured, can last a lifetime? Or is pop culture right in that loneliness doesn’t really exist or exists only for those who are unattractive, maladapted, and unlovable? Are the academic texts right? The displays of what’s supposedly typical set by social situations on tv? Is it just me and my shrunken social circle from not fitting in?
• Loneliness and depression are two different things.
• In an evolutionary sense, loneliness is not just sad, it’s dangerous not to be part of a group.
• Loneliness brings on that urgent “Do something!” feeling that you of course can’t do anything about because what you need is connection and you don’t have it which is (you think) making you lonely. You’re kind of starving in a way. Cue addictions etc.
• Because loneliness is contagious and considered repugnant and humiliating, people start to shun you.
• Stereotyping: If someone has been told their conversational partner is lonely, they’ll behave in more remote and antisocial ways, no matter how inappropriate it is. Behaviour of the lonely person such as cheerfulness, curiosity, and charm, can simply be fed back into the stereotype: “Of course they’re positive, they’re desperately trying to make friends.” Or, “Of course they’re trying to sound interesting, they want your attention.”
• Paradoxically, loneliness might change us in ways that make it harder to ward off. Even as we crave companionship, we might find ourselves pulling away from it, and falling deeper into loneliness. But consider that in an evolutionary sense, seeking loneliness would have been adaptive in a hostile environment—say the Australian outback—where one of the biggest threats would have been other people. If you’d been ostracized, then it would have been dangerous for you to try to push yourself back onto that team, and if you’d run into another team also looking for resources and struggling to survive, it might have been best to steer clear. Relationships can truly equal risk, and loneliness can truly equal safety. But it’s possible to incrementally/safely/with baby steps alter trust beliefs so that you can learn to feel safe in new, healthy relationships, and to see others as safe and reliable. The more trusting someone is, the less lonely they are.
• It is possible for lonely to people to exert some control over tendencies toward withdrawal. They can do this through careful self regulation. That is, lonely people can monitor their reactions and ask themselves whether their sense of threat is appropriate; they can examine their urge to retreat and remind themselves that the impulse to withdraw is an atavistic (evolutionary throwback) one, not one that’s necessary for safety in the present day.
• Loneliness can persist despite companionship: Emotional isolation: no partner. Social isolation: no social life or chummy job situation. Situational isolation: moved to new city, alcoholic parent. Trait isolation: degree to which you were born with it. Objective isolation: should be lonely. Subjective isolation: perception of not being connected.
• When you’re isolated and don’t have passive company where someone reads the paper while you cook, or you just sit around yakking with others at the kitchen table, socializing can be a second job. You do it with the goal in mind that it’s going to lead to not having to do it. You don’t want to set up yet another meetup at Starbuck's for another cup of cocoa with whipped cream, you want a reliable connection that’s present, lasting, and strong.
• As humans, we’re hard wired to seek out a sense of togetherness and community, and it’s unlikely that Internet communications can satisfy this need. If you’re staring down a lion, what you need is other people on hand with tranquilizer guns. The fact that someone might be sending encouragements on their Blackberry doesn’t really cut it.
• You notice the gunman’s always a loner?
• Loneliness is hard to spot, partly because lonely people don’t match the stereotype of: depressed, poorly groomed, demanding, critical, needy, ungrateful, lazy, self-absorbed, etc.
• Magical-thinking pop psychology, such as "Attraction," regarding loneliness is bs.
• It helps to have a lot of money so you can take classes, have massages, personal coaching, therapy, belong to social clubs, etc.
• Should loneliness be in the DSM? (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Most of the lonely people the author asked said that they would not take a pill to cure loneliness if it were available. (???) Emotional anorexia? Reassuringly, if one is distressed about the lack of close ties, then the absence of such ties shouldn’t be indicative of avoidant disorder. After all, what is loneliness if not distress about the lack of close ties? Loneliness is a sign of normalcy.
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